Hello Eryn
Just had to jump in and let you know how good my wife and I both think you look. Wow
We are both looking forward to your real picture in your avatar and I'm sure it'll be awesome but of course only when your comfort level allows.
And thank you very much for sharing your gift with speech I think that's so sweet of you  for your practical advice most of us could benefit from.
My wife and I are still pulling for your relationship to continue to keep growing and know that it can be done as you have read how many SO,s remain together. Just moving baby steps as you are, and letting time help to working things out is possible, at least this is what happened to my marriage where I thought after I got married at age 25 all of my original thoughts would disappear but of course they did not, but I broke it out slowly over a year I would say and we've been together for 37 more so just know it can be done.

All the best you sweetheart. See ya Tatiana



See ya, Tataina

Thank you so much, Tatiana! You and your wife are very sweet!

Yeah, it's kind of silly having myself in full view in a video for 20min+ but no avatar yet but :p
This process has taught me so much about myself(for obvious reasons) but also about relationships, too.  I'm sure my wife and I will be alright when all is said and done, but the seas can be turbulent at times. I think my 'bare all' mentality of story-telling has certainly cause some distress for her.  I feel like we're growing closer than ever, though, just no sex for obvious reasons lol

Anyway, the only real major update to report is a going to be a bit of backstory and info all about my mother. This past Monday I told my mom I was transgender, and it has been the first time someone wasn't very supportive. Not super hateful, but mostly in denial. The conversation seemed to be her repeating the same line, "Well, yes, but that doesn't make you transgender..." My wife was there with me listening to the conversation, and said she found it both infuriating and hilarious.

So, time to go waaaay back, and trigger warning for religion: Christianity.

I was born and raised Christian, and I still believe in the virtues of Christianity, but I wouldn't say I'm devoutly religious. My father is Atheist, and my mother is one of those Christians who can't go a single sentence without mentioning their religion in some capacity. 

When I was younger, I think I was in a public school until my mom could find a Christian one she felt was more in-line with her belief system.  That school was the scenario I remember being a bully toward 'ugly' kids, but then when I had acne develop and needed to wear glasses, my bully system I had built around myself collapsed. I was basically a traitor, and therefore kept none of my former 'friends' and could not become friends with the people I bullied or anyone. I emotionally latched onto any new students, who often were quickly told about my past bullying and I just distanced myself more.  Then my mom decided public school had failed and put me, and my two other siblings into a private christian school.

Now, this school was small. Kindergarten to 12th grade, and only about 23 students total. So 4th graders were in the same classroom as 8th graders. All the teachers were women, all of them were related to one another, and none of them were qualified to teach, but taught anyway.  I remember my first day very clearly. I was the new kid the new kid this time, and I don't remember students being particularly mean or anything, but I remember the first thing I did was go hide under the teacher's desk and cry. Then I fell asleep.  I don't want to get too deep into what happened there, just the relevant stuff to my religion, my virtues, and my identity.

Faith scare of the End Times
Devalue of Effort
Mocking of Attire

So, to start with let's go with the End Times. There has been lots of books and movies about Armageddon and what all it entails, I was never allowed to read into Revelations in the Bible because it was deemed too mature or scary for me, yet they had no problem making me watch terrifying(low production) videos about it, heh Anyway, there's a movie series with the first called "A Thief in the Night" and essentially it goes about how all the true Christians will be taken to heaven, while sinners are left to fend for themselves facing new ideologies and supernatural dangers. The short version(of what I know with the end times) is the anti-christ comes, thats the signal for Jesus to call all Christians into heaven, then theres the mark of the beast, 7 years of 'trials' before Satan rules over the earth for 1000 years, before God decides to hit the reset button on everything.

Sometimes movies can be scary to little kids, but these movies specifically describe how this can and WILL come to pass.  Friends turning against one another, selling their souls for a barcode on their forehead, and it all ended with those who resisted being sent to a guillotine / firing squad. The resistance being not-devoted Christians, who realize their mistake once it is only too late.

I always felt like I had already ruined my chances to be saved, or that it would be too difficult(for some reason) for me to be as pure as a I needed to be. So for a long, long time, I truly believed my destiny was to purposely have faith and believe, but stay behind to help those that need it in the end times; running from the law, finding shelter, scavenging for food and the like.  The end times and these videos were the main motivator this school pushed on kids to keep them in line. I was like 6 or 7 when I watched it, and it terrified the crap outta me, but there were kids even 4 watching it.

Even up to like last year, if something out of the ordinary happened and it made it seem like Jesus had returned, and I was left behind, I would start to panic. Usually it was just my wife had to do something unexpectedly or something.


Next is the devaluing of my effort.  So, this school had strict rules over potty-mouths.  And I once had to write 1000 sentences for saying "butt" instead of "bottom" I spent some time for several days, sitting in a desk, literally on display for everyone passing by, in front of the principals office, writing.  And when I finally finished it, and handed it in, she didn't even look at what I had written(though I did it properly, or at least I tried) and just threw it in the garbage immediately.  I almost started to cry right there, and when I tried to reach for it(because I worked for several hours, several days writing all that) she scolded me.  She explained that the lesson I learned was what was important, and not how I learned it. or whatever.

And then finally, a more minor thing, that I didn't think much of until recently. I used to wear baggy clothes, a couple of the boys did, and the teachers would mock us saying things like, "What are you trying to be girls? Those clothes are practically like dresses!" Most of the boys got angry by this, but I only got embarrassed.  I figured it was just because I was a more shy, and reserved person.

My now deceased sibling had the displeasure of graduating from such a school. And I'm glad my parents got a divorce, or I might have to; but I transferred back into a public school at 10th grade. My mom wasn't happy about that, but this Christian school definitely stunted my growth as a person academically, socially, and emotionally.

Anyway, so onto talking with my mom.

Me: "You know how I never took care of myself? Well now I do. I shower everyday, I care about maintaining good hygiene and health."
Her: "Yes, but that doesn't make you transgender."
When I was younger, I let my eyes rot, my earring isn't the best, I didn't take the best care of my teeth, and I rarely showered.  I was such a sick, disgusting person that I was 'assaulted' in my college dorm by others because I smelled so bad that they forced me into the shower(absolutely nothing sexual happened, they were just grossed-out by my presence)

Me: "Remember how I never could socialize with others but I wanted to?  It was like a side of myself was confined, and I couldn't let me true feelings out."
Her: "Yes, but that doesn't make you transgender."
Similar to hiding under the desk. At parties or any social gathering I was dragged to, I would hide outside, in a bathroom, or in the closet, just waiting for things to leave. I was always a bit voyeuristic, really enjoying when I saw others having fun, but never able to join in.  When I was in high school, I never went to lunch and just spent that time in bathrooms, or under benches, sleeping(I did this sometimes in college, too)

Me: "Remember at that Deli, where I said I feel like the only thing keeping me from being a girl is my penis?"
Her: "Yes, you were self-conscious about your wrists and how you sat, but that doesn't make you transgender."
I do have girly wrists(a blessing, now) and I have always sat cross-legged, it was just more comfortable to me.  And when I actually started to transition, female mannerisms came VERY natural to me, like it was shocking how quickly I picked-up on things.

Me: "You know how uncle <blank> would do his super effeminate voice and stuff?"
Her: "Yeah..."
Me: "Well, I always wanted to do that, too, but I just shot down any opportunity I gave myself. It's like how I wanted to dance, but would stop miliseconds into doing it, because it seemed wrong and I doubted myself so much. Not just him, one of my team members who I do my weekly podcast with also did an effeminate voice and it reminded me of it. I was so happy to find my own voice, finally."
Her: "Well, that doesn't mean your transgender."
My sister took dancing and gymnastics lessons when we were younger, I went sometimes as an accessory to my mom or dad(whoever was picking her up) and I really wanted to join, but it seemed so wrong at the time. I think I asked once and my mom said its for girls, not little boys. It seemed like everyone I knew growing up could do the following things: snap their fingers, whistle, and do an effeminate voice. I just felt so naturally talentless because I couldn't do anything special, I wasn't special, at least that's how i used to feel. I still can't whistle or snap my fingers, by the way.

Me: "I don't really take pictures. I've always avoided looking at myself in the mirror or seeing myself anywhere."
Her: "Okay, but that doesn't make you transgender."
Even though I thought I looked 'not ugly' for a man, I was always really unhappy with my appearance, and I called myself a monster(based on my appearance) on many an occasion.

Me: "Since starting my transition, I actually care more about my family/friends and myself in-general. And I love myself for the first time ever."
Her: "That's great, but it doesn't mean your transgender."
I don't really need to elaborate on this, I've done so enough already in this blog heh heh

Now, getting into the meat of the conversation. and the contradictions.

Her: "I admit that you didn't really have a masculine role model when growing-up, but even so, that doesn't make you transgender."
Also Her: "Those people online are just tricking you into thinking this is how you are."
See the hypocrisy in these statements?
Also, I had a wonderful male role model growing up.  While I admit, I was more raised by my older sibling, just because my mom was not exactly the best as a parent and my dad worked literally 4 jobs when I was a kid.  So, no, I didn't get to see my dad often, but when I did, he was always encouraging, invested, caring, supportive, and knowledgeable. He taught me the values of effort, passion, practicality, and care for others. 

Her: "We took you to a psychiatrist when you were 16, I think, and he diagnosed you with depression. Stating the source was from social(and I forgot the other word used, I tried looking it up but I couldn't remember/find it), and that doesn't mean your transgender, it just meant you were depressed."
Me: "Well, I am actually seeing a therapist right now, and their professional diagnosis is that I am, indeed, transgender."
Her: "Well, I don't know this therapist, and I don't trust them."
She's going to argue one therapist for another, just because one supports her claim that I am only depressed. Which, by the way, super glad my mother would be happier knowing I am depressed instead of transgender. And another thing, I honestly had no recollection of EVER going to a therapist, did I block this memory from my mind? I was always down, but part of that(and my emo-ness) was because I wasn't 'depressed' so I couldn't validate sad emotions like I thought others could who actually had depression. Now that I think about it, I can vaguely recall a dream I had where I was 6(not 16) and was in an office with a therapist; but I felt like it was just a dream...

Then we got into talking about my dead sibling, and a few times, I probably got way too heated about the whole thing; luckily my wife was there to reel me back in.  One thing she said really stuck out to me(that I can remember from the conversation, anyway)
Her: "I would have been happier if <name> didn't have enough money for his transition. Then he wouldn't have been able to do it."
This tells me a few things. One, being that my mom definitely didn't support my brother when he was alive. Even though after his death, she made a point to get upset at anyone for making jokes about crossdressing or whatever. And two, if my brother wasn't financially independent(for the most part) then my mom would not have helped him in any way and was like, oh well, tough luck kid, I guess you just can't be a woman, right?

But then something happened(and my wife totally called it) my mom addressed me, clearly addressed me as my dead sibling. Which she has done on several occasions before, but the way it came out made me realize that this conversation has already happened for her; and she's making the same claims/excuses as she did for my brother.

