So, it's been awhile since I updated. I kind of hope I can remember anything important(if its important, why would I ever forget? lol Well, reasons...1 being ME!) Anyway, I also understand that I tend to overblow very tiny things in my daily life, I think it's because in reality, I am still, very, very boring of a person. Really hoping that starts to change when I take off my mask and grow real boobs and can really express myself more not just on Susans.
So seems like the last thing I posted about that was semi-major was my 2nd therapist session, and that morning I also made a video about how I've been working/finding my voice and hoping that can give courage to other transgirls who are concerned about their own ability. (should I also include that I can't whistle? I'm like REALLY bad at stuff)
Since then I think the only really major thing to happen is coming out to my sister, going to Sephora's for their first transgender-aimed class, and feeling a bit down with the emotionally-driven things that my wife says to me sometimes. Oh, and I'm starting to do my makeup everyday now, but it's not going the best and I will get to that, lol
Of my family, there are only a few that I really want to come out to myself, after them, they are welcome to tell whoever and whatever way they wish. They are: my sister, my father, my mother, and my aunts(who are lesbians) and in that order. I think I'm fortunate that I won't receive much backlash or criticism from them, but others in my family...I am doubtful they will be supportive at all. I know many girls on her deal with truly torn-apart families, and I've seen some cases recently on Twitter, and it really breaks my heart. Once again, I feel like I am blessed, and similar to Lucca feeling 'privileged' I do feel privileged when it comes to transgender girls. It makes me, at least a little, ashamed of any obstacle I face, because I know you all are dealing with much bigger things, and it makes me feel like do I deserve to continue my transition, but there's just no way I cannot at this point. Everything feels so much better, so much clearer, and I just actually enjoy life- I hope other girls never give up on themselves over something small, and it breaks my heart when they're faced with overwhelming hardships and see their only option as detransitioning...
So, I decided to make some time for my sister, providing a good amount of time to go over any questions. She was at first very concerned, but i assured her that I don't need to talk to her right away and would like it when we'd have a decent amount of time to talk. So I told her, and shared some info about my Youtube personas and Susans, too. She definitely didn't seem enthusiastic, but she seemed to be more angry at anyone 'trying to hold me back.' Despite having our eldest sibling suffer from gender dysphoria and commit suicide over it, I still think everyone in my family is very much not educated on some aspects. What I also learned(mostly, remembered, because I forgot) from her was that my brother had gotten laser hair removal a few days before he went to live with my mom, and he had been self-medicating on estrogen pills. No doubt, his hormones were very unbalanced, couple that with his situation, the sparse community at the time, and a clueless family, it's no wonder he was driven to suicide. And it's no wonder that I think my family is VERY afraid that I will be doing the same.
After hearing that again, it did make me quite a bit nervous to go on HRT. I mean, I used to think about killing myself all the time(that is normal teenage angst, right?) but I knew I was always a coward to go through with it. That is why I would joke about enrolling myself into the army to find an honorable death(and one that was somewhat out of my hands) but I also know that while I thought about suicide, it lurked like just below the surface- unreachable. Something else laid just below the surface, too, and that is Eryn(and all my emotions). I'm very nervous in the shower now when shaving, thinking I might accidentally cut my wrist. And now I'm very concerned that if I am particularly depressed about something, unable to control the heightened sense of emotions that I might actually do such a thing. I hope it is just in my head and never comes to pass, for obvious reasons. But it is still a fear, and maybe one totally unjustified with how blessed I am as a transwoman, but still...a fear.
Enough of that, so the big day came to go to Sephoras. Oh, and I don't know if I mentioned it in my last update, but after straining my voice and not getting enough sleep, I had a very, very sore throat(and still do, days later) part of that was continued lack of sleep(also why I havent updated in awhile) because I was just so so busy! And now, I can't tell if it's actually a sore throat, I was able to use my voice just fine today(still needs work, obviously) so I think what's in my throat could be like an infection of sorts which has slowly begun to shrink and heal, or its like a cancur(sp) sore just way, way down in the back of my mouth, almost at my throat. Cause my whole throat doesn't ache, just a very tiny section on the left side.
