Has anyone done this? Thought about doing this?

I feel like other than staying put temporarily to save money, get my transition started, and then get out, there is absolutely no reason for me to stay where I am and maintain contact with anyone.

My dad and one of my best friends just think I'm mentally ill (disgusting and disappointing to them). My other best friend thinks gender is 100% a social construct so it's all in my head. My relationship with my partner is roasted.

It's literally taking everything out of me to go through with transitioning, and I'm met with nothing but invalidation (or being stone cold ignored) by everyone.

I haven't come out at work yet. Maybe I shouldn't, and simply spare myself the agony. Maybe I should bank all the cash I can, get all of my documents changed, and disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Being rejected by everyone, disappointing and disgusting them for being myself isn't helping me. Everyone around me would rather have me miserable, hold on to all of my old baggage, and be this person I'm not because it's familiar to them.

If I didn't donate money to an animal shelter, I feel like my life would matter to no one (but myself). I feel like there's no point in trying to start a new life for myself here because I am met with such an insane amount of resistance. And I'd be forever stuck with the stigma of being that pathetic mentally ill leper that nobody really wants to talk to. How and why should I continue being vulnerable around these people if this is what they think of me?

I'm not going to kill myself. But I'd have a lot more to gain by pulling a Houdini when the time is right. I have marketable skills. I have packed up and moved cross-country on a whim before, and I've left relationships with nothing but the clothes on my back. I can do it again and persevere.

I live in a backwater dump that is so full of racist/homophobic/everythingphobic people. It's so enmeshed in the culture, it's horrifying. I could just move to a state that would let me put an X on my driver's license. That would be amazing.

I am so angry with everyone in my life. No one has asked if I'm okay. No one.

I am seriously questioning if leaving would just be better for me.

Big hug! First things first, I  hope you're OK. Second things second, screw all those people. You're doing it for you, not them, right? Third, count what you have, not what you don't. What makes you happy?

Hugs, Devlyn

"Maybe I should bank all the cash I can, get all of my documents changed, and disappear in a cloud of smoke."

I am not so sure about the cloud of smoke, but the rest sounds about right. That is what l did almost 50 years ago, and it worked out very well. I trusted my own understanding of who l was and took responsibility for doing those things which needed doing in order for me to live my life as the accomplished woman that I am.
Seeking the approval of others seems like a fools errand to me. Especially when those offering that advice or approval might not even be where you need/want to be.

Hello Blackcat
I'm very sorry that you feel this way trapped where you're at.
the unacceptance you're getting there does seem a bit overwhelming.
No one can really answer this but you, but I would suggest you take a few days off to think about this. Is it possible you could tone down your appearance enough to slip by? Or is all hope lost where you're presently at.
I once lived near Detroit but found the urban life overwhelming and had to move to a more natural life up in the U P of Michigan.
I am now so happy I moved here I wouldn't move back for anything.
If you're going to stay where you're at tone down and try to squeak by as best you can.
But if you must move I would suggest a total change like moving into a natural environment. This really helped me I hope it can do the same for you.  love Tatiana

I hope you are okay in yourself. Sounds like those around you are making it hard to be okay with yourself. I think it is a stretch to say that those around us don't affect how we see ourselves. It sounds quite reasonable to leave the negative behind and seek a place where you can build your life with  supportive people. I have done this in my life and the result was a little unsettling to start with, but amazing in the long run. I think do it as soon as you can so you can start rebuilding a better place for yourself. Why compromise who you are for people who don't appreciate you.  Moni

Hi Blackcat,

I'm sorry life is treating you so ->-bleeped-<-ty.  As far as picking up and moving somewhere for a fresh start, that is something many, many people do all the time at various stages of life.  You would have a lot of company.  Sounds like you're in a pretty conservative area.  Moving to a more progressive locale might be good for you. Only you can make that call.  But starting anew is a pretty common thing to do.  Whatever you decide, I hope things start picking up for you.

Thanks, everyone. <3

It's a rude awakening because these are the people I was actually counting on to stick by me. My list of authentic supporters has dropped to zero.

It's not that they won't *graciously take time out of their days to entertain me... but they'll follow up with little remarks that indicate they think I'm finally cracking up because of my childhood. And there's a subtext that they thought I was stronger than that, and oh well, life breaks people in all kinds of ways.

It's so massively invalidating.

In some ways, it's worse than outright rejection. No one is kicking me to the curb--it's just endless, head-shaking looks of pity.

I can't realistically move until next year. But trying to maintain relationships with every single person I care about is like throwing myself through the grinder. I don't need to be guilted for transitioning. I don't think they even realize they're guilting me, but...

HOW COOL would it be to meet a complete stranger who just ACCEPTS me?? Or is even enthusiastic about me? Or would stand by my side?

Like letting me stay around despite how I've disappointed everyone is not the context I want to have human relationships in.

I wouldn't mind getting a pet right now, but having to move will complicate that, too.

I really wanted to talk to someone who knows me about changing my name. I can't talk to anyone about that. I have to do it completely alone, and that's heartbreaking. I've gone shopping all dressed up, but no one who knows me has seen me presenting as anything other than AFAB because just *mentioning* the dreaded trans is too much for them.

I would rather leave than be judged.

It is messing with my head to an extent. I wonder objectively if anyone at my work would even care? Maybe coming out would be a non-issue (I honestly think it would be a power move in the long term, because I would be happier, and my presentation would match my style of speaking). But I am knifed because the few people in my life that were really supposed to be my unbreakable pillars of support are unaccepting. All of them. So it makes me terrified to come out to anyone else, and I have burned the last of my psychic fuel reserves in shouldering everyone else's disappointment.