I was starting to try and go into the things I've been working on and how they've helped me, but it seemed like too much and my wife pulled me back in again.  I mentioned how I had held lot of resentment for my mom because she cheated on my dad(and I happened to actually 'see' the coitus by accident) that I made a point to never say I love you, and I did so up until my transition began. But, I know I love my mom, and it isn't fair for me to continually hurt her over the years for a mistake she made like that, and honestly I would have stopped holding that resentment long ago, but it was the principle of it and I just held onto that feeling.  I finally let it go, and now it's gone.
Made a tweet about it on mothers day, too: https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/996020102742073344
https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/996025954043645953

We also talked about some more minor things, the last minor but major thing was when I said how my wife is very supportive and one of my favorite things to do in the world with her is sing along to Disney songs. She seemed overjoyed at this(like oddly so, my wife was concerned) and went on about some pastor who can sing and singing doesn't equate to being transgender. And yeah, I never said singing better means transgender(that statement doesnt even make sense) but for me, it is because I am transgender that I've cared to improve my voice at all, and even my male singing has gotten better.

I tried starting to get into sexuality, too, but that's a bit too heavy still, I guess.

Anyway, after talking to her and hearing I suffered from depressed for some unknown social reason before and just going through everything, it felt like I had all things that I hated about myself and nothing fit together, nothing made any sense. And it inspired me to make a gif that i posted on Twitter. And I ask, if you've ever felt like that or just want to support me, please RT it. That's all for this update. I will be posting the video I took at Sephora's in the next few days. I still need to get caught-up on many other things before I can get back into my let's play, too.

gif: https://twitter.com/_TransGaming_/status/1006833772162179073

Hello Eryn
After reading your gut-wrenching post I feel we have got quite a bit in common despite our age differential.
My mother never told me you're not transgender because I don't even know if that word existed in the mid-60s she would just refer to me as a freak a weirdo and that there is something seriously wrong with me every time that would she would find my stash of my sisters clothes I would always get this humiliation then sometimes my Dad's belt or rubber hose  that occurred quite often I really don't blame them for this I think it was a case of really tough love they used to try and set me straight in their eyes.
I also felt I had a very repressed development never really feeling that I fit into any group and felt very alone in those days, there was no internet and certainly you wouldn't dare to mention it.
And yes absolutely I felt like you did where nothing seems to fit right about ourselves. I'm really glad that you have got a gift for expressing yourself and letting it out where I just kept it all in where it just grew far worse.
I question if I even have the capacity to interact with this group. Although we all share a common theme Here, it is a group of people none the less which I have never been any good at and lately it seems that I can do nothing but the wrong thing here.
you seem to be flourishing here now and the couple times I called you,o talkative one,  I meant it as a compliment and not sarcasm.
I must say you sure had a lot on your plate to deal with growing up and I'm very glad you didn't wait as long as I did because I fear I might be a little too far gone and messed up. I am actually pinning all my hopes on my transition because I know it has been the root problem of my life constantly
Naughing  life out of me  and use it as a pivot point to care about myself again and my health which I also let go down do to incredibly low self-worth.
you still have most of your life still ahead of you Eryn  and have made it over the hump and seem to be on the road that will lead you to feeling free and comfortable within your own skin.
I will definitely try to follow your posts more closely now that we have shared this together. I most sincerely hope you find everything that you want out of life and truly deserve.

Love Tatiana

Sorry Eryn
see what I mean about the mistakes

I do not have a Twitter or any other social media accounts, I forgot to mention it in my earlier reply to you.

Thank you for encouraging and touching words, Tatiana! You never need to apologize for anything, I like that you call me o talkative one lol 

Sometimes parents express discipline or love in different ways, sometimes they don't express love at all.  I'm very grateful I wasn't one of those kids who was beaten, and I am so sorry that your father employed tough love on you, hun!  To me(and I don't mean to upset you) tough love is like a last ditch effort to communicate to a child, because the parent really doesn't know what to do.  For my mom, her form of 'love' is to ask the scriptures for guidance...i'll be getting to that in a moment.

I'm not so sure if I'm flourishing here on Susans, either, Tatiana, but I choose to enjoy the time I spend here and the people I talk to.  You are my friend, and one of the few people who offer encouragement specifically to me, so I really am grateful for knowing you.  I am very glad that your wife is supportive of you like mine, too, and that your anger subsides when you dressed comfortably. I do hope you're getting along with your RL trans friend that you mentioned in the past.  And I, like you, really feel like I'm hinging on my transition will fix everything. Similarly to when I was younger I hinged losing my virginity as my ticket to normalcy, but things have never been so clear, so right, and so so joyous as they are now.  About my only downside is I am trying to do more than ever, and I need to rethink how I use my time and what for, because I'm starting to fall behind in just about every way.

But, this update is about Round 2 with my mom, and after I was livid.

So, my mom usually bugs me all the time(this is totally normal, I hear) but she had not really been in touch since I last talked to her. She texted me today saying she wanted to talk, I was working but rearranged my schedule and made some time for her.  I will never talk to her without my wife present though, I think, not about this anyway.

So, her strategy is 'set me straight with the Lord' by bringing a bunch of scriptures in as firepower. Ignoring how much better I feel and live as a woman.  She also is of the mindset that this is just a phase I'm going through, well yeah it is a phase, I have only barely begun my transition folks lol Not even on HRT yet!

The problem is she still sees me and treats me like a child, and she has always been that way. Over-protective in so many ways, most of all in ideology.  It just seemed like whatever i said she ignored or felt I was misguided, and I even tried asking what is so wrong with being transgender? ANd like, I was raised a Christian and she is a devote Christian, but how does me being transgender negatively affect any sort fellowship or relationship with the lord? It doesn't.

It did feel like I was repeating myself a lot in this conversation, and maybe she felt the same, but what made me truly angry was when we started talking about my brother.

So, I didn't think my brother really told anyone or expressed his true feelings much. But what I learned from her is that he had gone to several therapists and even wrote in a daily diary.  I asked her what things he wrote in it and it was all pertaining to his dysphoria, how he developed his interests and why.  I didn't know such a thing existed, and I wanted to know more about him through it.  But she destroyed it.

What?

This woman, who holds onto literally every damn little thing from her kids and stores it in her basement for selfish reasons; even refusing to give me or my sister things that are rightfully 'ours'- this woman, took a piece, a very important piece of my brother who is gone forever and destroyed it.  I can see where her views truly lie on the subject.
I asked her(because I had expressed my concern for this as well on here and elsewhere) if she tries to help people so that she feel like a better person or does she try to help others so that they can receive help. She told me that she wasn't sure, and would have to let me know at a later time.

She expressed that she wishes she were here with me, and I thought to myself. To hold my hand? Or hold me down? I don't think she cares a lick for my happiness as a transgender woman, and just repeatedly told me I need to pray and consult the scriptures.

My wife said she is not allowed into our home.  This is all very new on my end, but my mother clearly had time to think about all this with my brother, and well, my wife and I both decided, if she continues to repeat the same things a few months down the road, then I don't need to keep trying. She is my mother, and I love her, but it's only going to cause me stress trying to get her to accept me, and I'd rather not waste the energy. Especially when everyone else in my life has already accepted me, readily, openly, and lovingly. (and I am very blessed for that)

Hey Eryn
I am so sorry for you dear  over the loss of your brother  it must have been incredibly traumatic for you and your family to go through this.
and I sense your pain when your mother threw out his journal containing his own thoughts.
I was going to ask you if she supported him but I would guess she did not, and if you think she's taking it out on you a little harsher, do to your brothers lifestyle and tragic end.
I know your mother doesn't support you now but don't give up hope on your relationship with her it is far too precious of a thing to give up on and I hope you never stop trying.

I also grew up in a strict Catholic household and then 12 years of Catholic School but I never had religion used against me like your mom does I just was always called The Freak. I really don't hate my parents their actions I think we're governed by the ignorance of the times and I think we're really trying to do the right thing but back then in the early sixties it was a completely different world. I hope you take it easy on your mother she too is just a product of her environment when she grew up and our field is evolving faster than society's acceptance is.
I wish I had a mother to talk to but I lost my real mom in 98 and my mother-in-law just the other week.

all of that Catholic schooling taught me that basically Christianity means Christ-like.  We know that Jesus accepted people with unconditional love for all,  and I believe us being trans would be completely insignificant to him. I think the actions of your life would carry far more weight.
I wonder how your mother would react if you slowly worked this idea with her. You really can't set the bar any higher than Jesus because it's going to be at the Divinity level.

I really hope your relationship with your mom will improve over time,  perhaps a little give-and-take on both sides Maybe,  because you only get one mom in life and have only a finite time to experience her, hopefully in a little more approving way for the two of you.
  best wishes for you and yours and your mother.  Hugs Tatiana

Well, I haven't updated this in awhile and that's what this post is all about.

My schedule has been falling apart, and I'm in the process of trying to recover.

Part of the issue with my schedule is the way I have always handled things in the past(and present) basically, in a non-confrontational way. This isn't just arguments or fighting, but like if I am handed a list of rules at a job, I never processed these rules and I just internalized, "Don't be a bad person."  When it comes to budgeting, I had always saved money by simply not spending it(that is DEFINITELY not going to work anymore lol) Even games, when I was younger, I just played until I beat them(before achievements were a thing) but when I played FFXI I had to make the decision when to stop playing and as I said in the other post about it, I probably take first place(not a thing anyone should be proud of!) in the amount of actual time sunk into a single game, anyway. And when it came to my schedule, well...

I have always had a few nervous ticks, before caring about myself- I was so driven on the idea of 'doing' that I have been known to be the kind of person who is always doing something.  I think part of me always being busy(but productive, though I am not being productive right now) also kept me from reflecting upon my depression and the possibility that I was transgender(or just seeking some answers to my depression in general)

And that is seriously catching-up to me now. 

Before transitioning, I rarely took showers, I spent about 10 minutes to get ready, I had zero activity with friends/community, I did not really play video games, I slept about 5 hours a night, I ate fast food only while driving, I had a day job that soaks up about 50+ hours a week with drive times, and I was working between 15-20 hours a week on my other job as a designer for an indie game studio.

Now, with my transitioning. It takes me more like 30min-1hr to get ready. I am sitting down to eat more, I shower/shave/other everyday, I play video games occasionally, I get involved with online communities(like Susans here, and Twitter), I try to make memes sometimes(and work too hard on the editing); a typical recording session for my youtube channel takes about 2hr of record time, about 30min of browsing through footage/editing, about 2-3 hours to render, and then about 45min to upload to youtube.  I am also trying to be more involved with my wife's life and the time I spent with her has increased since she found out I am transgender. But I am also trying to practice drawing everyday. I have several drawings I have been trying to work on, and one I really wanted to finish before Pride Month is over.  I also do most of the errands/chores around the house, and this while still have my day job to go to and my indie game studio to work for.

Similarly to how I describe a non-confrontational approach, in this, I never had to think or worry about making priorities because, while I did have a lot of things I was doing at any given time, I had plenty of time to do everything, but now, that is quite different.

For the past week I have been trying to find some time to both reply to some posts on Susans and make another post here.  When you have so much on your plate, it's so easy to just get overwhelmed, throw up your hands, and not do any of it.  I wasn't quite doing that, but with everything pushing on my mind lately I was struggling and failing in every aspect.

