I know how you feel about the earring, I really do.  I've even thought that there must be some invisible presence trying to ruin my life in small ways.  At least you seem to have dropped it in your own home, so you will find it eventually as long as you don't throw anything out without carefully filtering through it.

Just don't do what I tend to do when I've mislaid something and I don't need it immediately.  Don't lose time you could spend enjoyably or usefully while you spend ages looking for it.

I had to force myself to stop searching after about 4 hours last night. ;/ Became completely obsessed with it.

But even one more day removed from the medicines, the better I feel. I'm pretty convinced at this point most everything was that I was just being chemically twisted around by the post-op medications. Which is weird, because historically I do not have strong reactions to medications.

Quote from: Roll on June 16, 2018, 02:16:35 PM
I had to force myself to stop searching after about 4 hours last night. ;/ Became completely obsessed with it.

But even one more day removed from the medicines, the better I feel. I'm pretty convinced at this point most everything was that I was just being chemically twisted around by the post-op medications. Which is weird, because historically I do not have strong reactions to medications.

Well, your body chemistry has changed quite a bit in the last 6 months, so you never know.

I had bought Alexa and myself matching engraved pride bracelets, and after moving I thought i had lost mine. I was so heartbroken! But the other day i finally found mine, and i was so happy i almost cried. We hardly ever actually wear them, since they're really difficult to get on, but they mean a lot to me.

I need some opinions. I won't say too much again for the sake of their privacy, as I do hope they may eventually stop by. So the other trans person I met Thursday a week ago before the transplants... I saw them again yesterday and said hi, and we stopped and hugged but they were busy working and I was on way to movie (more on that regret in a moment...) so we didn't really stop and talk. But basically, I've been wanting to reach out more to them, I feel like maybe... I dunno, I could offer a friendship that might be... if not needed, at least maybe helpful? With what they seem to have been going through with a few issues, even the stuff not trans explicit still definitely being trans related (I won't go into more detail here, but suffice to say it is heartbreaking), I feel like I would like them to know they have someone to talk to that understands at least most of it. There's also a part of me that just wants to connect more for my own sake and sense of community. The two things that are making me hesitate are 1) they are only 21, and I'm worried they may find the age gap awkward, and 2) that it would be overstepping my bounds as someone who has really only spoken to them the one time, even if I did feel it was an amazing and meaningful conversation. I know at the very least it meant the world to me. I just... I'm scared of coming across too strong or giving them the wrong impression (have I mentioned I am inexperienced at socializing?), but then I also feel like there is potential to offer them support that may be sorely needed (at least based on my limited impression). I'm just not sure how to approach the situation. Like, literally, I don't know how normal people socialize. Would it be weird if I just went up to where they worked and asked if they'd like to go to lunch? (To be clear: No romantic intentions or any thought about that whatsoever at play.)

And a brief thing about the movie mention. So. Yeah. I made a simultaneously amazing and horrible decision that I both am grateful for and extremely regret by going to see Hereditary without any foreknowledge at all other than "it's a horror movie". So I had the ... uh... "pleasure" of experiencing that movie totally unprepared. And by pleasure I mean that I was becoming so disturbed I almost had to leave the theater (which apparently, has been happening a lot with it). And this wasn't like some stupid like "why did this get made" disturbed based in disgust like say... Hostel. This was just the entire movie was so perfectly crafted and executed that it just systematically breaks you down psychologically. And while I won't spoil anything, it didn't help that there was a pretty big theme of gender dysphoria underlying it, in addition to tons of stuff about grief and loss. A friend of mine who runs a horror podcast told me they just referred to it as "Trigger Warning the Movie". It is not a movie I will ever recommend to anyone, but it may very well be the most perfectly crafted film in decades. The usage of light and dark in it is... Wow. Just. Wow. I... would probably be a happier person if I had not seen that movie, and it is going to haunt me for quite a while (kept me up last night, and that NEVER happens), but the feeling of experiencing it blind as I did was something I greatly appreciate. It has a huge and growing critic and audience rating discrepancy and I understand why, I don't think many people are leaving it thinking it is a bad movie, but the average movie goer expecting typical fare probably regrets seeing it tremendously. (Certainly the people leaving the theater with me did. I have never seen a movie spark a group discussion between strangers on exit before.)

