I need to vent beciase although I had a good day overall, i had a bit of a breakdown about an hour or two ago, and yes it was self esteem related. I'm not going to lie I am wondering at times why I was born. I can try and see the good in my life, but so far the only thing I am truly happy about is my estrogen and some great friends.. plus my sister and mom when I don't have my nasty resent towards her (made post over that yesterday). I am so greatful for coming out and starting this joinrey, but at the same time so much has came to hurt me and it isn't fair and isn't my fault. It's near impossible to find a job these days and yes, being being trans is probably the case as it was the case for me being tossed away at one. I have had to deal with droves of former "friends" abandoning me not too long after my transition, "carin family" taunting, mocking and gossiping about me as well as making me self critical. I have lost slot of people in these past 4 years.

All that stuff in addition to getting to deal with both past truama and still dealing with dysphoira. I won't lie there are days where I wonder. Had I stayed as a male I would probably have offd myself, or be so drunk right now I wouldn't even be able to type coherently. Still, i also wouldn't be able to feel all this other pain beciase back then there was no possibility of seeing a future. I felt dead and lost all the time. Now on the journey I have had to process a lot of things, but sometimes it seems too much. I have no plans to stop what I'm doing but it still seems like a lot. I just wish life would throw me a bone

All I have to say is keep it up and try to make yourself content. we are our own worse critics. It is hard! We are here dealing with this world weather we like it or not. So I think take a breath! Know that ultimately nothing is wrong with you. you are who you are and who is to judge that. Because they don't know they are not you. So make the best out of life! I think its the only shot we have! Focus on whats great about you! Stay around people that are positive and who you want to be like!

You are right its not fair.  There are many things in life that aren't fair:  Childhood cancer.. alzheimers.. Being born in a family with a child predator for brother & father.. Being trans.

They all suck.  LOTS of things in life suck.

However, there are also good points to it.  If you can hold onto the good images, and not focus on all the bad that goes on, I think it helps.  There will always be down days.. sometimes down weeks, or worse.  "Coping skills" the buzzword that psychologists love so much, is still true.   It really helps to look at positive things in life instead of all that goes wrong.. because there certainly is a lot of that out there too. 

Many have been through this.. through worse, through better.   Your struggle is unique to you, but it still makes it notable.  Know that many here are feeling very similar, and also rooting for you. 

Thank you blth! I needed that

I'm actually embarrassed I made this rambling post now. I am much calmer then inwas when I posted it. Still you're both right. Something will get better, I shouldn't give up on anything. And well I'm not planning too.. I have a possible opportunity to get my dream job and find outntueaday, and the place I am staying is not going anytime soon (roommate isn't insane as one of mtnlast ones was and they are not moving either, as my latest one is.. gonna miss her). There is a lot of good and to keep swinging for butna times I do feel that burn out

No worries we all need to talk about suff! It helps so much once you get it out in the open!

Neither is depersonalisation or derealisation. They are not fair. They remove any sense of reality from a situation and make it dull. Best day ever. Dull. Worst day ever. Dull. Emotional flatlines and a never ending suite of groundhog days.

You've learned a lot over the last 4 years - that some folk are conditional; that some will proclaim support and be found lacking. That change is inevitable, it's just how you choose to roll with it that affects the outcome.

That your value of yourself is important - a lesson that I seem to find enormous difficulty with.

And so you come to Susan's. Home. Safety. Where you subconsciously feel safe, and able to fully express yourself. And you do. And then feel that you can manage it. You can do this, you are a strong capable young woman.

I really like your tone change on your second post. Over the short time your attitude and Hope seems like it really improved. Time sure works well to reduce all this anxiety that you had that is now much Lower.

Everyone has good and bad days were only mortal trans or not.
Sure being trans does create a whole new list of issues that cis people do not experience.
Use all of the bad to make you stronger not more timid.
I know your last four years has been a rollercoaster but you have proved you can do it and that's something to be proud about.

all the best for your hopes about the future my friend.   love Tatiana

Sailor Once we realize we don't have a problem, they do, things get easier.
Think of the courage you must have to even think about coming out. It's not a decision made lightly. I spent most of my long life in the closet because I worried what everyone else might think. Don't ever give another consideration of offing yourself as that will not solve anything.
Blind them with science, facts and information. Show them their fears are unfounded as you are as human as they are. And since we are all made in Gods image. How can we be wrong to acknowledge the fact we were born with female brains or enough influence from estrogen that we tend not to acknowledge our manliness. As to jobs? There are many online courses where you can learn to set yourself apart from the others by being more knowledgeable and skilled.. I recently learned Python programming. I am not great at it yet, but I do know enough to be dangerous, Many of these courses are free. Here is a list of free training sites. https://www.entrepreneur.com/article/250323   The best is MIT online as it is a clone of courses offered at MIT in the last few years. There is a wealth of research sources available and you can get certification for completing the class.  Once you have the skills to set yourself apart from other job seekers. That's the problem with a low skill job. Everyone is in the same pool as you so there is nothing other than your gender decision to set you apart. If you can influence the bottom line then your value to the boss elevates exponentially. The other essential is a good attitude.  https://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=transgender&l=United%20States&vjk=92175e353a88de21

Look for companies that have something like this in their job presentation, 
In keeping with the Company's commitment to the communities in which it does business, we are an equal opportunity employer. This means that to the fullest extent required by local law, employment decisions are based on merit and business needs and not on race, color, citizenship status, national origin, ancestry, sex, gender (which state law may define to include gender identity/expression, transgender identity, pregnancy, childbirth or related medical condition, and gender stereotyping), sexual orientation, age,

Thanks everyone! Idk it's just so hard. I am probably mildly bi polar or mildly BDP. Looking back since Tuesday I went to bed ok, had a super Wednesday, had a rocky Thursday that turned into a mental episode, a weird dream over night but andecent Friday where I felt like I did Wednesday but still have some left overs of thursdays isssues, a good morning yestarday that turned into a horrible night and then today has just been horrid.

Thanks for work links!!