Back to Sephoras. It was quite the drive(and I was tired driving back from it, even though I had another 10 hours of work to do >.<) I got to the mall early, but this place was friggin HUGE! It reminded me more of an airport than a mall. I was at the spot they suggested, the lesson was at 9am and the doors said they don't open until 11am. So I was very confused. I walked around looking for a general entrance, and it was stupidly cold and windy and my dress was flapping all over, my hair a mess(i lost my brush, found it now though!) and just really starting to get down about the whole thing. So I called, and they're not open yet so no answer, and then I called again and pushed the button for a beauty expert and got through to someone, they said the general entrance is open and then we lost service. So, now I was on a mission to find this elusive general entrance!
Time was ticking, they told me to come at least 10 minutes before 9, and I wasn't even inside the mall until after that. I was freaking out, sweating, I didn't know what to expect, I eventually found the entrance and was able to get a parking spot easily in the morning(Thank goodness!) I rushed inside, heading towards the general landmark(being Nordstroms) to where Sephora's is near, the shape of the mall made it a bit difficult to know if I was going the right way, and I for the life of my couldn't find a friggin directory! My head was spinning, then I noticed a lot of girls sitting in one spot away from the food court, and then I saw Sephoras. It was now 9:07, but they had now opened their doors yet. I have made it in time.
Sitting down, I was my usual nervous self, I wanted to go up and mingle, but I mean, I don't know what to say, I'm just desperate to make friends and be friendly with others because I enjoy other people's interests, ideas, and company, but I just sat there. I also noticed, while almost everyone was dressed, not a single person was wearing a mask. I felt ashamed of myself, for lacking the courage(that I try to give others) to show my real face, these girls were much braver than I. I quickly took my mask and stuffed it in my breast pocket.
Then the doors opened, and we started flooding in. Sephoras was like a wonderland inside! (Im so sorry I didnt take any pictures inside >.<) and they offered treats(fruits, veggies, various crackers) and I got a name tag along with my preferred pronoun. Up until that point, this was not something I dealt with head-on. Yes, of course I want to be female, seen as female, and referred to as female, but I am also perfectly fine with people who knew me before my transition referring me in male pronouns. And I also doubted how I looked and felt at that moment, "Am I just a man in a dress? Or am I transitioning female?" I put down F, and it felt really good. Then we were guided over to our beauty stations.
I get the feeling many of us were very uncomfortable. I kind of felt a bit like cattle, since I just seemed very sheepish in every way, I would have literally agreed and obeyed whatever was asked of me in that moment lol By the way, there was quite a few girls there! I'm very proud of them, I sat next to Teagan and her wife Kathy, they were an older couple and it was really nice to have them there. I think Kathy helped break me out of my shell a bit as we did some small talk, she liked my dress and that made me happy. But it was also very hard to get a read on her feelings about everything, she seemed very sad(like that internet historian guy's face) very supportive, and very lively. On the outside, she seemed way more supportive than my own wife is now. But love grows and changes, especially with dealing with your own transitions and they had been together for 20+ years, so I don't think I can or should jump to any conclusions here.
The lesson wasn't quite what I expected, and 2 aspects weren't covered that I really wished were, being: our beard shadows, and eye shadow/stuff. In fact, the lesson itself, could have just been for women only and it wouldn't have changed. The only thing that they touched on(which I heard about originally from Susans) was to be cautious of certain types of skin treatment(I always forget the terms) like APA or what not while on hormones, and that was basically it.
I would say the majority of what was taught, I had already learned from various folk here on Susans. Things like, skin care is just as important if not more than what makeup you're using, etc. But I did learn a lot of tiny things that many makeup videos on youtube just don't talk about(or they're heavily assumed) but some seem so specific, that I doubt they can be assumed.
For instance, the area around the eye is delicate and breaks blood vessels easily so when applying stuff around the eye(like eye cream or primers) use your ring-finger, because there isn't as much strength in it due to 1 less tendon.
Primer has always been told to me that it helps your makeup last longer and go on smooth, but I never really understood why. And they explained primer as essentially wet cement for your face, that you roll across your pores and it fills in the ridges so that when you're using makeup later, it is going on a smooth(rather than rocky) surface. I think this helped me internalize primer better, and realize the one I'm using is just awful for me lol
When applying foundation, I used an angled brush. The demonstrator taught me the proper way to hold the brush to get the kind of application that you desire, and it seems to be slightly askew rather than trying to lay one entire side of the brush flat against my face. I think that is because doing so applies too much, too quickly in one spot and makes it hard to blend later.
