This may not seem like much but it was a small part of me that made me feel slightly more manly. I had been growing out my legs and had finally struck up the confidence to wear shorts outside yesterday and I even passed but my mum corrected them saying I was a girl, they then proceeded to give me weird looks until they left. I have to go to a wedding on Saturday and Ive been forced to be a 'bridesmaid' I have to wear a dress and high heels and that's why my mum made me shave my legs. I can't believe she actually did that and it feels like a part of me that I felt okay with has been stripped away. The only reason I'm being a bridesmaid is because I didn't want to disappoint my soon to be aunt as I know how much time, effort and money she spent on the bridesmaids I'm just really upset and angry.

Quote from: erintilly14 on May 31, 2018, 04:58:27 PM
This may not seem like much but it was a small part of me that made me feel slightly more manly. I had been growing out my legs and had finally struck up the confidence to wear shorts outside yesterday and I even passed but my mum corrected them saying I was a girl, they then proceeded to give me weird looks until they left. I have to go to a wedding on Saturday and Ive been forced to be a 'bridesmaid' I have to wear a dress and high heels and that's why my mum made me shave my legs. I can't believe she actually did that and it feels like a part of me that I felt okay with has been stripped away. The only reason I'm being a bridesmaid is because I didn't want to disappoint my soon to be aunt as I know how much time, effort and money she spent on the bridesmaids I'm just really upset and angry.

Erintilly14:   I will have to take sides with your mother on this issue that as you described it. 
Just imagine other guests seeing you in female mode wearing a pretty bridesmaid dress and high heels and you WITH HAIRY LEGS....   certainly not the thing to do at your soon to be aunt's wedding or anyone else's wedding for that matter.
Find a way to bear with your indignity for your family's sake.... and this is not worth getting angry and upset over....  perhaps upset, but certainly NOT angry.  During transition there are always some setbacks and disappointments but particularly with family members there are some of these kinds of things that we have to deal with and participate in.

Good luck at the wedding, while there, stay calm and be agreeable to those that you are among.... you do not want to be the one that everyone remembers that spoiled the wedding.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on May 31, 2018, 05:06:50 PM
Erintilly14:   I will have to take sides with your mother on this issue that as you described it. 
Just imagine other guests seeing you in female mode wearing a pretty bridesmaid dress and high heels and you WITH HAIRY LEGS....   certainly not the thing to do at your soon to be aunt's wedding or anyone else's wedding for that matter.
Find a way to bear with your indignity for your family's sake.... and this is not worth getting angry and upset over....  perhaps upset, but certainly NOT angry.  During transition there are always some setbacks and disappointments but particularly with family members there are some of these kinds of things that we have to deal with and participate in.

Good luck at the wedding, while there, stay calm and be agreeable to those that you are among.... you do not want to be the one that everyone remembers that spoiled the wedding.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

I understand this but that's not the case. My mum used this as a reason to get me to shave my legs despite the dress being long. My legs can't even be seen with the dress on.

Well, it'll grow back at least.

body hair is natural for both sexes.  I'd be pissed no matter what gender you were, that's an unfair and frankly unhealthy expectation to place on you.  under no circumstances was it right for her to do that, especially knowing she most likely just used it as an excuse to enforce gender roles on someone she saw as not living up to her personal idea of them.  I don't want to get too far out of line, so I'll end it there, but I feel for you and you have every right to be mad or upset over this.  your feelings are valid and something like leg hair would certainly not ruin a wedding.  it may be your aunt's special day, but everyone attending and especially those expected to participate should be treated with respect as they should at any other time, as well.  I am sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope that as time goes on and you get older with more freedom to be your own person, things get better for you.  hang in there, and if there are any other little things you can do or have to make you feel even a little bit better in the meantime, hold on to them.

I'm so sorry your mom is at odds with you, and I would feel the same way if someone made me do something to my body that felt invalidating.

Idea for the future/creative compromise: you could wear stockings.

If you are living under your parents' roof, and especially if you are under 18, some of these things are going to be tough. Even as an adult, there was a time when I had to move back in with my dad after I had an injury, and there were simply some things I had to deal with because his rules/his house (that was before I realized I was trans ). The flip side is, it can motivate you to plan your future situation and figure out how to become more independent. It can motivate you to be successful. Anger and frustration CAN be temporarily useful, if you channel them into creating positive, productive changes for yourself.

If you're still in school, focus all of your frustration into being the best you can be, so when the time comes to leave, you have as many options for success available to you as possible. I haven't come out at my job yet, but I made a point of kicking my performance up to the next level once I realized I had to transition, because I NEED my job and want to keep it. I got a surprise raise without asking.

The good news is it's hair and it will grow back... pretty quickly. My guess is your mom really has no concept of how hurt and rejected that can make you feel, because she doesn't understand what it's like to have those trans feelings of conflict. She's probably scared for your well-being, too. I'm sure every parent wants their kids to grow up "normal," and never be bullied, never have to deal with any risks (being trans comes with a lot of social adversity), etc.

My dad means well, but still says things sometimes that make me get so angry I never want to see him again. Then I remember that it's coming from a place of love (no matter how ridiculous or hurtful it comes across), and that's enough for me to remember to calm down.

My advice would be to think about the long-term picture and choose your battles wisely. What are your goals? What kind of relationship do you want to have with your parents? Are they paying for your education?

