Hey everyone
I just had to throw this out here to see if anyone had a similar experience. I finally had my first contact with an awesome trans woman that wants to help others like me with all the difficulties we face.
I had a really positive personal conversation with her and was literally shaking for the first 10 minutes but then calmed down.
She almost instantly recognized the crippling dysphoria I have been trapped in that left me completely dysfunctional for the last 10 years. I had a long positive conversation with her and she exposed me to the trans scene up here in this very rule area.everything went great as she had many suggestions that I will follow but I was shocked when I woke up the next morning completely dysfunctional blank mode that I've never experienced before.I was shocked how powerful the mind has control over the body and was very surprised because it was very positive when I talk to her. I was going to ask actually  for help out here but kind of pulled back for a couple days for my sister's support that really helped, but I still was trapped in this till a couple hours ago. I also just found out my sister that's 2 years older than me barely got away with not getting cervical cancer by getting the non-cancerous cells out first which also confirms in my eyes that we were affected by DES.
It took me days to try and to work through all of this and figure out what's going on, after talking to my oldest sister who had a lifetime of experience as a psychologist we connected for the very first time on the same page because she was 12 years older than me  and I thought  she was in cahoots  with my mother kind of talking behind my back against me.
We broke down together and she was very sad all these years what happened to me but I finally broke out of this today and could face the mirror for the very first time as accepting myself as a trans woman and proud of it.
This was an absolute Epiphany moment for me staring at the mirror looking behind the eyes and seeing the female in me that I always knew was in there but it never came out like this before.
  it's like my entire history of of all the emotions of my past the embarrassment the shame the scorned thrown upon me concentrated within this couple days and it was the absolute lowest low I've ever experienced in my life. I will aggressively pursue treatment now because I know positively my life will improve massively and get out of this funk I've been trapped in.
This experience was so unexpected because I thought it would create a new high but somehow resulted in a new low that took a few days to work through but now as I said I can look at myself in the mirror for the very first time with a kind of Pride that I've never had before.
Sorry for the long rant but I just had to get this off my shoulders to everyone and would accept any reply on this extreme emotional roller coaster ride.
   

    Most sincerely love Tatiana

Hi Tatiana,

  I am sorry to say I didn't quite follow all that you were saying, but I understand that you were having a very difficult time of things. This dysphoria stuff can be really hard to deal with. I am glad you were able to get out of your low spot. I am also glad you were able to reconnect on a different level with your oldest sister. That hun is a good thing and as a psychologist I'm better she can help you even more.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks so much Laurie
For all of your help and support in the past it really means a lot to me is quite priceless. I can understand if it's hard to follow because it was kind of a rant just using this voice to text on my phone. You're such a sweetheart to respond to this thanks so much again.
   Love  Tatiana

Hey Tatiana, girl!

There's a duality with happy and sad moments, so you describing things as a roller coaster certainly rings true.  Like, how can you understand sadness, unless you've also experience joy? Or vice-versa.

I'm glad you talked to a seasoned trans woman! That's great to hear, and I do hope she can help support you in real life, too.  And I can understand self-destructive behaviour, at least, that is what I think you might have dipped into after talking to her.  Because it was so nice and encouraging, you felt undeserving, and so flipped the good into bad and it made you very depressed. But you are deserving, and I'm so glad to hear that you seem to have bounced back from it!

I used to hate looking in the mirror, too, but now I'm actually indifferent on it. Like you, I don't see the face I've hated for so many years, I see the potential feminine face that I will grow into.

Family stuff can usually get pretty messy, I am glad they removed the cancerous cells because the big C is really really hard to deal with for many of us... And I'm also glad that she wasn't scheming with your mother, I hope her support only grows more over time. And with it, you grow more into the woman you are!

Thanks so much Eryn and Laurie

OMG  I just read my initial post and can assure you all that it is not alcohol or chemically induced whatsoever merely the power of our brains realizing something that's been nagging at us forever.
I can't even follow it I'm surprised anyone else could so thanks so much this is just a result of how low I got, then thinking I was okay and had the courage to come out here but oviously I was not completely out of it yet. I really appreciate your tolerance and support.
      Love Tatiana

LOL Tatiana,

  Whew, thank you for agreeing it was difficult to follow. I was starting to think my advanced age was worse than I thought. I know how it is to be in a low place. They can get dark and fill your head with bad thoughts. I was there not too long ago and had many of my friends worried. Susan's is a good place to air some of those feelings and get support. That is what I did. A few urged me to tell my therapist just how bad it was and if offered start medication for it. Had I not done so I may not have been here to help you or anyone. As you can see I am still here because I did follow the suggestions I received.
  I hope you never get to the point that I did. I hope you are able to ask for help and listen to what is suggested like I did. Others and myself are here for you, Hun. But you do need to let us know you need it.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Thanks Laurie
No it's certainly not your age sweetheart it was my absolutely blank clouded mind contributing to this I'm sure glad I didn't post anything sooner because it would be undecipherable.
I did find the u p rainbow Pride website that led me to this awesome trans woman who was finished in 09 named Marissa she is an awesome force of nature that wants to help others and I can see nothing more honorable in this life than that. She kind of took me under her wing and let me know that there is about a half a dozen of fully transitioned women living and working up here.
I haven't met her in person yet but certainly will as she said the next barbecue she has that I am invited.
  I now have much more hope knowing I'm accepted in this little TG Community  up here my wife also pointed out for the first time that that's my initials too I think my destiny is Unstoppable now and will hopefully be on HRT soon.
I hope someday if you're ever up here we can personally meet and interact at a barbecue or the 4th u p rainbow Pride Parade and I would also like to show you the beautiful virgin Forest and waterfalls and of course the awesome Lake Superior Shoreline which in some places is still unspoiled and of course we'll check out some moose because I know of a group that's hanging behind my house in my River Valley.
Thanks for being my angel.
  love Tatiana

  Hi again Tatiana,

  I think I mentioned elsewhere in a thread That I'm not unfamiliar with the UP. I had and have relatives up there but over on the east side. The UP can indeed be beautiful.

Hang in there Tatiana.  If you are having mood swings, remember when you are down that you are on your way back up.

The term UP crops up now and again but I wasn't sure where it was until I Googled it.  I didn't recognise the term UP but many years ago, I read that that area of Michigan was the only area in the US that still sometimes had wolves (I gather that they have become more common and widespread since), so with that and the moose, it sounds almost pristine.  From your description, it must be very beautiful, too.

Thanks so much Mary
I definitely hit a new bottom but bounced off of it now.
I forget that this touches the entire world and will try to be more appropriate in the future.
After living here 25 years I still find it a paradise Wonderland because I originally am from the big city but I think I kind of ran away up here because of my problems but there's nowhere to run when there's problems in your head but I am so glad we're up here now.
I literally See  more animals like moose deer bears bald eagles Pine Martens wolves and all the creatures of the Boreal forest that now are my neighbors. I see more of these animals than I do people.
But now my transition is Unstoppable and my destiny.
Thanks so much Mary for your reply to me because I'm sure you can tell I'm not as indecipherable as I was when I first posted.
  All the best to you my friend love Tatiana