Nicole

Great idea to have a thread where we can let go of whatevers on our minds.

There have been some great threads on here about the struggles we all face in one form or another but a general dumping ground will 'fly'.

I have already read a couple of replies to thread that resonate with me.  The dysphoria and the constant doubt that I'll ever get to be a passable woman and the need to be part of something especially struck a chord. I have not come out apart from on here so getting advice or to meet other trans girls or even just vent about some of the things that get me down or questions that I can't ask on every day life.

I'm so lucky though that I signed up to Susan's. I read about the progress girls are making despite the struggles and it gives me inspiration to keep on that road. I don't reply to many threads as I don't want to look like a desperado but I do listen intently and smile at the triumphs and feel the pain of the struggles of others.

I'm here if anyone needs to offload about anything at all - others have offered their support to me - be strong and safe. Strange as it sounds I get kinda euphoric  just being able to write about my fears thoughts and experiences even if they're not all positive.

Ifeel like I've just went all over the place n made no sense now.

Megan x

snipped:

Quote from: CallmeMegan on June 11, 2018, 11:32:09 AM

Strange as it sounds I get kinda euphoric  just being able to write about my fears thoughts and experiences even if they're not all positive.

Megan x

@CallmeMegan
Dear Megan:  No, it is not strange to feel euphoric regarding writing about your feelings.
I am a firm believer in keeping a personal pen and paper journal complete with doodling.   I have kept a personal journal since my teenhood.  In it I write down my disappointments, my failures, my  frustrations... and also about my sucesses.  Just writing to myself allows me to work out things in my mind and my life.  I can ponder my most personal life issues and try to determine the possible solutions. 

I find that my personal journal is very good therapy and helps me a lot.  I also find that when I am feeling melancholy and have the time, I will sit down in a comfy chair and read over my various writings....  again, that is very therapeutic to recap my life's jouney from what I have written to myself.

For a little less personal stuff, writing about those issues on the various threads and Forums here and sharing with other like-minded members ... and thus allowing them to share their support and encouragement back to you is always good therapy as well..

Thank you for posting your thoughts here on Nicole's "R U OK?" thread for all of us to read.

Wishing you well.
Hugs,
Danielle

This is an excellent thread. Sometimes you just want to be heard.

I'm doing ok today but the last 3 or 4 days were really tough emotionally. I'm recovering from surgery and getting used to my new look and my new life so a lot of doubts and fears came to the surface again. I covered most of it in my own thread (Charlie Nicki's diary). Today I'm feeling better and I really hope this positive feeling stays and gets bigger. Feeling depressed, lonely and scared is not pretty.

@Charlie Nicki

First up well done on going through the surgery and I hope that you find the changes to your appearance will also help to change the depressing feelings to more positive ones. Although I am in the very early stages of my own transitioning I have already gone through a lot of highs and even more lows. 

I have though found the support of all on here to be a great help as I feel isolated quite a lot of the time.

Good luck with the recovery.

Megan x

Quote from: CallmeMegan on June 11, 2018, 12:50:12 PM
@Charlie Nicki

First up well done on going through the surgery and I hope that you find the changes to your appearance will also help to change the depressing feelings to more positive ones. Although I am in the very early stages of my own transitioning I have already gone through a lot of highs and even more lows. 

I have though found the support of all on here to be a great help as I feel isolated quite a lot of the time.

Good luck with the recovery.

Megan x

Hey Megan! Thanks for your message. Yeah hopefully I'll feel better and better as days goes by.

About your situation, transitioning is definitely an emotional rollercoaster and estrogen makes us even more susceptible to crying and getting depressed. I'm glad you're enjoying the forum, it is definitely a great place and a big support for all of us.

Hugs!

Wow, I have just caught up, being on the other side of the World means i'm asleep while most posters are awake.

I'm so glad this thread is useful, I agree with what has been said about sharing being good therapy, I'm not the worlds best poster, I have bottled my feelings up for a lifetime so it's taking some getting used to being free to express myself without filtering.

@Allison S

Quote from: Allison S on June 11, 2018, 09:26:49 AM

Really? I never thought of it like that.

Hi Allison, I didn't mean to offend, I was relating to my own insecurities dating and missed the mark a bit.

@Charlie Nicki

Good luck with the recovery from your operation, hope you continue to feel better as the days continue.

@CallmeMegan

Hi Megan, Thank you for your support on the thread, I'm glad it is already helping you, I can also identify with what some are going through it's good to know we are not alone in our journeys, I'm also very glad I found Susan's.

@Alaskan Danielle

Hi Danielle, Thank you for your support, i'm glad you feel this thread was a good idea, I hope it allows anyone to let out what they are feeling and get some positive support, or at least know they are not alone. I'm also following your thread on positive mindset and find it very helpful 

Quote from: Eryn T on June 11, 2018, 07:44:10 AM
Kind of like a venting, but also comforting since people read it thread? I hope i'm doing this right.

