Audio version of this thread (so far): https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/sets/eryns-transition-diary-blog


So, I noticed new blogs are not being accepted on the board; and I probably won't be able to fill a daily blog anyway, but I really wanted to share my first 3 weeks adjusting to the real me.  Please excuse the formatting, this was originally a series of tweets. I had to actually change my name/profile and graphic on Twitter because it had my real name. Which, funny coincidence, is actually a gender neutral name, but I always found Eryn a cute and cool name, too!

This is not meant to be a guide, this is just my journey or the first 3 weeks of it.

1. Be miserable / hate yourself for almost 30 years
Looking back, it really just all makes sense now. I have always been the shy person that wants to be included, but would hide in the bathroom/outside at social gatherings. I never got along with boys very well, but never felt like I should approach girls, either.

Growing-up my favorite cookie-cutter cartoon plot episodes were those ones where people swapped bodies or genders. I just found them so darn fun and interesting to explore.  I must have been truly unable to see myself for missing this clue and a couple other HUGE ones coming!

When puberty hit me, I lost all control.  I was the guy in his room masturbating for hours on end every day- and that sort of became a habit.  I have the abrasive scars to prove how furious I did this.  It made me so depressed, I almost tried to cut off my own member.

I would occasionally dream of scenarios where I was transformed into a woman for both lewd and non-lewd reasons.  I also had frequent dreams of being like trapped under a glass pane, screaming at the top of my lungs but unable to make a sound.

I had a brother, er, sister, who I looked-up to and emulated most of my life without understanding her gender dysphoria. Much of my life resembles hers, and if not for the growing community of trans people who teach one another, I would have ended up the same way as her.

I've always been slender, unable to 'bulk-up' and I just felt like less of a person than what others expect me to be because of it.  Teased about my girly wrists or the way I sat. I used to say the only thing keeping me from being a woman is my damn penis. What a red flag!

I'm a romantic, but always felt a disconnect between emotional and physical love.  I felt like, it didn't matter the gender of who I fell in love with, and for a long time reasoned that I must have been gay. BUT I wasn't sexually attracted to masculinity, at least not yet...


2. "Open-up" your feminine side
In the past, I had made attempts to anally pleasure myself and it usually ended in disaster!  Once I was married, I was so turned-off by the thought that my wife would tap my anus just to see my back arch and I completely flip out.  A few months ago, I got an "itch" um inside.

This feeling, I couldn't ignore for long. Maybe I was just doing something wrong in the past.  Same story, lots of pain, nothing pleasurable... but then I tried a back-and-forth motion with my tool of choice. It was absolutely INCREDIBLE!

Things escalated and I went bigger. I started moaning(when I was usually quiet) and endeavored to moan "like a girl." Then I even tried to say phrases that a girl would in a similar situation.  Pleasure and lust makes you say some EMBARRASSING things! lol


3. Lots and lots of research
I wanted to be more girly, though. And I set-up a series of trials for myself, the first being my voice.  I found posts on susans dot org  and amateur video help on youtube with: (go to tweet/signature to view video) ... (go to tweet/signature to view video) ... I can't find the 3rd video anymore...

Research is going to be an on-going thing, as I am constantly doing it. I was so lazy as a man, and there's so much to take in when trying to become a woman. But this was the "ultimatum" for me: If I can't sound female, then that will be the end of this path for me.


4. Practicing with voice
This first couple of days were absolutely brutal, and I abuse the heck of my body. Thank goodness it's so resilient! I started with the more 'dangerous' method, of swallowing and holding my larynx(adams apple) as high as I could. Practically did this all day, everyday.

Whatever I was doing seemed to be working slightly, and it pushed me further! But it also made me need to blow my nose every 15 minutes, and constantly have mucus all throughout my throat, yuck!  I was willing to bear that, but am so glad it seems to be completely behind me.

I don't work with co-workers, so I had plenty of time to practice. I would use stream-of-consciousness, read things out load, and of course, sing like crazy. The funny thing is, all this exercise for my throat improved my male singing significantly as well!

It has been said that you really need to hear yourself, and I made sure to record myself and listen and adapt or adjust, too.  A few times, it actually felt like I had 'lost it' but I'm definitely not worried of that at the moment.  Disney songs are my go-to for this!


5. Daily mannerisms
I kind of do things a bit girly sometimes already, just without thinking, but the biggest noteworthy thing is the general demeanor of women.  Women are less obtrusive than men, and often reserved (until they want to flaunt it!) More considerate of others' feelings or emotions.

The other major thing is the beautiful, fluid way of doing that I admire so much. Men are stiff, cumbersome, and 'solid.' While women tend to be graceful, precise, and flowing.  It's not really about flailing your limp wrists around and over-exaggerating to everything either.

One other thing is that it seems, more than men, women use hand gestures when speaking, as well. This was an easy thing to pick-up on, and really fun to do sometimes, too!  Honestly, besides the philosophy, I feel like general feminine mannerisms just came naturally to me.


6. Um...shaving, yeah
Truth be told, I have actually shaved my butt/junk in the past, but never my legs(the beast!) This was a very disheartening first experience for me. The time investment, the resources wasted, and the end result. All was like some horrible nightmare to get so far only to fail.

I used a simple disposal woman's razor before, and decided to try and use my trusty electric trimmer that I've had for years.  The hair actually came off! It was just too long for any razor to deal with!  And while it was certainly a hack-job, it filled me with hope.

Since then I have shaved twice. The first with the remaining disposable razor, and the second, with a remover cream.  I think I'm just the absolute worst at doing things, but the cream didn't seem to work, took even longer than shaving, and was a way harsher mess to deal with.

In addition to the cream, I tried using wax strips on my face the same night.  It didn't hurt as much as I was expecting, but it also wasn't effective at all.  I saw maybe 3 hairs on the strip, and i tried warming-up that sucker for like 5 minutes, GAH!


7. The 'possibly' calorie deficient diet
I don't recommend doing what I'm about to say.  So, without HRT, I was looking at methods to increase estrogen in my body a bit more. And like with most things, I drive right off the cliff into whatever I'm doing- the only changes I can ever seem to make are drastic ones!

