Hello all, this is my first post here and I was hoping someone might be able to give me some insight.

Since I was 15 I have identified as FTM. I came out for the first time to a sibling when I was 16, and to my parents when I was 17. My family is extremely unsupportive of transition due to religious reasons. When I was 19 I publicly came out and was disowned by my immediate and extended family, leaving me homeless. At the time I lived on campus at my university and have been house hopping since. I started taking testosterone in January of this year and am almost at my 6 month mark. I recently had my consultation for top surgery, which would probably take place next summer. I am almost 20 years old now.

Things with my family have changed in the past 2-3 years. My mother has come a very far way and while still cannot support my transition, has tried to remain a part of my life and support me in other ways. My father however has not spoken to me in almost a year (since he disowned me over a phone call). My siblings around my age are varied - but I think with time it is possible they would come around.

But the thing is, I am considering detransitioning. The past year of my life has been extremely difficult and there have been times my mental health has been so low that I have considered taking my life. I cannot imagine living when my family is not fully a part of my life. I have no friends now and no family to support me during transition. It has come to the point where I doubt if my transitioning was a good idea, because of the high cost. The primary reason i am considering stopping my transition is so that I can be with my family again - but I don't know if that is a good enough reason. Transition has helped relieve dysphoria for me and I have always looked forward to a future where I can live as a man and have had top surgery. But I think, what would it matter if I reached that goal only to look back and realize what I have lost? Is it really worth it?

I have thought perhaps I could make peace with my gender assigned at birth, and live as a genderqueer/gender nonconforming woman. But I have fought so hard and come so far to transition - only to go back to the closet where I have the conditional love and acceptance of my family? I just... I don't know what I truly cannot live without. I feel cornered and at this point just want to give up. I only know that I do not want to lose my family - and it seems that transitioning is the only thing standing between me and them.

Hi Sailor 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
Balancing what your life needs is a personal decision.  And I do understand the importance of family, but you have had relief from your dysphoria as you transition.  You have to weigh out what is most important. 

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

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Welcome to the group. You are in a tough spot and I can relate. I feel that in some point in your transition you have to find what makes you happy, not everybody else. Fortunately you aren't married with kids it sounds like which only makes it harder... You have given your family the opportunity to support you and they chose to disown you, the next question would be is if you de transition would they all of a sudden start loving you again and supporting you because you're back to looking like a girl? And if you go backwards will it make you happy? Like you I had to find my spot of acceptance in my transitioning and my professional life as well as my marriage and kids. It's not easy but I know if you have made it this far then you can overcome this. I would like to think you could fall somewhere in the middle with them. I'm not sure if you quit that everybody will just come running back to how it used to be. But maybe if they see you willing to work some towards them, then they can work towards you and meet in the middle over time. If they want it their way or no way, then they don't love you. I understand both parties have wants but true family supports people they love. It's your life though so if you want it then i feel like you should pursue them and not wait on them to pursue you. Again, love isn't something you just turn off because you woke up in boxers instead of panties.

Xoxo,
Rachelle


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We can't decide that for you. Some of our members never transitioned because they felt their commitment to family was more important. We have some member who attempted a detransition only to "remember" why they had to transition in the first place. What you might consider doing is discussing this with your endo and then discontinue testosterone under the doctors direction. In about a month or two, you will know if you can tolerate feminine chemistry. If you can, then continue your detransition and see if it's possible to mend the fences with the family.

If you decide you need to continue the transition, the family won't be aware of your little experiment. The advantage of this is when you transition, the only possible way to show them you must do this is through your determination. If they sense doubt, it will only reenforce their opinion that the transition is wrong for you.

Welcome to The Forum. I want to let you know thatI I read this and I support you as a human being who ever you decide to be.Remember you are still you on the inside.Maybe your family was not ready for this big decision. I knew what I wanted since I was 12. I came out at 19 to my family and they told me they accepted me but I could still feel that they didn't really think a 19 year old knew what they wanted in life.I waited till I was 26 and the feelings came back.I then told the person I trusted the most and who I knew would accept me.I found out I was a 26 year old male who wants to transition to female.What I am trying to say is right now is make small changes that make you happy but will work on your family.For instance find a a gym and work out it will make you look and feel better.I know one of my favorite things in the world regardless of gender is working out. I wish you luck with your family and I think you should watch this video it has pumped me up quite a few times. Just search for this on the search engine I can't put the link here.arnold schwarzenegger who do you want to be in life

That's an awful place to be in. I think you should continue to build a strong relationship with your mum...attitudes change slowly. The worst outcome is compromising your own life/youth and feeling regret. I really hope it gets better.

Anastasia x

I am really sorry you are going through this. I have had a tough go with my family, for reasons other than your reasons. I have given my family years upon years of chances to support me, to love me without hurting me, to  accept me as I am outside of their idea of right and wrong. My life is almost half over now, and I am now realizing that I have given half my life to allowing people to hurt me rather than standing up for myself and my own dignity. Now that my son is going into puberty and looking like he may be transgender I am faced with a choice. I can try to educate my mom, which I honestly don't think will do any good as she has proven herself to be someone that cannot love me or my children outside of her idea of right, or I can just do better for my son than I did for myself and tell my mom that when she can accept my child she can let me know because until than I choose my son. People in life that make you choose between them and yourself.... it is very difficult. As much as family is hugely important, it has taken half my life to realize that they are not important enough to give my life over to, slowly eroding my sense of self until all that is left is an empty version of myself that they wanted for their own purposes.

It is a tough decision that you face. There is not a right answer. Maybe working on things with family is worth it to you. Maybe your family can come around.

One thing that I have found in my journey is that in "going back" (which I have tried to do with my family) doesn't always work. The past is gone and trying to recreate the past is something I have never been successful at but maybe you can find a way to move forward with your family.

Whatever you decide, take your time with it. These are matters of the heart and cannot be rushed.