Hello,
I've been reading lots of people's diary/journey posts and I though it would be good for me to do the same.

So here we go then - I'm Vicki, I'm 48 and live in the UK near London. I've always been transgender, my earliest memory is thinking I was a girl and wearing my sisters clothes. I've 2 gorgeous children and am so proud of them. I'm married (26 years) my wife has known for around 25 of them. She doesn't particularly like this part of me but tolerates it.

I've always had bad dysphoria - it comes and goes but the last four have been awful - I almost took my life about 18 months ago but I'm in a better place now.

I decided I wanted to explore transitioning in November, I want to take it slowly and explore each stage and see if i can feel ll happy there before doing more and going further if that makes sense?
So I'm growing my hair ( looks awful ) having my face lasered which is working well but there's lots of white too which will need electrolysis, going to therapy which is really useful and visiting a voice coach which is fab, I love it - basically I'm doing all the foundation things that will  help if I decide to go further. I don't know how my wife will handle it all, she says she wants me to be happy but she's struggling, we'll have to see. I don't want to lose her as a friend.

I'm dressing in androgynous girls clothes at the mo which helps a lot. I've been out clubbing a lot over the years but never in true public, that feels so scary at the minute. I actually  went to the garage for a chocolate bar last night fully Vicki'd up in skinny jeans make up and wig for the first time last night and it was nerve wracking but I did it and it was fine. The chap at the counter probably clocked me but who cares I need to get used to it I guess.

I'm off to Gendercare for a private appointment at the end of March and have already seen my GP and been referred to the Charing Cross clinic as well - 2 year wait though!
I'm hoping to got on HRT from Gendercare, the GP has already agreed to take over the prescription which is good news.

Finally I'm out to most of my friends, family, my son knows but not my daughter - I need to tell her when the time is right and I think that will help my wife as well. I've also taken over the Trans Working Group at work - big oil company - and am educating all the leadership team, running awareness training,  changing the HR policies, trying to get to sponsor Sparkle and generally raising awareness and their views - all of that is helping my self esteem as well

Anyway that's the "where I am at the minute" I'll post some more as I go. Xx

Welcome from a Blackpool girl

Well just run through the Head of Global Shipping (he looks after BPs whole fleet of oil and gas tankers)  through my training and video - he loved it and wants to arrange a session for all his staff - about 8000 people worldwide - really pleased and proud of myself.

Feel really dysphoric today as well but I've trained about 10 senior managers so far this month and they all have been unbelievably supportive, really on my (our) side. Maybe there is hope. I should try and see if I can get some other peoples voices from here on the training too.

Right! Now for another session of therapy! Laser actually seems to be working well as well - three sessions so far

Today is a good day!

Hi Vicki,

  I'm Laurie on the other side of the pond and all the way across the dirt too. I'm in the northwest of the USA. Welcome to the party. It sounds to me like you are really advocating for us and taking on the big job of educating those in your company about us too. That my dear is commendable of you. Good Job! Tally Ho and all that rot! lol. Really, you are doing a lot and  that's great. Keep up the good work.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Hiya Laurie,

lovely to hear from you and thank you for the kind words. I aim to make a lot of noise both within BP and other companies and its doing my self esteem the world of good - even though it's completely nerve wracking.

On a personal level I've a long way to go (including hopefully telling my daughter soon) so it feels a little like walking a tightrope over lava at the minute and no idea where the other end is attached! I guess the best thing to do in that situation is just keep putting one foot in front of the other...

The therapy I'm having is really helping too - quite tough as I reassess what I want to make me happy and past things that have happened in relationships etc - hopefully I'll be a stronger, more confident and happier person somewhere down the line. I hope so.

Toodle Pip m'dear xx

Well its been a long couple of weeks - slowly coming out at work is going well but really exhausting - I seem to be having the same conversation a hundred times a day. The trans working group I'm running is going well and I've trained 21 senior managers, have some staff town halls to speak at and loads of other stuff - on top of my two day jobs so I feel like a need to catch my breath a bit.

I was really stressed yesterday about my visit to the GIC at the end of march - what do I wear, what do I say, will they think I'm a fraud - my head was spinning. I feel a bit better today but I think I just need to calm down - its ages away yet I suppose.

My hair's actually grown a fair bit which is nice and the laser on my face is really working now - I've another session next week so hopefully it will just get even better. Then electrolysis I guess. That sounds a whole lot of fun! :|

Can't wait until I can post a photo up

yay! photo uploaded 

Hello again Vicki, I first welcomed you on your Introduction as we both are from UK (I am from NW England) and joined Susans at the same time and am also in Therapy and now also HRT and seek Electrolysis.

From this thread I see that you are really helping our cause by campaigning and educating and outreaching.

I wish you the best both on your journey to discovering your true self and also on campaigning. The more companies institutions and the populace in general that understand us, the better for us and for them and for society as a whole.

Pamela

Thanks Pamela! It's getting better all the time, there's loads of companies I'm talking to and organisations in the UK that are getting on board now and I aim to give them a big kick to help

I wish I could do the same with my GP - three weeks I've been trying to arrange a blood test so annoying!