Research again. So, stay away from grapefruit is the gist of what I got, and it seemed like taking out meats and other stuff to reduce T, and to increase E it was flax seeds, dried fruits, strawberries, and soy. Some information out there seemed to contradict each other tho.

Before I would usually eat a burrito from #Chipotle with soda, in fact, I think 95% of all liquids I've ever drank in my life have been soda. Know what that means? Yup! Cold turkey that ->-bleeped-<-!  I drink only water now. No calories, and it helps me feel 'full' sometimes. (I OMITTED THE REST OF #7 BECAUSE I THINK IT WOULD BREAK THE TOS FOR SUSANS AND I <33333 YOU ALL! - to view it can check tweet/signature)


8. Workout routine
So, since no HRT(yet!) I am constantly trying to discover methods of getting a more feminine body.  For me, the most defining feature of 'femininity' is in those hips, baby! And men are notoriously flat in that department- which is something I'd like to change!

People suggested squats, but I wanted a full-on workout! (I never exercise!) And I found this website called spotebi dot com , it may not be the best thing out there, but I definitely enjoy and feel like it's really working! I ONLY do the Butt Circuit, every other day.


9. Pampering oneself
Or a beauty regime, in general. As a man, I would shower....wait when did I shower? Don't worry, I shower everyday now. Nice and clean!  But I don't wash my hair every day, cause from what I remember it can remove the natural oils- so, every other day, again.

For me, I think make-up is going to be the biggest hurdle of them all. I don't really have the means to 'play around' with lots of different product right now. So, all I've mostly done is shape/trim my eyebrows and attempted to use 2 kinds of brow pens.

Excluding make-up, this is why men complain that women spend all their money, but aren't they so beautiful? Ahhh~  Anyway, I also use a cleanser, scrub, body moisturizer, and something called Tendskin for both all my awful shaving ventures and acne, too!

As a man, I never really took care of myself, it's a wonder I'm still standing! So many toes and fingernails are in some much needed maintenance.  Recently, I got a pedicure(it was magical!) and soon, I am trying to get a manicure. I plan to do the upkeep myself afterward.


10. Reaching out to the community
So, I at first fooled myself into thinking, maybe I will just keep this to myself and be "openly" trans between 2 and 6am each day, basically only long enough to follow my general routine / regime LOL   But it is necessary, I feel, to have others that support you, too.

Early on, I was debating whether I'd go for HRT or not, and that lasted all but seriously like 10 minutes! LOL  I was turned down by one clinic, and realized that I basically need a shrink to diagnose me so I can be put on HRT first.

I had thought about therapy before, but there was always a stigma around it. Now, I just can't wait to have someone I can actually outpour everything that I've been holding inside for so damn long! It's like a purifying flood, eroding the masculine, filled with the feminine.

Gaming is how I connect with people. I want to be a designer(and am currently designing!) and games were always what supported my relationships.  Comradery with my passed sister, and I even met my wife while playing online!  But I'm far too busy to play games these days!

Except it's not about being too busy, but about making time for things you really want to do. Prior to my realization I was trans, I was going to make a let's play channel to reconnect with games as a gamer. And it just seems like a fantastic idea! I'm so excited to do it!



If you read through this whole mess, you're a real sweet heart! *kisses*

Well Eryn 🙋‍♀️ you have just created your journal here at Susan's place.  Save this thread of yours as a bookmark and return to it to post any updates.  Others will be able to chime in with comments and make it a place where they can learn to know about you as you start and proceed on your life's path.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica 💁‍♀️

@Eryn T   I see that you were already welcomed to Susan's Place by @KathyLauren after your very first post on April 29th on the Introductions Forums.  I also see that you have been busy on the Forums posting on various topics and threads.   Susan's Place is a great place for you to explore your feelings and questions. 
Your posting here is well thought out and is a wonderful treatise about being a trans.

In your time on the various Forums and also now here on your "journal" thread you can continue to share with others and hear their stories and you tell yours.   You will undoubtedly find that you will make friends here as well.

Please continue to be involved at your own pace.  .

Back on your Introduction Posting on April 29th you were sent an Official Welcome message that included important LINKS that gives you information about how to utilized the Susan's Place site as well as the rules that you will need to know.   
For your convenience and a reminder I am now including those LINKS below on my message... as follows:

Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

When I read some of these posts by people early in their transition, I have to say I find it a bit confronting - and I say that with no judgement.

I guess I might have been similarly attracted to superficial aspects of being female when I was early in transition(?), but to be honest, your experience of being a woman, and a transgender woman, is worlds apart from mine.

I believe everyone has autonomy over their own identity. However... I don't agree with her principles, but I also kind of get what Germaine Greer is saying when she talks about some transwomen having no comprehension of what it's like to live as a woman in society.

I have the privilege of living stealth in some parts of my life. Being a woman to me is not about 'girly' behaviours and makeup and demure deferential mannerisms. Heck you can have those stereotypes without the trauma of transition. It's about dealing with all the good and bad experiences that comes with being accepted by all of society as a woman. It means the frustration of being spoken over in meetings by men, having an opinion that's perceived as less valuable, and getting paid less for the same work. It means living with the constant threat of sexual harassment and assault, and a body that men treat as a possession. It comes with a shared bond of trust with other women and the mutual fight for reproductive rights. It means having a broader emotional experience of life. It also comes with a hormonal maternalistic connection to life and nature, generally speaking. It's a blessing seeing the world with estrogenic vibrancy and colour.

My womanhood is not defined by "pampering regimes", moaning during sex the way porn performers do, dieting for a slender figure, or being deferential to men. To be blunt, I almost find those suggestions a bit reductive.

Similarly, being transgender to me is not about getting in touch with my frilly side. It's about thousands of hours hours spent in courtrooms, protests, or law reform conferences fighting for equal rights. It's about the terror of rejection or even violence when telling a wonderful guy I'm attracted to after the fifth date that I am trans. It's about hugely invasive surgeries that involved having my face removed and my skull reshaped. It's about the painful year long recovery from SRS, and sobbing my way through hundreds of hours of electrolysis. It's about the terror of sending an email to 1,000 business associates notifying them of my name and gender change. It's about a part of my life (transition) when I was visibly between genders, that I would probably rather just forget about. It's about a lifelong shared bond with other women who moved through that journey alongside me - and some men we met on that road travelling the opposite direction.