I was failing at my day job.
I missed 2 conference calls in the past month because the first I simply got busy and didn't set an alarm, and was not in a  position to join. The second one, I just totally was so focused on everything else that I forgot completely.  I have been turning in a job(of like 13 that I do weekly) technically late every week for the past 3 weeks, and that also means I've been working on days where I might have had that day off.

I was failing at my indie studio job.
I do a lot for this studio. Similar to the conference calls, I missed 2 leads meetings(we have them every 2 weeks; but also at a really crappy time of day for me and my work) and I have not been able to just sit down and write some additional dialogue for a few scenes in the past 3 weeks.  When I posted the Kickstarter update, the May progress, it was already 2 weeks into June at that point.  I am somewhat bottle-necking the project right now, but no one is actually needing me to do certain things(that they know of); if I finished up the dialogue I needed to, I could start working on some other things which require involvement from additional team members and get people more synergized.

I was failing at my youtube channel.
For the first week or so, I was recording 3 episodes every 3 days or so, basically maintaining a new video daily.  But the last captured video was uploaded about a week ago. And I had the footage from Sephora since the 4th, and was trying to upload it asap, too.  The other night I sat down for the first time in what felt like forever to try and record some more for youtube, and I didn't think I was tired or maybe I was, but the commentary was way more awful that usual. And I essentially threw(or, will throw) away over an hours worth of running around looking for what to do because I thought I knew where I was going. 90 minutes or so is usually the limit on my voice and my ability, and I was already pushing myself.

I was failing our community.
I read posts daily on Susans, but rarely replied. I had been wanting to post this update, too, and just hadn't. I even messaged a few people letting them know I wasn't ignoring them, and will try to reply to their posts asap.  I feel really bad for not having more interactions with this wonderful community. Likewise, I originally was thinking of posting a meme daily on Twitter, but they take me 10min-2hours to make depending on the level of editing. And trying to browse twitter; honestly, I think Twitter was the thing least ignored in all of this, but it didn't matter. I liked, retweeted, commented, and responded to others stuff, but when it came to my own tweets that took me hours to make, most don't have a single like. 

I really failed myself as an artist.
So, I have a collage thing that I plan to make my banner for Twitter that I wasn't to finish before Pride month was over. And I had the idea for my Youtubel Channel's banner floating around in my head for over a month.  I also was searching for the motivation to draw, and thought it would be cool to try and make the avatar of my followers on Twitter each day, too.  I'm still very much a student when it comes to art, and should be more focused on learning than doing.

I failed my hygiene once or twice.
I did take a shower at least once a day, but some nights I skipped.  I neglected to apply moisturizer to my body or shave certain parts(if I was going to cover them up with clothes).  Sleep goes here, too.  I was struggling to even get 4 hours of sleep a night, which leads me into my next and most important failure.

I have been failing in my transition.
Recently, I got a beauty blender and tried applying my foundation with it using a method I picked-up on Youtube and it works really well for me! But, despite making such personal progress, I have neglected to even make an attempt to wear any makeup at all since trying(and succeeding) with the blender.  Part of the issue is my mask is too convenient for time, and since I'm not an expert at doing makeup, it's all that more discouraging to use that time to do so, when I can just keep using the mask and it literally takes a few seconds.  Because of my lack of sleep, I have had extremely low energy most days. And this is something very important that I don't think most people realize(because they get enough sleep) lack of sleep / low energy is possibly the worst thing you can do to your voice. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain, and overuse / burnout is very possible otherwise. 


The problem is I was trying to do a little bit of everything each night, but that simply can't work.  And it can be difficult to actually prioritize when so many things are at the forefront of your mind; each one encouraging or making me happy in some capacity, too.

I am really saddened by my overall lack of everything as of late, but I am taking steps to make better decisions and my wife is helping me formulate a more tentative schedule to follow; difficulties often lie in when I feel creative or motivated to do a certain thing and if that feeling lasts or not.


As for tonight, it was more of the same. But my wife asked me to get some Ginger Ale on my way home and I stopped by a gas station that I never go to on the way home.  The lady behind the counter was honest-to-god concerned about my health because of the mask. We maybe exchanged a few sentences at best, and she called me honey, sugar, and dear.  Though, she was the first person to really approach me asking if I was sick, it just really broke my heart to deceive her like that.


On the flip side of things(i am ruining myself, but everyone around me is supporting me!)

Today is my birthday. And this has so far hands-down been the absolute best birthday of my entire life! So, Monday I went car shopping with my wife and we found an amazing deal of a used car that took her research ability and my gutsy, go-getter'ness to get. This car is like the best car I've ever driven in my whole life. Report was no accidents, it's a 2010 Ford Focus with 60k miles, Got it for $5.5k, was originally listed at $7.9k and then marked down online for $6.9k.  On top of that, my wife bought some bows, and different nail polish for me(even though she said I would be getting no gifts because of the car lol) AND we sang Disney songs in the car together(my favorite activity) but she said it was okay for me to sing in my feminine voice.  I was extremely nervous, but it was so liberating, I felt like I could cry. On top of that, the gift I got from my sister came in the mail. ANd it's my first video game girl t-shirt ever! Mei from Overwatch, and I am going to post on Twitter about that later on today, too!

We'll also be going to a fondue/hot-pot resturant on Monday(as tradition for our birthdays since moving to Pennsylvania) but just wow...

So much loving support, and I am wrecking myself because I can't sort my priorities.

I feel so happy, so loved, but also like such a disappointment to everyone I know on Twitter and here on Susans.


Love you all, hopefully this post didn't get too long, I will just have to see when I click Post(lol) And I'm sure I missed some things because well, I have poor memory of events sometimes and I am quite scatterbrains.


Much love to all,
Eryn

I'm a few days late on this reply, but you know what I've been up to so I'm sure you'll forgive me.

Quote from: Eryn T on June 24, 2018, 03:42:24 AM
when I played FFXI I had to make the decision when to stop playing and as I said in the other post about it, I probably take first place(not a thing anyone should be proud of!) in the amount of actual time sunk into a single game, anyway.

I don't know how much time you put into FFXI, but I feel confident when I say: Nope, I "win". And by "win" I mean lose, because what wasted time that was. OCD + MMOs = Bad, bad combination. I had individual characters in Dark Age of Camelot and WoW that had 400 days of playtime. Not 400 days like I played the game for just over a year. 400 days of actual playtime, as in 400 times 24 hours. Plus alts with 100+ days as well. I... had problems.

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I was failing our community.
I read posts daily on Susans, but rarely replied. I had been wanting to post this update, too, and just hadn't. I even messaged a few people letting them know I wasn't ignoring them, and will try to reply to their posts asap.  I feel really bad for not having more interactions with this wonderful community. Likewise, I originally was thinking of posting a meme daily on Twitter, but they take me 10min-2hours to make depending on the level of editing. And trying to browse twitter; honestly, I think Twitter was the thing least ignored in all of this, but it didn't matter. I liked, retweeted, commented, and responded to others stuff, but when it came to my own tweets that took me hours to make, most don't have a single like. 

You aren't failing anyone in the community, none of us can carry all of the burden for others. (Except maybe Laurie.) All that matters is you are doing what you can in the moment with the current circumstances of your life, and I believe you are. There is time to be a mentor or provide constant support later, you have a long, happy life ahead of you, for now you just need to worry about surviving to get to the point you can do everything you want to for the community.

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I failed my hygiene once or twice.
I did take a shower at least once a day, but some nights I skipped.  I neglected to apply moisturizer to my body or shave certain parts(if I was going to cover them up with clothes).  Sleep goes here, too.  I was struggling to even get 4 hours of sleep a night, which leads me into my next and most important failure.

i know for absolute fact that the majority of cis women do not maintain a beauty regimen daily, including showering at times. Most gals absolutely do not shave what they don't have to at the very least. This is not a failure, this is being human! Don't be too hard on yourself!

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I have been failing in my transition.
Recently, I got a beauty blender and tried applying my foundation with it using a method I picked-up on Youtube and it works really well for me! But, despite making such personal progress, I have neglected to even make an attempt to wear any makeup at all since trying(and succeeding) with the blender.  Part of the issue is my mask is too convenient for time, and since I'm not an expert at doing makeup, it's all that more discouraging to use that time to do so, when I can just keep using the mask and it literally takes a few seconds.  Because of my lack of sleep, I have had extremely low energy most days. And this is something very important that I don't think most people realize(because they get enough sleep) lack of sleep / low energy is possibly the worst thing you can do to your voice. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain, and overuse / burnout is very possible otherwise. 

Again, not a failure. We face challenges many cis women do not, most obviously of course covering any sort of beard shadow. Full effort daily makeup is uncomfortable, expensive, time consuming, and just all around impractical. Daily makeup for many people is some foundation and lipstick, plus whatever they think they need for their "trouble areas", and that's that. Plus, combine the amount of practice it takes to really get good with makeup, it's normal to simply not have the time most days to stop and go all out as a trans girl. My sister only has to put the lightest amount of makeup on for full effect, and she can do it in a matter of minutes but still chooses not to most days. Meanwhile, even when she is doing my makeup (better/faster/etc to do others, plus shes more experienced) it takes a good half hour+ not including shaving prep time.

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The problem is I was trying to do a little bit of everything each night, but that simply can't work.  And it can be difficult to actually prioritize when so many things are at the forefront of your mind; each one encouraging or making me happy in some capacity, too.

I think that goes for all of us at our point in transition. I have a billion things I want to do or need to do, and figuring out what to do first is overwhelming. Not just even in simple actions to take, but in where to invest money in particular in my case at least. (Ie: Do I go all in on laser because I need body hair gone "now", or do I save thousands of dollars and let HRT get full effect on it first but delay completion time?)


Sweetie, you are doing great. I know it doesn't feel like it, and I know it's not something you can probably accept, I know it is hard for me to process when people say it to me, but .... well, damnit, it's true.

Ellie, you are absolutely wonderful! And after at least catching-up some in your thread, I am glad you chimed in, because more-so than just our transitions, I feel like you really understand what it means to be crazy busy. Oh, and let's just say we're MMO sisters in this, lol Because as I wrote in that thread, I spent over 2 years of playtime on Final Fantasy 11, and I played WoW afterwards for at least 2 years(no idea on playtime, though) I loved all the pictures from the parade, I will have to go through your twitter, for some reason I wasn't seeing the updates or something...

I honestly wanted to post another update sooner, and so many little things have happened that I probably won't remember, but hey, isn't that just how it goes in this thread already? lol

I started trying to write down quick notes to myself and feel like I will gravitate toward doing updates here weekly(especially when I am on HRT) as well as more major event-type dealies.  But seriously, it is CRAZY to think how much can actually happen in your life when you let it. Before my transition, I had a pretty set(but flexible) schedule but it was more-or-less a routine. With transition, and trying to expand my horizons socially, everyday can bring something new and often does. 

