Hello everyone,
My name is Jamie. I am 55 years old and retired from 25 years as a pilot in the Air National Guard. I have only two very profound moments in my life. My rebirth as a Christian in 2009 and finally accepting who I really am this year; I am Jamie, not Jim. As far as the latter, it is been the most wonderful experience of my life. I have spent 55 years basically never truly happy with who I am. Admitting to myself (and a few others) that I am a woman, has lifted a lifetime of depression away from me and given me the means to be truly happy for the first time in my life. Much like my Christian rebirth, I experienced a physical/spiritual "woosh" whereas a lifetime of pain was lifted from me. The first time I felt my sin taken away from me. This time, the acknowledgment of who I really am. I have never been this happy in my entire life!
As a child I knew that I was different. I just never felt like I fit in. I grew up in the 60's and the 70's and ->-bleeped-<- was something no one knew about. I had no clue at the time what was "wrong" with me. All I knew was that I felt almost like an alien in my own world. So, as a male by birth I did the things that society expected me to do. I never dated much. I found that I related better with women than with men. I was not attracted to men and most of my girlfriends turned into really good friends. Most guys consider being told by a girl that they are a good friend and nothing else as the kiss of death. Not me, most of the time, I was happier about it.
I ended up going to college and I got married. During my first marriage (which lasted 21 years) I found myself in periods of deep thought and introspection. ->-bleeped-<- was still relatively unknown to me. I did start to shave everywhere under my waist and under my arms. I know that it is not uncommon for men to shave their bodies these days, but in the early 90's only women did it. I started to wear my wife's clothing (we were the same size) when she wasn't home. I felt very comfortable in her attire and became jealous of her. This went on for years. Eventually I admitted to wearing her clothes and had bought some of my own. On special nights we would swap roles and have a little fun. Then, one time she mentioned that she wanted to go to a Halloween party for her office on the spur of the moment. She wore one of my flight suits and I wore a lovely white blouse with a long tan skirt with a slit up the side. By this time I had bought some clothes for myself. We had a gawdawful wig, but that was my only option. I started my makeup and my wife did my eyes. When we went out, I felt so comfortable. At the party, I knew no one. But, something amazing happened. The women were drawn to me and before the night was over, I was talking to several girls as if we were all friends. Years went by and the gender dysphoria grew within me. Crossdressing made me feel "better," but I still had that feeling like I did not fit in. During my wife's first pregnancy, I was jealous and downright angry that it was not me who was pregnant. This feeling went down to my core! Circumstances allowed me to be the Mr. Mom for my daughter. When my wife became pregnant again, the anger and the jealousy came back. For several years I tried to put my feelings on hold as we raised our children. And, I should mention that, being in the military did not make my life any easier because I was in a male dominated field and there were not many women pilots. It was like my true feelings (which were still unknown to me at the time) were suppressed by society.
Everything came crashing down when I was passed over for promotion and forced to retire. And, my wife of 20 years left me and took our children. I spent the next year or so in deep depression. I received therapy and put on antidepressants. At times I just wanted to die. Long story short here. I spent the next several years in and out of the hospital. The divorce was ugly, but finally over. I ended up meeting a woman whom I fell in love with and we got married. She did a great deal to help me get over my past and I was able to open up to her and tell her things I could not tell anyone else. I admitted to and told her that I liked to dress. She thought this was okay and she actually bought me sexy outfits. On a few occasions, I would dress up for her and she would do my makeup. We ended up having trouble within our marriage and during a separation I took the time to look at my life. I found myself spending hours upon end reading about ->-bleeped-<-. The advent of the internet put a plethora of information at my fingertips. The more I learned, the more I read. I believed that I had found the cause of a lifetime of feeling different and out of place. But, admitting it to myself was tough for me to do because of 40+ years as living as a man and believing that was how I "should" live. I met a ftm transgender and he helped me get better in touch with my feelings. He was not pushy or trying to lead me to think a certain way. He facilitated or enabled me to think my own way through things. Well, I decide at that time that I was truly female. I researched what to do next and that is when I first found Susan's Place. But, still something did not feel right. It was like I was saying the words, but did not truly accept what I was saying. Anyway, my wife and I reconciled. I ended up talking to (believe it or not) a transgender mtf son of a friend of hers via facebook. She was extremely helpful and helped me to accept some of the things that I was feeling and described what she was doing in her transformation. She was in her 20's and absolutely gorgeous. I would look at her and say to myself that I wanted to be her. Well, despite being beautiful, she did not have tight lips. She told my wife about our correspondence and when my wife confronted me a huge argument broke out. I just came right out and told her that I wanted to be a woman. Deep down inside I hoped that she would support me. But, she did not. My son was exposed to this episode and my wife proceeded to tell my first wife and who knows who else. I stood behind what I said, but in a feeble effort to save our marriage I told her that, "I just want to dress more often." She wanted nothing to do with it. Over the next year or so we tried to patch things up and move on, but I constantly had to hear her say that she wanted to be with a man and that she could not handle me wanting to be a woman or dressing. I could not assure her that would happen and I finally decided on the inside that being myself was more important than our marriage. It was rough because we did love each other. We bought a house together and within a year she had moved out again.