I know other transwomen have a different experience again. Those who transition later in life often don't get as much passing privilege and deal with the full brunt of social marginalisation, discrimination, abuse, and violence just because they are visibly trans. Non-binary trans femmes have a whole different experience again.

I guess my point is that our experiences of womanhood, and our experiences of being transgender, are so diverse that sometimes they actually have very little in common. Apart from your comments about dysphoria and being picked on for being an effeminate boy, there is actually not much of your story that I can relate to. I don't think that undermines the validity of either of our identities, I guess it just shows how diverse the transgender community is.

If you get the opportunity to sit with some female colleagues or friends and talk about their experiences of being female, I think there is lots of opportunities to learn more about the typical female biological and social experience. So many of us transwomen only learn about the female gender through the harmful lens of toxic masculinity. Feminism has a lot to offer.

All the best for your journey, wherever it may lead you.

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-2-may-1st-2018

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
When I read some of these posts by people early in their transition, I have to say I find it a bit confronting - and I say that with no judgement.

I hear ya, Claire. I do apologize if it does seem like I'm pushing my own view of what feminine actually is. I clearly do not know, I've only even explored these feelings very recently and I thank you for your critical and constructive reply!

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I guess I might have been similarly attracted to superficial aspects of being female when I was early in transition(?), but to be honest, your experience of being a woman, and a transgender woman, is worlds apart from mine.

Right now, I can barely consider myself a woman. And I understand that everyone's lives are different.

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I believe everyone has autonomy over their own identity. I don't agree with her, but I also kind of get what Germaine Greer is saying when she talks about some transwomen having no comprehension of what it's like to live as a woman in society.

Completely agree! It's like anything looking at it from the outside only.  No woman in my life has truly opened-up to me about these things, so now I'm slowly starting to get this information from members of Susans.  In fact, most of the time women will kind of talk down to me as just being a dumb guy.  Kind of the stereotype projected in media and furthered by such characters as like Homer of the Simpsons, or Peter Griffin of Family Guy.  Prior to my 'change' I had very strong views that aligned with the Red Pill movement. I do think that has something to do with why I am trans, too. I envied women, but I never saw the ugly side of being a woman- and that IS something I will face someday but I hope that by learning from people on here and sharing my own stories, I won't be as devastated as I might have been otherwise.

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I have the privilege of living stealth in some parts of my life. Being a woman to me is not about 'girly' behaviours and makeup and demure deferential mannerisms. Heck you can have those stereotypes without the trauma of transition. It's about dealing with all the good and bad experiences that comes with being accepted by all of society as a woman. It means the frustration of being spoken over in meetings by men, having an opinion that's perceived as less valuable, and getting paid less for the same work. It means living with the constant threat of sexual harassment and assault. It comes with a shared bond of trust with other women. It means having a broader emotional experience of life. It also comes with a hormonal maternalistic connection to life and nature, generally speaking.

I want that connection. All my life, I've wanted to talk to people to connect with them to be supportive of them, and I never felt like I was good enough to do so or didn't know how.  That's why I connected with people through video games, and why I want to make games. To share myself(my thoughts and feelings) with others in a way that's interactive.  And I remember about women backing down or being talked over at meeting, I read that in an article once, but like you said, my experience is totally different.  I'm usually the one being talked over or down to by women; most would see that and be like, "Well, man-up!" but y'see, I just can't and I think it makes sense why now. 

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
My womanhood is not defined by "pampering regimes", moaning during sex the way porn performers do, dieting for a slender figure, or being deferential to men. To be blunt, I almost find those suggestions a bit reductive.

I can see why, but for me, if I am not doing that, what is left for me feminize myself? Perhaps I will find those answers here on Susans.  I mean, they are reductive, but those are just some of the things I find enjoyable. I would say my greatest joy has been walking up-right, correcting my posture after so so long. That, is yet, another reductive way of looking at it, but even aside from the things I think are 'girly' this process has helped me better myself regardless of gender.

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
Similarly, being transgender to me is not about getting in touch with my frilly side. It's about thousands of hours hours spent in courtrooms, protests, or law reform conferences fighting for equal rights. It's about the terror of rejection or even violence when telling a guy I'm attracted to after the fifth date that I am trans. It's about hugely invasive surgeries that involved having my face removed and my skull reshaped. It's about the painful year long recovery from SRS, and sobbing my way through hundreds of hours of electrolysis. It's about the terror of sending an email to 1,000 business associates notifying them of my name and gender change. It's about a part of my life (transition) when I was visibly between genders, that I would probably rather just forget about. It's about a lifelong shared bond with others who moved through that journey alongside me.

That is something, I know many of you have gone through. And you're right, I would not have the strength to go through. If I were faced with such hardships I would have backed down at this opportunity for myself. I am very upset that you had to endure such things; and I may have to endure some of it down the road, we will see.  Even so, all that can be done is taking it one day at a time. I may not have mentioned it in this thread, but my situation is very unique and if I had a job that wasn't open to trans people or was in an environment where I was relied upon as a man- then I couldn't go through with it. It's not what's best for me, but I guess I'm a coward in that sense. 

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I know other transwomen have a different experience again. Those who transition later in life often don't get as much passing privilege and deal with the full brunt of social marginalisation, discrimination, abuse, and violence just because they are visibly trans.

I agree. But for me, it's not just transwomen, but all people.  When I was younger I was very critical and vain about everything and still am in many ways, but it's something I've been trying to fight, because if I just think critically about someone's outward appearance, then I can't see what's important inside.  When I first saw 'friends' I had in online games pictures, I was a bit surprised. I lost a few loves when I was younger because of this hyper-critical nature. I even once told someone that I love very deeply that I don't think they look human.  And what good has that done? Even coming to Susans, I at first felt that creeping critical self rising, but pushed it back and when I got to talking to people now, it doesn't even matter.  I tend to get side-tracked, too, but when I was really young, I actively bullied people in school over their looks; then it was divine retribution when I had to get glasses and got acne.

