Happy late Birthday Maddie. Sorry Im late.

Chelsea

Quote from: Laurie on July 16, 2018, 09:20:52 PM
  Hi Maddy

  I hope you have a wonderful Birthday with wonderful family and friends if you can.

Hugs,
  Laurie

thank you!

Quote from: Chelsea on July 17, 2018, 11:44:06 AM
Happy late Birthday Maddie. Sorry Im late.

Chelsea

Thanks! you weren't late, yesterday was my actual birthday, but now I'm late with my responses lol

so yesterday was my birthday and it was a pretty nice day! I got up early and had cake for breakfast and then I went to jog it off lol



after that I took my cat to get dewormed and then I went home to get ready for the rest of the night. My mom and sister took me out to dinner and my sister got me my first ever pair of earrings! I'm not pierced yet but they are cute and I'm excited to wear them some day! There was one woman who worked at the restaurant that used to live next door to me when I was a kid, so she's known me for a long time and she came over and talked to my mom and sister but didn't really say anything to me. it was a little awkward but whatever. After that we went to a baseball game and it was "bark at the park" night so my sister got to bring her dog



While we were at the game my mom went to the bathroom and I leaned over to my sister and said "wow, mom's actually been calling me Maddie all night!" and then my sister told me that she had a little talk with her, so that's awesome, BUT my mom keeps using male pronouns, so I'm going to have to say something about that, especially since the 3 of us are going on a trip tomorrow.

So overall it was a nice day, but I'm a little bummed that some certain people didn't wish me a happy birthday. I have a lot of family members that added me on my new facebook profile that I wasn't friends with on my old one, I guess maybe they just wanted to show that they supported me by adding me on my new one? Well if they really support me as a person they could take the time to wish me a happy birthday! My cousin's wife was on fb all day posting vacation pics, I'm sure at one point she saw the notification that it was my birthday. oh well, moving on....

yesterday was my one year anniversary on hormones!! here's a link to the thread I started to document it, I haven't posted in a while, but it's a good record of what I was going through

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,226128.0.html

also, if you go to the MTF Transsexual Talk section of the board, check out the before and after thread, I made a post yesterday with a lot of pics!

So my last dosage increase with the HRT was back in April, and I did feel a surge when that happened but nothing really much happened since then, at least physically, but I've definitely been more emotional, I'm feeling pretty feminine now and I don't feel like a male at all! I feel like overall I'm a lot healthier than I was a year ago! The hair on my head has filled out a little and I no longer feel like I am balding! and it doesn't get tangled as much and it's a lot less greasy than it used to be. My skin is less greasy too and it's a lot softer! It use to get pretty blotchy, but it went away for a while but now that's come back a little, especially lately, maybe it's a weather thing, idk. As for my body hair, it has thinned out a lot, but I think it's done. I wish I had less hairs in certain areas, like my stomach, but the hair on my chest has pretty much disappeared, but I do have some hairs on my breasts that won't go away, but most of them are pretty light, aside from a couple dark ones right at the edge of my nipples. My leg hair has thinned out a lot but I still have a lot of hair on my back and arms, but the hair there is thinner and white. I looked at my sister last night and her arms had a lot of longer thin white hairs, and I've noticed it on other cis girls too. my breasts are still developing. I've had boobs since 3rd grade since I've always been overweight, but they've always been perkier than other male boobs lol. They're a C cup right now, but I was up to a DD back when I weighed 300lbs. There's actual breast tissue in there now though, and they're still sore all the time so they're definitely still active! My weight loss has slowed down a lot. Some of it is my fault but some of it is because of the hormones. I got down to the low 190s and then I got up into the lower 200s again, but I finally got back into a good routine where I feel like I'm finally stating to lose again, and I'm in the upper middle 190s now, which is the weight I maintained all winter. I would love if I can get back to the lower 190s or even into the 180s, but we'll see. My sex drive is nowhere near what it used to be, but I feel like lately it's been up a bit, but as of now I still don't think I'm ready to date, and I'm ok with that. The relationships I've developed over the last year or so have been great, I'm so much closer with so many amazing women and I can NEVER go back to being male! I still have some rough moments, but I'm definitely on my way to being happy and feeling at home in myself! Last year I was so hopeful on my birthday, this year I dunno, I still have a lot to figure out but I'm slowly getting there, and I'm hoping that the next year goes well for me

I forgot to mention a couple things!

