I start T in three weeks.

If I can keep my job until the new year, I'll have a huge pile of cash saved. I could afford to get fired, I could afford to move, and I could afford top surgery even if insurance doesn't cover it.

If I get fired when I come out NOW (I work for a family-run small business and it's a fire at will state... it can happen), I won't be able to afford a safe place to live in my current situation, and I won't be able to afford transitioning.

So the stakes are huge. Literally life or death.

Part of me feels like the decent and honorable thing to do in any other circumstance would be to tell her basically NOW. However, if she reacts transphobicly, honor and dignity mean nothing and I am stuck in a worst case scenario.

Part of me also wonders if I can skate by unnoticed until the new year - that would put me at 5 months on T. I'm starting on gel, not shots, so if I start on a lower dose, it's quite possible I won't have any perceptible changes at five months. Then I can roll the dice with my life and have a safe place to land if things go south when coming out.

I AM SO AFRAID OF GETTING A BAD REACTION because almost all of my friends and family - people who swore they'd be there no matter what and would take a bullet for me - have treated me like a straight up leper. It is messing with my head. If the "open-minded" people who were closest to me threw me out like trash, well, what are my odds at work?

(Maybe better, because they aren't personally invested in me in the same way? WHO KNOWS??)

Another part of me wants to be indecisive and says to just roll with it and reevaluate my situation at two or three months on T.

There is also the possibility of me trying to hide it, failing, and then pissing off my boss, too. I'm a bad liar.

Psychologically, waiting to start T is not an option.

I could also beg her to spare my life and let me keep working there until the new year.

I just don't know. I could take another job in my field, but it would mean a 75% pay cut. I can't replace the gig I have now.

This is eating me alive.

I'm 7 months on, still haven't come out at work, pass with strangers most of the time, and no one at work seems to have noticed anything.  if they have, they've kept it to themselves, and it hasn't stopped them from treating me like a female in every way and continually calling me "miss" despite my repeated requests for them not to call me that. 
people's preconceived ideas of you will carry very, very far.  to the point of outright delusion, if my family is any kind of example.  if you're really concerned about getting fired, don't bring up anything unless you have to.  and you'd be surprised how far you can go without "having to".  even if someone notices small changes, they're not seeing the big picture.  it's a frog in boiling water effect.  and even if they do say something, there are a lot of acceptable responses that don't involve outing yourself before you're ready.

Meatwagon basically said what I would have. I was on E for over 6 months before I told hr at my job, though it's a big federal contractor with diversity's protections. Your medical history is your own business and no one else's, honor has nothing to do with it.

I reckon you'll be able to conceal most of the T changes for another 6 months easily. The only one you can't hide is your voice, and for me that happened by like, day 3. Everyone, even the postman, was asking me if I'd got the 'flu. But you can just say yea, you got a sore throat. But the voice will probably just keep getting deeper from about the 2nd or 3rd month and then you'll either have to work to try to hide it, or just carry on acting as if nothing's changed (which is what I did). The funny thing was everyone noticed and commented on it while my voice was breaking... 1.5 years on, it sounds uncontrollably male and nobody mentions it at all.

I wouldn't tell them anything until you feel like it. I didn't tell anyone at all except close family and my partner, ofc. Even though most people I know must have put 2 and 2 together, none of them have said a word, or stopped talking to me.

Come out when your ready and only you will know that. For the moment, the occasional remark can be handled with that's a side effect of the medication the doctor put me on. Most people won't take it beyond that point because they don't want to know more about the mysterious ailment you suffer from. Don't believe me? How many people listen to a hypochondriac? After a month or two, you should be more comfortable with T and will be more able to decide on a coming out date.

I don't think employers are legally allowed to ask about such things in the first place (small, family-owned business or otherwise). Nor are you obligated to disclose it, asked or unasked. But yes, ultimately, they can and will find an excuse to "let you go" if they're bigots. And ultimately, yes, it will be evident what's going on. But that's 1+ years after the fact, generally.

Worst case, and you really want/need to keep this gig... blame it on PCOS.

I have not read any other people's replies, I wanted to be able to tell you what I think before I did so.

First and foremost, I don't think I'd tell her.  Your voice may or may not change, you may or may not get facial hair, you may or may not become more muscular between now and the New Year.  So I would keep the boss in the dark unless she asks! 