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
I guess my point is that our experiences of womanhood, and our experiences of being transgender, are so diverse that sometimes they actually have very little in common. Apart from your comments about dysphoria and being picked on for being an effeminate boy, there is actually not much of your story that I can relate to. I don't think that undermines the validity of either of our identities, I guess it just shows how diverse the transgender community is.

I understand, and that, I think, is why I feel blessed.  I do not think I actually suffered any dysphoria until recently, but maybe it was there and I just didn't know it.  I also wasn't teased as much cause no one ever approaches me, and I don't approach them.  And my family was in full support of my late sister who actually did suffer from dysphoria. While both of us are similar in many ways, even our views of femininity differed somewhat. 

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
If you get the opportunity to sit with some female colleagues or friends and talk about their experiences of being female, I think there is lots of opportunities to learn more about the typical female experience. So many of us transwomen only learn about the female gender role through the harmful lens of toxic masculinity. Feminism has a lot to offer.

I would really like that.  I've also seen quite toxic forms of feminism, too.  I don't think any mode of thinking is without flaws, even being open to all forms can often lead to not really being a proponent of any; and I think that's something I do stuggle with daily.  I remember my grandfather told me my name is some Hebrew proverb meant the defender of mankind, I think that meant a lot to me, so I've always tried to be a bridge between ideals. This has led to losing friends and loved ones in the past, due to my rather blunt impartiality.

Quote from: Claire_Sydney on May 01, 2018, 07:59:38 PM
All the best for your journey, wherever it may lead you.

Thank you! That means a lot, and while it may seem like I was upset about anything you've said, quite the contrary! I love learning, and you've taught me a great deal.  Sometimes people just need reality checks, y'know?  I do tend to get carried away sometimes or always.

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-3-may-4th-2018

Not much in the ways of progress I do think my singing voice has started to smooth out, but I was never a very good singer in the first place....

Anyway, i've basically hit a wall with makeup.  My eyebrows are definitely not 'on fleek' but they're okay, the biggest hurdle right now is foundation. Once I get that down, I'll try contouring, and go from there.


But something I have progressed a little in is I finally sat down and recorded the first session of my let's play!  I discovered im super ->-bleeped-<- at some video games(or just rusty) as well as not the best at stream-of-consciousness, but have to start somewhere.   

I will be seeing my behavioral therapist for the first time(and my first time ever in that environment) next Thursday. I was hoping to have this whole makeup thing down by then, cause I've only ever used my 'feminine' voice on the phone....aaaaaawkwaaaard.

I also had been looking for places to get my makeup semi-professionally done in that area, but leads not so good. Had a hit on Thumbtack.com but then after they messaged me, they just stopped. I tried calling and messaging them, but they never replied for over a week. And I reposted my request on Thumbtack, this time it turned-up 0 matches.

I also made a thread in the Beauty > Makeup section that hasn't given me a whole lot to go off of. This was after browsing the first 8 pages or so of the forum and trying to learn myself(and also checking out the video that Jessica so graciously provided in my intro thread <3) but I'm still struggling with foundation. And I was pretty sure I have super oily skin, but according to one of the replies in that thread I have dry skin. So now I'm really confused. Lots of trial and error I guess. ho-hum

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-4-may-6th-2018

Still going around in circles with this whole capture thing...so much additional nonsense required. I just pray that it works eventually.

I bought an off-brand Nubra and a bra that may or may not fit me(I didn't really have the luxury of trying it on) but hoping to start wearing it under my clothes starting Monday. 

It's now less than 5 days away from my first appointment with a therapist; it'll also be the first time that I tell another soul face-to-face that I'm transgender. I'm pretty nervous, but really excited.

I'm most sad that I can't seem to figure out how to deal with my foundation issue. Maybe I'll try putting on contour/highlight/blush without covering my shadow first....maybe - I just really don't understand why it isn't working. I had hoped to be able to do my makeup well enough before meeting with the therapist.

I don't want to use my old voice around her, but I don't want to speak in my real voice while looking like this:



The best thing really to have happened lately was the transgender friend I made on Twitter, who said my blog-posty-thingie really helped them, and my own guardian angel here on Susan's who coincidentally calls me THEIR guardian angel. Besides those two wonderful souls, I feel very alone. I have no friends in real life, and I can't confide in my wife about this yet, either. I've been getting lots of great knowledge and second-hand(or third?) experience by people here on Susans, but maybe I'm not able to contribute to the conversations very well because I'm such a newbie to all this. 

I want to help others, but I lack the skill, knowledge, or experience to do so. But I feel like as long as I can continue to remain friendly with those two who look out for me, then I'll be okay.

I find this thread really useful and inspiring and I will return to it.  Some of your experiences make me think "I've been there", too.

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-5-may-9th-2018

rewriting my post because Google chrome crashed my whole computer; so even though I Ctrl+A, Ctrl+C...it was still lost

Thanks, Mary! Yeah, I'm pretty new to everything so I'm guessing I will be tripping over my heels as I walk down this path that so many of you have already traveled. But hopefully, I will come out stronger because of all the great information available here at Susans!

So, trying to remember how I said all this before, I'm kinda a scatterbrains sometimes. 

I'm really trying to transition socially and physically like uh yesterday! lol But as I learned today(and many of the things I've done) it's all about time and growth, even if you do jump head first into it(as I often do!)

I work alot, like alot, and luckily for my job, I have no co-workers. But I am often in places where people approach me, so seemed like a good opportunity to test the waters as it were.  I think the thing I love the most about myself right now is my real voice, and I often find myself singing in the car, saying things aloud at work, or singing along to the loudspeakers. But when I am approached or stopped by other people I have to snap back into my old voice and I hate doing that. But I just wasn't comfortable speaking in my real voice while looking the way I do.

So today(and from now on) I want to take some measures to feminize my outward appearance, so I don't feel obligated to snap into a masculine voice when addressed.  Since makeup is on hold right now, partly because I may have damaged my skin due to over-exfoliation and partly because I still can't get foundation to look half-decent and I mean, foundation is THE foundation, yeah?