Electrolysis: I started doing this a little over a year ago, and on average I go about once a month for an hour and a half. Sometimes I had 2 sessions a month, sometimes the sessions were 2 hours but I've found that I really can't handle more than an hour and a half. I do have numbing cream but it wears off fast. I had a session last month where most of my mustache looked cleared, I was so happy, I thought that maybe after one or two more sessions it would be gone. Most of it grew back and we worked on it again the other day and there was still a lot left and it was pretty discouraging. I HATE having a beard! I wish I could pull off the no makeup look but I can't do it while I'm growing stubble or if I have razor burn.

I also want to mention how things are going since I came out. I've been out since May 1st but I'm not exactly full time. I'm going back to work soon and while there I'll have to be in male mode, which sucks, but for now i dress female about 75% of the time I leave the house. So far no one has done anything mean to me in public. Strangers don't misgender me but sometimes I feel like I do get some weird looks but sometimes I feel like people go out of their way to be nice. The other day when I was on a jog I had 5 people say hello or good morning, which was nice. I'm really hoping that by the start of next year I can be 100% full time, but we'll see

Hi Maddie,

Well overall it sounds like you've had a great Birthday and your journey continues in a very positive way, your sister sounds really nice and your mum seems to be continuing to adjust positively to you.
Outside of the effects of hrt facial hair is definitely our enemy number one by what so many other girls have said, and myself included ( I haven't started hrt yet but maybe soon - but everyone recommends getting face done before hrt because of sensitivity...) 

Take care,

Sonja.

Quote from: Maddie86 on July 18, 2018, 10:19:07 AM
I forgot to mention a couple things!

Electrolysis: I started doing this a little over a year ago, and on average I go about once a month for an hour and a half. Sometimes I had 2 sessions a month, sometimes the sessions were 2 hours but I've found that I really can't handle more than an hour and a half. I do have numbing cream but it wears off fast. I had a session last month where most of my mustache looked cleared, I was so happy, I thought that maybe after one or two more sessions it would be gone. Most of it grew back and we worked on it again the other day and there was still a lot left and it was pretty discouraging. I HATE having a beard! I wish I could pull off the no makeup look but I can't do it while I'm growing stubble or if I have razor burn.

I also want to mention how things are going since I came out. I've been out since May 1st but I'm not exactly full time. I'm going back to work soon and while there I'll have to be in male mode, which sucks, but for now i dress female about 75% of the time I leave the house. So far no one has done anything mean to me in public. Strangers don't misgender me but sometimes I feel like I do get some weird looks but sometimes I feel like people go out of their way to be nice. The other day when I was on a jog I had 5 people say hello or good morning, which was nice. I'm really hoping that by the start of next year I can be 100% full time, but we'll see

Electrolysis sucks, I wish they could find a way to deal with hair easily and permanently and a low lost instead of having to resort to hair by hair removal. I understand your frustration, some days it just feels a bit like setting a match to money and having someone hurt you just for the heck of it.


It sounds like you are in for a bit of a rough time coming up. I hope you are able to deal with it without too much stress. It's great to hear you have had such a positive experience whilst out in the community, that always makes life easier 

Take care

Liz

thank you for your responses Sonja and Elizabeth

so yesterday I went on a road trip with my mom and sister and it was pretty nice. Even though my mom called me Maddie the other night she went right back to calling me by my male name when this trip started, and that's even after I used the women's room with her at a rest stop! I did ask her to "please stop calling me that" at one point and she said sorry and then the rest of the trip she was good about calling me Maddie.