@Roll
Dear Ellie:
Regarding your first concerns regarding your new trans-friend. 
If you are feeling uncomfortable about how your friendship (or more) might develop then I would suggest that you go forward very slowly, at arms length and very carefully.  Even with all of those provisos you can still offer empathy, support and sharing of your experiences.  That kind of support from you can confidently do because it is all about how you approached your journey so far... even though you have only know this person for a very short time. 
Just the act of telling your story and also listening intently to their story can be very therapeutic to both of you and can be very helpful to them.

***Important:  At this point of your socializing with this new person in your life I don't think that going to their place of work would be a good idea... perhaps better to meet for coffee or a light lunch with each of you independently getting there.
-   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -

Regarding the movie:  I have never heard of the movie that you mentioned, but after reading what you have said about it, I now have absolutely no plans to ever see it.   Thank you for your advance review.

As always Ellie... I so much look forward to following your thread and discovering the events happening in your life. 
Your updates are always detailed and interesting... and many times, thought provoking... inducing your readers to think about how to offer any kind of intelligent response!!
Please keep your updates coming.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 19, 2018, 09:17:24 AM

***Important:  At this point of your socializing with this new person in your life I don't think that going to their place of work would be a good idea... perhaps better to meet for coffee or a light lunch with each of you independently getting there.
-   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -   -

Oh, while definitely not my first choice, unfortunately speaking to them at work is the only means I have of contacting them at the moment. Which is something I hope to rectify if they are willing. Fortunately I wouldn't be going over there just showing up to say hi (which would of course be definitively weird ), I actually have legitimate business there. It's in the mall where I am selling all of my stuff, and I park outside of that Belk's entrance both for extra walking and to look at sales and all while I walk by.

Ellie, what have i missed  ?!! Been away for a while.... and you've been socializing seeing other trans people?! That's awesome!!!!!

Only read this last page for now, but go ahead -ofc you can go talk to them...! And say hi! And suggest you'll meet !!!!! Hey come on people socialize with strangers even at a bus stop. You can totally talk to any people on the street and ask their number etc... that's how people meet and get to know each other after all, ! GO FOR IT!!!!!!

If they decline, suggest some other time, give your number and just say you wanna stay in touch . As simple as that.

Just be the normal, nice you. Don't fret about being awkward or anything...! Just make it casual, like 'hi great you're here, wanted to speak to you actually... maybe go for a lunch together or...?' something like that ! You can say you enjoyed talking to them - and would like to meet again. That's not awkward. That's being social, .   

Just a quick update as I'm rushing around packing... AS I'M OFF TO AUGUSTA PRIDE TOMORROW!!! Friday night and saturday morning are the events.

So I got my nails done today for the first time!! A sort of not obvious pink, but its still pink and not clear/skin tone. I am sort of thinking about grabbing some bottles and doing trans pride flag colors for each hand, but that might have to wait until the Atlanta pride.

Sutures out from transplant, and everything is healing perfectly the Dr. said. I'm like Wolverine. But with swords and a fourth wall breaking sense of humor and I like chimichangas a lot. There should be a comic book character like that, he'd be super popular with massive hit movies I'm sure. No seriously, I own a katana because I'm that big of a nerd. I bought it at Disney World when I was 14. True story. Seriously, 100% true story. I bought a katana. At Disney World. Well, technically Epcot.

Quote from: Roll on June 20, 2018, 09:53:20 PM
Just a quick update as I'm rushing around packing... AS I'M OFF TO AUGUSTA PRIDE TOMORROW!!! Friday night and saturday morning are the events.

So I got my nails done today for the first time!! A sort of not obvious pink, but its still pink and not clear/skin tone. I am sort of thinking about grabbing some bottles and doing trans pride flag colors for each hand, but that might have to wait until the Atlanta pride.

Sutures out from transplant, and everything is healing perfectly the Dr. said. I'm like Wolverine. But with swords and a fourth wall breaking sense of humor and I like chimichangas a lot. There should be a comic book character like that, he'd be super popular with massive hit movies I'm sure. No seriously, I own a katana because I'm that big of a nerd. I bought it at Disney World when I was 14. True story. Seriously, 100% true story. I bought a katana. At Disney World. Well, technically Epcot.

@Roll
Dear Ellie:  Way to go... I am glad that the sutures are out and the Dr. said all was good.
Are you going to PRIDE with anyone else? ... or is this a solo trip? 
Of course you will be certain to take pictures, right???
Thanks for keeping us up to date.  Have a good time at the PRIDE parade and events.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on June 20, 2018, 10:02:23 PM
@Roll
Dear Ellie:  Way to go... I am glad that the sutures are out and the Dr. said all was good.
Are you going to PRIDE with anyone else? ... or is this a solo trip? 
Of course you will be certain to take pictures, right???
Thanks for keeping us up to date.  Have a good time at the PRIDE parade and events.
Hugs,
Danielle

Definitely taking pictures!!! Going solo unfortunately, but maybe if I'm lucky I won't stay that way. 

Hi Ellie! I'd Take The chance and see what they say.

Have fun at Pride! Hope you make some new friends!

That was a roller coaster of an experience tonight. Was a concert before the parade and full festival tomorrow. Pictures later my phone is super dead right now.

So, the evening started out bad. Really, really bad. Apparently there was a second event going on nearby, literally half a mile away, and I followed the wrong signs. Paid 10 bucks for parking for the privilege of following some rednecks into a parking garage. I am not sure I've ever felt like a bigger idiot in my life. I was misgendered immediately, which threw me off because at that point I was still thinking it was pride related parking, and wound up just beyond embarrassed and sick to my stomach. Got my car and went to the right place, already a bit soured. Perked up a bit when I paid the cover for the concert, because one of the people at the front was an older trans woman and so I immediately felt like I was less alone after having been among a few scantily clad gay men as I had walked to the grounds. The volunteer girls doing wrist bands were so sweet, almost had identical shoes to one and a very similar watch band and her friend was freaking out over it.

So I wandered around a bit, getting the feel for the area. Wasn't small but wasn't huge. I've been to far bigger festivals and far smaller of late. (The parade and festival tomorrow will be same place so should be about the same size.) Music was going, what you'd expect. Dancy pop, the obligatory remixes of Lady Gaga, etc. I spent way too much money. Immediately I got the trans flag and put it on like a cape. Because when else am I going to be able to wear a cape? I also bought a trans flag bracelet and a trans heart pin to go with my flag pin. Had a delicious but way too expensive slushy. Got a picture of the proof that despite it being a pride event it was still Georgia: The "Gator on a Stick" food truck. Tried said gator on a stick. It was... not good. I like gator tail a lot, but this was too fatty and had been seasoned way too salty even for me. Good gator meat is lean and perfect white mean. So that was a waste of 10 bucks. (It was huge, but even then not worth 10 bucks. But... I'm a sucker for food trucks.) I did not come prepared, went and bough an italian ice that I them took about 4 bites of before accidentally pouring on the ground because I was just an idiot all night.

Had two big scares but learned if nothing else: The people at the event are super honorable. I was wearing an overshirt I should not have, so hung my stuff over fence to take it off and tie it around my waste then put back on cape. And I left my purse hanging there, with my keys, wallet, and phone in it. For 10 minutes before I realized what I had done. Ran back and it was untouched! Then I got some other food, went to sit down and realized... the shirt I had tied around my waist was missing and it had both my pins in it as well! New and old. So I rushed around looking for it, and it was just sitting there untouched. I mean, it had been a while, I had waited on the food and everything. (Jerk chicken wrap. Delicious but... had what were either tiny pieces of bone or a stemmy herb that wasn't prepped right, and was off putting having to pick like... shards of whatever it was out of my mouth. Honestly, probably the herbs, but I am careful about herbs with my own cooking for a reason.)

Anyway, I'm burying the lede.

So after about 45 minutes... I'm feeling alone and isolated. I'm questioning what I'm doing there. I mean, no one was judging me... but did I truly fit in? Well, right as I was getting ready to give up and leave, someone runs up to me and says something I can't hear over the music, and gives me the biggest hug. This guy was gorgeous, I mean like movie star gorgeous. I am not sure I've ever seen a more attractive human being in person in my life. What he had said was "thank you for repping the flag" because of my cape. Turns out he is ftm for about 4 years, never would have guessed in a billion years. We talked for a minute, but he was actually a volunteer and had to get back to it. So I felt a lot better, and then immediately a second person runs and gives me a huge hug as well and just says you're gorgeous! The second person was another trans girl, Aaleyah, who I am now friends with on twitter. We talked for a bit, and I just... In the span of 5 minutes I went from feeling isolated and alone, questioning everything, my role in the community, my place in life... to feeling loved and at home. I stayed another hour and 15 minutes or so, and only left because of logistics. (The wig was starting to really irritate my transplant area, I had to use the bathroom, my phone was dead, and I needed water and stuff. I did not come prepared at all.) So I headed out, but begrudgingly.

