Is being able to pass, ie. not being outed in public spaces, important to your transition?

Personally, I carry a degree of insecurity, which can (and does) get me down, regarding my ability to pass, now and in the future. There are people who would consider that shallow, but others who would consider it human/normal for a young trans girl.

anastasia 

A prominent surgeon I spoke to talked of Blending. Ie being presented in a way that does not Jar with the eyes of others. Now it is up to the individual how they feel, some are fine to stand out and more power to them, as long as they are respecting others and prepared to deal with the reactions of others.

For yourself, As you are young, I can totally understand why passing is very important. As you have your whole life ahead of You. As long as people close to you accept you for you, I get why you would want strangers to not know about your journey.

For what its worth, many Ciswomen are insecure about appearance too. So don't let it get to you too much, just try to find a point of balance.

For me, being almost 40, to blend and be accepted in a TransFemale role is ideal. Anything else is unrealistic as even after proposed facial work, I will still look a bit manly, just in a very butch females athlete way rather than the current Pretty man with brow ridge way I do now. Thats ME . Im good with ME. ......
I have 4 kids and a wife, and I wish for my marriage to my Hetro Wife to work so there are limits on change to my role and  physical appearance. All marriages require compromise
 
In terms of style, a very beautiful trans woman years ago said to me, find a style or two and work with it. ie for me, Sports wear, and leggings, and jeans work well. A night out would be Chelsea boots, tight dark jeans, and a androgynous shirt, with a little bit of make up to bring out my eyes, and cover the little bit of facial hair the laser hasn't yet got rid of.
Day to day, I tend to not wear any make up bar a little concealer for shadow. 


Dressing in things that don't suit your shape or age will get you noticed fast...thats my two cents. Ie if You are 50 and 6ft tall with a typical skeletal structure of a MTF Caucasian, dressing like a Female politician (think Teresa May) you Will blend. Dress like Pamela Anderson and you won't.

We're a community that goes so far beyond just boys and girls. Why help society hold us down?


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Admin>

It depends on what you mean by passing.  If it means that no one would suspect that I am not a cis woman, then I don't pass, but I don't care. 

If it means that everyone treats me like a woman, whether or not they suspect that I am trans, then I do pass.  Obviously how people treat me depends more on them than on me.  I am lucky to live in a place where being read as trans is not generally dangerous.  So mostly, I don't care if they read me as cis or trans, as long as they gender me as female.

That acceptance might change if I went to other parts of the world.  So I don't go to those places.

I had lunch yesterday in a restaurant with my wife and a cis female friend.  We were consistently addressed as "ladies".  That's all I ask.

IMO passing is really the only way one can fully be a woman socially...

In my experience, if you have some friendships where people don't know as well as ones where they do, if you are sensitive and perceptive you will note they have significantly different feels... Only then can you know how much it matters to you and what you find more fulfilling.

- Karen

It is absolutely important to me, which is why I didn't transition until I had enough money for my first round of FFS. I am very realistic though, so I realize I don't pass 100%, but as others have mentioned, I'm content with being accepted and treated as a women 100% of the time, because it is just as good as passing 100% of time to me. And the aforementioned philosophy relieves a lot of stress, because I don't have to constantly wonder if people can tell if I'm trans or not; I just assume they may or may not, and I go about my day.

Important to me also and I´m glad that I do seem to pass and I´m reaching to that point what MissyMay said, that "I don't have to constantly wonder if people can tell if I'm trans or not; I just assume they may or may not, and I go about my day"

So many ciswomen have now said, that if somebody is staring or looking at me, they are just looking at my pretty face...and I don´t think that they are lying to me.

Its unrealistic for me to hope that I will ever 100% pass. There are cues I can't change and thats ok. At the moment 95% of people get it right and of the 5% remaining most don't care. Do I care if I 'pass' not really. I'm happy that I am finally in a body that I can live with. If people have an issue with that... I don't care. I have one life to live and I won't hide or try to conform for the sake of a vocal very small minority.

Passing is very, very important to me. It is essential. I hear about the traumas some trans women go through and it breaks my heart. I couldn't do it.  I could not transition without being able to hide in plain sight.

I assume I pass, because I look for people's reactions, especially the women, and I never get a second glance. I just want to blend in. I don't have to be gorgeous, because to be honest, at age 60, gorgeous is in the rear view mirror, but I try to do the best I can to look good. I pay attention to my makeup and my wardrobe. I pay attention to my voice and mannerisms. I never get misgendered on the phone. I never get stopped from entering the ladies room.  Even if I did, I couid show them my driver's license, or a passport, or even a birth certificate that confirms I am female. So I pass.  I am pretty lucky in that regard.