We went down to a couple small towns in Pennsylvania where my grandparents grew up, Houtzdale and Hawk Run. We went to visit the family graves and then we went antiquing. I found a lot of cute things at the antique stores and my sister ended up getting a school desk from the 30's, which is what she was trying to find because she's a school teacher. We stopped for dinner on the way home and that was nice too. I think we're going to make this a yearly trip! Here's a couple selfies I took at the antique stores





a couple downers to mention though. Still no word on when I'm going back to work, I'm pretty broke now. Also, my dad did wish me a happy birthday on tuesday but other than that he hasn't said anything about wanting to see me. We usually go out to dinner and/or a baseball game and this year he hasn't asked me about doing anything for my birthday, so I can only assume he's embarrassed to be seen with me in public. I talked to him this morning in hopes that he would ask me to do something, and then I even asked him what he was doing this weekend and he just said that he was hanging out with his dogs. sigh. Then I have a friend who had a birthday yesterday. He used to be my best friend but we've grown apart over the years. he didn't wish me a happy birthday on tuesday but I wished him one yesterday via text and he didn't respond. I know he's made anti-trans comments in the past about other girls, so I guess I should just forget about him.

Hi Maddie

Good on you for being strong with your Mum. Family always presents a special challenge. Sometimes I think people just need reminded that things have changed and the old behaviour is no longer appropriate. They will revert to what is comfortable for them in the hope you are "not too bothered by it" after all its "no big deal" but a gentle reminder and they don't slip up again.

Things with your Dad don't sound like they are progressing well at all. I hear your sadness and dissappointment over it and I can relate due to the situation with my own parent. It is a horrible situation as you cannot even really mourn the loss you feel is happening as they slowly seperate from you. I hope you can resolve this problem with your Dad sooner rather than later.

Take Care

Liz

Hi Maddie happy late birthday sorry for the late message
Your trip sounds fun sory to hear that your mum keeps getting you name wrong .
I hope things work out with your dad and he takes you out for a nice night.
Hair removal is such a nightmare I've  had 6 laser sessions and chin and upper lip dont want to go
I hope all is wexxx Chloe

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 21, 2018, 04:58:22 AM
Hi Maddie

Good on you for being strong with your Mum. Family always presents a special challenge. Sometimes I think people just need reminded that things have changed and the old behaviour is no longer appropriate. They will revert to what is comfortable for them in the hope you are "not too bothered by it" after all its "no big deal" but a gentle reminder and they don't slip up again.

Things with your Dad don't sound like they are progressing well at all. I hear your sadness and dissappointment over it and I can relate due to the situation with my own parent. It is a horrible situation as you cannot even really mourn the loss you feel is happening as they slowly seperate from you. I hope you can resolve this problem with your Dad sooner rather than later.

Take Care

Liz

Quote from: Chloe_freebird on July 22, 2018, 05:47:02 PM
Hi Maddie happy late birthday sorry for the late message
Your trip sounds fun sory to hear that your mum keeps getting you name wrong .
I hope things work out with your dad and he takes you out for a nice night.
Hair removal is such a nightmare I've  had 6 laser sessions and chin and upper lip dont want to go
I hope all is wexxx Chloe

Thank you both for your responses!

My dad did finally invite me over to his house yesterday, but it wasn't birthday related at all, there was  no mention of my special day and he didn't give me a card or anything, he just wanted to have me and my sister and her husband over for dinner. It was alright but a little awkward, he hugged my sister when she got there but for my greeting he went to give me a high five, wtf? Even before transition he used to hug me. It's so odd, even when I used to be really depressed he seemed proud of me, but now I can tell that he still loves me but I don't think I can say that he's proud of me, I just don't think he knows how to deal with this. My step mom calls me Maddie all the time, which is awesome, I'm friends with her on social media and I think that helps a lot since she's constantly seeing pictures of me as a female with a female name, but my dad called me by my old name once or twice last night.