So, I am finally starting to get a handle on my schedule, not exactly corrected yet, but seems like things keep popping up. This past week my day job wanted everything done early due to the holiday, and that put more pressure on me, meanwhile my indie game project was closing-in on a month ending and a milestone ending, and spending a lot more time with my wife and even some more unexpected things popping-up. It's going to take all my strength just to keep this update on track, but here goes~

So, I had not heard from several of my buddies here on Susans for awhile now.  Kind of along the same lines as your post, Ellie, about being afraid to post like I'm inconveniencing people.  But I wasn't the only one who noticed.  And it just made me realize, when I feel so good because someone messaged me, everyone else probably feels that way, too. And they also are concerned about annoying me; sometimes if you don't talk to a friend for long enough, it becomes that much harder to try and chat again.

I owe so much to these girls and I was working on a drawing I wanted to finish before June ended, but I just got way too busy. I ended up working on it some tonight, but then I got to see just how awful I am at drawing. It makes me sad to eventually post something truly ugly as my banner for Twitter, but I hope you girls don't mind. Because it comes from a place of love, belonging, and joy...but maybe not talent lol

Anyway, so I'm going to make a point to periodically message these girls and see how they're doing. I, of course, care for everyone as much as I can, but I think that, too, can be difficult to bear on my shoulders all the time. I remember one night I was planning on working a bit and doing this and that, then someone I follow on Twitter was having a hard time and I just ended-up talking to them for a few hours.  I'm glad I did it, but it certainly didn't help my schedule.  I just really hope everyone is doing alright, and I'll be sending out DMs soon to let you know I care about you girls~ <3

This next part was how my words(or memes) can be twisted or misconstrued. This felt like forever ago, and I can't believe I hadn't updated this thread since before this! Anyway, I made a transgender version of a meme and Susan herself commented on it that it could be misinterpreted as anti-trans...that seems ludicrous from my point of view, but she had a very valid reason. And it was simply something I wasn't paying attention to.   I do try to be careful with what I say on twitter. It makes me think about how people pull up tweets from years ago to make a point of hypocritical stances.  But, I can't live in fear of that, or I run the risk of censoring myself, which I had done my whole life before my transition.

In addition to that friend on Twitter and some girls here on Susans, I can't help but almost feel ashamed of myself for not going through something more harsh in my life. It's like really hard for me to reason why 2 transgirls should feel the same euphoria or have the same good outcomes from their transition, when 1 had no real family drama or went through any persecution in their life, while the other dealt with both, abuse, and possibly more. Maybe it's the Christian in me, but I just feel so guilty being so blessed by the situation.  I think I had mentioned before that a part of me has felt like a lesser person, because I never had to overcome some hardship to make me grow as a person. Maybe I have, though, but nothing like what you all have gone through.

Alot more has happened, but my notes aren't making sense. What is fresh in my mind is Sephora, Saturday with my wife, and some new things happening tonight.

The Sephora I went to for my first class called awhile ago asking if I'd like to come to the next. At the time, I felt way too busy and it is almost a 3 hour drive at 9am, ect.  But then later I changed my mind, except I couldn't book it online. So, yesterday, I think, I tried calling to ask about it. I spoke with a girl named Toni and she was just so energetic and helpful. More than just assisting me and explaining why it's not on the website, talking to her just felt so good and right- I was completely in girl mode over the phone. She doesn't do the class or even work on that Sunday, but went out of her way to call the girl who does and answer a few questions, get my email again, etc.  So, now I'm all set for my next class this Sunday! I'm excited to learn, but I'm more excited to be in an environment that is accepting of me, and encourages me to be who I am or who I want to be. Because, honestly, I could just grab a playlist of tutorials on contouring on Youtube easily enough anyway...

So, I mentioned this before but not as directly, I think. So allow me to clear the confusion.

My wife has a boyfriend. I am a cuck.

I know the guy, he is a friend of both of ours, and basically their friendship grew into love in the same way ours did.  She has not yet been able to meet him in-person, and now it seems like they may never meet.  But she isn't okay with a sexual relationship with the female me, either. It's kinda a whole big mess, I mean, a part of me was happy about things possibly not working out because then I might stand a chance at being able to please her sexually.  But seeing her so upset, and understanding what she wants is a real man and she doesn't want us to be apart, either, so it's just kinda tugging on my heart in all directions. When she told me why things aren't going to work out, it really just soured the whole day and then after is when 2 of my trans girlfriends were going through some rough times and well...that night I couldn't sleep at all, but I wasn't being productive either. I just sort of sat at my desk, wasting time, over-thinking things, and wishing I could actually physically hug each of y'all out there.

And that's kind of why Saturday was a thing with me and my wife. She wanted to do some retail therapy, and I just wanted to be there for her. It turned out into an amazing day for me, though! Started out, we went and saw Deadpool 2, I really enjoyed that movie and just Deadpool(and Ryan Reynolds, especially) in general.  Afterwards, we went shopping around some outlets that were nearby.

I feel like I'm a terrible person to shop with. When I was a guy, I had no desire to buy anything ever. But now, as a girl, I want to buy everything but can't decide lol  And that indecision really was wearing on my wife's nerves, at least in the first store that we went to.  Everywhere I looked, there was some article of women's clothing that I have never seen before or never really noticed. 

Also, apparently, I am a hot topic girl lol  When we went into there, the clearance section was buy 2 get 3 free; and it took like under 3 minutes to find 5 things that I loved! Like, it was VERY different than a normal clothes store. I guess I just resonate with geeky things more, and that was the main thing causing indecision at other stores.  I also got a couple dresses and shirts online from hot topic earlier in the week(though they havent arrived yet) So, now my female clothes wardrobe is even larger than my male ones(and I haven't even purged any male clothes yet!)

Then after we went to an Irish pub in Gettysburg, and it was absolutely wonderful.  This whole time I had my nail-polish on, female attire(not girly, though) but no boobs. I was getting concerned because I think we live in an area totally not ideal to be transgender in, but luckily no one made a fuss over my nails. (they were lavender and metallic gray, btw)

Then when we got home, we actually started cleaning the house some! I love cleaning, I think its part of my anxiety, but my wife is a bit of a hoarder and we can't really clean until she is ready because basically, she directs me where to put things(toys for tots, presents, donations, seasonal, trash, keep, storage, etc.) and I do the 'grunt' work.

I had been spending a decent amount of time on Twitter lately, too.  Sometimes it feels rather exhausting, I see many of the same or similar conversations.  Part of me really just wants to Like everything. But for some reason I have always been 'stingy' with that sort of thing. I'm a bit more involved in doing it now, but for some reason I see something I actually like on youtube or something and I rarely hit the Like button- but there's really no reason for that. Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked. Tonight, in particular, something really cool happened.

Somehow a post about a Twitch streamer dealing with harassment ended up in my timeline, and they're super cool and I DM'd them, watched their stream, interacted with their community, and followed a few other people.  I used to watch lots of letsplays all the time in the past, part of why I wanted to do my own, and I never have time to watch streams really and can't watch theirs usually either(except on Tuesdays, possibly) cause I'll be at work pretty much everytime they stream.  And while watching their stream, I actually worked on that art piece I mentioned earlier in this post. I felt good doing it sometimes, and bad sometimes, too. Basically, I just need to practice much more, because being artistic is honestly, kind of the same feeling of euphoria I get when I express myself as a woman; maybe because I am actually expressing myself.

God, this update feels all over the place lol  Things are starting to get on track, though, I swear! 

Two more episodes I uploaded of my Axiom Verge letsplay. As I go through watching these on occassion, I cringe. Hard. But what's weird, is when I feel like my commentary is 'weak' later on, my voice actually sounds alot better. The proof of my voice improving over time is in this letsplay- and now I'm so happy with my voice! (when it decides to work)

So hope you all are well and doing your best with your journeys, too!

Much Love!

Hey girlfriend,
I just wanted to drop in and say hello.
And I miss you where have you been dear.
I've been reading your stuff and I know your Uber busy.
But I must say I'm a little worried about you burning the candle at both ends.
I know that all this extra curricular activity that you're engaged in is geared for your transition but sometime you need to stop to smell the roses and appreciate and suck in every moment of the journey.
There is no timetable or schedule that's needed for you to follow dear.
It will come naturally to you one way or another because this is your destiny and it doesn't follow a clock
you know it's going to happen so why not take the path of least resistance and avoid unneeded distraction and keep your eyes focused on the big picture that you are entering.
There's always going to be a multitude of distractions or new events in your life that could keep you busy 24/7.
But I believe prioritizing them properly will allow you to devote your energy to what's really needed.
Normal life is hard enough but when you throw in what you're doing it's extra hard.
Sometimes slow and steady is advantageous over trying to do to much.
I'm just a little bit worried about you girl but I know you'll pull through with flying colors.
all my love to you sweetheart Tatiana

Love your words, Tatiana, girl! And I am definitely burning the candle from ALL directions lol :p
I am not rushing my transition, I don't think, I'm just so used to living an extremely busy life that adding my transition and other activities I want to do on top of it, is just really pressing for time.  But, for the most part, I think I am doing much better with that now, so don't worry!

But maybe that's not true, since I've been wanting to update this post for a few days now, but couldn't find some time lol  It's ironic, like cleaning the house. Wait a month to do it and it'll take hours, do it every day and it takes minutes, heh heh

So, let me see, where to begin...

Thursday the 5th, was my next therapy session, and I was determined to push forward more for it.  This was the first time that I really tried to put on all of my makeup since the Sephora class. I had kept making the excuse in the past that I didn't have time to do my makeup, so I just kept using the mask as a crutch, but that is beginning to change. Since that Thursday, I have worn makeup up (AND NO MASK!) a few times, but there are still some days where I don't find the time to do my makeup, too.

Really, the first time I did my makeup, that Thursday, it took over an hour and it looked absolutely HORRIBLE! Gah! But I had a time schedule, and I didn't have the opportunity to wipe it off and try again and I wanted to show myself to the therapist. Truthfully, I am very, very tired of the mask, which I think is good, so Im not really using it as a coping mechanism after all, just a time-saver heh heh

Anyway, we were gonna start talking about my late brother and we went into more about my general family, too.  Like, individually, but the real big problem for me is that I was(and am) very unobservant.  I, frankly, questioned for most of my adolescent life if I were mentally challenged because of how 'dumb' or 'slow' I was to most things, oh and that when I asked my parents about medical stuff to prepare for HRT that I have something called tremors in my hands, knees, and eyes; basically the muscles spasm in a oscillating motion which can make it difficult to do things like makeup or my nail polish- But, that's a completely separate topic. A couple of things I found interesting when I started to think about it, and I might have said this stuff before, had to do with my dad.

I think that my dad might be transgender or at least somewhat non-binary. I do not think transgender tendencies are passed through genes, but I mean I share many traits with my parents so sharing traits is one aspect. Like, as my mom has mentioned, my dad was very passive in the bedroom. As I learned while ago, he got a vesectimine(sp) and while he tried to date after they broke up, it didn't last and he opt'd for companionship with pets instead.

I've also never seen him 'angry' which I think is weird for men, as the stereotype is overbearing anger and I know many folks here on Susans probably dealt with a lot of anger-driven abuse from their fathers.  He also was extremely frugal, basically never buying anything for himself...except really decorative and ornate statues, like the $200 ones you see of fairy or dragon women at the Renaissance faire lol But the last big piece of evidence that I found was with his pet, in particular, our dog, Logan. Logan was abused by his former owner, and hated ALL men, lashed-out at them at shelters and such; but was never that way with women.  For some odd reason, Logan never lashed-out at my dad, Logan took to him just like he would any woman. Anyway

A good portion of the session I tried to discuss more about the timeline for HRT, cause I tend to be bad about asking the right questions most of the time >.< I'm sure there was more, but I frankly can't remember some of it >.<

Then Sunday I went back to Sephora's, and it was a good time, again, but I'm not sure if I'll upload that video ever lol And i'll explain more of that when I get down to it. But, there was a lot less girls there this time, some I recognized from my first class; and all the same teachers, I was with Tony again and he was great, but then they switched us around and I was with Kat and Lexi, too.  Kat, I felt was the least helpful for me, she kinda didn't know how to direct me, so she kinda just mumbled quietly and let me ruin my face lol  Lexi, on the other hand, was so nice and her makeup was absolutely gorgeous to me!  She gave me some really good tips and one of them I've been trying to use a bit everyday is practicing makeup for 10-15 minutes before wiping it off at the end of the day. Since I am wiping it off afterwards, there's less problem if I make mistakes, and as with anything you're learning and are new to, there's gonna be a lot of mistakes!

The class, as a whole, I felt rushed for some reason, like they were trying to do too much in it, but it wasn't that much more honestly than the first class. Like first class we did cleanser, primer, foundation, contour, blush, lipstick/gloss; and this class we did highlighter, eyeshadow, mascara, contour, blush, 'glow' and lipstick/gloss.  As I learned from my dad, I have extremely fidgety eyes and it's kinda rough to apply anything around there sometimes. My eyes cower in fear if anything get's close to em.  My right eye, doesn't even close fully, unless I really try to close it tight, which on it's own increases the risk of poking my eye out lol Oh boy, but Kat was helping me during the eyeshadow/mascara portion of the class, and then I accidentally bumped my eyelid with the mascara, INSTANT DISASTER! I learned how to take a Q-tip and some makeup remover to act fast lol Probably a decent thing to have learned.

I also had been getting more active on Twitter, or at least, being more of a participant.  I liked, retweeted, commented on all sort of things, but then I took a look at my timeline and just saw I got lost in other people's conversations. Which I mean is fine, I guess, but I went to Twitter to be myself, so I wanted to refocus my attention. However, I did stumble upon a tweet about harrassment on Twitch to a trans gamer named QueenHellCat, and I checked out their stream and conversed with them a little and people in the chat, too. I think Twitch is really the kind of environment I was ultimately hoping for with 'reconnecting' with gamers, because you actually build a community and interact with them, rather than just have a group of people that may or may not watch what you make like on Youtube. But I face a few problems with that, the biggest being my schedule. I can not reliably set a good time of the week to consistently stream that isn't already a time when I expect most people to be doing things. And two, my computer can't handle something like that, so I'd need to invest in a stronger machine to do so.

A bit more of downer(but don't worry, it get's better!) is I tried working on my banner artwork some more, and I got to a certain point and I just hated how everything was turning out. That's what happens when you don't draw for months(and were never all that good at drawing) then work on one piece for an hour or two every week, also the tremors definitely don't help in this department.  The piece was meant to be done before Pride Month ended, but I missed that mark by a long shot.  I just love all the wonderful people I've met on Susans, and in particular my closest friends/buddies and I was making the banner to express that love and appreciation; but I lack the talent to properly convey it.

I do intend on revisiting it and finishing one day, but not right now, unfortunately. Here is how far I got before I got too frustrated with it:



I think it was just way way too ambitious and challenging of a think to take head-on like I tend to, and succeed at. So I started trying to do smaller stuff first, like something I can start AND finish in a single session so that I am able to practice every aspect of drawing more clearly and fully. I had been wanting to do something like this for awhile and another person I saw on Twitter, EJ Burg was drawing followers, so I wanted to give it a shot. Because another issue I've always had with drawing is figuring out what to draw, and this seemed like an excellent opportunity for just that.

These are the 3 I've done so far, left is my recreation and right is the originals, if that wasn't obvious lol:







And in that order. I also record myself doing it, in the hopes to get some advice from actual artists and to show I am not just tracing these.  It's helped to train myself to be more keen in my observation skills, which are quite lacking so that is awesome! But you may notice these are all 'cartoons' or just not real life images, but many people use real life photos as their avatars on Twitter. And I am planning to do that kind next, it will be truly interesting because it's either going to take a tremendous amount of effort in detail to recreate a real photo, or I will 'cartoon-ize' the photo, in which I think is good, too, because I will be on the road to building my own style. Drawing is important to me, and I really love it, but I also want to do it so I can improve the thumbnails for my youtube channel and also allow myself to do something else on Twitter that I have been planning for awhile.

Speaking on Youtube, they rolled-out this beta creator thing and moved things around so I could see/understand the analytics a bit easier. I felt good about my voice video having almost 200 views and my sephora video having almost 500, even though all my gameplay videos only had like 0-5 views.  Then I got to see that the average watch time for these videos was only a few seconds. Either people click on them by accident, or I am so utterly revolting of a person that they turn and run immediately. It's gotta be the latter one, right?

Well, I know Twitch is where gamers 'live' and you can upload existing video now there, too. So, I am having to convert(and in many cases, re-edit) all of my previous Axiom Verge episodes so they are compatible with Twitch's standards. In the hope that maybe people might actually watch or want to interact with me over there. While it's a very time consuming process, I was surprised as heck that the rendering time was reduced, and this format(while better quality wise, to me) is also compatible with Youtube; so I'll just use that from now on and it'll help cut down on my overall time wasted to render these, in the future, too!

I started blending days, so pulling back again before I start to wrap-up this update. Wednesday of this week, was like the 3rd or 4th time I put on my makeup and it was the first time that felt like it looked good enough that I didn't need the mask.  No, I wasn't the prettiest girl out there, but I saw more girl than I did boy, and that came as an overwhelmingly happy surprise! Now, I know, I can do this, I will do this, and my life will be so much better!

Relationship-wise, it's hard to say what's happening. Things are moving so so fast for my wife that she feels like her life has been turned upside-down in the past two months.  With me, with her boyfriend, and now the main reason she is still working at the place she is working at; her friend is gonna be switching careers/jobs in a month, and she really doesn't want to stay working there when this other girl leaves. I have said in the past that she should leave her job if it's causing so much stress, but we'll just have to see what she actually ends up doing.  Meanwhile, I think I've kinda become her emotional punching bag of sorts. I really do feel like she is just tolerating my transition out of necessity, but that she isn't actually happy for me. ANd who can blame her with so much going 'wrong' in her life right now. But little comments like, "You can't do this/that as a woman" "You don't need this/that as a woman" "Doing this/that as a woman means this/that" And always the, "you're not allowed to buy this/that"

Before, she seemed supportive and I could talk about everything at least a little bit. But I think that's because she had a buffer, and now that it's gone, she's really going to be losing a lot of what she holds dear. So she just often ends the conversation before I even start talking, it's similar to how our relationship was before. All I did was work on my indie game, so all I could talk about was game dev stuff and everything goes over her head, and it's just honestly a waste of time talking to her about it. Because it just makes her upset in the end.

Also, I'm really upset by this, but I won't be going to the Pride Fest on the 28th. My friend got really busy and won't be coming up, my wife did encourage me to try and do it anyway, though. But it's also the same day as my wife and I's friend's wedding reception, and she doesn't want me to come out to them right now, so I'd have to swap clothes get rid of makeup, etc to try and attend both.  Maybe I wasn't ready to join the community in-person yet, anyway; I mean, I think I would have a lovely time, like Ellie did, but because of my crazy schedule, this is probably for the best.

Lastly, it's wonderful to be hearing from my friends again on Susans!  Everyone's lives are improving as a direct result of their transition and honestly, my own, too! Even if things look dire, I have never felt so happy, so fulfilled, and so valid as a person until recently. You are all so wonderful, and I have been trying to be more involved with the discussions here on Susans. 

Also, here is the next Axiom Verge episode, please watch it and give me critique! Is my shtick funny, annoying, insulting? If the game confusing, boring, just not what you wanna see? I really want to know what I can do to have more engagement, so making a decision to have my next game be God of War after all or not. Oh, and somewhere down the end of this year, I am totally gonna do Sekiro.  I have played basically all the Dark Souls games, but Eryn hasn't played any of them. And if I tried to just play 3 again but with Eryn, things wouldn't go well I don't think, because I've beaten that game countless times and spent hundreds of hours PvPn(though im still not very good) anyway, i'm starting to ramble again, sorry!

Oh, and I do plan on sharing more of my new clothes soon, too!





Anyway, have a lovely weekend all and a wonderful life! Love you all!

Hello Eryn
First off thank you for your compliments very much.
Sorry if I implied that you're rushing your  transition too much.
So what we live in very different places pretty much like different worlds.
but I do remember how very much my life was busy compared to where I am at now,  my world now is merely when the sun comes up in the sun goes down sometimes I don't even know what the date is but I usually know what month it is, and clocks really mean nothing to me now ever since I crashed and burned at age 45 keeping everything closet it in I most certainly hope you do not fall into the pitfalls I did but I don't believe you will.
The world I grew up in is totally alien to what the world is now and I'm so happy for you and the younger members that they can express themselves as their identity guides them. Some of the younger members that I have had the privilege to meet here totally blew me away. In my youth in the sixties and seventies this would have been totally unconscionable and the word transgender didn't really exist. But I am so very happy with today's youth addressing their inner identity and expressing it, whether they pass or not at a very early age.
I commend you for having the courage to wear your makeup for your therapist as I have heard from other young members. but I'm a little old school and think your words and attitude would be a bigger priority then your appearance but I'm a dinosaur with two months of trans experience that I learned here at Susan's. Don't worry too much about the time it takes to put on your makeup practice makes perfect and you will get it in the future my wife tells me it should only take 5 to 10 minutes to get everything done right but she is a CIS female and has been doing  this her whole life she says it's due to muscle memory.
you're way ahead of me girl on the proper way to apply makeup even though I have been playing with it from a very early age as soon as I could see my family in the car leave the driveway I would be into my sisters and mothers stuf and basically look like a clown at and extremely early age. But after I was married of course I thought all these thoughts I had would leave but of course they did not and I slowly built up to her but she is super understanding and it makes no different to her whether you're a female male walking on your hands blue and yellow stripes on your face she considers everyone the same and I am very blessed that She chased me and got me right after high school she still retains her punk rock attitude and edginess and open-mindedness to this day and I feel super lucky to have her we actually have our wedding pic somewhere in Susan's gallery I believe labeled Tatianas wedding pic and I'm sure if you seen her you would know what I mean and even today she looks about half her age.
she is also a big-time gamer and way back in the 90s she was really into it big time and had to have an Alienware PC that was about 8k then.
I'm certain you and her could talk for hours of the subject to me I remember when pong came out and that's about as far as I got because I really didn't have an interest in this.
My wife and I really loved all of your art stuff very much.
When looking in the mirror applying your makeup do you not see the girl behind your eyes that has been living there the entire time as I do Eryn?
please don't sweat All the Small Things that could distract you from your vision of the big picture that you are destined for my friend. See ya GF
Love Tatiana

Hello GF
I just wanted to let you know I'm still reading your stuff.
And I was reading some with my wife hearing she was kind of chuckling referring to providing mannerisms that are natural to CIS women and she just laughed because she catches me every single time and says you're  posing,  you're over exaggerating I never can get away with squat but maybe that's the way it is in my little world up here. Where women and men pretty much dress and act the same. I do know where you're coming from because when I lived and worked in the Detroit area it was much more pronounced but here up in the bush it's more necessity.
I don't know if you've experienced this with your wife but you know what I mean if you have tried it on her.
all the very best to you and yours

love Tatiana

Tatiana, girl, you are a saint, an angel, and an amazing friend! Thank you for continuing to be a part of my journey and I'm so glad my words made your wife smile, too!