Can you open up communication with your parents? Are they completely closed off? Might they come around with time?

Is therapy an option for you?

It hurts more than anything some days, and it's okay to feel that way. Do what you need to do to let it all out, and then dust yourself off, and work at being the best version of yourself you can possibly be. That's something no one can take away from you.

And also, depending on the family, sometimes weddings are a *HUGE* deal. I work with a lot of brides and bridal parties in my profession. My family doesn't have that culture, but if this was one of those "big deal" weddings, I wouldn't take this incident as personally. I have seen grown women get into raging fights over types of shoes and nail polish colors. People just get nuts about wedding sometimes and if this was a one-off situation, I'd chalk it up to wedding madness.

Quote from: blackcat on May 31, 2018, 08:47:10 PM
I'm so sorry your mom is at odds with you, and I would feel the same way if someone made me do something to my body that felt invalidating.

Idea for the future/creative compromise: you could wear stockings.

If you are living under your parents' roof, and especially if you are under 18, some of these things are going to be tough. Even as an adult, there was a time when I had to move back in with my dad after I had an injury, and there were simply some things I had to deal with because his rules/his house (that was before I realized I was trans ). The flip side is, it can motivate you to plan your future situation and figure out how to become more independent. It can motivate you to be successful. Anger and frustration CAN be temporarily useful, if you channel them into creating positive, productive changes for yourself.

If you're still in school, focus all of your frustration into being the best you can be, so when the time comes to leave, you have as many options for success available to you as possible. I haven't come out at my job yet, but I made a point of kicking my performance up to the next level once I realized I had to transition, because I NEED my job and want to keep it. I got a surprise raise without asking.

The good news is it's hair and it will grow back... pretty quickly. My guess is your mom really has no concept of how hurt and rejected that can make you feel, because she doesn't understand what it's like to have those trans feelings of conflict. She's probably scared for your well-being, too. I'm sure every parent wants their kids to grow up "normal," and never be bullied, never have to deal with any risks (being trans comes with a lot of social adversity), etc.

My dad means well, but still says things sometimes that make me get so angry I never want to see him again. Then I remember that it's coming from a place of love (no matter how ridiculous or hurtful it comes across), and that's enough for me to remember to calm down.

My advice would be to think about the long-term picture and choose your battles wisely. What are your goals? What kind of relationship do you want to have with your parents? Are they paying for your education?

Can you open up communication with your parents? Are they completely closed off? Might they come around with time?

Is therapy an option for you?

It hurts more than anything some days, and it's okay to feel that way. Do what you need to do to let it all out, and then dust yourself off, and work at being the best version of yourself you can possibly be. That's something no one can take away from you.

And also, depending on the family, sometimes weddings are a *HUGE* deal. I work with a lot of brides and bridal parties in my profession. My family doesn't have that culture, but if this was one of those "big deal" weddings, I wouldn't take this incident as personally. I have seen grown women get into raging fights over types of shoes and nail polish colors. People just get nuts about wedding sometimes and if this was a one-off situation, I'd chalk it up to wedding madness.

I agree with much of this to some degree.  Sometimes, you do stuff for those that you love.  It sounds like you care about your soon-to-be aunt, and even though it might have been just as fine to wear stockings, you also don't want your future aunt to hate you for "ruining her day."  Family is important, but so are your feelings.  Compromise is sometimes the way to go in order to keep the peace, especially if you're still living at home or your folks are paying for your schooling. 

Maybe next time something like this comes up, you can find a compromise, especially if you haven't started transitioning yet, or come out to your family yet.  If you're young, maybe cut your hair or wear more male clothes to show that you're on your way.  Hopefully they'll get the idea. 

If they don't, then maybe its time to have "The Talk" with them.  Explain that this is "NOT a phase," and whatever else you need to say in order for them to get the point.

Good luck bro.

Ryuichi

I went through a similar experience, my mother forced me to shave my legs a couple years back (like she actually took my leg and shaved it herself) and I felt so hurt I cried. Dont worry though, this will pass and one day you will be able to wear your manly bodyhair proudly!!

I'm reading this a little later but wanted to add a little. There is some really great advice to help you here. I think I understand that you are a youth living as a person beginning transition from ftm. It's really important right now to have some friends, either online or around you, whom you can talk to and support you. I am sorry that you don't really have the support from your family and feel for you. I would also advise to not give up on letting them understand how you are feeling. These feelings can escalate to isolation and sadness if you don't have some kind of support around you. You are in a situation where you need to live by the rules of your family; no matter how you are feeling, it is something you don't have a choice in until you are older and independent. The best you can do is to never give up on them in letting them understand how strongly you feel in this. We had an aunt in our family whom we loved that does not understand to this day but we did sit down and talk openly about this for many months and over time, she has tried. Love does go both ways. While not everyone is going to understand and it can take some time, don't give up hope on that or them.

It will take some patience and tolerance on your end as well. I think this incident will not be the only one that can really frustrate you. Just don't lose hope but most important, have a friend or two whom you can vent your frustration and the feeling you rightly have at your own struggles with your family. These are valid feelings for you and need to be held important as well.

I wish there were easy answers for this but they are not so simple while you are still dependent. You have a lot of people here whom can understand-it's the only answer that will help you in the moments when you feel sort of helpless to control things in your life.