I am just at a stand still as far as being able to move forward with transition.  I mean, I am on HRT, but I cannot come out to more of my family, and in fact i have to go deeper under cover for a family event in the Fall of this year.  I often feel very alone, and depressed. I also have a lot of Dysphoria.

When I am out and about one thing that helps is to just brush my arm up against my bosom.  I sneak a feel of my boobs and then I feel a boost, I even catch myself smiling....you know like in Monty Python... she smiled quietly to herself!  But really this is so important to my mental health!   I guess I am just checking in wioth all you ladies out there to see if this happens to you as well?  Are there other things that give you a boost enough to keep going?

Love you all Hugs and kisses!  Marcie

Quote from: Marcieelizabeth on June 07, 2018, 12:35:58 PM
I am just at a stand still as far as being able to move forward with transition.  I mean, I am on HRT, but I cannot come out to more of my family, and in fact i have to go deeper under cover for a family event in the Fall of this year.  I often feel very alone, and depressed. I also have a lot of Dysphoria.

When I am out and about one thing that helps is to just brush my arm up against my bosom.  I sneak a feel of my boobs and then I feel a boost, I even catch myself smiling....you know like in Monty Python... she smiled quietly to herself!  But really this is so important to my mental health!   I guess I am just checking in wioth all you ladies out there to see if this happens to you as well?  Are there other things that give you a boost enough to keep going?

Love you all Hugs and kisses!  Marcie

Dear Marcie:   Please know that you are NOT alone with your feelings as you described them. 
Rest assured that as you continue with your HRT and you also refine your appearance and your mannerisms you will start experiencing fewer moments like this.

Please know that usually nothing happens very fast with HRT.   As you read others posting here you will see that for some HRT may work rather quickly with significant body changes....   and for others, HRT may work more slowly with less significant body changes.    Every BODY reacts in it's own way and in it's own time to HRT... it is up to your body and your genetics.   One thing is for sure, HRT will eventually do what it's going to do, so hang in there and be PATIENT....    Patience is required for sure.   Nothing happens as fast as we all desire, our human nature says to us...
   "I want it ALL and I want it NOW"

Again Marcie, continue reporting on your HRT trials and tribulations... and your progress and successes as you feel comfortable doing.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hi!

I've been there; it's not easy. I felt like my ability to progress was tied up for a few years. I wanted surgeries, but couldn't afford them. I kept telling myself it was what I needed to move forward.

I wasn't comfortable with coming out at work (I telecommute), so I didn't. I only just did that recently, and I started my transition years ago. I was able to come out to all of my family, with my mom's "help" of course - she outed me. It was kinda crappy, but I think she meant well at the time.

I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, but having an advocate was probably the biggest help you'll find in moving forward - it took me a very long time to realize this. My mom has been helpful over the years, but my wife was by far my biggest advocate. Our marriage fell apart, but we remained best friends after; she was always there. If you can find someone who supports you wholeheartedly, don't try to go it alone; lean on them for support and ask them to push you to move forward. Being stuck sucks and it can get really depressing.

I'd also recommend ripping off the bandaid and telling your family. You might be seriously surprised. I wish I'd told people sooner. Their reactions may be a surprise too (in a good way). It seemed like everyone I thought would be for me was against me, and everyone who I thought would be against me was for me. It's a good way of cutting through all the BS; those who are going to support you are going to support you and those who won't either end up not supporting you or just needing time to take it all in (sometimes a long time). In my opinion, it's better to give them that time early and find advocates and support anywhere you can find it early.

Sorry for the rant; I hope its somewhat helpful though.

Jillian


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I feel the same way. I can understand the comfort in knowing "at least breasts are there". I just feel like I'm trying to convince myself first that this isn't just how I feel but who I am. Convincing others... well I don't think I'm there yet and it's just a lot harder.
I had a guy who approached me and asked me out later ask if I'm "trans or a fem gay guy"  that stung and hurt me a bit. Okay, maybe more than a bit because he didn't even say sorry after I explained that I don't identify as a "guy" in any way.
I wish I knew what to say that directly speaks to your experience. I just want you to know I feel your pain also

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Hi Marcie,

I share much of your  frustration.  I am out to my wife largely thanks to a random remark that suddenly brought things into focus for me.  However, although she will tolerate my dressing she is not supportive of transition.  I am out to two friends.  I am using low dose herbal estrogen and am on finesteride (that was started due to prostate issues).  The result is that I am developing breasts reasonably well.  It has taken approximately 8 months.

I have chosen to not come out at work even though as a state employee I am protected.  However, it would mean dealing with many clients that are not going to be supportive.   What I have done is let my hair grow out, still trying to decide on a style that I like.  It is very curly starting about half way down and I love the curls. 

I have noticed changes in my thinking.  I am less competative and certainly less aggressive.  I am also jealous of the other women and their freedom to wear what they want. 

Dysphoria is a thing that is an ebb and flow.  Some days I don't even think about it (much), often by being busy or keeping busy.  Other days it is really intrusive.  I too like to feel my breasts and drive time is a great time for this. 

So, this is the long way of saying that you are not the only person feeling this.  The idea of a mentor or some other advocate makes a lot of sense.  You might also consider seeing a therapist who at the least is trans friendly.  And of course you have support here.  Susan's is unbelievably supportive.

Sounds very familiar.
I stopped being competitive about 2 years ago prior to even understanding what was happening.
Some days I think what the heck am I doing this will never work. Then later on that day I just get over it and take it day by day.  Sucks doesn't it?  You aren't alone though.

Quote from: Jill E on June 07, 2018, 01:18:00 PM
Hi!

I've been there; it's not easy. I felt like my ability to progress was tied up for a few years. I wanted surgeries, but couldn't afford them. I kept telling myself it was what I needed to move forward.