During this time I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Anxiety Disorder after a lengthy assessment period. I was a textbook BPD. It answered many of the questions that I had about who and how my mind worked. In any case, I still had severe depression. The depression had been going on for about 7 years and was taking its toll on me. During my time alone I admitted to a friend (over the telephone) that I wanted to be a woman. We never talked again. I once again began my reading and research. I found an online therapist who would assess me and give me a letter to start HRT. But, still something did not feel right. I felt as if I was going about this the wrong way and behind closed doors. Not to mention, I had no way to pay for HRT and I did not have insurance. Well, time passed and it became clear that the marriage was over. I accepted being alone again. I did take small steps to get my life together. I got medicaid insurance. I started to see the VA for my medical care. My son was living with me full time. My daughter shouldered paying my bills since I was unemployed. I filed for, but was denied SS disability twice. But, despite all the hurdles I kept on moving forward. I learned to self sooth myself and became slightly in control of my BPD. But still, it was like I was just existing. I could smile, but I wasn't happy. I have become comfortable living in poverty, but my happiness hinged on something much much deeper.
I put up an add on pof (Plenty of Fish) as Jamie to find friends. I had at least decided to somewhat pursue to a small degree being a woman. My ad landed me looking at gay women. Needless to say, I did not get many responses. So, I just continued to live and checked pof here and there. I finally got in contact with a woman and we ended up trading email addresses and phone numbers. At first our correspondence was few and far between. One day she hit me up on facebook messenger and we started talking back and forth. The day was May 5, 2018. I gave her my "testimonial." She is in the VA system and invited me to a LBGT group meeting. I was totally unaware that the VA had any support for LGBT people. As I later learned, they actually have a large amount of support from therapy to medicine and pre and post op surgery support. Much like my rebirth as a Christian in 2009, something clicked inside my head and I felt a physical and emotional rush come over me. I am a woman! My name is not Jim, it is Jamie. I will never forget the moment. All of my depression felt like is was instantly washed away and for the first time in 55 years I was truly happy. I cried tears of pure joy. She was like the pastor who witnessed my Christian rebirth, but she witnessed my total rebirth. I mean it was an extremely profound moment. It was like going to Heaven and learning all of life's secrets. I had finally found myself. No more speculation. No more mystery. And, all of my questions from my childhood till now were instantly answered.
I immediately called the VA to join their Pride Group. I had to leave a message. I made an appointment with my local VA therapist. When I got the call back from the Pride Group coordinator, I introduced myself as James, but told her that I wish to be called Jamie. I gave her the Cliffs Notes version of my story and she was extremely kind and supportive. Just hearing her call me Jamie made me feel so warm inside. She scheduled me to join the group which meets next Tuesday. When she mentioned HRT, I simply told her, "Yes yes yes and double yes." She is going to meet with me after the group and schedule my HRT assessment.
For the past two days now I have had zero depression for the first time in my entire life. I smile all the time now and the smiles are genuine. I hate being called anything but Jamie. I messaged my first gf from high school on facebook and told her who I am. She was happy for me and supportive. She is going to call me later this morning. I have slept real well without teh aid of medication. I have energy and motivation again. I am like a new born child seeing the world for the first time. Some of the euphoria has worn off from the 5th of May, but the happiness remains. I met a woman via the facebook "who you might know" thing. I introduced myself as Jim (yuck!), but 15 minutes into the conversation on messenger, I told her who I really am. Naturally, I expected a cold shoulder and her blocking me. Low and behold, she accepts me and supports me. She called me her friend and we have already exchanged email addresses and phone numbers.
Now, I know that the road is not an easy one for most people. But, I love this site and it has taught me much about what could happen. I have a long way to go, but I look forward to the journey. In addition to transforming myself into Jamie full time, I have to tell my kids. My daughter is 21 and I honestly think that she will accept me. But, my son is only 16.5 and I am not sure. But, living in the culture of today's world, both of them are exposed to this sort of thing; not like when I was young.
Well, sorry to bore you guys to death. I look forward to hearing from some of you and I plan to detail my journey when it gets moving. Love you guys, Jamie.