Other than that, not a bad weekend, for the most part. Saturday night I got to go out to dinner with two friends that I never really get to see and both of them got me some presents, so that was sweet. I had a good time but then after I went to a friend's housewarming party and that was a little awkward. I knew a few people there but there were some others that I didn't know too well and at one point I just ended up standing in a corner by myself playing Solitaire on my phone. After about 15 minutes of that I decided to leave. My one friend had to leave early so he said bye to everyone and then last second I said "hey, I'll step out with you real quick, I need some air", then I didn't go back inside.

Then the next day I got brunch with a friend, it was very good! She got me a cat carrier for my birthday since I've just been borrowing hers for the last month lol, it's pink!

Hi Maddie

I hear your pain in regards your father in your post. I can so relate to the issues you describe with your father. I am separated by 3000ks from mine but we manage to speak face to face via skype every few month now much less than we used to.. When I first started skyping him prior to transition it was a couple of hours every week with him. Once I began to transition the rot set in to the point now where we have skyped 3 times so far this year. Its been over 2 months since our last one and I don't know how long it will be until the next.

Up until the last call I had with him he had been aggressive and combative with me, not treating me badly but still as the son I once was. Something happened recently (he says he watched a doco) to turn him around and he actually called me his daughter for the first time on our last call...he managed to reduce me to tears with what he said. This is 3 years after I started my transition so I am hoping we have finally put the worst behind us. So don't give up this could be just your Dad trying to sort things out for himself...is it worth sitting him down and asking if he is OK. I have to admit my Dad's response would have been angry and accusatory going on previous experience.

I hope you and your Dad are able to find some way to common ground so you can at least communicate in a reasonable manner. If he is anything like mine he eventually realised that my transition was going to happen whether he liked/wanted it too or not and now he also has to grudgingly admit it has made me so much happier than he has ever really seen me so if he wants the best for me then he now knows transition was the best thing for me. Some others in my family have yet to understand this.

I hope you can work this out, it may as in the case of my father just take time.

Take care
Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 23, 2018, 06:41:03 PM
Hi Maddie

I hear your pain in regards your father in your post. I can so relate to the issues you describe with your father. I am separated by 3000ks from mine but we manage to speak face to face via skype every few month now much less than we used to.. When I first started skyping him prior to transition it was a couple of hours every week with him. Once I began to transition the rot set in to the point now where we have skyped 3 times so far this year. Its been over 2 months since our last one and I don't know how long it will be until the next.

Up until the last call I had with him he had been aggressive and combative with me, not treating me badly but still as the son I once was. Something happened recently (he says he watched a doco) to turn him around and he actually called me his daughter for the first time on our last call...he managed to reduce me to tears with what he said. This is 3 years after I started my transition so I am hoping we have finally put the worst behind us. So don't give up this could be just your Dad trying to sort things out for himself...is it worth sitting him down and asking if he is OK. I have to admit my Dad's response would have been angry and accusatory going on previous experience.

I hope you and your Dad are able to find some way to common ground so you can at least communicate in a reasonable manner. If he is anything like mine he eventually realised that my transition was going to happen whether he liked/wanted it too or not and now he also has to grudgingly admit it has made me so much happier than he has ever really seen me so if he wants the best for me then he now knows transition was the best thing for me. Some others in my family have yet to understand this.

I hope you can work this out, it may as in the case of my father just take time.

Take care
Liz

Thanks for your response. My dad and I are gunna have a lot of time to work things out, I just found out a couple days ago that I'm finally going back to work on monday and I'll be right along side my dad... for 10 hours a day... until November. I can tell he still cares about me and loves me but I just think he's a little disappointed because I was his only son. When I first came out he tried to call me Maddie but it doesn't even seem like he makes an effort anymore. It sucks because he's the kind of guy  who can fly off the handle at any given moment if he's having a bad day, so I do have to watch what I say and bite my tongue at times, so we'll see how this goes, I might just have to bottle stuff up for a few months and then let it all out when the job is almost over.

