Hi,
I'm DJ (Or Indie, I'm fine with either). I'm 28, biologically male, and mostly just confused. I'm not entirely sure if I'm trans or genderfluid or something else right now, and have been trying to figure this out. I'm meeting with a professional counselor who deals with LGBT issues later today, but I've been doing research lately, and a lot of places have pointed me here as a good resource/support network.
I'm a USAF veteran, still dealing with combat PTSD, and currently work at a 3-letter intelligence agency as a counter-terrorism analyst. My career path hasn't been exactly the most... welcoming, with regard to anything LGBT, and having grown up in a rather conservative Christian family, I've mostly suppressed or avoided any feelings on the issue for a long time.
Things began to click for me not too long after I moved out and joined the military. Within the first few months on my own, I realized I'm bisexual, and thanks to a supportive friend, I came out with regard to that. Thankfully DADT was repealed a couple years later, and I could breathe easier. Once I had admitted that to both myself and others, some of those repressed memories and feelings began to come back.
While deployed in Europe, I had a lot of time by myself. I worked alone in my deployed office as the only Intelligence analyst on night shift, which gave me plenty of time to my thoughts. My limited free time was spent drinking in my room alone and watching old TV shows. I somehow stumbled on what My Little Pony, which was then brand new. Drunk and bored, I decided to watch it for a bit. I quickly became enthralled with the strong female characters, especially in that they didn't show "stereotypical" female traits. Instead they were strong characters who happened to be female. It intrigued me in a way I hadn't felt before, or so I thought.
Soon, I was remembering my youth more clearly. Things I had forced myself to forget, just to get by and "fit in" with everyone else. I remembered being twelve ad waiting until my parents had gone grocery shopping and I was alone in the house. I'd sneak into the spare bedroom where extra clothes were stored, and try on my mom's renaissance faire dress. I did that every time they left for a long time, simply because it just felt right to me. I remembered how much I hated looking at myself in the mirror, that I always just felt I looked wrong. I still do to this day, and hate having my picture taken. I remembered how excited I was that I had to wear tights when I was in drama, and how I had to hide that feeling and act annoyed like all the other guys. I remembered always choosing the female character in video games, and sticking with what I later realized were non-gendered nicknames throughout life. Even now, I go by DJ instead of my given name.
After that deployment, I moved to a new base. Once I got out of the dorms and had my own apartment, I felt more free and started to get the urge to experiment a bit. It started off simple, ordering some panties off amazon, and slowly grew. Some close friends at the local hot topic in town helped me out a bit with figuring out sizes, and setting things aside for me at the store so no one would notice what I was buying. Over time, I became more involved in crossdressing, often spending free time at home dressed as a woman, trying to figure out the mystery that is makeup. I still avoided any mention of these feelings around anyone but a couple of very close friends, one of which is going through similar issues, and later my girlfriend, now wife. I ended up pretty lucky with her. We're both bi, and she has been very supportive of my gender identity issues. She's been extremely receptive in talking with me about this stuff and hasn't backed away or anything.
The last few years though, I haven't crossdressed as much. Partly because of my insane work schedule, and partly because doing so tends to make me feel worse now. It's hard to describe, but it's almost like I'm just teasing myself by doing so. I can never look quite right, and it just hurts to look at.
Even writing this out, I feel more confident that I am mtf trans, but I've always been a cautious and logic driven person. I've never been one to just dive in and damn the consequences. Right now, I'm mostly just looking for help figuring out who I am, before I try to do anything. And, if/when that time comes, I'm still trying to think of how to tell my parents. They were not exactly happy about my coming out as bi, can't imagine this will be easier.
Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my ramblings. And I apologize profusely if I have inadvertently used any language that could be seen as offensive. I'm still learning the terminology as I go.
--DJ
