Hey all,
So I've been at a really happy place for a good couple of weeks, and things have been on a massive high while I've been massively looking forward to the  future. However, after watching a film called Every Day (a must watch) o find myself questioning if I'm actually just trying harder to look for love and to be loved.
In school I was never given a second  thought, to which I can understand. At uni I was again never given a second glance. I'm now 24. I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers (in total) all younger then me with the youngest being 14 and every single one of them has experience love and dating. When my mom was my age she had been in love and had two kids and experienced heart break. My friends are all on relationships and yet it seems to me that I'm the only one to not have experienced anything of the sort.
I've been thinking that maybe this has influenced the way I see myself. Maybe the reason i can only see the female inside of my head because that's a face/figure that i find beautiful and so i project that outwards thinking that if I look a certain way maybe I'll find love.
I'm not sure that makes sense but I know I'm a good person with a good personality. But maybe the reason I think I'm female is because I may have been subconsciously (now consciously) thinking that if I'm female its the only way I will ever get to experience love.
Much love xox

Hi Gwen,            28 May 2018

I truly wish I could help; not knowing you personally makes it a bit difficult. I'd stop by for a visit if you would allow me, BUT, there is a big problem with trying to do that; I can't walk on water and even if I could I doubt that I'd make it before you were 90.

I quit flying so that's not an option.

Maybe if you post a good bit more information about yourself some of the real experts that are here at Susan's Place will jump in and help you. I think you will find help that will point you in the correct direction. Pour your heart out, you are safe here and welcome.

I'm no one special, just the old (soon to be 78) nag that bugs some of the folks here that I love. I love everyone here, I just can't bug them all as there are way too many here for me to even try.

Please give it a shot.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

Quote from: gwencook on May 28, 2018, 06:31:34 PM
Hey all,
So I've been at a really happy place for a good couple of weeks, and things have been on a massive high while I've been massively looking forward to the  future. However, after watching a film called Every Day (a must watch) o find myself questioning if I'm actually just trying harder to look for love and to be loved.
In school I was never given a second  thought, to which I can understand. At uni I was again never given a second glance. I'm now 24. I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers (in total) all younger then me with the youngest being 14 and every single one of them has experience love and dating. When my mom was my age she had been in love and had two kids and experienced heart break. My friends are all on relationships and yet it seems to me that I'm the only one to not have experienced anything of the sort.
I've been thinking that maybe this has influenced the way I see myself. Maybe the reason i can only see the female inside of my head because that's a face/figure that i find beautiful and so i project that outwards thinking that if I look a certain way maybe I'll find love.
I'm not sure that makes sense but I know I'm a good person with a good personality. But maybe the reason I think I'm female is because I may have been subconsciously (now consciously) thinking that if I'm female its the only way I will ever get to experience love.
Much love xox

Gwen,
I don't know you but have you considered it could be the other way round. Because you have issues with gender identity, maybe you give of vibes of being unapproachable. This was true for me. My confusion caused me to create distance between me and any other interested parties. I could be true and you not even be aware of it. Do you ever try to flirt? Are you makking efforts or just flying under the radar?
Moni

Thanks for the replies. There's not much else to say Christine other then I was sexually abused for 5 years.
And Moni that's a thought I have kept coming to and have highly considered. I have tried flirting and I'm OK at it. Flirting has happened to me but only when I'm working at a pub.

Does it make you want to run or maybe go with it? (Keep in mind I am no expert, I usually run.)

I try to go for it as long as I can

Quote from: gwencook on May 28, 2018, 07:36:35 PM
Thanks for the replies. There's not much else to say Christine other then I was sexually abused for 5 years.
And Moni that's a thought I have kept coming to and have highly considered. I have tried flirting and I'm OK at it. Flirting has happened to me but only when I'm working at a pub.

Hi Gwen,                  28 May 2018

Now we are getting somewhere. What happened to you is despicable. I hope the perpetrator has been punished. My second wife was sexually abused by her father, a stinking pedophile that I came to loath. This is serious and requires professional counseling. I know the abuse had a horrible impact on my wife. She sought out counseling and it helped her immensely. That abuse is most likely the root of your problems.

One important thing to remember, that abuse was never your fault in any way shape or form, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Keep your head held high, be proud of yourself, you are a survivor; seek out a good counselor that has expertise in this area. You will succeed.

God Bless, take good care of yourself,

Best Always, Love
Christine

PS:
Don't forget to LOVE YOURSELF!

Hey Christine, I have dealt the the abuse in therapy. I know its not my fault now and he did get away with it. I'm sorry to hear about your wife.
Much love xox

Quote from: HappyMoni on May 28, 2018, 07:27:46 PM
Gwen,
I don't know you but have you considered it could be the other way round. Because you have issues with gender identity, maybe you give of vibes of being unapproachable. This was true for me. My confusion caused me to create distance between me and any other interested parties. I could be true and you not even be aware of it. Do you ever try to flirt? Are you makking efforts or just flying under the radar?
Moni

This is true for me, too.

I never dated in high school, and seldom dated after that.  When I was in the military, I lived in fear that my colleagues would find out that I was still a virgin.  To this day, I could count my sexual partners on the fingers of one hand, with fingers left over.  Certainly, I was giving off a "something is wrong with this one" vibe that kept potential partners away.

