Thank you Lori and Lori's spouse -
Having been in Lori's shoes, I know that all of this is gut-wrenching to all involved. With detailed input from "spouse," I agree with Mellissa that we have a far better understanding of the situation. Because you have both put your thoughts and emotions down so clearly, I wonder if you shouldn't just print up the whole post to take to the couple therapist or the psychologist?
Spouse (Could we have your first name, please? "Spouse" seems so formal), you brought up, "SHE was not part of MY plan. It's just not fair. We've worked so hard. We've survived so much. I love him dearly." Unfortunately, like with a lot of medical conditons, fairness - as I'm sure you know - has little to do with it. My ex and I loved one another (we still do). We defended one another (we still do). She knew enough from our living together for 21 years that the last thing I would want to do is to hurt her, or she, me. And yet, transsexualism is a potentially dangerous medical condition that can hurt all. No matter which choice (staying as you are, crossdressing, or fully transitioning), all have possible dangers and hurt. I would rather have had cancer than transsexualism -- far less social stigma and it has the possibilty of remission. Other TS's consider having the experience of both genders to be an incredible gift for learning that most people never experience. I'd gladly take the magic pill to make me, as you say, "normal." But no such pill was available and so I faced a lifetime of angst in a non-conforming body or the POSSIBILITY of becoming as close as I could get to "normal." Or death.
Spouse, you said, " I know she has always been there. I know she is a part of my husband. Part of what I fell in love with." Melissa echoed this when she said, "One of the reasons that my wife is still with me is because she looked at the qualities that attracted her to me and is was really my female qualities that she was attracted to. She realizes that if she seeks a man, she will most likely not find these qualities. She was reminded of this when talking to a male friend of hers." My ex, similarly, said to me that I am very kind and caring in the way many women are -- she found the opposite in many of the men she dated after we split up. Spouse, because your previous husband didn't exhibit these kind and intelligent qualities, and you SEE that Lori has them, I would not rush to throw Lori away.
A wise Los Angeles Times writer, Jack Smith, once wrote that he saw the meaning of life as "seeing what happens next." Melissa and her spouse are doing just that, taking one day at a time. Her kids are closer to Melissa than the previous version of Melissa. What "baby steps" can Lori do that won't freak you out? The couple therapy and psychologist is something you can and are doing. If you're indeed slightly open to the possibility of Lori doing electrolysis, that could occupy her time at no great danger to your present lifestyle. When I was undergoing those painful once or twice a week procedures, I joked, "Forget the psychologists -- The real test of whether someone is truly a transsexual should be if they are able to withstand the pain of years of electrolysis torture." It's not optional. All transsexuals HAVE to do it if they have any hope of "passing" on a daily basis. Perhaps electrolysis will convince Lori that it's just not worth the time, expense and pain.
As both of you are, at this point, uncertain -- neither of you wants to lose each other (and Lori is uncertain if she might be making a big mistake by transitioning) -- perhaps the best thing is for Lori to not do hormones for now (but that, of course, is just my subjective opinion given the limited knowledge you've shared). There will be plenty of time later for that. Lori, if you're concerned with hair loss, you might consider propecia and minoxidil. None of these are feminizing but can help save what you have. If costs of all of the above frighten you, consider that other costs (SRS, facial surgery) are super-expensive by comparison. If you can't handle the costs of electrolysis, propecia and minoxidil, I'm not sure why you would consider full transition. Of course, some TS's do not do SRS because of costs and, with that, the penis would still be there (Spouse's concern). Some men (even non-TS's) take anti-androgens to hang onto hair but it can lessen the size and firmness of the penis. Every action in transition can have side-effects.
Melissa stated, "So far we are still together, but we have an understanding that we will stay to gether for now, but there is no certain commitment for the future. I she feels she wants to leave me, we will discuss it then, but I will continue to play the partner role until that time...All I do know is that me and my wife have always been very open minded people and we will deal with issues as they come up."
This gets back to what I said about taking one day at a time. There is no way of foretelling with EXACT CERTAINTY whether you will find this or that to be the breaking point of your marriage. Spouse, I mentioned in a previous post how I forced the love of my life to leave because every other day was so filled with angst at the beginning of my transition. I wanted the angst to end -- for both of our sakes. Since then, we have remained good loving friends, and I've lamented to myself, from time to time, whether I was premature in asking her to leave my house. Why couldn't I have just let it be and see if it might have worked out? She's now happily married and I'm happy for her. Due to my decision, I'm lonely and don't know if I'll ever find as good a love as her. Don't make my same mistake. Please consider doing as Melissa and her love are doing, taking every day at a time, EXPERIENCING IT, let it sink in (giving time for how you really react, rather than how you THINK you'll react) and then making your decision.
I'm soon going to be taking a risk by selling my home and leaving L.A. There are negatives: There are no film editing jobs where I'm going so I'm leaving the possibility of working at my craft (of 30 years) which I have adored. I could move and hate the weather in Washington state. House prices could rise while I'm gone making it difficult, if not impossible, for me to move back. A huge 9.0 earthquake (bigger than L.A.'s) could happen in the northwest, leaving me in rubble like the people in Mississippi (while insurance companies give pennies on the dollar). But I know that TS's, before me, have found peace in moving away from others who know our (male) history -- that history can, of course, be a source of embarrassment and shame, some of which you, as Lori's spouse, may feel. Spouse, you stated, "He understands that I care what society thinks. I need to be accepted." We all seek that. And maybe you'll reach a point where, like me, moving can solve that problem -- No one will see anything but two women, probably sisters, living with two kids. Nothing strange in that. And this devil you fear in Lori will have disappeared, replaced by the image of a very appreciative woman who adores you. Can that be so bad?
Or maybe Lori will, in the transition phase, disappear and your "husband" will return -- that will make you happy, too. Neither ending seems so terrible that it isn't worth waiting for. A lifetime of love? Sounds pretty good to me.
Anyway, moving is the next step in my transition and yet, I'm afraid of the risks. Believe it or not, I'm not normally a risk taker. It might seem strange to hear a TS say that, but it's the truth. I'm generally a rule follower. Like you, I care what society thinks. But logic is important also -- it reigns in my fears and pushes me forwards on this new direction. And so I'll see "what happens next" in my voyage to a hopefully better and more peaceful life. As I said in an earlier post, it's the best answer for me, so far...
'Till the next day.
Best of luck to you two - you both seem like caring lovely people and I've enjoyed meeting you.
Hugs,
Teri Anne
