Im forever taking baby steps and feeling more fabulous by time.

I went round a friends house and wore my skirt and tights. It felt sort of weird at first but I did adjust and getting used to myself in the mirror. Then I started over analysing my body language and posture, my voice, my breaking wind and wondered again if this is the right path for me given that I can't see where my feminine behavioral mannerisms are.

Started looking about how women typically sit and stand. It's quite scary how much of this is engrained in us that to be feminine, you cannot appear to be powerful. It's like women are supposed to appear submissive

Got back home and ordered a couple of womens tops that are gorgeous, but Im still really upset about my weight. Had a go at trimming my eye brows, bought more makeup.

I've heard back from someone who will help with makeup and appearance. So hopefully I can get a more feminine look.

I've got some anti-androgens now that have just arrived. So I'll give those a go with the estrogen patches when they also arrive. I don't intend to self medicate and use them long term, just to get an understanding and hopefully put all this into perspective and give me confidence Im on the right path.

Lucy

I have been living with a ciswoman for 28 years, and breaking wind is part of her feminine behavioral mannerisms. lol 

Quote from: ainsley on June 21, 2018, 12:04:33 PM
I have been living with a ciswoman for 28 years, and breaking wind is part of her feminine behavioral mannerisms. lol

Speaking truth to reality and expecting it to laugh back like my 4 year old daughter ... 

Without giving too much away, I tried the anti-androgen yesterday.

From such a small amount, the results for me were incredible.

I couldn't get any form of arousal, my heart was beating fast, I felt sexy and gorgeous, felt really calm and peaceful and just really happy.

This either leads me to believe I've got really really low testosterone, or... Im supposed to be on this stuff. 

Lucy

Hi There,

It's been about two weeks since I started self medicating to see how I felt.

Apart from the two days, Spiro doesn't really seem to have any effect on my mood, apart from making me dehydrated and dizzy.The Estrogen patches Im using don't make me look or feel any different. Where's the femininity, the calmness, the rightness?

Im still going through counseling and exploring.

Someone asked me what do I see when I look in a mirror. What do I want to see?

I don't know.

For years I've seen a man. I can see when that man is happy. But times like now? I look unhappy. I feel like an actor. I can make a pose. I look great. But it's empty. It's not me. I want to see a woman.

HRT has advanced a great deal from  when I started it. They now test hormone levels in order to determine how effective the medication is. Sometime the Spiro dosage can be minimal if somebody starts with low T and sometime the Spiro dosage can be pretty stiff. As a moderator, this has been made clear to me when I see the different ranges in doctor prescribed dosages. People also differ in their response to estradiol. I feel no different as the result of taking estradiol while others notice the difference early on. I am on estradiol primarily for appearance and health reasons but not for the emotional effects.

You need to discontinue your current medication and see an endo or go informed consent if you want to experience a feminine chemical balance because it's difficult to achieve without the feedback blood tests will provide.

It can take months or years before you see the woman in the mirror however she could be there a long time before you see her. At this stage it's best to rely on the feed back from others because they will see her long before you do. For me, she was there a long time before I saw her but one day I was walking past the bathroom mirror and there she was. I wasn't looking for her but she decided to show her face.

Quote from: Dena on July 04, 2018, 09:24:31 AMAt this stage it's best to rely on the feed back from others because they will see her long before you do.

So true.  My wife and I were in the car and I noticed that she was staring at me.  I asked her what she was starting at.  She said, "I was just noticing how feminine you look."  Wow!  Since then, I notice it too in the mirror, but she saw it first.

Im talking to my counselor about how I internalise everything and live through things in my own head.

So the idea of self medicating for a trial, seemed like the most obvious step for me. It's probably thrown in more questions than answer.

What I need to do, and it's becoming clearer, I need to step out, I need to find a support group, I need to get that external validation and acceptance. It's not good just keeping her in my head. I think that ties in to what you're both saying Dena and Kathy.

And I thought at the start this would be so easy - try a bit of self medication, see if it works, bingo, there's my answer.

Quote from: LucyEgo on July 04, 2018, 10:13:55 AM
And I thought at the start this would be so easy - try a bit of self medication, see if it works, bingo, there's my answer.

If it was easy, you would have probably done it years ago, there would be no need for Susan's and I would be doing something else with my free time other than looking for people needing that little push to get moving again. There seems to be three things that contribute to dysphoria. The wrong hormone, discomfort with your body and discomfort with your role in society. We don't always experience all of them and each of us may feel them in different amounts. It would make my life so much easier if I could just say do that but like life, there are no simple answers.

While people may disagree with it, there is a pretty standard treatment path that if followed will help you find the answer. It's not easy but it has been time tested and if all the steps are followed, it has a very low failure rate.