I'd rather start fresh with new people where I don't have to bear the burden of being this massive disappointment... and be constantly compared to the idea of a person I can never be.

I'll get through it. I have way too much to lose, now more than ever. But does this ever suck.

The year in my hometown is 1375. 

This idea has crossed my mind several times. There are two things that keep me here.

1) My kids are too young for me to disappear
2) I love my job and know getting another similar job at this point in time would be... hard.

Therefore at this point in time I stay where I am. I would love to just move to ends of the earth where no one ever heard of me and start over though.

Quote from: blackcat on May 28, 2018, 01:50:45 PM
Has anyone done this? Thought about doing this?

I feel like other than staying put temporarily to save money, get my transition started, and then get out, there is absolutely no reason for me to stay where I am and maintain contact with anyone.

My dad and one of my best friends just think I'm mentally ill (disgusting and disappointing to them). My other best friend thinks gender is 100% a social construct so it's all in my head. My relationship with my partner is roasted.

It's literally taking everything out of me to go through with transitioning, and I'm met with nothing but invalidation (or being stone cold ignored) by everyone.

I haven't come out at work yet. Maybe I shouldn't, and simply spare myself the agony. Maybe I should bank all the cash I can, get all of my documents changed, and disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Being rejected by everyone, disappointing and disgusting them for being myself isn't helping me. Everyone around me would rather have me miserable, hold on to all of my old baggage, and be this person I'm not because it's familiar to them.

If I didn't donate money to an animal shelter, I feel like my life would matter to no one (but myself). I feel like there's no point in trying to start a new life for myself here because I am met with such an insane amount of resistance. And I'd be forever stuck with the stigma of being that pathetic mentally ill leper that nobody really wants to talk to. How and why should I continue being vulnerable around these people if this is what they think of me?

I'm not going to kill myself. But I'd have a lot more to gain by pulling a Houdini when the time is right. I have marketable skills. I have packed up and moved cross-country on a whim before, and I've left relationships with nothing but the clothes on my back. I can do it again and persevere.

I live in a backwater dump that is so full of racist/homophobic/everythingphobic people. It's so enmeshed in the culture, it's horrifying. I could just move to a state that would let me put an X on my driver's license. That would be amazing.

I am so angry with everyone in my life. No one has asked if I'm okay. No one.

I am seriously questioning if leaving would just be better for me.

First and foremost, are you okay?  We here on Susan's Place cares, so don't worry, you're not alone, promise. 

Honestly, when I moved in with my S.O., I inadvertently did just that.  He lives in a different state, so I literally packed up my four cats and my stuff and moved 600 miles away.  Most of the people here don't know me as anything other than male, which is fine by me.  those that DO know are either in one of the support groups I know, or in the case of my S.O,'s family, more or less accept me as male, even if they're having difficulty with pronouncing my name.

So, I say if there's nothing holding you back, why not do it?  It sounds like you should leave, if nothing more than for your own safety and sanity. 

Either way you decide, good luck!

Ryuichi 

Sounds great. If you don't have something tying you down, take the chance and roll the dice. Bet it comes up sevens.

Blackcat,
   It is quite frustrating to have family discount your capabilities. I was the youngest of 5 and didn't see my word carry much weight for the longest time. I was always 'the youngest.' If the area is as backward as you say, the only explanation they might come up with is to call you crazy. It's a 'win win' from their perspective, right, they can tell themselves they aren't being mean to you and still keep their disapproval. You know the truth. If you can't move for a year, you have to stay strong in your truth. Don't let them shake you. Make your plans, it will help you keep your sanity while surrounded by the ignorant. Handle yourself with class. I know there were skeptics when I came out at work. I held firm in what and who I am and after a while, people seemed to accept my new reality. Maybe, what you do now might make some eventually realize that what you said (when you lived nearby) is for real.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on May 30, 2018, 04:59:54 PM
Blackcat,
   It is quite frustrating to have family discount your capabilities. I was the youngest of 5 and didn't see my word carry much weight for the longest time. I was always 'the youngest.' If the area is as backward as you say, the only explanation they might come up with is to call you crazy. It's a 'win win' from their perspective, right, they can tell themselves they aren't being mean to you and still keep their disapproval. You know the truth. If you can't move for a year, you have to stay strong in your truth. Don't let them shake you. Make your plans, it will help you keep your sanity while surrounded by the ignorant. Handle yourself with class. I know there were skeptics when I came out at work. I held firm in what and who I am and after a while, people seemed to accept my new reality. Maybe, what you do now might make some eventually realize that what you said (when you lived nearby) is for real.
Moni

It is frustrating. Apparently my older brother ran a bet with my mother that I'd come home after my first semester at college. Beat him on that one! I got two degrees!

Quote from: samanthabwolfe on May 31, 2018, 11:45:57 PM
It is frustrating. Apparently my older brother ran a bet with my mother that I'd come home after my first semester at college. Beat him on that one! I got two degrees!

You know what I say to that?  BAZINGA!  You showed them both!  EXCELLENT!

Ryuichi

Hi Blackcat,

I hope you're OK. Things can get pretty ->-bleeped-<-ty when you don't have a single person to talk your problems over with.

What you've described is very similar to what I will be doing over the next 3 or 4 months. I'll be moving away to a different city thats a bit more forward thinking than my home-town. I'm hoping to start new with almost everything. Friends, job, house etc. I only have a single friend that I'll be in touch with and my parents aren't keen on my transitioning and I've decided it's best not to be around them while I do so.

I'm looking forward to it for the most part. The only thing I'm hesitant on is the job situation. Part of that comes down to my trade, which is a truck driver, but I'm hoping to start working with a larger company that will also be a bit more forward thinking in their approach to employees.