Hi everyone! So much has been happening lately! I've been posting updates but they've been in various threads throughout the board so from here on out I will be posting everything in one place
I figured that now is a good time to start a thread like this because I came out on facebook 2 weeks ago today and in 2 more days it will have been 10 months since I started HRT!
I'm going to break things down into sections to hopefully make this easier to read. It's going to be a long one, so please, if you quote this post, please go through and delete some of the text that's not related to your response, that will make things easier for everyone to read
Confidence: My confidence has been up a lot since coming out! It does still get the best of me at times though. I used to be so nervous about going out in public, but now I just do it even if I feel like my outfit sucks or my makeup isn't good. I do feel nervous around guys, especially muscular ones, but I just look the other direction and not make eye contact. I know this isn't ideal but there's been a couple times where I've noticed some guys staring at me and looking kinda angry. I know HRT has made some girls more attracted to guys, but so far it's been the opposite for me. I used to need friends to be with me if I went out dressed up, but I've been doing a lot of stuff alone as Maddie lately and it's great progress! I'd go shopping alone and go into the dressing rooms and so far no issues! I've been around senior citizens and even a girl trying on a prom dress with her mom there and no one has made a fuss about my presence so far. I've used the women's bathroom a couple times but so far I've been alone when I was in there. I've gone out to eat a few times, sometimes with friends and sometimes alone and so far everyone at the restaurants has been professional and polite to me, same with going grocery shopping and clothing shopping. I've had a couple issues though...
Social: So some of my friends have been doing great with the name so far, and a lot have been doing good with the pronouns, but there's been a lot of slip ups, a few of which I didn't say anything about but I think I'm going to have to. Last Thursday I went out with some friends for a coming out celebration and one of them kept gendering me as male, even when she would call me by my female name. There's another friend who upset me a little the other night too. First she complimented me on my outfit, then she asked if I picked it out myself... um, yeah, I can dress myself... Then a couple hours later she called me by my male name. I've gone to a few events since coming out. One was my friend's bridal shower. A lot of people there were super nice and friendly and would invite me to sit with them when I was off sitting alone, but there's a couple women there who I've known since I was 14 and neither one of them said a word to me the whole time. I even tried looking at one of them and smiling when I walked by but she wouldn't even look at me. Later that night I went to a punk show and saw people that I've known for years and everyone was nice to me. Last weekend was rough though. I had a nice meal at a restaurant for my friend's birthday, but then we went out to a bar for drinks after and I had a bad time and left early. I had 2 beers and a margarita, I caught a very minor buzz but I didn't get intoxicated, I knew 3 was going to be my limit for the night and it was a good stopping point. When I was at the bar though to get my last beer I noticed that there was a very drunk guy next to me starting at me. I didn't look over at him but that didn't stop him from talking to me. He was being very friendly, and not in a sexual way, his girlfriend was there, but he was very annoying and even though I was wearing makeup and carrying a purse he still saw me as a male. He asked for my name and I said Maddie but I guess he thought I was Matty, so from now on I think I will be introducing myself as Madeline. He also kept calling me bro. Ew. Shortly after that someone bought shots for everyone at the bar. I of course didn't drink mine, but I did get upset when the bartender was handing them out. I was standing next to a female friend of mine and he brought us our shots and he said "here you go ladies...", paused for a second, and then added "...and gentlemen". These few things hurt me, I left the house that night thinking that I looked good, I thought my outfit was cute and I thought I did a good enough job with my makeup. I was feeling good when I left, where as the day before I had issues because I thought I looked like a boy in makeup when I left the house.
Clothing:I'm not having an easy time finding cute clothes. I have a few cute summery things but the weather's been all over the place lately and it's hard for me to wear stuff that's too revealing because my tan lines are so gross right now, I have a trucker tan that I've been trying to get rid of but it won't go away! I have this issue with jeans where I try on some 14s and they fit my legs great but my stomach hangs over the top a little, so I'd go up to a 16 and it fits around my stomach but then the legs are baggy, ugh! A lot of my wardrobe right now is very basic, I only have one pair of jeans and then a few v neck tees that I can wear. I do have leggings but I don't like to wear them at this time of year, and it's not exactly skirt weather here yet. I do have some cute skirts but I don't really have any tops that go with them. I've gone to most stores in my area... Penneys, TJ Maxx, Walmart, Target, Old Navy, Kohl's, Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, NY and Company, Bonton, and a few other stores in the mall that I forget, and I've looked online too at places like Modcloth and Lulu's, but I keep striking out! and I haven't really had much luck with shoes either! It's hard to find stuff in a 13W!