On that same note, they suggested I do some larger, broader strokes with foundation at first, then go back in once basically all the product is off the brush to blend it all, and I found that quite helpful.
I can never tell how much is too much or not enough or anything like that when it comes to powder substances, and I know to tap off excess, but like how much? Well they said you want a 'dusting' on the brush, and showed what it looks like. And the demonstrator told me what they do with powders is 3 semi-hard swipes toward the body(while still in the container) and then a swivle motion and then tapping off the excess. And I also found that really helpful.
It was terrifying and frustrating, but also probably for the best that I did my own makeup in this class, and not really get application from the experts. Some girls(at least 1, in particular) foundation looked AMAZING! And this one girl's lipstick was WAY on point, that was definitely not their first time putting on lipstick lol
I think I stumbled around with my product(i made quite a mess!) and was really struggling with the application, but in the end it didn't look all that bad. Unfortunately, I have a smile like the joker and now I feel those suicide urges rising again...Anyway.
I recorded basically the whole 'lesson' and I also recorded all the time I spent applying makeup to myself, I planed to upload it to Youtube and then when it's there, Ill post it here, too.
Oh, last but not least we all got a nice care package from Sephora that was completely unsuspected! It has like, I'm guessing $60 or more worth of sample sizes of various stuff! Was so happy to have this, and I also signed up for their version of a lootcrate subscription, because I found the product I used(mostly NARS) to really work well, while what I use at home(mostly Maybelline) just doesn't work well for me. Anyway, here's a pic of the bag and all the stuff that was inside! (crap! I also got some blush from NARS int he package, but I forgot it in the bottom of the bag, so it is not shown in the pic here, sorry!)
It was a bit scary, too, at Sephora's because we were situated right near the big glass see-through walls of the shop(which makes sense, they see people doing makeup and it gets customers going inside) and I didn't put my mask back on until I got to work. And it felt like there might have been ridicule when many transgender women started flooding out of a makeup shop all at the same time. Almost like we were a parade or something in the mall, but it quickly dispersed so that feeling died down, it was just not something I was expecting.
I know I said in the past that I wear the mask because I cant wear makeup, let me rephrase that now. I wear the mask because I do not look female in any way, and makeup proved that to me ultimately. It hurts, and I am trying to see if I can wean off the mask,, but I don't think I will be able to ditch it entirely until on HRT for a year or more or however long it takes to see changes in your face.
Shopping-wise, I bought a pack of microfiber bikini panties, and these are literally the BEST! Still haven't found a proper thong, though. Why wife has been helping me find various stuff online, like a pair of tank tops, a wristlet, a skirt, amongst other things. Today I got my manicure and also got my nails painted for the first time! I love it, but I had really wished I would have been more descriptive with the color I wanted lol I was just so afraid to sound weird that I don't try to talk much. My wife and I are helping her grandma move this year and one of the days we're coming over is this Saturday, so I wanted my nails to be shorter for that, and as a trade-off, painted :p This woman can be quite the villain to her own family, and she's the type of old person that doesn't see the harm in slavery...so yeah, I am not about to come out to her anytime soon lol
Here is a pic of my nails with the wristlet, I got. Colors don't really match, I WANTED a light lavender-like color, and they saw purple lol(I thought the stereotype was men don't recognize a large color palette, but women do?):
I'm also trying to wean myself off of these adhesive bras. I don't think they are meant to be worn daily(I do clean them, every single day) because I am starting to build-up a rather nasty looking rash on my chest that is ugly and unsightly. I've been using some Cortizone cream on it though, and seems to help. Similar to my waist cinchers, so I'm trying to wear layers of clothing so the bras and cincher aren't actually touching skin(and that is what has been recommended online, anyway for cinchers/corsets) Oh, and I got a strapless bra, which is very nice, but shows just how much I think I don't know where my boobs are supposed to be, because it pressed HARD into me, and hurts a lot sometimes.
Now, onto some relationship stuff. I'm been a bit down and feeling less validated than ever before by my wife lately, and it sucks. She IS supportive, but similar to how I DID things for her, rather than show my feelings; she is doing the same, but kind of opposite. It's not uncommon for her to be yell at me about how supportive she is being, and then crack jokes about how I'm not allowed to be a woman if x-y-zed. Or that I'd make a lousy woman, and I mean, it never occurred to me, but yeah it clearly shows she doesn't or can't see me as a woman.
