@alex82
Hey, thanks for the input! Claire did bring up some good points, I have not heard of that person before. And I get the feeling people read my initial post and think that my transition is purely for sexual reasons, whereas that's pretty far from the truth.
A bit of sexual background. First encounter was some static-y porno of TV, I knew something was involved with my penis, but I didn't know what. So I pulled my pants down, was aroused, and waited for it to do something. After that, I think I learned about regular porn pretty quickly from the internet. I started with just straight porn, but grew tired of it; I believe now it was because I didn't really see myself in either role.
I have always been put down, mostly by girls/women and pushed around by them, but it's also probably because I never really bothered to open-up much around guys, I mean, they don't really share anyway. But at a very young age, I grew to resent and even hate women for awhile. I saw them just as fiendish beings who flaunt their physical traits over mental ones in order to prey on, control, or destroy guys. Similar to a Madonna complex, but in all aspects.
I have also always been very vain, but it's not something i'm happy about, if that makes sense. I don't look down on others because I want to, something in me just wants to criticize everything, even when I am worried about people's feelings or what it might do, and I have been actively pushing against that side of myself for the longest time. I do believe(especially with how distant that feeling is now) that it was a bit of my own criticism just slipping through in an angsty way because I was so unhappy with how I looked; but I thought that unhappiness had nothing to do with gender.
Anyway, back to porn. So, because of my hyper-criticizing tendencies, I have always fancied 2D erotica over 3D, because if there is any imperfection in a drawn character, it's done very deliberately- not so in real life. One time I was reading a manga, and didn't realize it involved a student basically having to pose as his dead sister for his traumatized family before and after class. Then his PE teacher recognizes him and plays with him sexually, she trains his ass and this was my first encounter with cross-dressing or semi-homosexual sex.
Something about it peaked my interest, I reason now because I could actually put myself in the shoes of that student, and also something else, like the 'evil' nature of bending someone's will was always appealing to me. Sometimes I had gotten off to that more than any kind of sex in the past. But with this development, I questioned my sexuality and thought maybe I was gay for it, but I was never attracted to men, gay porn even to this day makes me want to hurl. It's not like the, "Oh no, if I look at it, I'll finally admit I like it." I have tried to stare at it because it was what I THOUGHT I was supposed to be. But I just can't stand it, after all.
So there is a large connection to sexuality, but I think it's just like a key used to open the door, to enter the room where all the things I needed are.
I cannot stress this enough. I have no real life friends, I am constantly working, and I never really socialized any growing-up. Even when playing online games, I was more of the raid leader, the guild officer- I've always been an extremely serious person, and I always wanted to have fun, I just want to enjoy life, but I always feel this oppressing 'duty' that drives me, more like a machine, than a person.
Anyway, back to sexual stuff. I never had anyone teach me about sex, and I did more watching porn than actual reading of how orgasms work, etc. When I was a teenager, sometimes I'd just masturbate for hours and I never used lube, I didn't know it could be so great(in fact I had never used lube until about a month ago, when this all started) I punished the ever-living ->-bleeped-<- out of my dick, so many scars from abrasions and I hated it all the same, I felt controlled by it(hence why I was so angry at women) and I just wanted to be rid of it, that I debated cutting it off on several occasions, I don't even remember what ultimately made me change my mind.
So, getting back to the whole 'red pill' thing. I am not a red pill follower, but several of my views come from the same philosophy or feeling as theirs, but they are the extreme. I never bitch about feminism, unless it's toxic, the same goes for men- all people can be just the absolute worst and I hate it. But, things like the wage gap don't take into account that women prefer working less, taking more vacations, and many do have maternal instincts(not all, though), and their interests often differ from mens when growing-up too, which all play a part in the kinds of careers you are seeking.
People like to point out that men interrupt women in conversations, but from all I've seen women like to belittle men at every opportunity. Men have higher suicide rates than women, men can get raped just like women, but they do not have women's shelters or ANY support network that women do. Part of why men are cracking at the seams and this red pill movement became a thing, I think, is because men are expected to take everything and keep it inside. Otherwise, they aren't manly enough. Men can't hit women, that's a good rule; but women can hit men and it's okay? It just seems like there's many double-standards on both sides of the argument.
I think a part of me even desired to be a women, to feel like I had power, to feel like I had ANY control over my own life. These are just my experiences and observations. Maybe a man does have choices, or is somehow 'greater' in standing than a woman, but I've always seem them as the humble servant provider of the family, sacrificing themselves just to keep women happy. And don't even get me started on how alimony and divorce functions.