Grooming/makeup:It was a lot easier before going full time! I have sensitive skin, so it hurts to shave my face every day, especially when the water at my new apartment doesn't get super hot, I can't get as close of a shave. I have electrolysis today so I didn't shave yesterday and I feel bad enough that I'm spending the day dressed as a male. Yesterday I did go out jogging as a female, it's hard to see my beard from far away, but the facial hair makes makes me feel bad. I've been getting better at eye makeup, I still can't do anything super fancy but I've gotten better at mascara for sure, but I still have to work on eyeliner, I just haven't been wearing that lately. I need to work on my foundation too, I have to focus on "less is more", when I wear a lot of concealer I think it actually makes my pores look bigger, and there's a few spots where it sweats off really easily, the worst being right under my nose. Another thing is my hair. Before when I'd dress as a girl I'd make it all curly and cute like in my profile pic, but for an every day casual look it's too time consuming. It doesn't look too flattering when I brush it out and wear it down, but then when I put it in a pony tail I feel like a boy, even when wearing makeup. I think if my hair wasn't thinning on top I'd be able to pull it off better, idk.
Family:I've been getting closer with my older sister lately, which I really love, she's starting to confide things in me that she wouldn't have before. My mom is having a harder time, even though we've never been super close. She hasn't told anyone about my transition yet, so my younger sister doesn't know and my aunt and uncle on my mom's side don't know. My younger sister and I don't get along, but I have a feeling that she's going to hear about my transition through the grapevine if my mom doesn't say anything, we do have a few mutual acquaintances. As for my dad, he's at least apologizing when he calls me by my male name, unlike my mom. She doesn't say sorry, she just says it's gunna be hard to call me maddie. My dad is taking this a lot better than I thought, but I don't think he's told anyone yet. He has 2 brothers in town, one of which knows but I don't think the other one knows yet. The one that does know is because I'm friends with 2 of my cousins on facebook. He supports me though, and both his current and ex wives have sent me really sweet texts in support of me.
Apartment:yay! Everything is pretty much done! I need more stuff to hang on the walls, but everything is set up and unpacked! I finally got to vacuum the other day! I really feel at home now, I love living here! There's a couple things I'd change about it, but overall I'm pretty happy
Work:I've been slacking on the job hunt. I haven't worked in 2 and a half weeks now but I'm on unemployment so I'm covered financially for now. I do have a few odd jobs coming up, my friend's parents are having me paint their deck and my dad has some weekend work for me too, so that will help with my income. If I don't find a new job soon then I guess I can finish out the summer working construction. This will at least get me health insurance for next year and hopefully help me build my savings back up a little. My dad said he is still willing to work with me, but I won't be "out" while at work, and I know I already have an offer for a summer construction job with one company, so I might just suck it up a little while longer.
HRT:Ok, so it's been 10 months now since I've started and honestly I don't think I'm where I want to be. at my last doctor visit my estrogen was around 63. He started me at a low dose and would add another pill to my prescription each time, but I'm at the point now where I don't think he wants to risk giving me any more... it seems like each time he adds it my estrogen goes up by 20, so my next visit in August I'm guessing I'll be somewhere in the low 80s. The goal is 100 to 200 though... Usually I feel a hormone surge a week or two after my dose gets increased, and I felt that about 3 weeks ago but I think it's passed. I was very emotional but I'm not anymore. I think my skin could still get softer and my body hair could still be thinner, and mentally I don't feel very feminine a lot of the time. I don't feel masculine though, I just kinda feel like nothing, it's weird. I don't know where to go from here, at my next visit should I ask my doctor about switching to injections? or maybe add progesterone? My testosterone has been below 20 for my last 2 visits, so that's low, which is great, but I want my estrogen levels to be higher!
I think that's all for now. I do wanna mention something though... today I got my first piece of mail that was addressed to Maddie. When I came out this girl I know from California asked me for my address because she wanted to send me something. It came today and I love it!
