hello everyone. I am sorry I took a break from SP. I thought I could manage all of my feelings about accepting being transgender but as most of you know that is impossible. I am still not out to anyone other than myself. I feel the cost losing everyone is unbearable. I have been married for almost 30 years to my high school sweatheart with 2 grown boys. My wifes family is amazing. They are very good people. They have always treated me as if I was one of their own. I do everything I can for everyone of them and love them all very deeply.   As I discover more about myself the more I like my female self but very unsure if I was to tell them they would understand. after all this is Kentucky. I did confide in my sister-in-law but she laughed at me and thought I was joking. it crushed me being laughed at but I would never let anyone know that. I am seeing a therapist and opening up to her but I don't know if I should just take my chances and tell my wife or not. if she would not be accepting it would surely send me over the edge. I already struggle with anxiety and depression but have hid it well. I feel it will crush everyone. most people I have tested the water with assume being trans is also being gay. I only have one love and that is all I want. How can I assure her if I did come out that is not the case. thanks for any help Krista. By the way . you all are amazing.

Hi, Krista.

I think all of us who transition later in life, with a spouse, encounter this situation at some point.  Not everyone needs to transition.  You will have to chart a course, with the help of your therapist, that will work for you.

Can you live with keeping your trans-ness secret from everyone forever?  For me, the answer was clearly no, and that is what drove me to come out to my wife, whatever the consequences.  I looked ahead to see what my life would be like if I continued on the road I was on, and frankly, it scared the crap out of me.  I saw in my future only misery, depression, and a very bad end.  I knew that I had to change the direction of my life in order to survive.  If that describes you, then you have to come out.  If your future looks to be unfolding differently, then you have other options.

People might reject you; it happens.  You might find that it is fewer than you think.  When I came out in my community, I was prepared for some redneck opposition.  I found none at all.  Similarly, on Facebook, I was expecting to lose some "friends".  In fact, I lost none, and the number of my "friends" doubled.

You will find yourself in the position of unwilling educator.  Make the most of it.  You won't be able to reach everyone, but you can often correct misunderstandings before they evolve into hatred.  Most hatred starts as ignorance, like the belief that trans = gay. 

Early on, my wife asked, "Does this mean you are gay?"  I said, "No, it means I am lesbian."  That helped reassure her I wasn't going anywhere.  And one of the first things I said to her in our coming-out conversation was, "I have no plans to leave you."

If you decide to come out to your wife, the ball is then in her court.  If she sticks with you, you will have the best ally in the world.  If she doesn't, well, you won't be able to stop her.  Scary AF, I know, to think about those possibilities, but that's why you need to visualise what the future would be if you didn't come out, like I said above.

Whatever you decide to do, you will have support here.  Good luck in planning your future.

I totally agree with Kathy. For me, as time went on, each cycle of dysphoria got worse and worse. I genuinely feared where this continuous spiraling of anxiety and depression would take me. Would your wife prefer a happier you - somebody coming to terms with who they are and accepting themselves? Would this be worth the price of admission for her? I would definitely do as Kathy suggested early on. Straight-out reassure her that she is the only one for you...and part of being the best partner you can be for her is being the best YOU you can be. Best wishes!


xoxoxo
Alyssa

As your seeing a therapist, the best approach would be to continue until you and your therapist agree that your ready to face your wife. Your still early in the thought process and after you kick the idea around a bit longer, you should be better able to discuss the issue as well as face the consequences. I know that you want to put this behind you as soon a possible but you will likely have a better outcome when your fully prepared to face this.