Well the last two weeks have been a whirlwind. I've been hanging out with my friend, also named Amber, a lot. I used to work with her and I thought she was really cool, but aside from hanging out on lunch it's not like we were closer. A few weeks ago I ran into her and we made plans. I'm glad I did she is so much more awesome than I initially thought. Her family is pretty awesome too. They really all seen to enjoy my wife and I coming over, we even brought the kids one day, I previously mentioned this.
Like everything else that situation is more complicated than it likely should be. Amber had been giving of some very mixed signals towards me and my wife. This sparked a necessary discussion about our relationship. It seems we are now in a very limited sort of open marriage. This is honestly a good thing. It prevents me from screwing things up. I guess I need to stop befriending young bisexual girls, because this crap seems to pop up far too often now days. In an ironic way I find it hilarious because I was never this successful with ladies when I was a guy and these days I'm not even trying [emoji23].
Amber and her family find it really fascinating how open I am about my transition. I really don't have any issues talking about it or answering questions. I never really did, as long as it's genuine curiosity rather than intended to be a dick. Fwiw she just has such a hard time even imagining me as a guy or anything other than a woman. I admit I can understand how much of a mind eff it must be. She agrees with me that life played a very cruel trick on my for the first 35 years of my life. Hanging out with me has apparently sparked her curiosity about trans people a lot. She has been watching a lot of trans YouTube vloggers to learn more. I watched a few with her and was generally unimpressed. A lot of them are very pretty, but just seen so vapid. I joked that I should be one because I'm as pretty as most of them and can act like an air head of I want to. She thought that was a great idea. I was only joking, but it's not a terrible idea. I think the world could use a more intellectual version of some of those videos. Too bad I don't have the equipment or time.
Today has been miserable at work. I found it my coworker is not going to be making even more than me, I complained about this before. We are implementing a new system in our department and it's terrible. I need to get a real big girl job but seem so incapable of it. I truly lack the self confidence and gumption. I have considered moonlighting as a server to bring in much needed extra cash, but I don't want to do for service again. Every time I say "never again" life likes to remind me who is in charge and make me feel like crap about myself. Today I've been on the verge of tears like 6 times from stress. Finding out about my coworker was just icing on the cake. A lot of times I honestly wish I was an idiot and not talented. I effing hate having to answer questions about why I work in a >-bleeped-< job when I'm so smart. The world really needs to come to grips with the fact that smart does not equal successful.
I had my second session of genital electrolysis a few days ago. It seems like she was able to get a lot more hairs this time because the swelling and scanning was significantly more. I had a session for my face scheduled but I had to cancel it because I just flat out didn't have the cash to cover it. I know I can get by without just shaving, best benefit of being blonde, but it feels like I'm just never going to be able to get it done. Like everything else it just feels like I'm being stymied in my efforts. I can't stand feeling like I'm banging my head against a wall. I've been stomped on my continued efforts towards weight loss. If I didn't have a medical reason I honestly would be okay with my weight. I do think I look pretty good and it's still redistribution into a very favorable shape, but I NEED to lose these last 20 pounds. It's not about how I look or feel this time.
I want to say a big heartfelt thank you to all my lurkers who popped in to remind me that my experiences matter. For quite a while I just felt like my stories and trails are just unimportant to others since they usually aren't transition related directly. I truly appreciate that so many of you bother to keep up with my doings. I just wish the rest of my life could be as successful as my transition has been. Honestly I've put forth so little effort towards becoming me, it all really seems like luck, that it is frustrating that things like career and stability and the like are so elusive for me. Life seems to keep promising me some measure of success in these areas only to instead give me a swift kick to the groin when my guard is down. I'm not going to lie about it. That aspect of my life just cuts me to the core.