Okay so I've met this cis lesbian woman. She is totally into me but there is one tiny problem... she doesn't know that I'm trans, or that I'm pre-op.

Now, of course, I don't desire to have anything done to me below my belly button, but even with that being the case how well might she take it?

Obviously she's an individual person with her own thoughts and emotions and no one can truly predict what an individual will do in any given situation, but anyone here who has experience passing among lesbians or dating lesbians as trans women, how have you disclosed and how did it go? I have a feeling that lesbians will probably have more of a problem with my medical situation than straight men would... are my fears valid?

Help!

It really depends on the individual in question. The only way to approach this is honestly and openly, anything other than open communication is not going to end well. I've disclosed it upfront and if people are interested beyond that point then great, if not, no one gets hurt and that's that.

On a side note, I did get temporarily suspended a long while ago, while using the HER app so that was fun.
I wasn't misrepresenting myself, non-binary mtf.

99% of people don't want to date a transgender person. It's so much easier to  make your status known than hide it and pray you get a 1% er who didn't mind you not trusting them despite YOU being the one keeping secrets. 

The only way to know for sure is to just tell her and see what happens. Even if you try to feel her out on trans issues before you tell her, her views on random trans people she's never met may be completely different from her views on you.

Quote from: Devlyn on May 10, 2018, 12:10:09 PM
99% of people don't want to date a transgender person.

Holy cow!  You must be exhausted from the research associated with that statistic. 

My opinion is that a lesbian will want to know about being trans, and very likely about whether she is dating someone with a V or not.

QuoteHoly cow!  You must be exhausted from the research associated with that statistic. 

87% of all statistics are made up.   

Quote from: ainsley on May 10, 2018, 01:10:12 PM
Holy cow!  You must be exhausted from the research associated with that statistic. 

My opinion is that a lesbian will want to know about being trans, and very likely about whether she is dating someone with a V or not.

Quote from: AnneK on May 10, 2018, 01:27:33 PM
87% of all statistics are made up.   

Scoff if you must, but it IS hard work making up these statistics. 

Quote from: Devlyn on May 10, 2018, 01:51:06 PM
Scoff if you must, but it IS hard work making up these statistics. 

Thank you for your service.   

Yeah the 99% sounds extremely exaggerated. I'm passing so dating is not difficult for me at all... mostly. My hope is that if she knows me as a person more then perhaps she'll be ok with not having access to that part of my body.

I'm trying to figure out a way of wording it too because I honest to gosh feel that "trans" is such an ugly word and people hate hearing it...

"Genital deformity" is being considered...

I'm curious what everyone thinks the "Oh, you're a girl with a penis, I completely accept that" rate is? I'm guessing my 99% number isn't far off.

Quote from: Devlyn on May 10, 2018, 03:05:59 PM
I'm curious what everyone thinks the "Oh, you're a girl with a penis, I completely accept that" rate is? I'm guessing my 99% number isn't far off.

I think beyond ->-bleeped-<-s not too many. But hey there are a lot of people in the world so there are surely some out there.

So i looked up one source: 83-87% of people wouldn't consider dating a transgender person.

I am in two closed lesbian groups on FB (one has 35k members and the other has 45K members) and they both are inclusive of trans women.  Multiple times there have been posts about whether a cis female would be in a relationship with a trans female and I was surprised by the level of acceptance.  Granted, many of them said yes with the caveat of post-op for SRS (vaginoplasty).  But a lot were open to it without surgery.  I do not have numbers for you, Devlyn, so I expect you to expand your research to the FB platform and report back.

No, I deleted my Facebook account a month or two ago. Best thing I ever did.

Quote from: Devlyn on May 10, 2018, 03:20:00 PM
No, I deleted my Facebook account a month or two ago. Best thing I ever did.

Yes, I should, too.  I have mine so locked down and limited at this point, I may as well. lol

Quote from: krobinson103 on May 10, 2018, 03:11:52 PM
I think beyond ->-bleeped-<-s not too many. But hey there are a lot of people in the world so there are surely some out there.

When you give someone an unwanted label like ->-bleeped-<-, you're dehumanizing them, just like people do to us when they call us "->-bleeped-<-". It bothers me when our community uses the same tactics that are used against us.

We reserve the right to land wherever we want on the gender spectrum. Let's not judge others based on their attractions.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn on May 10, 2018, 03:26:24 PM
When you give someone an unwanted label like ->-bleeped-<-, you're dehumanizing them, just like people do to us when they call us "->-bleeped-<-". It bothers me when our community uses the same tactics that are used against us.

We reserve the right to land wherever we want on the gender spectrum. Let's not judge others based on their attractions.

Hugs, Devlyn

What I dislike about "->-bleeped-<-s" has been their blatant disregard for my feelings towards my own genitalia. I say "no don't touch me there" and they tell me "oh I accept you for who your are it's ok"...

No means no. They don't even have to be fetishists, they can just be queer cis men.

This is why I'm no longer dating any queer cis men.

Quote from: nightingale95 on May 10, 2018, 03:02:16 PM
I'm trying to figure out a way of wording it too because I honest to gosh feel that "trans" is such an ugly word and people hate hearing it...

"Genital deformity" is being considered...

I'm not sure that I'd agree that "genital deformity" is an improvement over "trans"... 

However, the main thing I would worry about with that plan is being seen as deceptive. I'm not sure most cis people are going to hear "genital deformity" and associate that with "my vagina is actually a penis".

Quote from: nightingale95 on May 10, 2018, 12:02:09 PM
Okay so I've met this cis lesbian woman. She is totally into me but there is one tiny problem... she doesn't know that I'm trans, or that I'm pre-op.

Now, of course, I don't desire to have anything done to me below my belly button, but even with that being the case how well might she take it?

Obviously she's an individual person with her own thoughts and emotions and no one can truly predict what an individual will do in any given situation, but anyone here who has experience passing among lesbians or dating lesbians as trans women, how have you disclosed and how did it go? I have a feeling that lesbians will probably have more of a problem with my medical situation than straight men would... are my fears valid?

Help!

I don't have any experience dating cis lesbians, but from the various posts I have read on this site, a lot of trans lesbians have a difficult time trying to date them, especially if they are pre op, but as you stated, the person you are interested in is "an individual person, with her own thoughts and emotions.", so she may accept you as you are, and if she doesn't, then there surely will be someone who will, just keep trying. Anyway, let your love interest know you are trans and pre op, and see how it goes. Best wishes 😊

Ok but pre-op issues aside, I'm also passing. Full stealth mode. Dating lesbians as a non-passing trans woman is a far different experience. Are there any passing trans lesbiams that can offer advice?