But getting off that soapbox for a moment, I hope everything goes well for me, and everyone else, too. Thank you! It's just something that has to be taken 1 day at a time.
@Tatiana
Girl, you are so right! I've always been so worried about doing something the right way, but similar to how alex and Clair have said, there isn't any one way to be a woman, you build yourself based on what you desire, see, feel, etc. over the years. And honestly, because I feels so good and 'natural' to do this hyper-girly things just gives me this feeling like, yes, this is who I am, this is what I was meant to be. I've already explained in other posts and to some extent, my wife, too, that just because there's something seen as 'girly' doesn't mean it's something I automatically care about. I am not transgender just so I can be the girliest girl. I will probably never get my ears pierced, I don't see myself in heels or high-glam or anything. I just really want to be me, I love cute things, I love beautiful things, I love having fun, running with my emotions, TALKING WAY TOO MUCH- all these things that even if I did them as a man, I could never accept myself in that way.
Today's Update
And I really do hope things go well for me and my wife, I gotta tell you, right now it seems a bit rocky. I am TRYING so hard not to say/do too much, but it always tips the scale, apparently lol Anyway, so onto the update!
Today, I went to a wholesale auction with my wife, she loves deals and auctions. We made some jokes me wanting purses, which coincidentally, is just another thing I don't really desire(maybe because I equate it to negative memories as a man always holding purses and feeling completely emasculated or something?) she says I'm more of a wristlet girl.
She likes to say those kinds of things and joke, but then shortly afterwards she always seems really depressed about it all. Like she's super supportive, but I think she also feels like her back is against a wall and she has no choice but to be supportive. Sometimes she'll say things like, "I think about putting up the christmas tree, but you'll be a woman, and that makes me sad for some reason" I think it's just still really weird and she's trying to get a grip on how the subtle things will change.
As I had explained to her before, my role in the relationship isn't going to change, the things I do isn't going to change, what will change is the implications because she has this preconceived idea of what a 'woman' should be, and yet I will be a woman doing the manly things, and it's weird to her. Sometimes, when we go out and I'm in guy mode(she has not done anything with me in girl-mode yet) I think she almost forgets i'm transgender, it's just too new. When we got home after the auction, I was stretching and I guess she saw the top of my panties, and for her, it was like a knife in the heart or something. It's just really hard for her to face this sometimes.
But this is also because she, like me, hasn't really been pleased with herself. She is a tomboy, and is very concerned about me being more of a woman than she ever could be(which was something I was concerned with, and am trying to address with both her and my therapist) And it really does boil down to what you all have being saying, girly doesn't automatically mean womanly. And also, not-girly doesn't automatically mean not womanly. But my wife never a conflict like this right in front of her. I think in many ways she envied or hated archtypes like the cheerleader or that 'sort' of girl in general- and that kind of bubbly girl is what I want to become, at least to some extent.
I had also decided(and told my wife) I am not telling my indie dev team that I'm transgender until after the game we're working on is released, I feel like spilling that knowledge out now could really shake-up the group dynamics; especially with me as the project manager, designer, and a few other roles.
In some quite exciting news, though! I bought my 2nd outfit ever, and I'm super excited to wear it, but it will come with it's own challenges for me, as well.
I got a turquoise color of the same shirt I had, and then I got this open-weave white cardigan(I didn't know it was a cardigan when I grabbed it originally) and something called TS Leggings, which have like different shades of blue flowers or something all over them(I dont remember) BUT a couple things about this outfit. The only white cardigan I could find was a 11-12, when my shirt is a 4-6, it looks like it will fit fine though, honestly. But I'm very concerned about these TS leggings. They were a size XO from what I could tell, no idea what that even means; but they looked like they might fit. Oh, and they have NO pockets whatsoever! So I'll have to get fancy with my holding technique while working lol I debated leaving my phone in my car, but my wife would have been furious by that!
Oh, and lastly, I was so excited, I was telling my wife and also asked her about the blouse she ordered for me(I think it would go best with like a black skirt, honestly) and she was like, "Whoa! Isn't that way too dangerous? Those leggings are going to be skin-tight, hun" And I was kinda blankly staring, then I was like, "Oh, it's no problem." And then she was blankly staring, and I offered to demonstrate, but that was a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I don't think she would have been convinced otherwise, and on the other, she is very very concerned/disturbed by it.
It's just going to be a bumpy road; can't wait for the rollercoaster that is HRT lol
And here is the next episode of Axiom Verge:
