I've hidden for a long time but some questions and sharing are burning me since a long time so I decided to appear here and let aside my shyness, well the most I can.

I realized in my early teen years like if a part of me was a girl, but still me, not a second personality. Not because I felt that I need to be a girl, it was already there, but only visible in my mind. Being born as a boy, I lived my life like this. First I had frustration and sadness to not be able to be exactly how I am. I envied girls for the luck they have and often that they don't seem to realize (I still do). And all this power of seduction they have, (to only roughly scratch only the surface of much more complex and rich topic), I should have access to this too. With time I somehow accepted who I am in this body, and started to be happy with it because mainly of a girlfriend that made me not only accept my body but to show me that I'm beautiful, attractive and good, so it's far from a total loss. I never exposed my girl side really physically to others. It simply stayed at home or in my mind most of the time.

Also for me it's not just a sexual thing. The proof is, even sexually satisfied, the minutes after where there is no sexual desire at all for a while, nothing changes in my mind, I'm a girl and I need to express it, to live it, to be it. Not just toward others but to feel good for myself. In fact, mostly for myself first. It's much more about happiness than sex but I must confess that it's more complex than a few words.

I'm heterosexual, so I love girls, and most of guys are hard on my nerves, especially in group. Their competitive nature for every topic or possessions is a real plague. Trying to prove their virility with big cars, big talking. To me it's all child stuff. It doesn't make things easier. I never fitted in this. I can play it, but it's pointless. For this and some other reasons, I've being rejected and isolated, and it was always easier to be with girls. More simple. When girls were saying to me "well boys usually are like that | do that" because I was not reacting the expected way, I've always answered "I'm not them and I don't seek to be like them. I've nothing to prove. I am me."

Even if a standard hetero relation is wonderful for me, I had a long relation in the past with a girl that never known I was not physically like her. She was lesbian, and this was purely over the internet from across the ocean, at the time that Facebook was even not there. I mention this relation, because it's one of the best keys to understand and present who I am. I've never felt so good when I was with her, I've never been so myself, my true self, it was like a non-stop paradise just to be with her, as the girl I am, even if everything was purely a mental exercise. It was also selfish. And I knew that one day, she would need more. Photos, audio, and a real meeting. I knew that the most time would pass, the most hard it would be to discover what I'm physically. For me to be with her was just natural and we were happy, but she didn't want a guy, and in fact was despising them much...another proof of what I am, since she never felt one second that I was a guy. Of course, she didn't, because I was not! For the sake of her heart, I finally decided to go away to not allow this relation to reach a totally unforgivable point. Well, it was already too much anyway. I wanted so much to continue, I needed it, but she was not deserving what was coming. So by love I broke our both hearts, and stumped on my selfishness to do the right thing, to not betray her any longer. It was not just a trip, and it lasted for 2 years. We were part of each other days. Good or not it still hurt today. I've tried later to find her again, with no success. I wanted to explain myself, but maybe it's better that I cannot reach her at all, she probably passed the worst phase of this and it would re-open wounds. And...at least she remembers me as I was, I have no right to take this from her. To destroy this would be really useless and cruel. But back at the time I was with her, to live this relation made me eager to be the girl I am, more than before.

Sometimes I dream (during my sleep) that I'm physically as the girl I'm supposed to be. I recognize me in a feminine voice, with my girl appearance, and I feel my body, everything is like it should be and I'm just happy and feel great. I don't see an unknown person because of the appearance, I see myself because I've always known my true form. I see it all the time. In my mind I share both gender voices, in unity. I don't reject my body or my boy part, and I'm looking good and I'm grateful for this. I have lived my life until now in this body. So I guess I would not want to just give it away, even if I was agreeing to really change it. My memories are with this body, and I'm used to it. So I keep dreaming how it could be perfect if it could be otherwise. If there is something after life, I'm sure I will be with the appearance I am in my mind. No I don't mean I want to die, not at all. I like the theory of spiritism, and it says that we reborn usually several times under the same gender before to change. Maybe I've just changed and miss who I was a lot? Sometimes when I'm alone and in a special happy moment or by meditation, I can feel totally myself, physically and mentally, I can reach a harmony that is of course mostly in my mind. But it's still real when it happens. Not by looking at myself of course, but it's like if I feel my soul or my inner real self to mix so much with my current body that for a short time my body feels like the feminine version, it patches every boy puzzle pieces that taking the place of girl pieces, the girl take the most of everything at this moment. If I just look forward, I feel to see the world through those eyes and breathe with my feminine body. It's the farthest I can physically go for now. The why's and questions are for later posts.

Now to introduce me in a more standard way, I'm Stacy. I'm Canadian, born in a small town, under 1700 people, with giant crop fields and cows everywhere. I've blue eyes, blond long hair but naturally black, I switch sometimes. I love nature and the peace it brings. I also like big cities adventures while visiting. I tried to live in it, and it didn't worked well. I've been forced to quit high school after years of bullying but eventually returned back in a much more favorable environment and finally got later what is equivalent in US to a bachelor in computer sciences and got a decent job after that, still not long time ago. That should do for now, I've written a lot already for only an introduction. I have much more to say, but it will be for later.

@Purplewisp
  Hello Purplewisp,   I see that you had just become a member of Susan's Place so please allow me to give you my Official Welcome.

I am glad that you have taken the step to become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your  thoughts with other members here on your first posting and thread.  Your Introduction Post is quite interesting and detailed.  Other like-minded  members reading it will be more apt to share their thoughts with you.

I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with what you may be going through.

Please allow me now to officially WELCOME you to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 

Below, I posted Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hi Purplewisp 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thank you to you both for the welcome!

Heya Stacy! Welcome to Susans!

I appreciate you pouring out more of the specifics of your feelings, that is something I think always helps the individual in and out!

I really can relate to a lot of what you've said, like being compared to guys. I never got along with them either, the stuff they wanted to talk about just didn't really interest me.  And while I didn't know for a long time that I was transgender at all, I do think in the back of my mind I was aware of it the whole time.  I definitely only expressed it through sexuality(or really, perversion) in the past, but I am right there with you. Afterwards, there is so much more to being a woman and all of it makes me feel calmer, happier, and more secure in myself.

I definitely envied women, too(and still do, obviously lol) Their beauty and grace, and of course the apparent power they truly have over men in their form of seduction/sexuality.  Growing up I had the reverse of a Madonna/Whore complex(and I looked it up but couldn't find a term), I think; and at least when it came to pornographic material, I couldn't quite enjoy hetero porn because I felt like vaginas were made for penetrating and they were just using men...im getting side-tracked. Anyway...

It's great to meet you, and I hope to see you around the forums!

Much love,
Eryn

Hi Purplewisp,

Thank you for sharing its nice to meet you, I really appreciate the time you've taken to explain your thoughts and feelings - you seem like a very spiritual person and I can relate to what you said about your femininity being far more than physical or in appearance but also in feelings and how you relate to others. I look forward to reading more about you on Susan's Pl.

Take care,

Sonja.

Hey, thank you Eryn and Sonja!

Some start a new post on transgender talk to talk more about them, maybe I'll do that too.
Eryn: I would like to know more about what you say but I'm new so I still cannot use private msgs for now. So I'll try to catch you later, or maybe in public posts.

Thanks again both of you for your words!