Hey all,
So let me start by first saying that in my mind there is absolutely no doubt about who i truly am. I've fully accepted it and I'm fully happy with it. However there is one thing that worry's me, and maybe it's just me overthinking but for me its a very serious issue.
So for the next 12 months (July 18 to July 19) I'll be in another country with my dad and stepmom and family. I did decide that once I come back I want to be fully out and open about being me. However, as time is passing my mind has been thinking about how things are going to be once I go back ton university to do my masters. I'm worried that my voice won't be feminine, that my makeup won't be able to look right, my hair will look daft when I try and style it etc. And then because I'm worried I won't pass I'm them worried I won't get accepted onto a PhD scholarship so that I can carry on my career path and eventually become an academic. And what doesn't help with this fear is that km terrified I'll transition and still look no where near who I am so all the heartbreaks and taunting could be for nothing.
The other second avenue I'm focusing on at the same time is that of a writer. Im an extremely creative person and have started writing my own book (halfway through it). However I'm worried that once I go to get it published people won't want to read it if they know it by a trans woman. Alternatively how would the publishers react?
I know I may be massively overreacting but I'm really scared about thinking my career in academia and writing will lead to nowhere if I transition
Any advice would be great appreciated
Much love xox

I'm a special needs Teacher and the support I have is great. I say be the person to break the mold and have your cake and eat it too.

Quote from: krobinson103 on May 16, 2018, 10:08:55 AM
I'm a special needs Teacher and the support I have is great. I say be the person to break the mold and have your cake and eat it too.

I just became a nurse and .. while I didn't transition on the job (Everything was changed before all that), it still helped finance some of the fixes I needed to do.  BTW nursing doesn't pay near as much as the hype they make it out to be.. it especially depends on where you work at. 

Thank you for the replies
Yeah I really do want to be out and at times I dontbsee why the thoughts of others should bring me down, but I've been through so much to get where I am (including surviving an extremely abusive stepfather) so I guess the part that tries to hide is the part that truly scared.

Quote from: gwencook on May 16, 2018, 08:53:07 AMI'm worried that my voice won't be feminine, that my makeup won't be able to look right, my hair will look daft when I try and style it etc. And then because I'm worried I won't pass I'm them worried I won't get accepted onto a PhD scholarship

Two questions.  Are you transitioning to look like a preconceived idea, or are you transitioning to become yourself?  Is passing a prerequisite for a PhD?  Academia is about what you know, not about how you look.

Quote
I'm worried that once I go to get it published people won't want to read it if they know it by a trans woman. Alternatively how would the publishers react?

Do you need to tell them?  Unless it is an autobiography of your transition, they don't need to know.

Thanks for the replies
Yes I would fully agree if it was just a job. But for me psychology was and is a hobby as well as s career path. The idea of bring able to go into work and create and carry out experiments and write reports or give lectures just produces so much  enjoyment.  The idea of bring able to contribute towards helping and increasing knowledge and understandings is a massive pursuit of mine.
In regards to the two questions:
1) Isn't that the sane thing? In my head I look a lot like my sister, as we were both always told we look so much a like if I were to grow my hair out. Isn't the preconceived idea already myself?
2) I agree it should be about what you know. However, we all know that biases can occur and given that society can at times be extremely cruel to the lgbt community should I not be expecting more biases to occur?
And with the writing side I guess not, especially if I were to publish it online

I transitioned as an academic and have had no issues. While this may vary in your location, in Australia where I am we have strict rules on discrimination and students in particular are well covered. If there was any report of such nonsense at the Universities I taught at it would be dealt with.

Academia tends to be accepting of personal issues.

Regarding writing, self publication seems to be doing quite well these days.

Quote from: gwencook on May 16, 2018, 12:13:04 PM
1) Isn't that the sane thing?

I don't think so.  Whether or not you pass is all about how others see you.  Granted, that's not something to be ignored.  But becoming yourself is about how you feel, not about how others see you. 

I wear skirts because I feel good wearing them, not because they will fool the public.  I like the changes that HRT has made to my body and my face because I feel good when I look in the mirror, not because they make me look like a fashion model.  (They don't, believe me!) 

I like being gendered female when I meet people.  But I don't care a bit if they find me pretty or ugly.  I don't care if they can tell I'm trans or if they assume I'm cis.  Not my business.  I care that they gender me female, because that is important to who I am.

Perhaps looking a particular way and passing is important to who you are in a similar way.  If so, you should go for it, regardless of what I or anyone else says.

