Here is a good link I found that has some really good questions.

http://www.genderpsychology.org/transsexual/question.html

At the end, it mentions "But the real question, and the only question, you need to answer is this: what path for your life will let you be happy?".  This is a very good question and definitely one of the major ones I was asking myself when I was still in the confusion stage.  In fact, sometimes I don't feel like I'm moving fast enough and other times I feel like I'm progressing nicely.  So far, my transition has gone fairly quickly compared to some people.  My 2 biggest concerns are electrolysis and hair length. I really wish I hadn't had so short of hair when I started.  I suppose there is always hair extensions. I think I will be fine with regards to facial hair as well.  Anyway, good luck with your decision in your life.

Melissa

Melissa maybe I'm going insane over deciding to transition because I am going about it all wrong. A different point a view perhaps would be...

Maybe transitioning does not make one happy. Transitioning is what makes it possible for one to find happiness.

I like that, and I can see how it could.

Instead of asking the hard core questions...Understand everything in my past and decide what it all means, and what possible effect it had leading up to where I am now, and get a better understanding of my emotions.

This is an interesting topic I've enjoyed reading the varied replies, and Lori your reply is interesting in that it is almost a direct quote from "Gender Identity Disorder (GID) Case Study: an Autobiography of a Transsexual Psychology Graduate Student", which is in itself an interesting article and includes

Quote"Perhaps the answer is that transitioning does not make me happy. Transitioning is what makes it possible for me to find happiness."

You definitely seem to have latched on to something.

Keep going folks

Steph

That is one of the best statements I have heard regarding this.  As to thinking deeply about your past, that is something I did a lot of.  However, being younger, I did not have quite as many years to ponder over.  After pondering long enough, I knew I was sure enough about transitioning that I wanted to do it while I am still young.  Also, while I was digging into my past, I came across some painful buried memories and that pretty much triggered a landslide and I became very depressed and virtually non-functional. I even started having panic attacks sometimes.  In other words dysphoric.  This alone told me that I needed to transition. As I went along, I would read things here and there that validated that transition was right for me.

Once I started hormones, it was a HUGE relief and I became more functional, although I still have my problems from time to time.  Would I say that I'm fine at this point?  No.  I am hoping that once I begin living fulltime, this will improve my condition, since I have heard it had this effect on other transsexuals.  So, maybe this breif description of how I got from where you are to where I am now might be helpful.

Melissa

For what it is worth I would describe transitioning as removing pain, not finding happiness. Although I am finding that path to happiness is presenting itself in greater clarity than ever before.

Quote from: Kimberly on March 09, 2006, 12:07:29 AM
I would describe transitioning as removing pain, not finding happiness.

In other words: Transitioning is what makes it possible for one to find happiness by removing pain.

Melissa

I prefer Lori's and Stephs
"Perhaps the answer is that transitioning does not make me happy. Transitioning is what makes it possible for me to find happiness."

For me (and I'd guess others), it was more complicated than
"Transitioning is what makes it possible for one to find happiness by removing pain."

The complication is that there's STILL pain after transition, It's just DIFFERENT:  You have INNER peace but, on the OUTSIDE, society provides angst-causing noise.  But, in studying the TWO PAINS:

The pre-transition pain (gender dysphoria) is nearly impossible to cure without transition (a difficult, expensive, painful, risk-filled process)

The post-transition pain (societal intolerance) can often be cured (presuming you're passable) merely by moving and going stealth.  If people find out, you move again.  Beats the pain of getting zapped by an electrologist!  Or recovering from surgery.  And there's always the chance that you'll grow annoyed with being pushed around and so, instead, respond, "You don't like me?  That's YOUR problem!  I'm staying."

I'll take that post-transition pain WAYYY over the pre-transition pain.  It's a lot easier to solve.

Teri Anne

Quote from: Teri AnneI prefer Lori's and Stephs.

Sorry if I misled anyone Teri Anne, but just to clarify my post I wasn't agreeing with any of the posts to this topic or even puting forward my views, I just making an observation on the views and ideas that have been written:)

Steph

I'm pretty much constantly thinking about transitioning these last few months too. I've always toyed with the idea, ever since learning that such things were possible, but only fairly recently have I begun considering it as an actual possibility. I think when one ponders such a mind-boggling option, it's going to occupy one's thoughts quite a bit

But what is confounding me is I can't figure out WHY I want to do this. I don't crossdess. I don't go out "enfemme." I don't think about having breasts. In fact, the thoughts that transitioning might mean I WILL have to wear uncomfy heels and bras, worry about my hair, and so on... seem like reasons to NOT transition. There was a time years ago when I was more fascinated with feminine trappings, but these days... I don't know, it's just not there.

