Hi everyone.  My name is Erin.  I am 43 years old and still rather embarrassingly  in the closet IRL.  I imagine I have a story like to many others here but also different as all people are.  I'm posing here for the first time because the last mask I had made to hide behind broke 4 months ago and now I find I'm sick of hiding.

People I have known through the years have guessed one way or another but I never wanted to put the label on and thanks to a rough childhood (I know that's not uncommon either) I mistakenly thought for the longest time that all I wanted was to NOT feel the way I do.  Pretty sad, I blocked every thing out so efficiently I had one trigger for the dysphoria and it only happened when I was alone and had to face myself in a mirror.  but now it seems like everything has me teetering on the edge of a panic attack. 

30 years of masks to hide behind and now here I am...  Things have been really hard lately.  I now find myself having the worst freakin time trying to fend off blowing my entire family up as I love them soooo much.  They don't deserve that.  I have a lot of self-exploration ahead of me as I never gave myself the opportunity to before...  I think I'm ready.

My first therapy session is scheduled for this Thursday...  I can't do this alone.   

Hello Erin and welcome!  Well, you just took a big step in to not doing this alone!  It might require a bit of effort to force your way out of long established comfort zones, but you can do it.  If you have a local LGBT center, you would likely be able to find a very accepting group there that can help you build yourself up

There is always someone here at Susan's to walk with you for a bit when you hit the rough patches.

Just always remember, "this is not a fixed point" as a mantra when you hit those walls and setbacks and lessons.  What seems unbearable today is a stepping stone to tomorrow.

Again, welcome! <3

Welcome to Susan's Place. Most of us were in the closet at some point so the only real differences between you and us is we left a little before you. That is to your advantage because we have a fair amount of experience and we're willing to share what we know. What we can provide will make the problems you will face much less difficult. If you have a problem or question, just ask and somebody will probably have an answer for you. You are no longer alone.

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Hi Erin 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi, Erin! I'm Eryn! And welcome to Susan's Palace!

I'm really happy that you'll be having your first therapy session soon, I found my first session to be so incredibly validating and free! Best advice I can give with that is just be as honest and open about your feelings with them; keeping information from them because it's embarrassing, disgusting, or even terrifying will only serve to harm the journey you're on and your therapists place in it as a helpful entity.

Real quick with family. Basically all of mine accepted me, that of course, isn't the norm. But I think you should also think about how much they love you, as you love them.  They might be skeptical, in denial a bit, or just plain confused- but I do think, as a loving family, they will accept you. And chances are, they always had a hunch(that was the case with some in my family)

I'm VERY curious what you mean about a mask? Are you referring to one figuratively, because it sounds like you actually bought masks and wore them. I have been using surgical masks while I practice my makeup skills, and that has allowed me to basically present 100% female full-time(minus the mask) People on Susans seemed surprised by this, and I guess its a more unusual thing that some of us do, so that's why I was curious.

I wish you the best on your journey, and definitely encourage you to rely on the know-how from ladies and gentlemen here on Susan's, and just mingle with the community!

Much love,
Eryn

Thanks everyone!  I wanted to post here because I read and saw how much support and information everyone here had to offer.   If I do need to know anything I figured being a part of this site would be a good place to start.

Eryn - I call them my masks.  They were me pretending to be something else just to get by.  Entirely figurative.  :-)  Of course I think I actually did a whole lot of damage to myself over years...  I have a lot to work on. One step at a time.

Indeed, one step at a time!  Pretty soon you're walking and eventually you find your stride