With kindness,

Terri

A timely topic...

I stopped at a service area today, that I last visited over a year ago. The last time I was not living full-time, and was very nervous, and looking back, very insecure.
Today, I just dropped in, grabbed lunch and left without a second thought.

Am i passable? Not a clue!

Early in my transition, I imagined that passing was needed in order for people to treat me as I prefer (female). My view now is that the greatest majority of decent people will treat me politely, whether they clock me or not.

So for me, no, passing is not important. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

Going into transition I had no expectations of passing, hope but no expectations. I thought that I was too old, to big to pass but I had to transition. My transition went really well, no surgeries and yet from all indications I pass. I had an X-ray yesterday and had to explain to the technician that it is really not possible for me to be pregnant. Yes, my doctor also assures me that I am not too old to get pregnant, but I am transgender and as far as I know it is not even remotely possible at any age. Awkward silence then, I never would have guessed, you're gorgeous. She even high fived me.

Here is the thing. I did not expect to pass and I did not pass when I went full time. That was brutal and I would not want to live that again. I have said on these forums that it doesn't matter to me, my views have changed. Yes I would still live as the woman that I am if I did not pass, I will never go back to trying to be a guy, but this is too wonderful to ever imagine anything less. Passing is more important to me now than it ever was before and I completely understand someone needing to pass. Lol, sounds weird because I never think about passing anymore unless I read one of these threads.

At least I know that I will never take it for granted.

Quote from: FinallyMichelle on June 26, 2018, 05:15:16 PM
Going into transition I had no expectations of passing, hope but no expectations. I thought that I was too old, to big to pass but I had to transition. My transition went really well, no surgeries and yet from all indications I pass. I had an X-ray yesterday and had to explain to the technician that it is really not possible for me to be pregnant. Yes, my doctor also assures me that I am not too old to get pregnant, but I am transgender and as far as I know it is not even remotely possible at any age. Awkward silence then, I never would have guessed, you're gorgeous. She even high fived me.

Here is the thing. I did not expect to pass and I did not pass when I went full time. That was brutal and I would not want to live that again. I have said on these forums that it doesn't matter to me, my views have changed. Yes I would still live as the woman that I am if I did not pass, I will never go back to trying to be a guy, but this is too wonderful to ever imagine anything less. Passing is more important to me now than it ever was before and I completely understand someone needing to pass. Lol, sounds weird because I never think about passing anymore unless I read one of these threads.

At least I know that I will never take it for granted.

I'm not at that point yet, but for at least 5 months now I don't get a second glance unless its 7pm and I haven't shaved all day (a passing condition!). Otherwise no one says anything. After the bit in the middle it felt odd to actually be accepted as a women by the public and, actually like my body. I can totally agree its a gift to accepted and 'pass' for lack of a better word for it makes me feel good every day.

Quote from: MissyMay2.0 on June 26, 2018, 11:22:22 AM
I am very realistic though, so I realize I don't pass 100%, but as others have mentioned, I'm content with being accepted and treated as a women 100% of the time, because it is just as good as passing 100% of time to me.

In my experience it does not seem one is really being treated completely as woman by most people if one does not pass or people "know".

It may be less obvious/blatent than it was years ago, but I think that is still the case.

- karen

I did not go through all the pain and suffering that l did to be trans. I suffered through what l did to be the simple woman that I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. Being read or clocked as trans never entered my realm of possibility. Of course l made my change at a very young age in a very different time.

Quote from: Karen_A on June 26, 2018, 10:33:40 PM
In my experience it does not seem one is really being treated completely as woman by most people if one does not pass or people "know".

It may be less obvious/blatent than it was years ago, but I think that is still the case.

- karen

I said I don't pass 100%, that is all, and from that statement you assume that I am not treated completely as a woman. Ok😀
 
My goal is to help people feel empowered, and I also try to promote realism. No one can be 100% sure they pass 100% of the time, because we don't know what other people are thinking, unless we're misgendered of course, or treated differently in some way letting us know we were clocked, and if that happens, there were probably hundreds of other people that clocked you, but just didn't let you know they could tell. I haven't been misgendered in several years, but I still leave the possibility of someone being able to tell that I'm trans; so I don't understand why some people can be so sure that no one can tell that they are trans, and in fact the ones that usually are so adamant that they are unclockable, will post a thread sharing their surprise that someone clocked them, and what surprises me is that they seem to think that this is an isolated incidence, that only that one person could tell they are trans.