Anyway, so instead of putting on makeup, the best I can do is wear a sick mask. And I also got a NuBra look-a-like that I wore with an A36 bra on top of it.  Now, this was like the smallest bra I could find(I did at one point try to measure myself, but forgot to write it down and then the department was so chaotic anyway, that I just didn't make a good decision with it; but I made an alright one) And even though it's so small, they look incredibly massive on me and I don't know why, perhaps because I have only wore a bra exactly 1 day in my whole life- and that was today.

So today I wore the mask and bra combo to work, which involved about 4.5 hours at a drug store and 5 hours at a grocery store.  I think the mask helped to keep people away, but despite that I was still approached a handful of times. 3 choice encounters to sum up the day, though.

1-There was this old man that insisted I must know where a certain medication is(I never heard of the brand). I actually talked to him for quite away, trying to guide him in a general direction, he never addressed me as sir or ma'am.
2-This really forceful guy yelled "Sir!" at me, and I turned and explained to him that I am not an employee, but if he needs help there's a lady in the next aisle helping someone currently.  He didn't call me "sir" a second time, nor ma'am. He did seem somewhat confused. I don't know if by my voice or that I'm not an employee.
3-Small victory here.  This foreign guy approached me, calling me "sir" and started asking questions. I apologized and explained that I can't help them, but the employees from behind the pharmacy can direct him. And he apologized, then addressed me as "ma'am" *squeeee!* Oh, it made my heart leap for joy! I mean, I thought it might, but I was never sure how it'd feel.

Also, I tend to reach up high for my work, and found that because there is no under-boob to catch this bra, it would often slide upward so I would have to readjust it a few times throughout the day.  Which brought me to another step, that I don't think I accomplished (this time).  I could only really adjust in the bathroom. Luckily for me, the drug store bathrooms are 1-person only, and the grocery store I just got lucky I guess since it was so late.  I wanted to enter the women's, but I wasn't confident in my overall appearance, though I had a massive(or what looked/felt massive, to me) rack- I still went into the mens.  Which was pretty nerve-wracking in and of itself because it'd be awkward walking out of the mens with my boobz.

But overall, it was really nice to not have to speak in a masculine way to people. Though I get the feeling I'm much more built like a man, than I thought, despite the way I squat, sit, stand, and walk, or do general shopping-like behavior. While I was at the grocery store, I bought a small eye shadow kit and I intend to watch several more tutorials specifically for eye shadow, so that while I'm still resorting to this sick mask, my eyes can at least appear feminine.  I just hadn't worked on that part of my makeup yet because I have yet to come out about everything to my wife. But I do intend on wearing the bra and mask combo with eye shadow(and maybe mascara) and then transition into full makeup without the mask, but keep the bra.

I am also going to finally have my first therapy session tomorrow!  It feels like it's been forever coming. I originally called them about 1 week after I first had transgender thoughts, and had to reschedule due to financial reasons.  When I called them, I had barely begun my journey, all I had done at that point was exercise once, shave once, and practice my voice.

I have no idea what she's gonna say, or where I should begin, but I think it will all work out...hopefully


OH where, OH where will Eryn's next adventure take her?

Wow Eryn - I am a little inspired by you partially presenting as female in public already - that is one of my last steps. I take the smallest unintentional slights too personally still - not sure I could do that right now and not have possible disappointments derail me. Therefore, I am holding off on all of that until I have acquired a higher level of confidence.



xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Alyssa

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-6-may-9th-2018

Thanks, Alyssa!

Yeah, I was a bit surprised myself. Especially seeing around here where many ladies are in terms of being out and about. But there's lots of caveats to my particular situation that help tremendously, like not having co-workers, and using the mask, you really can't tell what gender I am from face alone- so it's like cheating.

And I mean, if I were talking to someone for more than 5 minutes, they might have started to get suspicious, but due to these initial reactions I now endeavor to not only walk like a woman, but stand like one, too.  And I may not be doing that right either, but that's what I spent a good amount of time doing at the grocery store when I was there. Mostly involved kinda arching the ball of my foot backwards on one side, and 'resting' my butt on the thigh of the other. 

And these are things that I feel like are important, but we may not realize(or at least I didn't) you can't just walk like a woman, then stand like a man, or crouch like a woman, but them grab something like a man- it really will take a lot of practice, but I'm so glad that my dayjob gives me that perfect opportunity to do so.

Sometimes I do get approached at certain stores by employees(ive even gotten thrown out a few stores, but not for being trans lol) what's going to be truly interesting is meeting a particular guy who I've talked to a handful of times as a man, who is always at this one superstore that is the state adjacent to where I live.  Up until then, this hasn't been very risky per-say, but when I approach him with my rack and girly voice, he's gonna know exactly who I am and THAT is gonna be WEIRD.

And he apologized, then addressed me as "ma'am" *squeeee!* Oh, it made my heart leap for joy! I mean, I thought it might, but I was never sure how it'd feel.

Last Christmas I attended the Christmas Party for my support group. A lady walked across the room and told me I looked stunning. I wanted to tell her to knock off with the wine. Keep in mind I am 6'4" 220 lbs  My dress was about three inches too short. I have broad shoulders, knobby knees. Doesn't matter. It felt so good to be recognized as someone I always dreamed about being. I am glad that you got to experience such a wonderful experience. Let's hope we get many more.

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-7-may-10th-2018

Stunning? Oh, my, Dawn! Teach me your ways!

*edit* Made an Imgur account so I think I can finally post pictures?  Here is the mask/bra combo I am talking about:

https://imgur.com/Y0NDUxo

So, today I made a lot of progress(I think), so much so that if life were a video game, I probably leveled-up to 15 and unlocked a few new abilities or something.

Day did not start out great. I had a laundry-list of things I needed to try and cram into 30 minutes, to make my first therapy appointment.  One of those being working on my eye shadow. Since foundation hates me, and you can see my eyes with the mask  I wear- I figured I should work on eye shadow.

But something is wrong, I really REALLY don't know what I'm doing when it comes to makeup.  I didn't have any concealer, so I tried to use the highlight from my contour pad. And barely anything got on my face(dry) I was like, "Am I supposed to wet the brush?" so I tried that, still not much. Wetted even more, and there just was barely anything on my face at this point. (I did use eye primer, too) I wondered if it was something to do with the tint and my skin color, so I recklessly started trying to put in the eye shadow parts and it was the same story. I just wiped it off with my hand, there wasn't even much on my face to begin with and I had wasted enough time doing that already.