@Maddie
Dear Maddie     (note: this got a little long but hopefully you will find it worth reading)

There is nothing that can be said that will make the pain go away... I think that the best thing you can do is to keep trying to have decent communications with your Dad....  even when he displays anger and "flies off the handle" it is up to you how your react to that.  If you then respond to to his anger with your own anger and cutting words that is not going to help... it is counter productive so, yes, bite your tongue and control your emotions.
I know,  I know.... easier said than done.

You don't have to do too much reading of others comments on your thread and also all around the forums to see that you are not alone.  Hopefully that will provide so solace for you.   Parental acceptance can be the most difficult gauntlet for any transistioner to overcome.   It is somewhat understandable that they can be confused and even angry over our decisions to transition. 

My own dad still won't pick up the phone to talk to me even after my 4 years of transtioning....  last Christmas my mom handed him the phone, he addressed me by my old dead name, said just a few mumbled words and that was the end of the conversation.   My mom, for the very first time, just last Christmas when I called as she ended the fairly tense and very brief conversation with me, she said "I love you Danielle"   ..... WOW, I did not expect that.   
I live many states away and have not been back to see them since I became full-time and moved here to start over again over 20 months ago.   With only one exception any long time friends that I had back "home" won't return my emails or pick up the phone when I call.....  but I am coping because I am now surrounding myself with an entirely new set of good friends and acquaintances... and even a few Suitors....   so that is how I stay upbeat and deal with all of that.

I trust that you and your dad will reconcile your relationship, even just a little would be good, but until then, be the best person you can be and don't return anger with anger... that is never productive... it may make you feel better for just a short time, but it is not the right thing to do.

Please keep us posted as you always do.... 
***oh, and your before and after pictures that you just posted on the
"The All New 'Before & After' Topic (v 4.0)" thread are terrific and encouraging.... clearly displaying the results of your hard work and determination to make your continuing transition journey a success.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hi everyone! Just thought I'd give a little update, some good and some bad.

First off, I just wanna say that today marks 3 months since I came out on social media! So much has happened since then, most of which has been great, but I've still had some downers. There will always be downers though, it's just part of life and I gotta do my best not to let things get to me.

I started work again on Monday, and it's actually been about 3 months since I had a job. It will be nice to start building up a savings account again! I spent everything I had while unemployed. So far work has been alright. I'm doing construction and my dad is actually the foreman on the job. for the last few days I've mostly been scraping caulk off of a sidewalk that we need to replace. It's pretty easy but I have to be on my knees when I do it, so it gets uncomfortable and standing up and sitting down so many times a day has given my butt a good workout, it's been sore the last couple days and I haven't been able to go for a run since Sunday. I've been eating pretty bad this week too so I'm going to skip my weigh in this week in hopes that next week I can get back into the swing of things. I know next week I'll probably have more heavy duty stuff to do but I'll mostly be using my arms, so hopefully I'll have the energy to go jogging. Right now I don't even have the energy to go grocery shopping after work because I really don't feel like spending an hour or more taking a shower and then doing my hair and makeup only to go out for a half hour. It honestly feels like I'm putting my transition on hold for a while.

