Hi everyone,
I really hope in talking about this I'm not coming across as disrespectful or dismissive in any way -- I know this can be a sensitive issue for a lot of people. I'm just trying to be as honest as I can be about this because I'm feeling very confused at the moment.
So, I've experienced devastating gender dysphoria at numerous points in my life. Sometimes it eases a bit, and I can kind of get along, but it always comes back to this. At one point, when I was in my teens and in my first relationships with women, I identified very strongly as a butch lesbian. I found belonging and acceptance, and happiness in the lesbian community, especially in the face of horrible backlash and rejection from my family and community. As time went by though, I found my dysphoria, particularly around my body and how I'm read socially, flaring up more and more. I always felt a deep rush of happiness and "rightness" whenever I was referred to with male pronouns, and always identified more with men in my life and in general. I never really felt right being seen as a woman, but being seen as a butch woman made me feel more at ease, and eased the dysphoria somewhat, but not completely. Recently, I've also been in a committed and deeply loving relationship with a man, and feel right being seen and responded to as male. But since I'm polyamorous, I'm also in a more casual relationship with a woman, who is bisexual. Sometimes, when she talks about me, I feel crushing dysphoria whenever she refers to the more "feminine" characteristics of my body. I've been wanting to start hormones but am hesitant for a number of reasons, including my confusion around all of this, and the devastating backlash and probably disownment of my family and entire community. Sometimes I feel like it would be "easier" if I could reconcile myself with being afab, and try to inhabit my body as a butch woman. Sometimes, for a little while, thinking of myself as a butch woman eases my dysphoria, and makes it easier to cope and live in the world and society in general. But I've always wanted to have male anatomy, to be read as male, in my relationships, and life in general. I've always wanted to be a son, rather than a daughter. A brother rather than a sister, a father rather than a mother, and so on. I hope this all makes some sense. I also feel very guilty, because if I am a trans guy, I don't want to intrude on lesbian spaces and identities, but I found such a sense of safety in the lesbian community. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what this all means, and it's all come to a head as I face the choice to start taking hormones or not. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this? I'd really appreciate some thoughts in response, because I feel very confused right now. Am I perhaps just scared of losing that sense of safety and belonging I once had? Or am I not trans? I just don't know. Anyway. Any thoughts would be hugely appreciated, everyone. Thank you so much

Hi, Mitenka.

It certainly sounds to me like you are trans.  Cis people do not experience gender dysphoria, nor do they wish to be anything other than their birth gender.  In fact cis people seldom think about their gender at all.

Are you seeing a therapist?  Seeing a gender therapist is an excellent way to explore who you are and what you want.  Sometimes our own wants and needs are too close for us to see, like the tip of your nose.  We need to have someone else listening, who can act like a mirror and let us see what we want or need.

Yes, taking a step forward is scary.  The safe road seems to be to live with the dysphoria that you know.  Yet where will that road take you?  Somewhere you want to be?  A step into the unknown is always scary.  Again, that is something a gender therapist can help you with.

Your discussing the decision we all have to face. There isn't a quick simple solution and normally it's reached by therapy, RLE and a good deal of soul searching. After that, you throw caution to the wind and it's full speed ahead. For me the decision came down to not being able to survive with dysphoria verses a possible escape from what I had been dealing with for the previous 10 years. You might try taking a piece of paper and putting two columns on it. One is for reasons not to transition and the other reasons to transition. After you have everything you can think of, rate each item as to it's importance to you. Unknowingly I did this in my head and the reason was simple. I was no longer able to deal with the dysphoria and I could only see one solution. Once your eliminate all the unimportant issues, hopefully you will find that one issues that you happiness is based on.