Hi Erin, I don't think there is a right or wrong way, just say what you feel like saying, i'm glad shared, thank you 


Thanks to everyone for sharing, and there kind words of support.

Hugs

Nicole

I think this is a great thread. Everyone needs to vent now and then. Not sure how this will sound cause I feel kinda ridiculous for feeling like this but, recent situations have left the wife and I alone in the home so I get some long needed time to express myself. It's been going great! FYI I'm not out to anyone but her and my gender therapist. So I have been pretty excited did some shopping and was planning on leaving the house and going dressed to my next therapy session since I know it's a safe place to do so. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but in my head I worked it up as a big step OUT. Got all new everything head to toe. Shaved and started doing my makeup which I haven't had a chance to do in many years. I just didn't like the way it was looking and I washed it off and I am now in this slump. Wife noticed right away and told me not to get frustrated it will come in time and offered to help. For some reason it's really got me doubting that it's even possible for me to ever be me. I know it's ridiculous to react this way and that I have a lot to learn. So that being said I just want this to pass so I can get back to being happy like I was earlier.

Hey FindingMe

Although you may feel a bit down about the setback with the make up think about the huge positives that you have achieved so far. You have a supportive wife and you have a supportive therapist. You have also found the will to go out as YOU even if you didn't quite make it over the door.

I'm sure that with a little practice and even some tips from your wife that you'll soon be an expert and be able to go out looking how you want and feeling great. I don't get much opportunity to put on make up but I do try to get better every time that I do and now I can get the lipstick looking good but the eye shadow leaves me looking like a clown 

Good luck and be proud of what you have achieved so far.

Megan x

Thanks Megan you are right, I actually started feeling better right after posting and was back at it messing up my face trying to duplicate a YouTube video. Lol they make it look so easy

Quote from: Nicole70 on June 10, 2018, 10:30:55 PM
I've struggled with really bad dysphoria over the past couple of weeks, my transition is progressing ok and I am happy about that but it doesn't distract too much from the feelings that I don't want my male appendage there any more, it was my first problem as a child and I know while those feelings while very real are pointless to linger on.

I have worried that my looks will never be passable, but at the same time know that I can never go back to being a man, I have found an inner peace as a woman that I have never had my entire life.

I feel quite guilty because I have a lot to be thankful for but I can't seem to control the dysphoric days, on those days I do feel envious about others successful transition stories and tend to not look too hard so I don't make myself feel worse.

Nicole, thank you for creating this thread. I just caught up and think it is a great idea. Like you said, sometimes we just want to vent. I am currently in a very good mental space, but I know that a time will come where I will feel down m, then I can come here and share whatever would be bothering me.

Your post above was something I really connected with. I have previously felt that exact same way, word for word, and whenever my dysphoria returns, it is just how you described it.

Hugs,
Jayne

Jayne, I'm glad you like the thread, please do feel free to vent when you need to but I know you are in a good place at the moment. I'm feeling much better at the moment although went to play squash last night in my old male shorts and tee shirt and then onto the pub, I felt so out of place I had to leave early, it didn't really trigger anything just made me think about changing my squash attire.

@Nicole70
My dear Nicole:  Per the title of your thread "R U OK?"  ...
... I will now ask you...  are you OK?  The reason I ask is that you have not updated your thread for almost 2 weeks. 

Your curious followers and readers happiness depends on reading your frequent updates on your thread.
Please come back and post what you have been up to and how you are handling life.
Every time I log in to the Forums I make a point of checking the threads that I follow, and yours is one of them...

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle 

Quote from: Nicole70 on June 10, 2018, 10:30:55 PM
I've struggled with really bad dysphoria over the past couple of weeks, my transition is progressing ok and I am happy about that but it doesn't distract too much from the feelings that I don't want my male appendage there any more, it was my first problem as a child and I know while those feelings while very real are pointless to linger on.

I have worried that my looks will never be passable, but at the same time know that I can never go back to being a man, I have found an inner peace as a woman that I have never had my entire life.

I feel quite guilty because I have a lot to be thankful for but I can't seem to control the dysphoric days, on those days I do feel envious about others successful transition stories and tend to not look too hard so I don't make myself feel worse.

Same, thanks for the interesting thread

I'm not ok. Once again I'm depressed and feeling I'm stuck in a hole. I went full time a few weeks ago after getting a BA and lipo and it was really hard at first to get used to my new life but I managed to do it and even feel good about myself.