Bigger events tomorrow, but now I know how to properly prepare. I'm taking my tote, not the purse, stocked with water bottles. No dumb overshirt in Georgia summer weather. No wig, scarf and sun hat. Something to actually tie the cape through the holes, and not just be knotted around my neck like I'm a kid wearing a towel playing superheros. I mean, it's still a cape, but somehow that feels like a more mature cape? Fully charged phone, and nothing on me that I can't put in the toot or risk losing.

 Hi Ellie,

  I'm glad you got over your rocky start at the festivities. But it sounds like you salvaged the day eventually and did have a good time. Rest tonight and hit it again in the morning. Have FUN!

Hugs,
  Laurie

aw, I'm sorry you got lost and misgendered but the rest of the day sounds wonderful!

Quick pics while toes dry!! I'm still rushing around getting ready!

When I first got there. My makeup covered beard shadow but I was not in beauty mode tonight, for some reason every picture I took had a severe look to my face. Shot of the stage, empty at that point almost.


Gator. On a stick.


Gah, I could not get a good angle for the life of me. I also never got a good pic of trans cape, because my phone was dying. Same for the crowds, they were there I just lost charge before they arrived in full. Did not get good pictures of me or the event.



My attempt at toenail flag. My first time painting nails, did not go great but... it got done. I also didn't realize how badly I needed a pedicure.

Looks fun, have a Jazz Festival in town this weekend . Tempted to go but not on my own so well done on the out and about. Don't leave the varnish on toes for to long as I found it wrecked my nails, took 6 months to grow out.

Awesome! Well, except for the not awesome beginning. More pictures!!! 

Whew. What a day. First, after last night I came prepared. Tote filled with backup supplies, including shoes in case sandals didn't work out (first time I wore them, but wanted to show toe flags). Turned out I may have went overboard, was really heavy. Next time: Backpack and leave everything but the water and necessities in the car. I was not wearing my wig btw. Just a long scarf trailing and a sun hat! First time I've dressed female in public not wearing wig and it was liberating. Trans flag cape, a must.

Anywho, I went and got there this morning for the parade, and saw entire thing from a great spot. Wasn't a huge parade, but who cares! It was beautiful! At one point people throwing candy into the crowd missed the mark a bit and I picked two pieces up, and turned and gave one to the girl next to me since she missed them. She told me I was gorgeous. Much better than any tootsie pop. Was given a pride flag by the marchers!

Walked over to the fair grounds after, and began milling around. Grabbed an amazing cheese steak since I was starving, and I make bad food decisions when I'm starving. Was delicious but way overpriced, and difficult to eat it was so messy. At that point, music was beginning to kick in, and I went and listened. DJ started out with some classics, Michael Jackson and Journey. When Don't Stop Believing was playing that was when I began to really get into it, singing along at the top of my lungs and dancing while screaming and waving my flag and cape. Band came out that did a few songs and a medley, they were really good. The centerpiece was around Soul Man, and have a video of everyone dancing to it. So some speakers started, Dem and Lib candidates for governor, Augusta congressman, a trans activist was supposed to speak but something was going on and she was delayed until later. (She's not trans, her son is and she fights for him.)  More music, dancing, flag waving. I wandered off a bit at that point to check out the shops. Mostly same as light night, but I found one selling the big pan flag and a little trans flag, so I bought those. I then had TWO capes. Maybe more wings. So back in the front I'm waving my flags, flapping my caped arms, etc. During the course of the event several people asked to take pictures of or with me, so that was cool. First was some girls trying to get pics with every trans person they could for a big instagram thing. Total sweethearts! Two people with professional cameras. Also, I was apparently standing front and center for the TV cameras. Tried to get in a giant selfie with the gubernatorial candidate, but wasn't in the one she posted on her twitter at least. Oh well, thought it would be amusing.

All in all I was there about 3 hours. I definitely felt it being there by myself still, but I had a ton of fun. Even as I know my makeup melted off in the heat, I was happy and secure. The only crappy thing... no one commented on my toenails!!!

I have some pictures on my twitter already (link to left!) but am still waiting on the transfer via stupid slow bluetooth to my computer to put any up here. It's taking forever. I mean... I did just transfer like 100 pictures and some videos but... still.

Well Ellie sounds like you had a much better time of it today. Lots of fun and fun things too. Good for you girl. Look at you out in public waving your flags that announce who you proudly are to the world of Augusta! Such a change from that scared girl too bothered to meet with me just a few months ago. I'm proud of how far you have come Ellie!

Hugs,
   Laurie

Is this the same shy, retiring person who could barely leave her room becoming a party animal or did somebody steal her log on for the site. If you did steal the log on, stop using it and get your own.