I'm still in the closet for work, and I guess it's for the best. Today during lunch one of the guys mentioned that he worked in Hudson NY yesterday, which has a good LGBTQ population, and he said that the town is "getting bad" because there seems to be more of them now. No one really said anything too bad, and there was nothing trans specific, but I could tell that no one really had a good opinion of gay people. They were pretty much saying that the gay community doesn't need to be so "in your face" about it and that they could just keep it to themselves. ugh. then my dad asked me on the ride home if I was upset about the conversation (he didn't take part in any of it). He did call me Sunday night though to ask if I was going to work as a guy or girl, which is something we discussed before, but he said he was just asking because he was concerned for my safety. No one on this job knows that I'm trans and there's only one guy on the site that I haven't worked with before and everyone's always been nice to me, so even if they did find out I don't think they'd want to do me any harm, I just think they'd be weirded out, I dunno. It's not like I wanna go to a construction job as a female anyways, my clothes and makeup would get ruined!

Still, even presenting as male I can still see a female when I look in my reflection. I'll look in a window and see my long hair in a pony tale and my breasts still stick out and I have a feminine face, and I try to keep my sleeves rolled up so I don't get a t-shirt tan lol. And I see it in my attitude too. My dad can be quick to anger and have a fit if something frustrates him. I used to be just like that and when I see him do that it's just a reminder of how far I've come, I'm not like that anymore.

This job is supposed to last until November 1st but they might extend it if the weather is ok. I've already ran into an odd situation. This job is in the same town as my gender doctor. I originally had an appointment for Friday the 17th but for some reason they changed it to Monday the 20th. I have electrolysis on that day so I called them to change it.  Since I'm working in the same town as my doctor, I have a few options. I could go to the appointment after work, all dirty, as a boy. I don't want to do that. I could go up and work a half day, drive an hour to go home and shower and dress as maddie, and then drive an hour to go back, and then another hour back home. I don't want to do that. So I thought of a 3rd option. I scheduled my appointment in the morning, so I'm not gunna go work at 7, I'm gunna stay home and get ready and then go to my appointment at 9:40 as Maddie. Then after my appointment I'll go find a secluded area and take off my makeup and change into my work clothes and go to work by 11. You ever see a sitcom where someone makes 2 dates in the same night and they go out to the same restaurant and then keep sneaking off to the other table? I feel like a real Pete Brady right now, ew.

On the plus side, I'm making plans for fun things to do to keep me sane. Fall is my favorite season and since it'll be here soon I've decided that I want to get out of town a few times for some day trips on the weekend. I've been wanting to go to Sleepy Hollow for a few years now, I'm always trying to get friends to go with me and they never want to, so I decided I'm gunna go alone. It's 3 hours from me but I think it will still be fun. I also want to go up to Saratoga Springs and check out this pumpkin festival and then drive to Schuylerville and go to the cemetery near the old Revolutionary War battlefield. I've been there once and it was really cool but I didn't have much time to explore. There's a couple other trips I had in mind but those are the 2 I really wanna do.

Speaking of Fall, Halloween is 3 months from yesterday! Last night I decided to practice my pumpkin carving lol




I think that's it for now, thanks for reading! oh and Danielle, if you're reading this, sorry I forgot to reply to your last post! thank you for your response! Your replies are always comforting!

Thanks for the update @Maddie

I think you are a hell of a brave girl doing what you are, I understand you need to work though. I had a look at your "boy mode" pics, it is a pretty good disguise but any other woman will pick you out as a girl...too many girl tells...most guys are not observant enough on a casual glance to see what I see and what you see. But as you said you don't think they would do you any harm even if they knew but unfortunately how someone reacts can be the big unknown factor.

That was good your Dad asked you about the conversation, I am curious, do you think he realises how difficult this swapping back and forth is for you? I know my Dad until recently thought it was something I could do at a whim until I explained the obvious pitfalls for me for doing it.

I have a picture in my head of superwoman changing in a telephone box type visions but of you in your car...a sudden flurry of chaotic activity, a blur of colour and there sits Maddie magically in disguise as a construction worker...  LOL

When I saw the carved pumpkin I thought OMG is it that that time of the year again!!...still got a couple of months I think. I don't know that I trust my ability with a sharp knife and a pumpkin...I would surely end up cutting a part of me off!!