If she does ask, tell her you're going through "A medical procedure that's not contagious to anyone in any way."  She does NOT need to know your personal business!  Your transitioning won't affect her in any way, and she can't tell you what to do with your body anyways!

And again, I reiterate, it is YOUR body to do what YOU want with it!!!  It is NOT her concern what you do to yourself!

So go on T, save your money, and do what you need to do to be healthy and happy!

And if you have any questions, I'm also on a gel, and have been my entire time on T, so feel free to ask me any questions! 

Ryuichi   

I pretty much agree with everyone else even though I did the exact opposite, but my job has some gender specific duties that I was worried about the legality of. I got lucky in that they took it well.

Thank you so much for your replies, everyone

I have this feeling of being DECEITFUL that I have to get over, basically.  Also, having seen the worst of humanity since I've started coming out, I am reflectively bracing against every possible worst case scenario.

It's good to be reassured that I will be able to make it to the new year. Then I can deal with the issue and Not Worry.

My therapist was initially pushing for me to live full time as soon as possible. I think this is in part because she is a little oldschool, and the full-time living requirements for medical transitioning were her concern (though none of the surgeons that interest me have that requirement for top surgery).

Sometimes I also think the easiest (and most inarguable way) to come out at work would be to simply hand them the relevant documentation and let them know I've had a name change.

Whatever I do... at least there's time to think about it. *whew*

Quote from: blackcat on July 08, 2018, 10:00:48 AM
Thank you so much for your replies, everyone

I have this feeling of being DECEITFUL that I have to get over, basically.  Also, having seen the worst of humanity since I've started coming out, I am reflectively bracing against every possible worst case scenario.

It's good to be reassured that I will be able to make it to the new year. Then I can deal with the issue and Not Worry.

My therapist was initially pushing for me to live full time as soon as possible. I think this is in part because she is a little oldschool, and the full-time living requirements for medical transitioning were her concern (though none of the surgeons that interest me have that requirement for top surgery).

Sometimes I also think the easiest (and most inarguable way) to come out at work would be to simply hand them the relevant documentation and let them know I've had a name change.

Whatever I do... at least there's time to think about it. *whew*

Since you live in a "at will" state, I'd hold off on giving them the name change papers.  I'm originally from Ohio, another "at will" state, and when I was working, it made me reluctant to do anything that could get me fired until I was ready to leave that particular job.

I'd recommend not doing anything that could potentially get you fired until you have the money saved up, then turn in the paperwork and see what happens afterwards.

Oh, and for the record, you're not being deceitful.  Whatever you do on your off time is on you, not them!  Its not lying, its simply not telling them every single aspect of your life.  Nothing more.

Again, its YOUR life.  Not theirs.

Good luck bro!

Ryuichi

one thing I wanna add regarding name change: if you do show them proof of name change, it can be a good jumping off point for you to explain why you're changing your name.  but don't expect that alone to say anything for you.  they'll just think that's an odd name for a girl unless you spell it out for them. 
but yeah, don't make any moves until you're not worried about your job unless you really feel like it can't wait.

I was worried about work as well, my wife was terrified. I work on contract and own my own business but only have two full time contracts which are 90% of my income. I decided to
Talk to the board president one day while she was having coffee and a smoke. I just told her I was making some major changes in my life( she thought I was quitting).. I showed her my nails and pulled my oversized shirt tight across my chest and explained that I was transitioning and seeing as my chest was getting to big to hide ( she thought it was gyno) I had to come out. This was in February this year and her only request is to be able to let the other board members know, she would back me 💯 and to give her a heads up before coming in full female mode. I switched over to feminine cloth full time and shaved my face. About a week later I had my ears pierced and a couple days later my first wig. A week later at the start of March I called her from work and let her know Donna was at work and I've been Donna ever since.

I'm starting hormones soon too, and I'm not planning to come out anytime in the next year unless I absolutely have to. I'm hoping I can escape to a friendlier state/country first. I'll probably change my name to Robin but keep the M on everything and say I'm changing it for artistic reasons (to match my pen name, y'know).

That said, I'll be on E, not T, so the main thing I'll have to worry about is my breasts after 6+ months. Your voice will start cracking pretty soon after starting hormones, and it'll probably be a lot harder to hide a suddenly-deep voice. Best of luck.