I doubt I am 'better' than you at makeup, just today I was doing my makeup and it looked so bad that I had to use my mask again >.<  I think part of it, really is how we see ourselves. I was having a conversation about this not long ago, I'm not on HRT yet and I've only been transitioning for a few months now. But a few months ago I saw an ugly man in the mirror, but now I can actually see the feminine side starting to come through and when I do my makeup well, its like BAM! In my face lol  So, I definitely agree with you on that, and I think it's important that transgirls realize this to help themselves, too!

Yes, I am very grateful that transgender is a term, that there are communities like this one for us, and a big part of that is the internet, y'know? Like, in the 70s maybe there were many 'transgender' people all scattered, all feeling dysphoria, but unable to find any answers for themselves or something to guide them to overcome it. But now, with the internet, you search terms, people write blogs, which grow into widespread knowledge, becoming lists, tips, tricks, and everything growing so fast that it's impossible for any one person to keep track of it.  I'm so grateful to be living in the age, I am. I've met so many wonderful people online, that I just want to hug in real life and cry for joy while doing so.

Your wedding picture is absolutely lovely! Yes, I can totally see the 'punk' in your wife's eyes (if that made sense?) lol  Sadly, for me, though, mannerisms stem from the voice, and my wife is very particular about the progress I'm making. Voice being one of the last things(if not the very last), but I think Im going to try and get her on board at least partly before HRT because if its after and im physically changing, WITH voice, AND sudden mannerisms- it's going to be too much for her, I think.

It also doesn't help that in episode 14 of my letsplay, because Eryn said my wife hated her because she thought of her as a 'mean girl' now my wife sort of connects my voice to "that bi*ch" and doesn't quite connect it to me, yet.  So, I ended-up accidentally making things harder for her.

Phew, anyway, onto some updates, how about it?! I'm always so busy, I try to write down notes but things are moving super super fast now!

So, to start things off, last Saturday I was heading down to a job and called my mom along the way, she wanted to talk to me about stuff. I had talked to her previously and it really feels like she is very passive aggressively saying being transgender is wrong for me, with religion as the main reason. Not that being transgender is wrong, just wrong for me.  And after she destroyed my brother's diary, I decided to share mine(this thread) with her. In hindsight, it probably was too much, but honestly, I need her to understand everything I've gone through for myself to get to this point and what that means.

So, when I talked to her, she kept saying how my voice was surprising and she laughed a little.  She was telling me about bible study and these classes she was going to called "How to Navigate a World of Gays, Bisexuals, and Gender-Identity for Christians."  At the time, she hadn't gone yet, and I still dont know the details of the class, but I can guess what sort of rhetoric it entails.  I talked more about HRT to her and she's like, "Yeah, but you don't know if HRT will lighten your hair, or remove it, or do this or do that" No, I don't know, but I still owe it to myself to at least try, y'know?

Our conversation ran a little long, and I needed get some fast food. I told her that I would have to use my voice, and she seemed nervous about being on the phone or hanging-up. And I know why. When I used it, all she could muster was, "when I hear it, I wanna cry." I didn't even do it very well, partly cause I was nervous, but mostly cause I had just gotten up shortly before driving.  It was just 'surprising' hearing it recorded, but hearing it live seemed to crush her.

Well then, in Walmart, I tend to avoid conversation, but sometimes it finds me. I had a short conversation with a couple of different guys at Walmart, it was hard to feel like if I 'pass' or not.  But they did seem somehow 'more friendly' in an odd way, to me.  I wasn't wearing my mask that day, but I have had to resort to using it a few times since then, usually just because of time and not because my makeup looks awful.  There was this one old guy that I talked to a few times, and at one point he asked me if I was a volleyball player. And it was such a strange question to me, that I was totally caught off-guard by it and asked him more about this. He said it seemed like I had the build of a volleyball player. So I guess my body shape(at least, to some) isn't quite the most feminine, but that's to be expected, I was born a man, after all.  But this made me happy because my mannerisms, voice, and looks were able to overcome my body shape!

The next major thing to happen was I went to my therapist again last Tuesday, and this time, no mask whatsoever! She was really impressed by that, and that made me feel really good!  It was an unusual time slot for me, and the place was full of people this time, it didn't bother me though, and I even saw another transwoman there, but I didn't tak to them, im not usually one to engage in conversation openly in real life, though I mean I do want to do that, I just had no idea what I would say in this case to this person.  But if I see her again, I think I'll say, "You look beautiful." and go from there. 

The plan was this visit to talk about my family more, and get a bit more in-depth about my brother, in particular. But instead we started talking some about the HRT clinic, and my daily causes of stress which led into me talking at great lengths about my indie game dev studio.  So, the clinic wanted a written letter from her before they would schedule an initial appointment. But she was saying it was always that they made the appointment first, then she'd known when the letter was needed, in the past, could be a policy change, she is looking into it.  I will have at least 5 more sessions before I planned to get on HRT, so plenty of time.

Whats weird is my mom somehow feels like the Kickstarter failing for the game I am working on and my status as transgender were somehow connected, and even more surprising is that my wife sort of agreed with her.  I don't see the two things being related at all. I worked hard on the Kickstarter, but I kept working on the game anyway and the Kickstarter failing didn't really negatively affect my personal work ethic. But yeah, it certainly does affect my mood, stress, ect.

Like I've said before, I am a manager, designer, animator, writer, and whatever else for this game. When I first came on the team, because I lacked experience and was unsure of my ability I only had expected to be like a 'assistant designer' or something to aid the main one.  And personally, things aren't looking too good right now with the indie company, and if I didn't want to complete this game so bad, I would have dropped it from life already as it is just draining time away from other things I love to do like socialize on Twitter or here, do my letsplays, draw, be Eryn, etc.  We recently lost an essential artist that had been working on the project for over a year now, so things are definitely not looking so good right now with that.

I'm really self-conscious, like all the time, and especially about my voice.  The only time I really use my voice now is while driving to/from jobs, and now not so much anymore because I am sometimes doing other things, too. And since retail stores absolutely REFUSE to turn up the volume on their radios, I can't sing while in stores and I hate that sooooo much! But, getting back to the therapist, she said I should really make an effort to use my voice at home because Eryn really only 'comes out' when I use the voice.  And without, I don't feel like myself, and I can't express myself.  So, I made the suggestion that maybe I could use my voice just while I am rubbing my wife's back before bed. But this was not a good idea. I was looking at how me talking about transgender stuff was easier on her while rubbing her back, so it seemed natural that this would just be a progression of that. But she recognizes my rubbing her back as one of the things we do as a couple, and she is not ready to give that up yet.  She did say we could talk about other times I can use my voice, but she doesn't want it while rubbing her back.

I continue to improve(but also not) with my makeup. It like looks way way better, but also worse; which I think is good.  I can actually get eyeshadow to show up now!  I think it's just a few different shades that literally just disappear into my skin.  I think what helped was applying foundation and then concealer blended with a less-damp sponge. 

Throughout the week I kept feeling like I would hit a point with my voice, and it would just fail afterwards.  Then I saw mention that having your tonsils removed can help with your voice somewhat; basically helps with a clearer voice across your entire range, even extending your range for some.  And I asked my parents and I still have my tonsils, which is weird, cause I feel like almost everyone gets them removed as kids.  My mom was concerned with complications, and when I talked to my wife, she basically said it's way too expensive. I forgot how much anesthesia is, and since it's considered cosmetic here, it wouldn't be covered by insurance, either. So, I guess tonsils out is just one of those things I might do one day, with enough research, but right now the price and risk for the possible minimal gain isn't worth it.

Another thing that my wife and I like to do together is go to the drive-in theaters, we don't do it much, and they're only open in the summer anyway.  She even said she'd be okay with me presenting as female for it, which made my heart leap with joy! But, sadly, it rained that day, all day, really hard so we didn't go.  And we're not sure when we'll get another weekend free to go, either. 

Now, something I feel rather strongly about that's been going on has to do with the Twitch streamer I stumbled across on Twitter awhile ago. Saw them bringing up the idea for a transgender community of streamers, and I supported them in their vision, but very quickly, that vision became a reality with some of her other streamer friends!  In that time I joined their Discord, I may join them as a streaming member(though I don't stream yet) I was already friends with a few people who joined the Discord, and just in general been meeting a lot of new people who are all awesome! I really like that community, too, and encourage anyone that would be interested to join. Look-up @PrettyNeatGamer on Twitter.

Now, I'm yet again, struggling to keep up with everything lol  I feel like this discord is gonna replace twitter for me, and I'll just stick to posting specifically what I'm doing on Twitter, and not so many likes/retweets from others.  I also learned about this manga while on that Discord server, and I can't wait to read it! It's called "The Bride was a Boy" and it's about a true story of this transwoman who meets a guy in Japan, they date and then get married! And its SUPER cutsey! Here's a pic:



Oh! And I decided to change my channels name soon on Youtube/Twitch, after asking on the PrettyNeatGamer(PNG) Discord server ^^  I also tried to make shorter episodes, and did a capture recently of about 5 episodes I think? In the same time it would take me to do 3, before.  And I really feel like i'm getting close to the end of Axiom Verge now, so I'll be playing something else soon, possibly!

I'm also looking forward to gushing nostalgia with my drawing practice sessions. I'd love to just 'be an artist' but baby, you gotta work for the things you want! Just like how I'm working to be a woman!


Anywho, here is some episode dumps lol





Have a lovely day, and a lovely life all!

So, living with a spouse throughout all this is a rollercoaster in and of itself.  Things seemed like they were getting worse and worse, but now I think they're better than ever! Alot has happened, LIKE A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT and I can't even begin to remember or go through everything, even when writing down certain points.

So, to start with it really seemed like my wife was tired of transgender this and transgender that.  I know I was trying not to overwhelm here, and using advice I've learned from here, but it's really difficult for me, okay?  I tend to go overboard with things, and finding my core, why I am who I am and being able to see how that affects everything in my life and how I want to express myself is way too big of a deal to not be all-encompassing.

I mean, it's hard not to have your ears perked up when you hear about a transgender book, movie, singer, comedian, what-have-you.  As I'm sure mostly all of you can relate, there's like this unseen understanding or connection with others like us.  I never felt connected with men, and I never could be connected with women; I may never be able to connect with those groups anyway, but I connect so easily, so completely with transgender people.