Quote from: Karen_A on June 26, 2018, 10:33:40 PM
In my experience it does not seem one is really being treated completely as woman by most people if one does not pass or people "know".

It may be less obvious/blatent than it was years ago, but I think that is still the case.

- karen

There is that, but then again not really or not completely.
I have had people earlier on that were like that and I have stated as much, often. Even that fades though. My one group of of friends is older, conservative and ultra religious. They know everything about me, I had wondered what they thought of me for so long and worried. I have had them take me to the bathroom, where they peed beside me all the while talking about their husband or more startling for me, ex boyfriends from thirty or forty years ago. Had them, in a group of their friends, pull me along with them and the women and their daughters like it was the most normal thing in the world. Had them tell their pastor, when he stopped at our table in the restaurant one Saturday morning and asked if I was "that" friend, that I was as much a woman as anyone at the table. My jaw dropped then, I won't lie. They have surprised me to tears so many times, and while I don't know why they feel the way they do I am grateful beyond measure that they do feel that way. I don't worry anymore how they feel about me.
  Emerson said that "What you do speaks so loudly that I can't hear what you say." Yes, I understand the need to pass, but people judge us by what we do and who we are more than anything else. 🙂 Of course there are a few Neanderthals that have trouble with us, for the rest they will see us for what we are given time usually.
  In the end passing is not a given and passing is not being. If I had to choose between the two I choose being. Course, I want both. 😉

Quote from: anastasialea on June 26, 2018, 06:07:58 AM
Is being able to pass, ie. not being outed in public spaces, important to your transition?

Personally, I carry a degree of insecurity, which can (and does) get me down, regarding my ability to pass, now and in the future. There are people who would consider that shallow, but others who would consider it human/normal for a young trans girl.

anastasia

People terrify me, I've actually feinted before in some situations, I just get overwhelmed especially if they get angry at me.  I think the portion of my brain responsible for fight or flight, is in overdrive, because I have absolutely no control over that fear.  You know how people get really strong when their adrenaline kicks in?  I lose all of my strength, start to hyperventilate, possibly will start crying, and if I can't get away from that source of fear I might feint.   And the thing is, the entire time I am going through that feeling of panic, I am trying to calm myself down, but there is no reasoning with such fear, it takes a hold of me, and I just have to get away from others.

Most people don't understand how debilitating that is, they tend to toss it aside because they too have experienced fear, and have the ability to overcome it.  They are right to think that, because most people can overcome their fear, especially when it is irrational, it is only a matter of willpower for them.   For me, it is just something that can not be controlled, no matter how much I try - and I have been trying for decades. 

Passing would be important to me, just so that I can function.  I often wonder if this irrational fear of mine is intertwined with being the wrong gender, if during my developmental stage my brain had not formed correctly, but it is definitely there and never goes away.  Passing is almost crucial so long as I have this fear, otherwise I would likely start to transition but hide it from the world.

I'm not as concerned if people treat me like a woman, more so that they do not treat me poorly.  If I ever do get the strength to transition, it is going to be for me, so that I feel right in my own body, even if I rarely leave the house as my desired gender, at least under my clothes I won't feel so mismatched. 

Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to convey why passing would be important to me.  I've actually gone through my post and deleted portions as to keep from turning this into a novel and taking over your thread  

People are for the most part accepting, though transitioning in itself does attract a level of attention beyond what one may otherwise experience...so I understand your apprehension. I think the most important thing is to transition at a rate which is comfortable for you.

anastasia x

I don't pass, 6'1& 1./2". big build growly voice but am accepted 99% of the  time https://scontent-lht6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/31046354_621161471568380_2876802617080545280_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=292f91bc5310396ae016fe03e6621f80&oe=5BB30DE8 I'm 60 but feel OK with my looks

Not caring if you pass or not, isn't that generally more for people who are non binary? I have a hell of a lot of years passing the 'wrong way,' why wouldn't I want to pass as the true me. I am luckier than some and not as lucky as others when it comes to passing. I think it is a beneficial skill to be able to handle it when we don't pass.It isn't only about gender either. I don't like telling people in my life my age. I don't want people pigeon holing me as a dottering old 60 year old. My gender is 'Moni', my age is Moni', my personality is 'Moni' (Sometimes with a side of Monica.) If ya don't like it, don't look at it! YMMV