im pan, but before I came out, it would have taken a very special guy to get me(it has happened both before and after I came out) but ive noticed that after I was more open and not as picky, could that be related to a almost complete disappearance of my depression(as long as I don't go near a mirror Im fine) or is it that im just more sure of myself now that im not worried about hiding? I honestly never could figure this one out so now im asking that question that ive had nagging at the back of my head for a while. and since im out as female 100% of the time without anything(I don't pass but tbh, as long as you don't get physical, idc what someone says about me) would having to hide been the root of why I didn't allow myself easily to date outside social expectations or even act or dress outside that and the root of my depression?

Lilly

I had a similar problem. Before coming out I could not reconcile my attraction to guys with knowing that being a gay male did not feel right. Since being honest with myself, I sure do love 'em. Well, the right ones! I'm pan as well though, so girls too! Just never had an issue with that one.

wow. thank you for that. it actually answered my question here exactly.

I think repressing myself and trying to deny being trans made me also closed to my attraction to guys. I do remember feeling it in some ways a few times before. I still am so much attracted to women but some aspects of men I do find attractive. Still I can't figure out why some girls find a guy handsome. That part just doesn't work for me. Other aspects are so much more desirable though. 

I've thought about this a bit lately. I don't ever remember being turned on by guys openly but what guys I did try to be friends with the relationship was very close and long lasting. I have had sex many times with guys in my dreams, I usually end up offing them for raping me.
I remember being upset when my best friend Jeff got married. We did everything together. Bobby and I have been friends for thirty years. Gary was a high school friend but kind of cro-magnon.
But then I have not been really gung ho on sex with women. My first wife quit when she didn't get the amount she thought she should get. Luckily with my present wife it has not been much of a problem. We do still love to be intimate but does not involve doing the do.

Honestly Ive always been secretly attracted to guys, the thought of me being gay has always turned me off, but I did always see me with them with me as a full women. Im not sure if I'll end up even as a full women with a guy mostly because of past experiences not ending well (nothing sexually but even ending on a bad emotional level can turn people off). Im just looking for a strong emotional bond something beyond sexual attraction tbh

Hello Lilly
I think you're doing wonderful dear with your indomitable spirit.
Grasping your identity and expressing it at your young age is truly to be commended.
As you I to feared the dreaded mirror.  But now when I look into it I see the girl behind my eyes that's been living in there the whole time.
All that matters is what you think about yourself in your own head.
Who really cares what others think about you is it not our life to live as we want, not theirs
And know this dear in the short time I've been here I have already experienced a couple members that when they successfully transitioned their preferences for partners changed as they have changed and were successful in achieving this as I'm sure someday you will be too.
all the very best for your future love Tatiana

Thank you to all those who posted. Especially you Tatiana, for that point. I honestly find it hard to get around the mirror issue(family has a thing for FULL BODY mirrors, and I hate the mirrors). also, that is a true point Tatiana, I will try to focus more on what I think of myself and less on my outward appearance.