So I drove to the clinic, my appointment was at 10am, and I got there about 30 minutes early. I knew I needed to fill out some paperwork, but didn't want to sit too long waiting while wearing my mask and bra.  So, I did some searching on my phone in the care until about 15min 'till.

Then I go inside, and insurance ends up being a god damn hassle.  I tried to login to my work thing to figure out what company it's with and then I needed to log into their website and do the same. But I hate my work's online portal, I can never remember my password and it always yells at me for using one of the last 5 passwords...so that now my password for that site is something like ->-bleeped-<-YouNameETC and a bunch of numbers/characters. The other problem for some reason each time I would get the message sent to my phone of the 1-time use code dealies, when I tried to use them, the website would automatically go back to the previous page. This happened like 4 times, and just a whole 'nother mess of things.

Finally, I resolved all the insurance stuff and was able to fill out the last piece of paperwork. The receptionist told me that I could finish it after my session if there's difficulty. BUT SHE LIED!  They were waiting for me to fill out the insurance first, so much so that I only got about 20minutes of my 1hr session. And it was good...? It was weird, it was definitely difficult to describe.

If you all read my posts on here, you can imagine how hyperactive I talk in person lol and I was definitely straining my voice by the end of it, but I did not revert to my old voice.  It's hard for me to recall everything I spilled out, but I did manage to 'lay the groundwork' I think.  Not much more than some of you know about me already(especially if you send me a direct message!) I think it was kinda like setting-up several topics to expand upon in future sessions, with a single topic per session each.  So I am quite anxious for my next session!

I was a bit bummed, because my time was eaten into and I barely got to connect with another human being in-person. But it was still good. And something happened as a result with my voice. I learned that there are actually 3 things that are required for a feminine voice(if you're excluding the 'shelf' method, too) and some of you gals might already know the third, but I certainly didn't at the time.

I learned that it takes pitch, resonance, and... confidence.  Yup! It's really weird that I didn't think about that, I mean I didn't so much as converse with many people today, but there were plenty of, "Sorry! I just need to get through." or "Excuse me. Right behind ya." etc. So, not the greatest, but I still could tell the difference the most, in fact, with my singing(which I enjoy doing while driving from place to place). 

It was like a 'magic-zone' or something. I've said plenty of times over this past month that I've "found my voice" or something akin to that, but today was really when there existed harmony in it.  I wasn't trying to sound feminine, I was speaking/singing in a feminine way! I was also able to rest just slightly under falsetto without acting doing into it, and damn! Was that a good feeling!

So, I do think my method of handling a social transition is certainly helping me.  My mask and bra is like the armor of a soldier, in a way.  They might not fight as ferociously with that armor on, and in-turn, they don't unleash their full power when in the fray. The same applies to me with my mask and bra.  Mask alone, I might reply in a feminine way but very subdued. Likewise, if I only have the bra, but no mask, then I don't think I would even be able to show my face in public, looking how I do.

But with them both(even though I make one FUGLY chick) it helps me build confidence in my female ways; for, to try and sound like a man(like a cop-out) while having um, boobs, at least for me, seems way more damaging and embarrassing than just being female.

This is the 2nd day(of many to come) where I am out in the world, with my 'breasts' and the first day, I did not go into the women's bathroom. But today...I did.  Several times, it seemed like I was having a bit of bladder control issue today for some reason lol Also, because I was so nervous, I didn't retuck very well, I think? A few times when I got out, it felt like there was something lodged between my thighs, whereas usually the feeling on member pretty much vanishes.

Now, there was little risk of embarrassment involved because this is just employees that I've probably seen before(ive been working at the same round of stores for over a year now) but have no real connection with; so there isn't much concern for them being aware of the new me.  Though I did think it humorous a few times to myself, employees being like, "Wasn't that chick here last week, but I thought they were a dude?" Or something.

Still, I had an opportunity to 'confront' this notion, but fate was not with me.  At one store(not one I work at), I had regularly come to the McDonalds and ask for a spoon and nothing more, usually in my same jacket. I doubt many people do this(considering you can just grab a spoon from the produce counter literally like 10 feet away) and so I endeavored to do so again, but with my real voice and emulating(somewhat) my real appearance.  The thing I usually buy so I need a spoon was not in stock this time...dammit! But I didn't care, I was gonna ask them for a spoon anyway, because that's what's important more so than using excuses to not "go for it" but this time, it was different people behind the counter. No one I had ever seen before, so there was little point in doing it.

Tomorrow will be very interesting, I think, if a certain employee is working at one of the other stores I work at. Because I have conversed with him on several occasions(and I might have already mentioned this in this very thread) at length, and he recognizes me immediately and calls out to me; and I commented about his haircut, etc.  So, the question is, will I be able to approach him with my boobs and feminine voice?  I basically need to, because where I always see him in the store, is required to complete my job.  And I have to complete my job.

I'm not really trying to find a makeup tutor or anything in one of the areas that I work. As much as I love 'hiding behind a mask' it's really uncomfortable, doing that for up to 5 hour stretches at a time and it get's really hot. Not to mention the sweater I wore probably wasn't the best for the weather, but it's the only 'shirt' I have that feels feminine to me.  Which leads into my step, or proposed step...

So, at one store, despite having mannerisms down-pact, with boobs, I was still called sir from behind by an employee. (but not one I've seen before) And I think it's partly because of my lack of curves, and also dress. I have a few 'tight' jeans that I've been wearing, but they are now all hanging loose(kind of) around my hips; if not for my slightly perky bum, they'd probably just fall right down to the floor!

And what I'm thinking I should try to do next is going to paint a bit of a target on me, I think, but then again, many women do anyway?  I plan to buy some jeans that fit, but not just any girl jeans- ones with embroidered jewels on the butt flaps!  I would how much more feminine I might appear with that bit of clothing, hm?