Well that changed since 3 days ago... I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend, I miss him and wish he was here with me. He's in a relationship now and that revelation hurt a lot. Now I'm, once again, feeling regretful of taking this path and I'm having suicidal thoughts. It seems like trying to live as a gay man would have been way easier. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed and I don't wanna do anything. I fell asleep once again this morning for an hour and woke up crying. I've been crying for 3 days now. This is tough.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 26, 2018, 11:39:47 AM
I'm not ok. Once again I'm depressed and feeling I'm stuck in a hole. I went full time a few weeks ago after getting a BA and lipo and it was really hard at first to get used to my new life but I managed to do it and even feel good about myself.

Well that changed since 3 days ago... I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend, I miss him and wish he was here with me. He's in a relationship now and that revelation hurt a lot. Now I'm, once again, feeling regretful of taking this path and I'm having suicidal thoughts. It seems like trying to live as a gay man would have been way easier. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed and I don't wanna do anything. I fell asleep once again this morning for an hour and woke up crying. I've been crying for 3 days now. This is tough.

@Charlie Nicki:    This is for you!!!
     
Hang in there girl, we all love you and want to give you our love and support.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Charlie Nicki,
I'm sorry you are having a rough time, seeing your ex move on with someone else is always very upsetting, I feel for you. Know that we all love you here and, you are lovely woman.

Hugs and best wishes
Nicole

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on June 26, 2018, 11:39:47 AM
I'm not ok. Once again I'm depressed and feeling I'm stuck in a hole. I went full time a few weeks ago after getting a BA and lipo and it was really hard at first to get used to my new life but I managed to do it and even feel good about myself.

Well that changed since 3 days ago... I still have feelings for my ex boyfriend, I miss him and wish he was here with me. He's in a relationship now and that revelation hurt a lot. Now I'm, once again, feeling regretful of taking this path and I'm having suicidal thoughts. It seems like trying to live as a gay man would have been way easier. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed and I don't wanna do anything. I fell asleep once again this morning for an hour and woke up crying. I've been crying for 3 days now. This is tough.

@Charlie Nicki

Hey girlfriend, you know we are all here for you.  We love you and want you to feel better.  I'm sorry you are in so much pain.  Relationships are not static and are usually in flux with each other having their own needs.  Sometimes those needs change and the need for each other to adapt isn't always possible.  It takes time to get yourself back from the end of a relationship you felt you needed.  But you will meet someone else and you will look back and smile at your past, knowing it was good when it was there, but your future is better.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

Quote from: Allison S on June 10, 2018, 08:37:33 PM

I'm just very confused. I just turned 28 and I've never been in a relationship or even been intimate really. At least not for a very long time. Being around guys makes me super insecure and even uncomfortable. Right now where I've been meeting guys they've been a bit too aggressive for me. I think I'll keep my boundaries in place for a while.

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I feel the same. I am 28 yo as well and I have never been in a romantic relationship. It's not because I don't want to (I WANT A MAN, UGH!!) I just feel like it's quite hard to meet people in "real life" nowadays. I met most of the guys online tho but didn't have any luck...yet?

I just graduated from a professional school and even though our class size was 260 something, most of them were in a relationship already. On top of that, I am just too self-conscious about being clocked or turned down by guys simply because I'm trans. Of course I respect everyone's preference but it just hurts to think that I wouldn't even have the chance to start something potentially beautiful with a great guy.

One of the reasons why I prefer to use dating apps to meet people is because I can just put down a short bibliography with regards to me as a transwoman, so anyone who messages me would have an idea about my identity.

Oh well I guess we just have to be patient/positive and be the best of ourselves so that when the right guy comes, we are ready to love (and be loved)!

Quote from: JinnieY on June 30, 2018, 12:04:15 AM
I feel the same. I am 28 yo as well and I have never been in a romantic relationship. It's not because I don't want to (I WANT A MAN, UGH!!) I just feel like it's quite hard to meet people in "real life" nowadays. I met most of the guys online tho but didn't have any luck...yet?

I just graduated from a professional school and even though our class size was 260 something, most of them were in a relationship already. On top of that, I am just too self-conscious about being clocked or turned down by guys simply because I'm trans. Of course I respect everyone's preference but it just hurts to think that I wouldn't even have the chance to start something potentially beautiful with a great guy.

One of the reasons why I prefer to use dating apps to meet people is because I can just put down a short bibliography with regards to me as a transwoman, so anyone who messages me would have an idea about my identity.

Oh well I guess we just have to be patient/positive and be the best of ourselves so that when the right guy comes, we are ready to love (and be loved)!

Yes, I know. I'm not really at the point you're at in my transition and with passing but it's on my mind.
I also remember being a gay male and meeting guys. It's still so fresh in my mind, part of me doesn't feel settled yet. My fear is that I never will. And that's scary

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Just checking in, I hope everyone is ok, I have been following the celebrations in the US for the 4th July, hope you all had a good day.

Nicole