Hey all! Just anpost for the the day as I don't post here near as much as I once did. My post is about my fears mainly but also about resolve.

This year, 2018 has been, quite crappy I'm not going to lie. I lost a job because I was back stabbed and not personally liked for starters, not that I miss that job either. I mean I knew they were going to can me in Fecember but it was how they didn't even try to hid it. Then the following month I had to relive every truama ever and it lingered for a while. March and April were horrible months aside from a solid week or so in both and May was just intense. It started off very very bad then I got a break in the middle that was great then the bad came back and lingered till end of month. June has turned things around however and I am making progress. I have confronted many of my weaknesses and improvised on my strengths. I am starting new job tomorrow as a chef at a casino and am so greatful! It's like the universe finally gave me a break and I plan to make it!!

I have noticed my dysphoira isn't gone but is different. This past month I have been affected less by it then any other time in a long while. I no long cringe ornget panicked when I see my reflection ;assuming beard stubble is covered) and I can relate to that girl andnlove her. I find at the same time I am not as dismissive of my old life. I have been anxious about running into peopl who knew the old mask but not the girl behind it (pre transition life). However after telling people on fb about my new position at a job and old friend I haven't seen since 2008 messaged me via inbox to congratulate me and said when I visit the west coast again me and xx and xx and xx (all old male friends I had in middle school) need to get tongether and have a BBQ inwas actually kinda happy. Happy that my old friends are accepting and happy of where I'm going and truth be told I would like to meet them and hang out. Before I would be squeamish as the thought of " I would be hanging out with guys who I hung out with when I was a "guy" and therefore xyz " and then end up feeling very dysphoirc. But when that offer was made that idea didn't pop in my head. What did as I said was my old friends are happy for my successes in life and want to see me again. Playing on that idea I guess me knowing I am a woman in heart , soul and body too now doesn't make me feel I'm "among the boys" but just visiting old friends and getting them to know the real me! That new perspective made me feel happy, and since we are all older and more mature and not having to "one up" as many kids do with friends maybe I will learn something more about them I didn't know!

There is however one concerning thing. When my dysphoira does rear it's head in it's bad. I don't get that massive panicked feel I was accustomed to having. Now however I feel super numb when it gets out of hand. Numb but I still have the tendency to vomit or dry heeve if it gets overwhelming (more so when I shave then any other time and yeah...) and sometimes I notice my lungs feel like it's getting pins and neetles. That still scares me when it happens, but atleast I had some good come in the last 42 days..