It caused me to wonder what was wrong with me.  And it is only in the last couple of years that it has become clear: it was because I was trans.  Being trans-femme, I didn't have the hard-wired programming to be a male, and, having been raised as a boy, I never learned what it takes to be a female.  So I ended up, socially, at least, being neither.  To this day, I have no idea how to flirt, and I probably wouldn't recognize if someone was flirting with me.

I see on these pages that this is not an uncommon pattern for trans women.  I think Moni is on to something: just the fact of being trans can inhibit "normal" socialization.

This is something that it would be useful to explore with your therapist.

Not knowing you, the safest advice I can give is general. I would say be yourself, but be open to new things. Do friends have a feel for whether you are putting up barriers to relationships? As far as you being trans in order to obtain love, I would say no book or movie will give you the answer. Rather, how do you feel when people treat you as a female? Is it positive? Experiences will tell you so much. You really are very young. I wouldn't panic. The right person takes some time sometimes. Probably many of the people you are comparing yourself to won't be with that person in 5 years.  Be open and friendly! It may even create a situation where you network and find someone indirectly.
Moni

Quote from: KathyLauren on May 28, 2018, 08:01:31 PM
This is true for me, too.

I never dated in high school, and seldom dated after that.  When I was in the military, I lived in fear that my colleagues would find out that I was still a virgin.  To this day, I could count my sexual partners on the fingers of one hand, with fingers left over.  Certainly, I was giving off a "something is wrong with this one" vibe that kept potential partners away.

It caused me to wonder what was wrong with me.  And it is only in the last couple of years that it has become clear: it was because I was trans.  Being trans-femme, I didn't have the hard-wired programming to be a male, and, having been raised as a boy, I never learned what it takes to be a female.  So I ended up, socially, at least, being neither.  To this day, I have no idea how to flirt, and I probably wouldn't recognize if someone was flirting with me.

I see on these pages that this is not an uncommon pattern for trans women.  I think Moni is on to something: just the fact of being trans can inhibit "normal" socialization.

This is something that it would be useful to explore with your therapist.

Wow Kathy, I really relate to this!

Hey all thanks for the replies.
See this is where I get really confused because this is something I have thought of for a very long time and have considered all aspects. Am I not finding love as I'm trans and not being myself or am I not finding love because I think I'm female when I'm not therefore I'm not finding love as I think I'm something I'm not?
I know that sounds odd.
I get I'm still young but I just can't help feeling that need to be loved and wanted by someone and just for a day to know how of feels to be the most important person in someone's life. I know that sounds selfish but I really can't help feeling that way😢

Dear Gwen,                 28 May 2018

I haven't been officially trans for very long as you can see by my signature at the bottom. I was thinking of you as a woman that has always been a woman. I even think of my self that way.

Back in 1954 I was 14 and working at a boat livery where folks rented fishing boats and rented dock space for their power boats that they used mostly on weekends. There was a very neat and fast boat docked there that I would have given my eye teeth for. It was a Yellow Jacket Boat, oddly enough made right here in Denison, Texas. I worked the late shift so I was there when the owner came to take his boat out. He asked me if I wanted to go for a ride. At 14 I couldn't say no.

Out we went, off to the "speed lanes" where there were no speed limits. That puppy had a big Mercury outboard and was the fastest boat I had ever been in. We buzzed around the lanes hopping waves created by larger and heavier boats. It was exciting for a kid just out of grade school working a summer job before heading to his first year of high school.

On the way back to the boat livery he started telling dirty jokes and then would reach over and grab my willy to see if I had an erection. I kept shoving him away until finally we were back at the dock. His dirty jokes were so crummy they made willy go into his "Turtle Routine." Never saw the guy again until...

Fast forward to 1976. I was now 36 years old and a heck of a lot bigger than in 1954. I was working on computer systems and data transmission. We were having problems with some of the Telco lines being supplied by Ohio Bell Telephone Co. I had phone numbers I could call for Telco line support. Made arrangement to meet their technical rep at a restaurant. Here comes this guy walking towards me. I instantly recognized him as the A-hole that tried to molest me. It was now 22 years since the incident. He looked at me trying to remember something though I don't think he figured out where he might have encountered me in the past. One changes a lot from 14 to 36. I think I still have his Bell business card here somewhere. If I ever go back to Ohio and remember to look him up, I'm going to try and see him in a public place so I can remind him publicly what a scumbag he really is.

I'm sure he abused many young boys and the boat was his bait.

I know this doesn't fit the narrative but I thought I'd post it before it recedes into my long ago memories. If I had a child and someone did that to him or her, I would rehabilitate them in a way they would never offend again.

I hope you receive the help you need and want. You will find a lot here and in therapy. God speed your trip.

Best Always, Love,
Christine

Quote from: gwencook on May 28, 2018, 08:31:42 PM
or am I not finding love because I think I'm female when I'm not

If you are not female, then you are cis male.  And cis people almost never think about their gender.  They certainly don't persistently visualize themsalves as the opposite gender.  That in itself is enough to be convincing that you are trans female.