ALL that's left instead is a much more focused desire/need to transition that I just can't seem to shake. In fact, it's almost as if it's happening on it's own now, dragging me along with it, now that the distractions are gone. I've started seeing a therapist(s). I have an appointment to start laser hair removal soon. All things that a year ago would have seemed so "not me," and yet I find myself doing them. It feels like I need this process, I need to be moving in this direction in order to survive. I'm terrified of actually transitioning, but I don't know if I could bear NOT heading this way. And now that I've opened pandoras box, I don't think it can be closed again.

Kate,
Yes, I opened the same Pandora's box.  I sometimes question if the act of wearing women's clothing at a young age can have a cause and effect result.  Others say that TS's try on their mom's or sister's clothing BECAUSE they are TS.  Was that my Pandora's box?  Or was it the birth drugs my mom was given when pregnant?  Or was it the time I fell off a car when I was a kid?  Or the turpentine I drank as a kid? (and had to have my stomach pumped out -- no, I wasn't suicidal, I was just a dumb kid)  Or the fact that a part of the brain in TS's is the same size as that part in genetic women?

I hope for medical causes for transsexualism in part to legitimize my feelings.  Others say, if you're happy (which I am), does it really matter?  Even though I'm post-op, I love to question things about gender and character formation -- it fascinates me.  In that process, I sometimes ponder, if kids are raped at a young age and they end up, later in life, rapists, can something like clothing, at an impressionable age, cause problems later?  Since that early introduction to women's clothing, I've grown bored with clothing and prefer casual stuff.  Overtly feminine things are just plain uncomfortable.  I think you're being logical.  Plenty of genetic women and men would agree.

Another reason to be bored with clothing is the newness issue:  When you get a new car, you're VERY excited about it.  After a few years of owning it, it's "transportation."  When you first fall in love with a woman, your heart pumps wildly.  When you've been married a few years, there's comfort in hugging.  Even though there's a lot of trauma in transitioning, I also can confess that it can be thrilling.  Wearing a dress to work for the first time, I didn't know if I'd die with fright or happiness.  Then, after a few years, some pants seem perfectly fine to wear.

"How you gonna keep 'em down on the farm after they've seen Pareee?"  I don't know.  I've seen Paris.  It's exciting at first but, after awhile, you come to realize that, like any city, it has smog and traffic.  The thrill may be gone but you still like the place enough to continue living there.  That's the way I view being female.  It may not be as exciting as during transitioning, but I still like the place.

Can you get off the train to Paris?  Yes.  Of course.  But weigh your reasons for wanting it carefully.  And don't let momentary excitement of new things or new goals confuse the issue.   When you dig on a hillside of sand, sometimes the ground can slip from under you and take you to a place where you didn't intend to go (My gosh -- Maybe I wrote proverbs in my previous life).   

Teri Anne

Hiya Teri,

Yes, the whole thing fascinates me too. I'm not so sure I enjoy being my own lab experiment, lol, but it IS a fascinating subject to explore... probably *because* it's so complicated, convoluted, and impossible to untangle. Exploring this issue is a bit like surfing the web... one link leads to another, and to another, and pretty soon you're SO far from the point. But you've learned so much in the journey that it creates. The whole thing is so wonderfully symbolic of the heroic journey, of finding yourself, bringing a dream to life, crossing an impossible barrier, slaying your dragon, and so on.

I feel for you Lori, I really do. Believe me, I've turned the internet upside down trying to find answers. I've dug up feelings and ill-conceived ideas I never knew I had. I've spent evenings sobbing at the bottom of a shower stall for no particular reason other than just the TENSION becoming so unbearable.

But why does it become obsessive? Because I think we know what we really want to do, and we just keep trying to find a way to justify it, both to ourselves and to everyone's lives we disrupt. In my case, I'm apparently not willing to accept the responsibility for that choice, so I search and search for some justification, some reason why I "have" to do this. Something I can point to and say, "See? I Had No Choice." The need to do this never goes away, and seems to usually ripen around middle age. I have this weird sensation that I'm packing before an approaching storm... trying to get everything sorted out before it hits. And yet none of this, none of the research, explanations, theories, therapy... none of it is doing a thing to stop this from happening. But I can't help myself from desperately trying.

Hi Kate,

I have had though exact same feeling of wanting to transistion grow within me the last few months. I am coming from a slightly different path as I am a cross dresser.