I wasn't comfortable with coming out at work (I telecommute), so I didn't. I only just did that recently, and I started my transition years ago. I was able to come out to all of my family, with my mom's "help" of course - she outed me. It was kinda crappy, but I think she meant well at the time.

I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, but having an advocate was probably the biggest help you'll find in moving forward - it took me a very long time to realize this. My mom has been helpful over the years, but my wife was by far my biggest advocate. Our marriage fell apart, but we remained best friends after; she was always there. If you can find someone who supports you wholeheartedly, don't try to go it alone; lean on them for support and ask them to push you to move forward. Being stuck sucks and it can get really depressing.

I'd also recommend ripping off the bandaid and telling your family. You might be seriously surprised. I wish I'd told people sooner. Their reactions may be a surprise too (in a good way). It seemed like everyone I thought would be for me was against me, and everyone who I thought would be against me was for me. It's a good way of cutting through all the BS; those who are going to support you are going to support you and those who won't either end up not supporting you or just needing time to take it all in (sometimes a long time). In my opinion, it's better to give them that time early and find advocates and support anywhere you can find it early.

Sorry for the rant; I hope its somewhat helpful though.

Jillian


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Thank You so MUCH Jillian I have two very good MTF friends who help me tremendously, but as you say, they are not MY advocate, because they are dealing with the same things I am although at different points in the timeline so to speak.  My wife and I are still figuring it out.  She loves me, but just is not sure if she can be seen as loving a woman, I know that sounds shallow, but I get it!  I mean this is BIG, and difficult to fathom let alone except for her.  For me once I figured it out deciding what I had to do was not a choice, but for her it is.  I wish I could find an advocate that put me first in this, but it is a hard thing to do.  Thank You though, you are right about that - an advocate is what I need to cheer me on, and be there when it is tough, and listen, and understand! Love and Hugs, Marcie

Quote from: Briah on June 08, 2018, 09:32:37 AM
Hi Marcie,

I share much of your  frustration.  I am out to my wife largely thanks to a random remark that suddenly brought things into focus for me.  However, although she will tolerate my dressing she is not supportive of transition.  I am out to two friends.  I am using low dose herbal estrogen and am on finesteride (that was started due to prostate issues).  The result is that I am developing breasts reasonably well.  It has taken approximately 8 months.

I have chosen to not come out at work even though as a state employee I am protected.  However, it would mean dealing with many clients that are not going to be supportive.   What I have done is let my hair grow out, still trying to decide on a style that I like.  It is very curly starting about half way down and I love the curls. 

I have noticed changes in my thinking.  I am less competative and certainly less aggressive.  I am also jealous of the other women and their freedom to wear what they want. 

Dysphoria is a thing that is an ebb and flow.  Some days I don't even think about it (much), often by being busy or keeping busy.  Other days it is really intrusive.  I too like to feel my breasts and drive time is a great time for this. 

So, this is the long way of saying that you are not the only person feeling this.  The idea of a mentor or some other advocate makes a lot of sense.  You might also consider seeing a therapist who at the least is trans friendly.  And of course you have support here.  Susan's is unbelievably supportive.

Sounds like we are in such a similar situation Briah!  it is so difficult!  I see a therapist every other week, and they are trans FTM so that is so helpful!  But in the end each of us has our own demons and difficulties to deal with, right?  I wish I did not have them and could just be me! 


Lately I have been Ebbing, and not flowing!  But really I do not even know its dysphoria until I think about it - I just feel depressed.  It is so hard to be where we are!!  I just want to be loved for who I am by someone special, right now I am being told I am loved, but actions are so depressed due to my wife's fears and prejudices that I just have lip service when it comes to that.

I am still competitive in many ways, but I find myself thinking more about others feelings, something I now realize I did not do much as a guy!  I am really happy for the changes I am feeling, the Estradiol is helping my boobs to grow, and my skin to change, other changes I am told are happening, but I DO NOT RECOGNIZE THEM!

Thank you for your sweet and supportive reply!  Love and hugs, Marcie

Quote from: Allison S on June 08, 2018, 12:35:18 AM
I feel the same way. I can understand the comfort in knowing "at least breasts are there". I just feel like I'm trying to convince myself first that this isn't just how I feel but who I am. Convincing others... well I don't think I'm there yet and it's just a lot harder.
I had a guy who approached me and asked me out later ask if I'm "trans or a fem gay guy"  that stung and hurt me a bit. Okay, maybe more than a bit because he didn't even say sorry after I explained that I don't identify as a "guy" in any way.
I wish I knew what to say that directly speaks to your experience. I just want you to know I feel your pain also

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Hi Allison, you are so often replying to my posts - Thank You!  You are right about not knowing how to tell others.  And also no one can tell us how to feel when we are misgendered, or worse bullied about our transition.  I really need the little things right now and even though my boobs are not as little as they were, it is the one change that gives me a lift in my spirit. 

Lets PM soon and I can maybe explain my situation a little more in detail? 

Love and Hugs, Marcie

Quote from: Marcieelizabeth on June 13, 2018, 08:16:25 AM
Hi Allison, you are so often replying to my posts - Thank You!  You are right about not knowing how to tell others.  And also no one can tell us how to feel when we are misgendered, or worse bullied about our transition.  I really need the little things right now and even though my boobs are not as little as they were, it is the one change that gives me a lift in my spirit. 

Lets PM soon and I can maybe explain my situation a little more in detail? 

Love and Hugs, Marcie

Hi! Oh am I? I haven't noticed I usually reply to posts that resonate with me, especially with what I'm going through... It definitely sounds like we're at very similar points in our transition. Please feel free to PM me whenever to vent any frusrations and share any joys and achievements. I love positive experiences too [emoji4]

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