But I get the impression from your posts that imposing that strict standard on yourself is causing you some pain and suffering.  Certainly some stress about your future around whether you can meet that goal and what it means to your career prospects.  So it seems to me (and it is only my opinion) that you might be happier with looser goals about how the public sees you, concentrating more on how you feel about who you are.

Quote from: gwencook on May 16, 2018, 08:53:07 AM
Hey all,
So let me start by first saying that in my mind there is absolutely no doubt about who i truly am. I've fully accepted it and I'm fully happy with it. However there is one thing that worry's me, and maybe it's just me overthinking but for me its a very serious issue.
So for the next 12 months (July 18 to July 19) I'll be in another country with my dad and stepmom and family. I did decide that once I come back I want to be fully out and open about being me. However, as time is passing my mind has been thinking about how things are going to be once I go back ton university to do my masters. I'm worried that my voice won't be feminine, that my makeup won't be able to look right, my hair will look daft when I try and style it etc. And then because I'm worried I won't pass I'm them worried I won't get accepted onto a PhD scholarship so that I can carry on my career path and eventually become an academic. And what doesn't help with this fear is that km terrified I'll transition and still look no where near who I am so all the heartbreaks and taunting could be for nothing.
The other second avenue I'm focusing on at the same time is that of a writer. Im an extremely creative person and have started writing my own book (halfway through it). However I'm worried that once I go to get it published people won't want to read it if they know it by a trans woman. Alternatively how would the publishers react?
I know I may be massively overreacting but I'm really scared about thinking my career in academia and writing will lead to nowhere if I transition
Any advice would be great appreciated
Much love xox

My definition of the true academic is one of fully embracing controversy and debate. I firmly hold the values of Enlightenment up to every person I meet. Many academics have little patience for contradiction, some will actively belittle you to gain the upper hand simply by pointing to their title. Furthermore, You know from the nature of gender the general concept of the fallacy of abstraction; that every topic is deeply multi-facetted and hardly as simple as two mere poles. In my eyes, that makes You a true academic living up to what academia and the academic ideal are supposed to be. And despite all the conformists and positivists and "I am a professor you have no right to tell me what is right" folk out there, resistance is so commonplace. Yes, it might get a tad more difficult if you want to become an academic a a very conservative area, but there are many universities that would fight over having competent critics and rational and critical thinkers on their campus. Anyway, that is my experience. Academia is no place for conformity and people unopen to ideas that aren't theirs.

Sorry for the late reply, i be been so busy with work.
After what you all said I've been thinking and I've been thinking that coming out would be the best thing for me to before starting uni. I wouldn't have to worry about hiding and hopefully my dysphoria would be lessened so I can properly focus on studying. When it comes to applyong for a PhD I could potentially even use it in my favour, such as been suggested, by being an academic other colleagues and students could potentially turn to for advice or anything to do with trans issues.
Kathylauren, its funny you should mention that because so many other people have mentioned it also, this includes my therapist. My therapist has suggested that the way I deal with things is by an 'all or nothing' approach where I'll either do something and go the whole distance and place massive targets to reach otherwise I think its pointless starting it and don't bother. Like yourself, she also suggested that I should aim to make my goals smaller but it's something i find extremely difficult

As much as we wish it wasn't a factor, there's no doubt being trans can have an impact on career.

It's one of the two main factors i haven't transitioned...one is my wife says she will leave the country with our kids and the other is paying the bills if I lose my very successful career.

I beat myself up sometimes for being afraid

Your dysphoria and anxiety levels will guide you forward.  On one hand you need to follow each step to find your place of alignment and peace, and one the other hand you owe it to yourself to be happy and at peace.  Both are in favour of moving forward.  It would be a shame for the world to not know the true you.   

I am still early in my journey, but I can tell you that my anxiety and dysphoria is such that I need to keep moving forward to find inner peace. How far forward time will tell.  All this to say I had a strong desire to be the beautiful woman I dreamt of, however it is so strong at times I just want the dysphoria gone...I want to beat this and not let it beat me or take me.

Take care

Karen

gwencook,

In academia, as a general rule (I know there are exceptions), the environments tend to be more liberal than conservative.  Enough so, that finding an institution with an accepting environment in which to pursue your academic goals should not be difficult at all.  When the time comes, do a little research on the schools that can meet your needs and pick one that suits you.  I am sure you will find that you have worried needlessly.

Worry about something more pressing.  Like, "What's for dinner?"

Good luck with your pursuit of you,
Stevi