The mind is a very powerfull within ourself. I do not think anyone will be able to completly say why you want to transition but we are all different and it seams to me that most of the people who transition identified themselves as a female well before they stated the process of transitioning.

There is plently of resources within Susan's for you to look at - in particular the Wiki has plenty of infomation ( https://www.susans.org/wiki/Main_Page). You are not alone in being facinated about transitioning.

Alice

First, this has been a huge-ly interesting topic, and has brought up many questions I've asked myself over the years and especially more recently as I've started my own transtition.

I won't comment on every item that piqued my interst or resonated with me -- just some of the highlights.

CLOTHES -- I guess I failed as a crossdresser prior to deciding to transition.  Did I have no interest, or was I avoiding a slippery slope?  I really don't know.  Since beginning transition, I can't keep my nose out of the Lane Bryant catalog, wondering, "How would I look in that?..."  I've put together a nice small collection of feminine (not 'sexy') sleepwear, and feel comforted while wearing it.  But I look at what most natal women are wearing these days.  You don't see many skirts or flowy/ruffled blouses, do you?  What Teri Anne and Leigh said about plain/drab pants and tops is pretty much the norm and, with the exception of attending events where you're supposed to dress up, is where I suspect I'll find myself.

BTW, this is where I buy my guy clothes, and now they have a line of gal clothes, too.
http://www.duluthtrading.com/store/womens/womens.aspx

OBSESSION -- Hmn... I feel as if I've been studying all my life for transition.  Even back when I was in denial, I was keenly interested in articles on gender and ->-bleeped-<-.  I caught the Phil Donahue show with Wendy Carlos (nee Walter), and remember watching with an -- intensity...  (It helped that Switched on Bach was/is one of my favorite albums.) 

An aside -- Wendy made a comment on the show about HRT.  She'd detailed the suicidal ideation 'he' had had, imagining using the razor blade from the tape splicing block to slit 'his' wrists.  After two months on HRT, she accused her doctor of secretly prescribing valium, because she felt the calmness and serenity that valium had provided in the past.

Another example was reading an article in a science magazine about Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome -- how a genetic XY male could have a birth defect that prevented 'her' body from responding to any form of testosterone -- the fetal genital tissue never gets the signal to organize into a phallus and scrotum, and then at puberty the body can't respond to whatever testosterone the body is capable of producing.  I also found out this wasn't the best topic of conversation with 'the guys.'

I read many such articles relating to gender, orientation, the physiology of sex, etc., absorbing the information.  It didn't feel like an obsession -- maybe a strong interest.  Looking back now -- what was it?

PSYCHOLOGY vs PHYSIOLOGY -- 'Want to' vs. 'Need to' is what it seems to boil down to.  Hmn.  Based on a comment my mom made to me (that my sisters were at greater risk for cervical cancer because of 'a drug' she was given during pregnancy,) I suspect I'm a DES child (DES is a synthetic estrogen.)  She also married into a family of rich but haughty and mean-spirited people who would stress her to crying every day about how she was unworthy to be a member of their illustrious family (pregnant women under stress tend to produce elevated levels of estrogen, and there's a statistically significant increase in homosexuality and ->-bleeped-<- in the population whose mothers were pregnant with them AND were living in europe during the end of WWII)

So if it's physiological, I think I've made a pretty good case as to why I ended up transgendered.  The problem seems to be with those who for whatever reasons are obsessed with insisting "it's all in your head." (<EDITORIALIZE> And the worst offenders in my book are those who insist "God makes no mistakes," but will insist on surgery to correct thir baby's cleft palate... </EDITORIALIZE>)  I, too, am looking for an argument-proof physiological reason -- one that shuts up the alumni of the School of Constipated thinking ("Hey, Haz!  Don't hold back, tell us how you REALLY feel...")  Yet, in the end, does it really matter to us?  Shouldn't we be able to choose for ourselves without other people trying to make the decision for us, for 'our own good,' whatever that is?

OTHERS -- I'm waiting for the day (and it WILL come,) when some Neanderthal says to/about me, "You're a FREAK!!!"  If I think I can safely get away with it, my answer will be, "No, I'm YOUR freak."  We are NOT freaks to each man, woman and child in the world.  We're certainly not freaks to ourselves.  We find people who accept us and support us as human beings ought.  And, yes, we find those who are casting for the bit part of 'freak' in their life screenplays, who can only elevate their own self esteem by stepping on others.  That's what I meant by "No, I'm YOUR freak."  I'm not a freak to 'everybody', therefore I'm not a freak (though I'll likely remain a 'curiosity' to most people (being one out of 3,333.))