And lastly, since I was trying to improve my makeup for my eyes. I wasn't going to neglect my eyebrows, but the problem is similar to everything it seems- I don't know what the ->-bleeped-<- I'm doing.  I watch videos, I have brow gel, brow pencil, the little brush, shapers and I do what I can.  I'm so worried about removing eyebrow hairs that I shouldnt, too. I had heard about 'threading' on here and elsewhere, and thought it was some kind of medical procedure; but then I saw it in my recommended videos on Youtube.  And found a boutique near one of the places I work.  So I'm going to give that a try. The biggest 'downside' to it seems to be pain, but I am no stranger to pain. 

I might be doing that as early as Saturday...


Oh, and lastly, lastly(because I just LOVE to ramble, apparently) my MicroSD card came in the mail a few days ago. I have yet to test out the capture, but if it works...then I can finally record gameplay footage for my Youtube channel and really start to explore my 'real' personality, when I'm trying to be amicable!


Toodles for now, dolls!

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-8-may-12th-2018

Oufff, I feel exhausted... I didn't do anything 'new' today, but I prepared for the next step, all the same.

I think it's pretty much the way I'm dressed that tells everyone right away, "That's not a girl. That's clearly a boy with boobs." And even before I got to greet the employee that I talk to occasionally, I was pretty much of the mind-set to get some girly clothes. But I don't know how successful that was, or will be, honestly.

While the sweater I was wearing is the only piece of clothing I owned that makes me feel slightly feminine, it would seem that the color totally loses the boobbage.  To me, they feel massive, and when I am walking around from the side, it's very noticeable. But from the front, it's a different story. And since I'm constantly bending down for my job, they practically end up vanishing.

I got stopped by quite a few people, some called me sir, none called me ma'am.  I talked more than a few phrases to some people, and those people never addressed me with sir or ma'am.

But what really sucked was the guy I see whenever I'm at this store.  He was there, he saw me, I was gonna call out to him, but he called out first. I did my best to express that "alot" has clearly been going on lately, but after the initial "Hey!" I was mostly ignored. I do not get the impression that he even saw my boobs.

So anyway, at the other store prior to his store, I just had to rush real quick and buy some outfit that isn't TOO flashy, but is CLEARLY not something a man would wear.  The pants I found seem good, I was desperately trying to find something with embroidered pockets, and I found some jeans that has nice flower designs on them, but they were like XL only.  So, what I got were some tight-ish fitting jeans that have a sparkley belt around it(either for use or just decoration) and I also got a purple t-shirt, and some kind of cardigan but I'm gonna have to return those >.<

It totally hadn't occurred to me(for some reason) that alot like ALOT of women's t-shirts leave their mid-rift exposed, which is fine, and if I didn't have hair to worry about down there, I'd be all for it!  I even considered trying to use concealer/foundation on it, but then I remember how bad foundation looks on my face; and that its probably not a usable tint for my stomach's skin anyway.

I won't be able to try out my new outfit until next week. The remaining jobs I have for this week, I won't even be able to wear my bra to because I will be traveling directly there after having lunch with my wife and her mother.  So tomorrow I'll return the shirt and cardigan, and buy a longer shirt and use one of my lighter shirt-jackets to draw attention away from my shoulders.

IN actual good news, though, I tested out the new MicroSD card with the capture device and was able to record gameplay without stuttering! I wasn't able to hear voice, so I gotta figure that out, but I'm so excited to finally be able to make content for my Twitter/Youtube!


I think these past couple days, everything's finally been catching-up to me.  It's probably a combination of my new diet(or lack thereof), lack of sleep, and trying to cram lots of Eryn-time in the evening on top of both companies that I work for.

I feel...very light-headed

Audio Version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-9-may-13th-2018

So I tried on my first purchased girl clothes ever! Still really neutral stuff, but it feels much better wearing them, that is until I looked at myself with webcam lol

This is what I had been wearing(and the shirt I said I like cause I feel feminine in it, now I can clearly see why)



This is the new outfit(I will also be wearing a sheer-jacket, that I hope will cover the lack of curvature going on in the stomach region.




Perhaps I should go with the pants(the seam stops just a bit below my knees, btw) and my sweater...would that be the best option, i dunno.

Also got some bobbing pins for my hair(since it gets in my way) I wanted to find a cute hair clip that would match the outfit, but was unsuccessful in doing so. Also got a nice boar bristle brush to try and capitolize on what hair I currently have!

edit also figured out this whole imgur and posting pics thing lol

Isn't the whole outfit-testing so much fun? I never cared what I wore as a guy and pretty much wore the same clothes week after week forever lol. But now, when trying on female clothing, I find myself taking my time and really working through combinations. Color, style and fit actually mean something to me now.

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-10-may-13th-2018

Quote from: Alyssa Bree on May 13, 2018, 03:21:20 AM
Isn't the whole outfit-testing so much fun? I never cared what I wore as a guy and pretty much wore the same clothes week after week forever lol. But now, when trying on female clothing, I find myself taking my time and really working through combinations. Color, style and fit actually mean something to me now.

Yeah!

And I think like even the clothing industry knows that about men, cause I mean you don't have much in the ways of variety even if you were trying to be stylish. Now the floodgates are open...and I forsee me making a lot of bad decisions lol

But so far, with fitting, I got damn lucky.  I looked at a MtF sizing guide and took my size predicted by it for male-to-female and reduced the female by 2-3 sizes(these are an 8, and according to the guide, I should be wearing between a 10-11) also these jeans feel PERFECT! And I have always been opposed to shorts, but I shave regularly and feeling the air hit legs is pretty fantastic!

I know many of us crossdressed as the first step...I can see why, I think I was always pretty apprehensive about the whole thing in the past because I felt like I was only gonna see a man in women's clothes(which cartoons/movies really like to humiliate with) but now, I can see the female me in my body...


time to get a friggin corset!

Audio version of this post: https://soundcloud.com/user-455138761/blog-post-11-may-13th-2018

Today has been pretty terrible for.

All I wanted was a corset, and now I'm waiting in the rain for a AAA serviceman for the next 90minutes...

Today I couldn't present as female for various reasons, that blow alone soured my mood. I feel incomplete without my breasts. Anyway...