Anyway, so yeah, in my excitement about the manga I mentioned in the last post, The Bride was a Boy, I started to tell me wife about it. And before I could get the title out of my mouth, she answered in a groan, "Let me guess,  it's about being transgender?" It truly is hard not to engross yourself in your identity, and there's so many things to understand, learn, and share as a woman or transwoman. I have several online friends within the LGBTQ+ community, I was interested in the movie "Your Name" before my transition began even, I'm now watching Twitch streamers who are trans or non-binary, I'm really for the first time ever finding the people I actually feel comfortable to be around, and I do tend to get a bit carried away. To stop my intense desire for these things in my life would require me to go down the path of detransition- which I can't and don't ever want to do!

That was a bit more story, some of these are just observations, though. Because I am taking notes and things are rather inconsistent at times. Anyway, I read a post on here about [content warning] urine having a different smell after your on hormones for awhile. And it was surprising to me.  A few years ago, I noticed my urine smelled more like my wife's downstairs than how it used to smell distinctly different.  And that smell hasn't changed, but I'm not on HRT. I am so confused to what that could possibly mean. [content warning over]

One of the people I look up to in the streaming community I joined tweeted about how they told their mother and she saw and treated them like a woman. And it was just a powerful moment, to me, to be reading that.  I felt like something we all seek is to be seen and treated as our true gender by the people we know personally, but the truth is not all of us obtain that.  And that's really sad. It is a gift and a blessing, something to be cherished. It is not something a cis person really cares about, they are already acknowledged as their gender- at least not in the same way as trans people are or arent. And that was something I felt I don't have yet, and that weighed on my mind.  My wife says she sees me and treats me just like she would a woman; the kind of woman I am, is the kind she finds excessively annoying lol  But I had to question it.  Others in my life readily accepted me, but don't really talk to me right now.  I don't know if they really see me as a woman, either.

Then came a really long and rough day.  My voice isn't the best, but it's not terrible!  At a drive-thru on my way to work, I was misgendered; and it didn't sound like they could tell I was trying to talk femme, to them, I just sounded male, I guess.  It really put me down in the dumps.  Then I realized I forgot to download my job to my device and had to call my manager or my wife to get the job number. I called my wife, I'm glad I did, but at the time I was full of regret. 

She was having a really rough day, but so was I.  And it just felt like I wasn't able to do anything right, and one thing she always hates is how I give excuses or rather explain why I did something the way I did. And I blurted out that I can't just admit I messed up, because I'm afraid it means I am just fouled up. And I wanted to bring it up to my therapist, but my wife is very emotionally driven and she explained that I'm not messed up, that I do so much for her, and that she just tends to over-react. She is so worried about me telling my therapist anything about her, I think she's concerned that the therapist would judge her or think ill of her for some reason.

The day was long, and very very dysphoric; btw I have been feeling more and more dysphoria as of late. I got back home and was messaging friends on Discord, I opened-up about my past as a bully. And also tried to encourage them with their voices.  They said such nice things about my voice that I felt much better after talking with them. 

I was originally going to go to the Pride Festival on the 28th, but my friend from out of state was unable to come and my wife's friend's wedding reception was that day, too.  The night before I clipped my finger nails, they were getting loooooong lol and I tried to file them, I don't think I did a very good job. But it is like only my second time filing them, so cool it, okay?

Anyway, I now understood exactly why I felt so uncomfortable in a monkey-suit at weddings. I would much rather be wearing a pretty dress.  Even though we knew a few people there, it was still really uncomfortable for the both of us.  My wife spent a great deal of time talking to her friend from high school, and she was super cool! I showed her some of the assets from the game I'm working on. Also, the bride's brother made an arcade cabinet in his garage, he showed me pictures. It was so well-crafted, sleek, and functional that I actually got a little aroused...ahem! The cabinet could play classic NES games and even N64 games; though it didnt have enough buttons for N64. It had the start, 6 buttons, and joystick; looked just like a fighter arcade machine and it was so friggin cool! They did some wiring with the Raspberry Pi, I don't really understand it, but my goodness I was gushing over this thing!

Aside from that, a good bit of conversation was really just me being put on the spot about what I'm working on and awkward deliveries out of my mouth about it. And also telling funny stories about how much of an ignorant man I was/am, and it was upsetting, but I couldn't dent that what was mentioned had indeed occurred.  But I really don't ever want to be that dumb, ignorant man anymore.

I was browsing Youtube and saw this vocal coach school video thingie about something called Vocal Fry.  And how it was described matches closely with the kind of 'distortion' we girls need to affect our voice in the way we want. And how my voice breaks apart or sounds like I've been smoking, definitely seemed like that is vocal fry. So I am trying to be more careful about it.

Then we finally come to the most recent events(though plenty of stuff was happening all throughout) Yesterday, I did a bunch of nice things for my wife and she said, "You're a god among men." She meant it as a compliment, and also didn't realize she was misgendering me. I was kinda taken aback by it, prior to this point the only people to misgender me are drive-thru employees or walmart employees. But this was different, it felt a bit soul crushing, like I was an absolute fool for thinking I could ever be a woman.  My wife didn't and couldn't see me as a woman, I felt.  And I was in the middle of trying to work on something personal, but all life drained from me- I did talk to an artist on Twitch during their stream, and they helped me a bit, which was nice.

My wife sensed I was feeling uncomfortable about something and asked it, so I told her kind of indirectly at first. I remember talking(without seeing each other) me downstairs, her upstairs, "What's bothering you?" "When you said I was a god among men." "What about it?" (I could hear her voice starting to choke-up) "I don't think you do or can see me in 'that' way." "In what way?" "As a woman" Not verbatim, but the gist of the conversation.

Then she stormed into our room and locked the door, which she has never done before.  I tried to get in for awhile and just hung out, eventually she opened it and we had a long conversation.  One thing she was upset is how I accused her that she won't be able to see me as a woman, after she's been trying so hard to be supportive, but I diffused the problem when I used my words very carefully and explained- I don't think you do or can see me as a woman, right now. I never said you won't.

I had been feeling way more dysphoria than ever lately, and I just felt like I understood. Okay? I get it! I look nothing like a woman right now, so I shouldn't expect people to just be able to do that, but it's not like I don't want it- and she recognized this. She didn't feel it was wrong for me to want it, but for now it's probably too much to just expect it.

Prior to this talk, we butted heads on me using my voice and wearing womens clothes around the house.  She felt I was pushing her too much, and asking too much but I was also starting to feel more and more dsyphoric about everything.  That's when she agreed to a few things, that has helped me TREMENDOUSLY today! She said, I am okay to wear girl clothes on my days off. We bought what she calls "booty shorts" for me and they're basically a little too much to wear in public- though I have seen girls wearing them in public, just not 30yr-old women lol And she said I can actually start using my voice around the house, just when I first get home and talk about my day for now; but we'll build from there.  This hasn't occurred yet, but it will tomorrow so that will be interesting when it happens.

Then tonight was positively wonderful for me.  I got the sleep I so needed, and my wife wanted to cook nuggets and mashed potatoes. She thought it was a weird combo, but then I brought up KFCs famous bowls which we both love, and she decided to make a homemade version! It was sooo yummy!

And when she got up from her nap and was starting to put it all together, and I was helping but I also screwed-up the steps for instant mashed potatoes...yea, seriously, and even after Ive done them right before; I am often day dreaming. Oh, before I forget, before she got up from her nap I shaved all of my legs and put on those booty shorts as well as a tank top that says, "If you were a Pokemon, I'd choose you!" and I was very basic Hottopic chic. Also noticed I have absolutely no butt whatsoever, I must have been fooling myself in the past- that sucks.

Anyway, while starting to get things ready to cook, she suggested we watch Your Name and if I were a puppy, my tail woulda been a wagging! I popped it in, we watched it together. It was a breath-taking movie, I felt so many tight pangs in my chest, I almost cried, I just wanted to cry like a monsoon. I loved that movie so much! It was beautiful, not what I expected, and ultimately the best example of 'threads of time' that I've seen.

Spoiler, maybe
In the movie they talk about how time and unions weave, bond, break, and rebond again.  It was demonstrated beautifully by the story and it really set my heart at ease and gave me hope again for the relationship of my wife and I.  I felt like, prior to this, if I bond is broken, or a union collapses, that is just the end of it.  How many people have gotten divorces and then end-up remarrying the same person? I know plenty of people break-up as a couple and get back together, but it just seems different when you go through binding rituals such as a wedding.

And well, because of my status as a transgender woman. I doubt that my wife could ever love me like she used to, or at all.  And I had seriously thought about wanting a man, not just for his penis, but to treat me like a real woman and love me, too.  But those feelings kind of evaporated after seeing Your Name, and hearing about bonds breaking and mending.  THe union I had with my wife as a man, is definitely breaking or broken, but there's no reason it can't be mended once more.

And finally, to end the day, my wife in her very 'her' way of complimenting my female appearance said... "I was kind of really worried about you in those shorts. But, and this is weird to me but I'm saying it because I think it'll make you happy as a woman. I cannot see your penis, I don't know how you did it, but it's like gone!"

I guess, all along, I just needed to show her that I am a woman.


Phew, no idea how long that was, but here are many more uploads of my lets play for Axiom Verge lol

Wow, some ups and downs there! Glad I stopped by to catch up. So happy things to be working out better with your wife, I can't even imagine how difficult managing a relationship during all this would be, I'm terrified of even trying.

Hey GF
Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner,
I've been a little busy gathering firewood, and I'm a little behind in it.
Thanks for the compliments but there's really no need for them, we are all here just trying to help each other and I guarantee you you're far more knowledgeable then I am about makeup and many other things.
I wanted to tell you one thing that I learned from everyone out here, and possibly a little due to First feelings of HRT dissipating the cloud that has been in my mind.
Don't stress yourself out too much over all the details trying to get everything perfect because transition is as individual and personal as it can get. It sounds like you're shooting for operating in stealth when you're done and you know I wish you the very best for this if it's what you want.
I was a little confused about how much transitioning is needed which caused me a lot of stress to tell you the truth, and one look at my avatar it's quite clear it's almost Mission Impossible and I'm not willing to try and achieve this because I don't want to go through all the things that might not be necessary for me just feel comfortable in my own skin.

Let me see if I can get this point better across, by paralleling it to a train ride from New York to Los Angeles.
With Los Angeles meaning you've done everything you can do to yourself that you can, and the first stop will represent HRT alone.

Okay so this transition train ride leaves New York and makes its first stop in Chicago and some of us will get off there because we're already at our destination and don't need to go any farther.
So this train heads on towards L.A.with most of its members because they all feel they need more.
And then it stops in Denver where another third of the members get off there needing a little surgery let's say added on top of HRT. Now this group has reached its final destination and is happy to stay here and needs no more.
Then the train heads out with a third of the members left, headed for LA
Because they feel they need the whole nine yards, the whole ball of Wax to achieve their final destination goals.
My point was there is no right or wrong way where we end up it's all based on all of our own individual situations and desires.
I just recently came to this realization, and let me tell you it took a lot of pressure off because I realize I don't need to go to LA  to achieve happiness. Don't get over-anxious too much sweetheart about the details keep your visualization on the big picture and see it develop as needed.
I hope this idea helps a little, I know it helped me.