The irony is that in order to find my true self and increase my potential for happiness, I now have to study for yet another a societal role.  I studied to be 'male' for (counting from age 5,) 44 years, and gotten pretty good at it.  Now I have to study for the so-called opposite role.  The better I play the role, the fewer people I'll weird-out at a first meeting (isn't that why 'passing' is so desirable?)  Why can't I just be 'me', whatever that is?  Why do I still have to conform to society's mores?

Terri Anne, I'm saddend to hear your romantic interests ran when learning your status, I hope you soon find an accepting significant other.  It shouldn't be that way, but the majority of people see gender as an either/or.  It kind of comes around back to what I mentioned earlier about brighter, more intelligent people pursuing transition.  They may see the truth that gender and orientation is a spectrum, not an either/or.  And they will be less likely than the average-to-dull group to see transsexuals as guys-in-dresses and women-who-crave-penises, never mind the supreme confusion the average-to-dulls go through trying to play, "And, what sexual orientation IS it?"  (Teri Anne, maybe you can improve your chances of finding a good relationship if you try hanging out where smart people congregate.  )

No, this is the world in which we must live.  We can't change it, we can only change orselves. (HEY!! we're doing just that!!    )

Lastly, Lori, I'm sickened to hear your description of what happened to you during your childhood.  No child should EVER go through that.  I received psychological and some physical abuse at the hands of a stepfather and his two neanderthal sons, but nowhere near what you have described.  In your case, the moral books cry out for being balanced in some way, but I don't know what could be done to your parents that would ever make up for what you've described them doing to you.

I do have a bit of a fantasy in my case, though.  after I've fully transitioned, I get dressed/made up as feminine as possible and go visit my former stepfather (if he's not dead yet.)  After I convince him I'm the stepson he used to persist in trying to make a man out of, and while he's still in shock, I hug him, plant a kiss on his cheek  and thank him for helping make me the woman I am today!  >

(Yah, I know.  It's so-o-o passive-agressive  )

Lori, I hope that put a smile on your face!

Haz

EDIT: Spellos <sigh>

Kate, You nailed it on the head as to why we're obsessive.  If the WORLD didn't mind our transitioning and looked upon it like we were fixing a birth deformity (like fixing a baby's cleft pallate), we would not obsess, plain and simple.  We obsess because we fear what others will do to us (from making us feel guilty to treating us badly to killing us).  So Lori, I theorize you aren't obsessing because you have worries about how YOU will  like it.  You're obsessing because you fear how OTHERS will like it.  To me, it's all a question of whether you want to give the outside world that much power over yourself.

Hazamu, you brought up so many points that were great (and a few I'd forgotten).  You're so much more educated about the TS thing than I was when I transitioned in 1999.  The internet is an incredible tool for knowledge.  I love Googling and the learning never seems to end, one web page leading to another.  There is, of course, a validation factor in the internet which people should be aware of.  Even skinheads can find validation for their hatreds on some web pages.  I fear some young TG's or CD's reading stuff and getting motivated to transition when, in reality, they might be happier staying where they are.  Yes, we talk about the pitfalls of transition often enough but some young men, who still have testosterone in them, might see such pitfalls the way a bull looks at a red flag blowing in the wind.  Or as Mr. Bush said as the Iraq war began, "bring 'em on."

Kate, you said, "The whole [transition] thing is so wonderfully symbolic of the heroic journey, of finding yourself, bringing a dream to life, crossing an impossible barrier, slaying your dragon, and so on."

I slayed the dragon and am happier on the other side.  But my battle scars make me wary when I see young'uns walking to the enlistment center (sometimes, the psych offices by validating our views).  I want to shout to them, "War is hell," but, most often they just smile back bravely and give a little wave.

"We'll be all right, ma'am.  Don't you worry."

Teri Anne

Quote from: Teri Anne on March 11, 2006, 02:55:40 PM

"We'll be all right, ma'am.  Don't you worry."

There's a little victory for you -- they "ma'am"ed you! 

And, good point on self-validation.  Years ago, I used to freight-hop.  I learned to check my information with at least three sources -- more if there was disagreement (nothing makes a trip stink like ending up in a place other than the destination you wanted to go to that's impossible to get out of -- a good metaphor for transitioning, eh?)  When googling critical information, I always try to run at least three searches -- one neutral, one biased to be favorable to the topic, and one biased to be unfavorable.  Then I compare, compare, compare and finally come to my own conclusion.

Haz