I am ftm, and while I always had strong attractions on a spiritual and emotional level to men, prior to transition, I wanted to be with women sexually, to feel more "myself". I JUST had chest surgery, and am in year two plus of my transition now. My attraction to women started to sharply fall off about month 3 on T, and is really gone now. I can see women as beautiful, I can appreciate their curves, their softness, their inner and outer beauty, but I don't seem to want to "do" anything with them sexually. About month 11 on T, I was intimate with a good female friend, and, sadly, I just wasn't drawn into it very much. I enjoyed helping her experience things in her body, but it wasn't like being really into it. And with another friend, I tried, we had been lovers before, and I just couldn't do anything with her. I decided it just isn't really respectful to keep going that way, so plan at this point to let go that way.
I am now very very much into men, and have an open relationship with my boyfriend, who is also ftm. I feel like having the chest surgery will help me more, once I recover, to feel more comfortable sexually, as I was very large chested before, and that sometimes affected how I felt being sexual. It's only been a few weeks, and am still dealing with recovery related issues and some complications, so am anxiously awaiting feeling less protective of my chest, and more free with it, finally, I hope.
It was very unnerving when it felt like the testosterone was actually changing my sexual preference, however, the T always felt like it was what my body has wanted all along. Now I finally feel balanced, and like myself.
I do occassionally wonder if there could be a woman I could connect with, physically.......there is honestly one transwoman I know that I do find very attractive, but I have NO idea what would happen, and if she would even consider me, and right now, am way too afraid to bring up the topic, as I don't feel able to handle the potential rejection, or upsetting her. She is so very attractive. She is a strong woman, inside, and I find that appealing. But I don't know if we actually were intimate if that would work, in terms of it didn't work with the last two women I tried it with. She hasn't dated anyone since starting transition, and since I have a primary partner, I just don't know, either, if it is the right thing to do with her. But if I wasn't scared, I would bring up the topic with her for explorations. I can't tell if we really would have chemistry, or if I just have deep feelings for her, and appreciation for her beauty and soul.
There is also a non trans man I have known for years that keeps seeming really attracted to me (he has told me he is bisexual). We are friends, and we are slowly creeping to a place where I can see discussing it.
I LOVE the intensity, the physicality right now, of being with a man, and the dynamic of being with a man. And, since my genitalia have grown, I feel very differently about that part on everyone, too.
It's fascinating to me -- sometimes I feel like I was just waiting to get the proper hormones in my system, to finally start living. Does that make sense? I was all expecting I would end up looking / acting heterosexual, in a simple, plain way, and that isn't what happened. I am still processing it (as is my boyfriend, who had expected the same for himself, and then there were absolute fireworks for us together, and we are deeply in love, and highly compatible on so many levels).
Joseph