I hope your transition train ride ends at the destination you want,  O, talkative one.

All my very best to you and your wife,
Keep her on the train with you, she is your best asset, glad to hear things are smoothing out between the two of you.

love Tatiana

Yes, Ellie! I am very, very fortunate to have my wife as an ally and friend throughout all this.  Sometimes she makes dumb mistakes, but it's just cis things and I made too many mistakes to count especially before I started transitioning. Recently, she said she was okay going out(to do errands and stuff) together with me in a dress- this was completely unprompted, too!  The bad part of my brain says she only said it cause she knew I'd turn down the idea, but the good part says she really isn't ashamed of me(like I was once of her) she really is way too good for me, I'm so blessed to have her! *sob*

And hey, Tatiana, girl! I was happy to drop by your HRT firt-impressions thread and I'm so happy for ya! Also, I love your train analogy.  I'm not sure which stop I'll end up. I have no current plans to go all the way to L.A., like I don't intend on ever getting SRS or FFS.  And seeing somewhat better results from covering my shadow as well as people commenting on body hair once they start HRT makes me think I might not even do electrolysis, but I'm just not sure.

No, I think who I am and the situation I am in is what makes everything so rushed, so busy, so complicated, and not my transition itself.  That is more-or-less some added time(time that I need to be myself, but time nonetheless) taken away from my busy schedule.  The more recent issues with my voice has done some to regulate my schedule a bit, and it's still a bit chaotic.  I tend to thrive when I have a lot of things to do, but it's a delicate balance between too much to handle and not enough that I just decide to lax on certain things.

Onto what's been going on recently...

So, my wife and I followed-through with me using my voice for the little initial interaction we have when I get home from work. This happened only once before I wrecked my voice(getting to that soon!) It felt kind of weird, and I was pretty nervous. I only spoke a few sentences at best.  My wife is used to giving me minor requests like alllll the time, and in the past I kinda felt a bit more like her butler than her partner.  This time, I thought of myself as a maid, and it made me a bit giddy.

My wife, honestly, felt really uncomfortable with giving me these requests/orders and having me reply in my voice.  I think before, she just saw it as her man helping her, but now it's different like this.  With the voice, there was some definite tension in how she responded.  Also, when I proudly let her know I remembered to do something already, she felt like it came off a bit sassy.  Not like male back-talk, but like genuine female sass.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, do I sound sassy?

Shortly after that came the issues with my voice, and I think my reaction to everything made her realize just how important my voice is to me; perhaps before she thought it was just some silly thing I was doing, idk it's hard to tell. Anyway

I'm worried that I may have actually pushed my voice too far this time. I didn't(and honestly, still don't) know if I will be able to recover. I would like to think it's possible, though.  What happened is while singing, I forced my larynx so far back in my throat using my neck muscles that mid-song I felt like I 'choke' or 'skip' and I imaged that I like pushed against the 'shelf' too hard and had the muscle flip inward. So, my larynx could no longer 'rest' on it or be 'caught' by it to amplify the resonance.  I could still use my voice, but not without tremendous effort and I basically can't sing at all.  Whereas before I could sing for over an hour in the car without much issue, now I am barely able to get through a single song without my voice sounding awful, straining like crazy, and being completely out of breath and energy by the end. 

I had a acute fit of dysphoria that triggered from the loss of my voice.  It felt like while my body was helping me transition before, now it was fighting against me.  Because several things: it seemed like my hair was thinning out way way faster the past couple weeks, I can't seem to get rid of all these razor burns and ingrown hairs(I love being smooth and showing skin, but my skin looks all scarred and it's upsetting), the outfits I love the most I just look awful in they like magnify the fact that I don't have a remotely female figure, and I am failing with makeup once again.

I am pretty devestated(or at least, was) without my voice- I just could no longer reach that sense of Euphoria I had before. (but tonight I got close, while walking, it feels like my hips are naturally moving in a more feminine way, somehow) As I might have explained before, for me, everything stems from my voice. Since I'm laughable at best with makeup, and I'm not on HRT yet so my appearance is basically moot, all I have is my voice.  Alot of passing comes down to attitude, mannerisms, and voice patterns(not just sound) but these things feel impossible to do without my voice, and with my voice, they come so naturally that I don't even need to think about it- I just do it. I feel trapped, again, like before I start transitioning, but with the knowledge and experience I have now, it definitely does make it worse.

I setup an appointment with an ENT and the earliest they could see me was the 30th, which was entirely too long away.  Each day that passed since losing my voice felt like an eternity, and I couldn't focus enough to be productive at all(still somewhat can't focus) And my wife suggested I call around and look for different ENTs and so I did, and I am really glad I did! Since I found one that said they could see me as early as the next day!

I was pushing a lot of risks on this doctor visit, like I didn't mention I was transgender(did that with the other ENT), setup the appointment with my old voice, and was determined to put on makeup again and all that.  I also discovered my favorite outfit right now(ill have to post a picture later) which I wore for the first time to there.

So, I get to the hospital. I was looking for their section, a lady approached me cause I seemed lost and we talked briefly she pointed me in the right direction. She didn't treat me weird or anything, so I think I was passing in her eyes.  I get to the ENT office, talking to the secretary and checking in, they asked if I know when the patient was going to arrive! After I said I was the patient, she still seemed confused then she looked at my driver's license and got it that time lol  It felt really good, and was just the boost I needed before seeing the doctor.

They weighed me, and I had probably a few pounds with my purse and shoes but was about 150, which is much higher than I thought I was.  I haven't weighed myself in so long, though, as my wife pointed out.  That I probably gained a lot more weight and then lost some; muscle also weighs more than fat, and I have pretty muscular legs right now, I think.  In my feeble attempts to 'tone, lift, and shape' my buttocks.

I met with a few people, staying in my voice the entire time, though it was not very strong. I had to explain that I had only been working on my voice for a few months and this really caught them off-guard. 

When I met with the actual ENT, though, I tried to explain to them what I thought what might be going on. And I think he was stupified and slightly horrified by what I was talking about with the shelf(since I couldn't remember the muscle's name) and he told me to just "throw that out the window" but he was also an older gentlemen, and probably just was unaware of such a technique, is all.

Anyway, so they were gonna look at my throat and sprayed this stuff up my nose which makes your throat go really numb. It was a weird, weird sensation and make it almost impossible to swallow. When they left to get equipment and let the numbing effect intensify, I was starting to panic in a room by myself where it felt like I couldn't breathe and I almost gagged, too.

But I didn't, and that's good. They told me vomit would only make things way worse because of the stomach acid, I had originally thought a big force pushing outward from within would 'reverse' what I did before.

They didn't find anything severely 'wrong' with how my throat looked, which is a good sign, but also is like, terrifying because then I don't know if what's going on with my voice is actually something I can hope to cure. Basically, my vocal cords were just really swollen. And this feeling of 'bumping against muscle' with my larynx that I've been having since that 'skip' was actually just the enlarged portion of my cords pumping against it, I think.

I'm taking it easy now, and hoping that I can recover to where I was before this all happened.  And in order to avoid something like this happening again, I have been reaching out to various vocal coaches on Thumbtack.  It seems like none of them have worked with transgender clients before, but I think just treating me as a female vocalist would be the best bet.

In the past I had prided myself on being able to train my voice to such a level without professional assistance, and I am still glad that I did it. But, because of my lack of knowledge with how to properly control and most importantly CARE for my voice, I hurt myself. And I could have potentially cause irreversible damage, so yeah, definitely need a vocal coach to avoid losing my voice once and for all. But that day was far from over, it was a long one and the first time I received something worse than a simple misgendering mistake.

So, I went through a burger king after one of my jobs and ordered in my voice, cause obviously I'm wearing a dress.  The cashier heard female, but one look at me and all she saw was male. At first I wanted to compliment her on her nails, but things went downhill fast.

Soon as she got my card, she could barely contain her laughter behind the glass. I thought maybe she just really liked my card(I get compliments on it from time-to-time, its a Finding Nemo card) that when she called up another employee to look at it, I was kinda embarrassed. But the employee came up, looked at me, started laughing, then called up yet another employee. I just got to be a freakshow for their amusement that day.  What's worse is it almost seemed like they purposesly delayed letting me get all of my food and my card just so they could mock me longer.  When I got the first bag back, the original girl said, "Here you go, sir, I mean ma'am" (she said it in a way that it was an obviously fake mistake) and then went back to laughing, actually exited her station and a different girl handed me some more of my order who was grinning and trying not to laugh.   

I felt just horrible from the whole experience, for obvious reasons. But the fact that I was self-conscious of my makeup and needing to be cautious with my voice made me feel like I just couldn't do anything except sit there and take it.  I can't oppose their mockery because I lack any evidence to show that I shouldn't be mocked. I know this is probably not an uncommon thing, it was just the first time I've dealt with it, and I really am not prepared for those kinds of encounters yet.


But I mean, ain't that just typical transgender life? Having to convince people that you're AMAB, and then an hour later being mocked and ridiculed as a freak in a dress. 

Naturally, I don't have any updates to my letsplay, because of my voice.  I just hope in 2 weeks time, my voice is back to normal. I will have to kind of re-train it, which I'm not looking forward to, in all honesty.

I enjoyed reading your post as our journeys have been similar. I wish for you all the best! Remember, some dreams were made to come true! ♥

Hello GF
First off I'm so glad to hear the way you and your wife are getting together, she sounds like a real keeper and I'd hang on to her tight  because she'll be a wonderful asset to have in the future and it's definitely a great thing to share together as soulmates.

But I also feel very sad for you the way you were treated at your doctor's and especially the way you were mistreated at Burger King.
I'm very glad to hear that there was nothing majorly wrong with your wonderful voice but I must say it sounded like some bad karma occurred before you even went in to see the doctor.
I actually think it's a good thing that your wife got sassy with you in a different way than you've been used to. To me it sounds like she's coming to terms with the big picture and I think it's just wonderful that you both are interacting in a new area.
I'm sure that you felt quite dysphoric after losing one of your best assets.
  It would be like me going to the barbershop for a brush cut, Yikes.
I know that this would almost kill me because that was my only asset that I had with this big male body that I had no business living within.
I think the way you were treated at Burger King in the Drive-Thru was completely unexcusable.
After all you're the customer and you're the one who's supposed to get it your way.
I would imagine you would like to let the situation go but I feel you would be justified to send an email or write a letter to the appropriate Personnel at Burger King headquarters.
Or even contact the local newspaper and describe  the way you were treated at that Burger King. If you remember any of their names it would definitely put them in the hot seat where they deserve but as I said earlier you just might want to Let It Go and move on.
I really think you have a courageous and indomitable Spirit to go out there with makeup on and in a dress and just want to be treated with basic human courtesy that you were not.
I know you're not on HRT yet but I'm sure you felt the power of psychology allowing your brain and body to feel more harmonious.
I wouldn't worry too much about your voice the human body is wonderful at repairing itself with the situation you described.
Hang in there o, talkative one, relish the thoughts of you already  have started a brand new chapter in both your lives.

As always, all the best to you and yours
      love Tatiana