When I talked to my sister after, my wife explained something to me, that I thought I understood very well by reading various posts here on Susans including the SO sticky one, but I guess I didn't. While I am not leaving her, or dying, there are some thing, some major things that she was attracted to that brought us together and I am removing them. For me, the same had occurred in the past in her case, but something minor like maybe we play different games or like different shows, but this was major, and the most major thing of all is my face and my voice- which is why she's so apprehensive about HRT.
She has basically said that I am not allowed to use my voice until I present as a woman 100% of the time, and that makes sense to me; to keep me from feeling like a frakenstein's monster or homonculus. We met on World of Warcraft, and she is most familiar with my voice since we talked a lot over distance the first year or so of our relationship. To lose that is a really big thing for her, even though I really don't like my old voice. I can see why this isn't as big of a deal for many transwomen, simply because if they have significant others, they didn't experience that initial connection or spark with them over their voice, I'm guessing.
But another part of this really feels like the "same ol' song and dance" before it was "How can you be so <blank> you should <blank>" and "I love you but <blank>" and now it's more like "You can't be a woman if you <blank>" and "You're not allowed to be a woman, since you <blank>" part of it is her venting her own frustrations, I know, but it is starting to chip away at me, and I'm sure soon, I will let her know I really wish she wouldn't blame all of my individual faults on my transition. Another part of me thinks I'll wait until I'm on HRT for awhile, and it'd be almost impossible(I hope) to see me as anything other than a woman. And then I'd be like, "Tough luck! Because I am a woman!"
I haven't been on Susans as much, but I increased my activity on Twitter some, found some really fun and cool transgirls to follow and talk to. I enjoy it alot, it started with a tweet just complimenting those of us not on HRT yet, and I found many accounts through that to follow. I still post/retweet weird or funny stuff, but I also have been more involved with emotional and semi-political stuff, too. I learned what TERF stands for, and I am quite shocked. When I said there were toxic forms of feminism in my initial post, I wasn't expecting something like that. Eliie(Roll) initially told me that #PeakTrans was taken over by TERFs, but I didn't know what those were at the time. Oh and can I say, I'm slightly irked that I see 1 account post a trans-oriented meme, and it gets like 300 likes and 60 retweets when I post them I can't even get 1 like >.<
I know this isn't true, because I have met some wonderful ladies here on Susans, but it sometimes really does feel like I am the ender of conversations or the one no one wants to be around. I think it's because I get too intimate or passionate with the details of things and it tends to overwhelm people..
I haven't captured any more Axion Verge footage in several days, trying to get caught up on work-related stuff and rebalance my schedule to improve my overall skincare routine and include makeup, while doing more Twitter stuff, too lol Oh and I want to start practicing drawing again, so there's even more precious time siphoned :p I plan to make a picture that will be mostly for Susans, but I'll post on Twitter, too. Maybe if I start drawing more, people might like it(and me!)
It's hard to know if I'm annoying, playing the wrong game, just bad, or just unknown on Youtube because I have like 140 views total with over 100 being from my voice video. And like 400 or so minutes watched(with each video averaging about 25min in length and there being 17 of them right now) means like most people probably close the video within a few minutes. This is not at all how I consume content on Youtube, so I'm really curious, is that what normal people do?
Anyway, like I said, I'll try to post the video from Sephora's soon, and I also was planning(and do think ill do this when I find the time) to make an audio version of this blog, and put that on soundcloud. This is something I already do at my indie company, because I understand people are more passive in consuming content, while reading is slightly more engaging for them. If there's a long news story, blog post, or just post in general on social media, how likely it is someone is going to sit down and read it all? Not likely, I think, but I do think it's more likely that if someone reads it or has video and it's 10-15min long(or 1hr in the case of podcasts) that they're more receptive toward it.
So here's the next 2 episodes of Axion Verge, and I hope to begin recording more very soon!
ON A SIDE NOTE, MAYBE I NEED TO STOP INCLUDING THE TAG "TRANSGENDER" IN THESE VIDEOS, EH YOUTUBE?! /micro-rant
