Okay, so yes! Yesterday I made the giant monumental step of going to the DMV and having my gender changed on my driver's license and got a new picture! It has been becoming increasingly more and more uncomfortable for me to present my ID when out and about. We don't drink much at all, but occasionally we will go to an alcohol store to buy a bottle of wine or something, and my wife will have left her purse in the car with her ID in it, so we get up to the counter, and when the person demands an ID, I end up having to pull mine out. And boy does that suck!!! My old driver's license pic was from when I was very bald, and looking very much like a man. And that ginormous "
M" under "Sex" has been haunting me more and more! So......the other day I asked my endocrinologist to write me the letter I needed to take to the DMV. Then I discovered that recently Colorado changed their rules, and a letter was no longer sufficient, and I had to use their actual form. So I had to go to the DMV, get the form, take it to my endo, have her fill it out, and then was finally able to take that to the DMV. Got back to the DMV, and the same lady that got the form for me greeted me at the front and with a smile said "All ready to get your stuff changed over?" Ha ha. So I sat down and waited my turn. When they finally called my number, I got a really nice lady who I told what I was there to do, and she "Oh, okay" and took my paperwork, and did it very quick and easy with no complaints and no requests for more documents or anything at all. Then I had to go over to the photo area to have a new picture taken, and the lady running the camera there was really nice too, other than telling me I could not show my teeth when I smiled for the picture. Ha ha. I was so incredibly freaking happy that I could barely keep my smile contained!
So they gave me a temporary driver's license that they print off right then and there, and now I have to wait for the real one to come in the mail. But it feels so incredibly good to now have an actual government document that affirms that I am indeed "
FEMALE"! Also, with Summer now almost here, we are wanting to fly on a couple little trips, and I most certainly will be going as myself, since I cannot stand going anywhere as my male self anymore. And I was anxious to get my driver's license updated so that it makes going through the airport a little easier and more comfortable for me. I still need to decide on whether I want to change my name or not. I tried to get them to remove my middle name........since my first name has always gotten mistaken for a girls name my entire life anyway. So I have decided that I might just keep my first name and save my self a lot of hassle. However......I don't know many girls with the middle name "Paul". So I was hoping that maybe they could just remove that at the DMV without having to do the whole court name change order thing. And the nice lady helping me I could tell really wanted to do it for me, since she could tell being a female with the middle name Paul was not ideal. But she went and asked someone higher up, and they said no, that I would have to do the whole legal name change even just to remove the middle name. So oh well.. I will live with it for now until I decide for sure what I want to change my name to, and will go back later after I do all that I have to through the court system to get that name change order.
I've been becoming far more confident as the hormonal changes to my fat distribution and things ever so slightly make me feel more and more feminine. I find myself far more comfortable wearing more girly clothing that I used to be hesitant to wear. The more I go out and just live life as myself, and see that everything goes just fine, and the world doesn't stop spinning, the more I feel comfortable just being me all the time. I have gotten really good at very quickly being able to do my makeup good enough for me to feel happy and comfortable going out, which helps a lot when you have a kid and a wife, and life can get hectic and you need to rush at times, but don't want to rush out the door so fast that you forget to make yourself presentable. ha ha. I absolutely love getting to just live everyday life as the girl I was always meant to be! It is so fun to learn different techniques and learn how to walk, and learn how to sit, and carry myself, and to avoid certain learned male characteristics. It is all quite a journey! A journey I thought I would never get to take! But am oh so very thankful that I get to! It has always been my dream to get to experience places like Disneyland all over again as my female self. To get to spend all day walking around in a skirt or dress and not feel weird or uncomfortable about it. And I am finally to that stage! Where I can put on a dress, and go out in public and be just as comfortable as I ever have been wearing anything out in public. And that is for one, because I have worked tremendously hard on developing my own self confidence, but also living in a fairly open minded safe place, with lots of safe friends and businesses, where I can spend all day as myself, and never have a single negative comment or experience. I get a few kind of funny looks here and there, but for the most part, it has been quite a pleasant experience to have people just talk to me like normal, and walk right past me without making an effort to put more distance between them and me when they pass by. It really seems like a lot of the time I am just passing, based on peoples body language around me. Then I open my mouth.......and it's all over. Ha ha. But the amazing thing is how even then! Even when I do speak and it becomes all too obvious that I am not a cis woman, the people STILL talk to me just like normal. It is so amazing!
So yeah.......so far still have not presented as myself at our daughters school. Everyone I talk to seems to think that is a little strange that I present full time everywhere....except at her school. But that is my wife's desire, and she is so good to me and so supportive of me that I am willing to do that for her, but we have the understanding that it is only til the end of this school year. So only 2 more weeks, and then it will be to me never leaving the house as a male again if I have anything to do with it! I just feel so weird presenting as male now. Like it is so incredibly inauthentic to myself! In fact, we are supposed to go to our daughter's school for some big track and field day thing for most of the day tomorrow apparently, and I am absolutely dreading the thought of going there as a male! Especially now that my driver's license even says I am not a male.
Some of you who are not to the point of going in public yet, probably have a hard time comprehending yourself ever reaching that point. But you can do it!!! It is an incredible thing! The more you do it, and the more you realize that the world didn't come to an end, the more your confidence will grow, to where eventually you will see people give you a funny look, and it will not even affect you at all! It is so incredible and happy!