The previous night I looked up several shops near where I work today, them being Victoria's Secret, Pink, and Macy's. I also had a scheduled meeting where I am the organizer for my indie studio at 4:30pm. Apparently all 3 shops were located in a mall that closes at 6pm about a 70min drive from my home.

Luckily, I was able to get through the meeting well enough, but weather got bad fast here and there was trouble all over the roads. I managed to get to the mall like 4 minutes before the  l
Place closed. I had actually called before leaving to see if they had the specific corset in stock, which they did not. I was just going to see if I could browse other substitutes.

So I park right out front Macy's, I have no idea how to navigate that store and was looking for a mall directory, but never found it...but somehow I came across Victoria's Secret, a very taboo /special moment and I just had to rush in

Will finish this story later, just got text from wifey.

Toodles, love you all!



Aaaaaaand the conclusion LOL

So, I mean, all throughout my life as a 'man' Victoria's Secret was like one of those places I'd never even dare go into, but I just rushed right in today...it just seems somehow silly to me. Anyway, lady there explained that their corsets were more for form, rather than function. So, that was a bummer. And the one I saw online at that particular shop, was only ever available online. I really wish I could buy stuff online, that'd make things at least a bit easier for my schedule!

So, I rush back into Macys, I need to get back so I can reach my car anyway. And by luck I find their lingerie department, but again, most of their corsets were just like extended bras or something.

When I was looking online originally, I saw that sometimes adult shops(which I have also never been in) sometimes sell them.  So, I checked the area and saw there was 2 shops about 2.5miles away. All of this while under the guise of still being on the way to work... let me explain a moment.

My wife is extremely paranoid of things like the house burning down or me being dead somewhere. So, I basically always have to text her when I am arriving somewhere and when I'm leaving somewhere, as well as a laundry list of 'checks' at home.  Normally, this is no big issue, but I have to try and time these texts to what she'd predict based on Google map data, so with me going to places to get my nails done, or looking for corsets, I have to get a bit creative...and tomorrow(this whole week, actually) is gonna be one major offender in that category.

So, as soon as I start to go, I feel like my tire is flat. Tire is a few months old, so annoyed, but find a place to air it up and do so. I find the first adult store, which has a stripe club attached to the back of it(which I have also never been in) and it was quite strange to enter one of those shops lol I mean, BAM! <not allowed> huge-ass dongs just as soon as I walk in.  I saw some high-quality strap-on harness thing, that I may end up buying later on, but they didn't really have corsets.

Went to the next one, it was just a super store and it was HUGE, I sadly, didn't get to browse at all.  Two sales ladies approached me, they looked like really cool chicks, too. But their last corset they said was sold about a month ago...oh well.

Dealing with the weather, and construction. I went to my job, and returned part of my outfit while there(I wasn't going to wear that one, anyway), did the job. Saw they had corsets, but it was only in XL size... and going by guide online, I should be grabbing a S or M, at best.

So, then I prepared for home. But, what's this? My tire is flat again in about an hours time.  So I debated what to do, luckily about 2 weeks ago my wife and I signed-up for AAA, so I called them.  It was a pretty awful call, took them forever to find my membership info, person was very keen on verifying and cross-verifying that I was indeed who I was(I wasnt using my feminine voice or anything for this). and then I just had to wait in the rain for the AAA person to arrive.

I got a text message saying their ETA was about 30minutes. My wife seemed upset and thought it should be sooner. I was parked in a gas station went inside looking for something to snack on, like those yogurts with granola, but no avail.  Then I got another text saying their ETA jumped by another hour.  This, all the while, I am going into one of my busiest weeks for job(I literally will be working 12+ hr days every day this week) or 14-15+ including drive time.  And I was trying to get all caught-up on some tasks (admin or otherwise) that I needed to take care of for my indie game studio.

And my wife was making some great suggestions of how to rearrange my schedule, BUT the problem is she doesn't know about my threading appointment tomorrow...and now I also have to go to the auto repair shop, too... on top of my work stuff. Anyway, back to the scenario...

This was my first experience with any kind of roadside assistance.  I was dumb and asked a dumb question, but the guy, instead of explaining to me in a helpful way rattled off a long "when I finish this story you'll know exactly why you should have kept your mouth shut" sort of vibe and in a very sassy or snarky tone.  Great that I had my donut at least, and I thought my trunk was full of crap from our old house, but I was pleasantly surprised that it wasnt except now...my wife is determined to clean out my car this weekend.  That's where I keep my rotation of panties, adhesive and regular bra, masks, and creditentials for my therapist, as well as any other Eryn-related stuff.  So, now I gotta figure out another place to hide those temporarily, too.

So, i'm writing this right now, I think it's like 3am. I'm going to need to wake up at 7am to call and setup an appointment with auto repair about 8:30am, wake up my wife around 7:30; go to one of my jobs and do most of it, then slip away around noon for my threading appointment, then go back and then to another job much further away. While juggling "im here/leaving now" texts to my wife for the auto repair about 2pm. Arriving at a completely different job about 3pm, and leaving it about 30 minutes before I arrive home.

I likely won't get home tomorrow until after midnight.  Things would get a lot of easier if I could stop being Eryn, but that feels even more difficult. Every day where I'm not at least presenting somewhat as female really crushes my soul. It makes me acutely aware that I have actually ALWAYS had dysphoria, I just didn't realize it; I thought I was just depressed for no reason.

And I really wanted to FINALLY do some gameplay recording, but god dammit! My schedule is an absolute mess lol   I still need to shower, shave, various lotions, put on nail polish, brush my hair, etc. tonight.


I guess, though, the one upside to lack of sleep(from what I've researched) is it drops your Testosterone quite a bit. 


So,


yay...

Hey Eryn, just wanted to stop in and say Hi in your thread!

Sorry your day today wasn't so hot. :/

Alyssa - Isn't that weird. I too, did not give a darn about how I looked as a guy. Average outfit. Tennis shoes, Levis and whatever shirt happened to be closest. Don't forget the sweatshirt to cover up man boobs. I guess I was fully immersed in grunge. Now I can't stop thinking about what I might put on. My current dream is that I get locked into the Venus warehouse and can try on anything. My big regret is my big feet. I love boots but they are rare as hens teeth in my size. Walking in heels is a death wish.