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Marriage after transition & loss of intimacy

Started by Jak of hearts, May 28, 2018, 07:18:01 AM

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Jak of hearts

Hey everyone, It's been a while since I've been here.  I am a MtF transgender and I came out and transitioned about 2 1/2 years ago.  When I did, me and my wife were frank and we agreed that we didn't know how this would effect our marriage and we would take it one day at a time (I am bisexual... she is hetero).  For the first year and a half I would say things were very well.  Our marriage was strong and we still loved each other very much, there was much talk of the future and we were both generally happy.  About a year ago we lost intimacy in our relationship.  Don't get me wrong, we still love each other so much and are a very happy family.  We support each other and tell each other everything; but she just seemed to lose all romantic interest in me despite my efforts (note that I am still much very romantically interested in her).

We had a lengthy discussion last night.  She told me that she doesn't know why, but she just knows she doesn't have any romantic desires anymore and we are both operating under the assumption at this point that it is due to the transition.  We have children, we have a life together, we love each other deeply, and neither of us are ready to give up on our marriage; but at the same time I am craving any sort of physical intimacy so badly that I don't know how much longer we can maintain a healthy relationship.  So she asked me to come to the forums where I used to spend so much time and see what others did in this situation.  For you other trans people who are still married to your partners that you had prior, did you have this problem?  How did you cope with it?  How long until the problem became a problem and how serious was it? Thank you all in advance for taking your time to read this and try to help  me out.  I appreciate it.
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KathyLauren

I had to deal with this problem long before I transitioned.  It happens from natural causes, too, not just from transition.  It is just a fact of life that most couples will have to deal with in some form eventually.

I was committed to not seeking relief outside of our relationship, so I took care of my needs by myself.  As HRT kicked in, my libido dropped to match my wife's.
2015-07-04 Awakening; 2015-11-15 Out to self; 2016-06-22 Out to wife; 2016-10-27 First time presenting in public; 2017-01-20 Started HRT!!; 2017-04-20 Out publicly; 2017-07-10 Legal name change; 2019-02-15 Approval for GRS; 2019-08-02 Official gender change; 2020-03-11 GRS; 2020-09-17 New birth certificate
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Sylvia

As an SO I would be interested in the replies to this. My partner is about to start hormones, and one of the things that is terrifying me is the loss of intimacy. We have a good sex life and I am terrified of losing it. My fear is twofold - firstly that the hormones will make him lose his libido and desire, and secondly that I will lose my desire for him as a woman - which sounds like where your wife it. The second option is a huge fear for my partner too. If BOTH these things happen, and we both end up with no sexual desire, I really don't know how it will end. I really don't want him to be my 'best friend' - I want him to be my partner, my protector, my lover. Maybe unrealistic.
One thing we have already done is to change our lovemaking, away from the traditional PIV/penetration (although that still happens) to a more gentle touching/stroking, with me treating him more like a female, if that makes sense. Would your wife consider that? I know many cis women wouldn't consider anything away from the norm, but I've surprised myself by how much I'm enjoying it. But he (and he still uses male pronouns) hasn't started transitioning yet and I honestly don't know how I will feel when his body starts to change.
Hope others can be of more help.
PS. We are not spring chickens, I'm 60 this year and he will be 63. 
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sarah1972

Our story is very much identical than yours. I came out about two years ago, my wife identifies as hetero and I am a lesbian.

Life had already taken a toll long before me coming out to her. Up to today, I am wondering if this played a role in the entire situation. We also have one kid and we have plans for the future. Lots of plans.

Right after coming out to her she told me she cannot imagine intimacy and even any kind of other affection did get lost. She also made it very clear that she does not identify as Lesbian and is not into women. She has however gotten a lot more comfortable around Sarah than she initially was, maybe also due to the great acceptance we have experienced.

My desire for intimacy had gone away after about 3 months on hormones.  But it did come back after about a year. Much transformed, and these days I could go for hours of cuddling and I would be happy. Really very stereotypical to a cis woman.

As for you, this is becoming a problem for me.

Most recently my emotional state was not much better than a 14-year-old. I am very aware that I need to be extremely cautious about myself not to do anything I might regret. At least this knowledge helps to control the situation. I have resisted the urge to sign up for Tinder (yeah....) and while my hormones have messed with my mind the past few months, it seems I am at the tail end of it.

I do respect her wishes. I also know that I do not want to put any pressure on the situation. It does take a lot of time to heal and disturbing the open wound could potentially end in a much worse outcome. I am also holding back any surgery plans until we have a better handle on the future.

I have not given up hope that one day we may be able to get back to intimacy or at least some kind of affection but with only 2 years so far I have not found a good solution yet. These days we are described as "well functioning best friends" - in my mind I always add a sad "without benefits".

Sorry that I can't help more besides us sharing the same problems.

Hugs -

Sarah

Quote from: Jak of hearts on May 28, 2018, 07:18:01 AM
Hey everyone, It's been a while since I've been here.  I am a MtF transgender and I came out and transitioned about 2 1/2 years ago.  When I did, me and my wife were frank and we agreed that we didn't know how this would effect our marriage and we would take it one day at a time (I am bisexual... she is hetero).  For the first year and a half I would say things were very well.  Our marriage was strong and we still loved each other very much, there was much talk of the future and we were both generally happy.  About a year ago we lost intimacy in our relationship.  Don't get me wrong, we still love each other so much and are a very happy family.  We support each other and tell each other everything; but she just seemed to lose all romantic interest in me despite my efforts (note that I am still much very romantically interested in her).

We had a lengthy discussion last night.  She told me that she doesn't know why, but she just knows she doesn't have any romantic desires anymore and we are both operating under the assumption at this point that it is due to the transition.  We have children, we have a life together, we love each other deeply, and neither of us are ready to give up on our marriage; but at the same time I am craving any sort of physical intimacy so badly that I don't know how much longer we can maintain a healthy relationship.  So she asked me to come to the forums where I used to spend so much time and see what others did in this situation.  For you other trans people who are still married to your partners that you had prior, did you have this problem?  How did you cope with it?  How long until the problem became a problem and how serious was it? Thank you all in advance for taking your time to read this and try to help  me out.  I appreciate it.

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Tommi

I am a year into hrt, mtf. I am pansexual, she is hetero... Currently, she calls herself "tommisexual," not lesbian. However, I have lost all sensual desire since going on hormones, but she is ramping up due to being premenopausal. It is strange, but was never a big part of our previous 17 years. A lot of snuggles has always been more important to us than sexual intimacy. Before transition, I was hypersexual, while she was not. She would alllow me to "play" at a local dungeon, but with specific rules (no kissing, penetration, fluid exchange etc) and that was a release that could be had and she didn't have to do anything except trust me to follow the rules

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