Well after a really stressful should I or shouldn't I couple of weeks I finally came out to everyone at work. I've been running a few events and training a few people but no one else knew.
Every one has been great, really positive (well I have had a few people say nothing  at all but that's fine with me - if they don't like it tough)
So I'm still taking it slowly, I'm not going full time yet but at least the way is paved now to do whatever I like, and loads of people are coming along to my awareness session now - like about 100!
So after all the stress I feel a lot more settled today, a little numb rather than euphoric but I'll take that as a good result

I am so glad you had a positive result coming out to work colleagues, Vicki.

Please don't assume the silent ones are "anti" due to silence; it could very well be some could be either embarrassed or just mulling it over and if so, could very well come round to being supportive within a few weeks. If some don't, it is their loss and their silly ignorance.

Live your life for you.

Pamela

Thanks Pamela that's a really good point, it's so difficult trying to stop what people think about me and I really need to, I wish I knew how.

So I ran my trading course to thirty of my team today, it went really well but was so stressful. I kind of feel a bit overwhelmed by it all at the minute so I think I need to take a breath and just settle again. It really is a long and winding road isn't it

So it's been a while so here's my latest update.

So at the end of March I went to Gendercare in London and saw Dr Lenihan, really lovely lady. Quite a long appointment and have been referred for HRT - appt on May 17th, bit and a long wait but they're really busy.

Best part was I made it a time to really test myself so I  booked a hotel for two days around the appt and spent the time around London, went shopping, went on the train, took taxis, went to a wine bar and even the Flare festival on the south bank. Absolutely no trouble at all, I don't think I even got clocked at all, or if I did no one cared. Really great for my confidence.

Other big news is that I've started electrolysis, laser is going well so I've started electrolysis for the white left over, I reckon a couple more lasers and I'll just go to electrolysis after that. It wasn't too painful, well it was about as painful as sticking a hot needle  in your face 500 times sounds but it was tolerable. My face is a bit swollen atm and I look like a hamster which is a bit crap but I just need to get through it and the next 100 or so hours. I think hair removal is the toughest part of transitioning, so far at least.

Well that's it for the mo, I'm going back to moping about my face 😒 Hopefully it will be better tomorrow

welcome

Hi Vicki, and welcome to the journey!   

It looks like you're making food progress with people at work.  Having people backing you is invaluable to say the least!  When I transitioned oh so long ago (late 90s & early oughts), my boss told me that he didn't understand why I was doing what I was doing (though he told me that him and my coworkers in QA noticed that something was going on with me [they thought I was possibly suffering from some terminal disease!!  ]), but that he would stand behind me, and he meant it - I found out a year plus later from one of my coworkers (after I'd went full time), that he kept certain people higher up the corporate food chain, from having me fired on the spot (they thought at the time [1999], that me transitioning while working for the company cast a negative light on the company).  My boss also allowed me to flex-time my schedule to deal with things related to my transition (you can't always schedule appointments for after work).  My coworkers in QA also supported me - my female coworkers were especially invaluable to me, since they served as my support network.

Oh yeah, wearing androgynous clothes at work, when you start your transition, is a great idea.  Long before I went full time (in late 2000, when I had my legal name change), I was wearing girls jeans and tees to work (being a Quality Engineer, I have to spend a fair amount of time out on the production floor - so I don't wear office-type clothing).  It wasn't until early or mid 2000 (when most people at the facility [which employed several hundred people] I worked at, found out about me), when most people realized that the cut of my clothes, was not masculine, but feminine.  So it was a win-win for me.  I was able to quit wearing the male clothes I hated so much, while at the same time, avoiding dealing with a lot of awkward questions about my transition (until I was more comfortable about discussing it with others), that wearing more feminine clothes would have engendered.

Hi Ellen,

that's brilliant advice - thank you!!

I'm going to kind of drift in to looking more girly at work I think.

So second and hopefully final appointment with GenderCare this thursday then hopefully hormones. Doing it all by myself again (as usual) no support from home at all which is making me feel pretty down today.

I'm waiting until the kids finish their summer exams before telling them (son is 21 and knows I'm trans but not that I'm starting to transition; daughter is 17 and knows "i'm weird" but no further than that)

Anyway, better decide what to wear!

How did I miss this, Hi from a UK girl. Still waiting for my first visit (its been 16 months so far) so good luck

Hi Davina,

I've been reading your posts over the last few weeks - you're amazing xx

Well I went, drove down and saw Mary Burke and Mr Inglefield who were both lovely - Mary especially, just down to earth, really funny, just fabulous.

So I now have in my little grubby palm a prescription for estrogen patches, I'm going to go down the pharmacy later today then, well I guess it's another step on the road.

Kind of nervous, "am I doing the right thing" this morning but I feel so much better and happier when I'm me and so bloody "bleurgh" when I have to be "him" so I guess I'm heading in the right direction. I can always stop if I'm not I suppose - what's the worst that'll happen.... or more precisely it can't be worse that the worst I've felt in the past by not being me so....

I still need to tell so many people its quite daunting, daughter first (I think she'll be ok) then mum (she knows I'm trans but thinks it was a phase  ) then sister (don't get on with her so that's easy) then neighbours and god knows who else - do you ever stop coming out to people??

My hair's getting longer but it's so sloooow I think I'll feel better about me when its longer and electrolysis is really making a difference.

onwards and upwards

Time for one of those timeline thingies then I guess - I have arrived