Take care

Liz

@Maddie86
Dear Maddie:
I give you kudos for the way that you are handling many of your issues with your dad.
Also how you are able to handle changing from male-mode to female presentation, etc.
Your pictures that you post show wonderful progress as you keep heading for your goal.

Keep on keeping on and keep your update reports coming.
Hugs,
Danielle

Elizabeth and Danielle, thanks for your responses!

Quote from: ElizabethK on August 01, 2018, 09:58:36 PM

That was good your Dad asked you about the conversation, I am curious, do you think he realises how difficult this swapping back and forth is for you? I know my Dad until recently thought it was something I could do at a whim until I explained the obvious pitfalls for me for doing it.

I don't think he realizes how much I hate it. Honestly, he's a pretty oblivious person, even before transition when I was living as a 300lb alcoholic male he didn't have any idea how miserable I was. I still don't really think he knows what to make of me. When people were saying anti-gay stuff yesterday he asked me about it, yet today one guy was sexualizing women and my dad was getting in on it too and he was practically drooling, and then later he was talking about how annoying women can be and it just really frustrates me, he would never say those things around his wife or my sister, so he obviously doesn't see me as a girl, and he still thinks that I like girls because when he talks about them he kinda looks over to me for validation like I'm going to agree with him. NO! I hate having to bite my tongue. Even today, when we were leaving this one girl on campus smiled at him when we were walking back to the truck. Keep in mind that he's married and almost 60 and she's late teens or early 20's. We leave and he drives us the opposite way we usually go, which takes a few minutes longer. I asked why he went that way and he said a pretty girl smiled at him and he wanted to get a better look. Yes, I know that's something that most guys would do, but it really annoyed me, he acts like such a kid sometimes and I can't stand it.

Another thing that kinda stinks is that the town I'm working in makes me pretty emotional. My best friend went to school there, and I do kind of dwell on who I was back then and regret not visiting her more, but I had a few milestones up there. One of the first times I dressed as a woman in front of people was at a halloween party she had up there, my one friend bought me my first bra for it! Some of my first times getting drunk were up there, I remember one night my friend and I were walking downtown to get pizza and then I thought it would be funny to run off so I started running and then I fell and I just sat on the ground laughing until my friend caught up to me  Another friend of mine went to school there too and I had a huge crush on her and she made a habit of ignoring me when I went up to visit my other friend, so most of the time I was up there I was totally crushed and in bad spirits. This town is definitely an old haunt.

I hope things get better. I wanted to go grocery shopping last night but I didn't. Today the local cider mill opened for the season and I really wanted to go, I've been looking forward to it for a month, and when I got there the line was out the door, so I said screw it and left. I was still in my male work clothes and I was afraid of running into someone I knew. I hate that the simplest little things are so much harder for me to do now, I pretty much have to wait until the weekend to do anything now. Then on the way home there was so much traffic that it actually took me 15 to 20 minutes to drive like 2 miles! I wanted to scream because I was so frustrated but I also wanted to cry because I was really hungry and all I had back at my apartment was microwave popcorn and hot pockets 

Sigh. I've been pretty emotional lately, today and yesterday I'd get all pouty and act like a baby if something didn't go my way. I got out of work early today because of rain and then I had a little episode when I was on my way home and then when I got home my cat gave me  a really nice greeting and was super cuddly for like 10 minutes and he was so cute and it made me want to cry. I hate how I'm acting right now!

and I found out something interesting this morning. My sister texted me and said I'm not the only trans person in our family. My cousin has a teenager that came out as ftm last year, I had no idea! the last time I saw them was at my grandma's funeral 8 years ago. I think they were about 5 at the time and I remember thinking how cute this kid was when they were handing out flowers, they were really shy!

Quote from: Maddie86 on August 03, 2018, 11:46:55 AM
Sigh. I've been pretty emotional lately, today and yesterday I'd get all pouty and act like a baby if something didn't go my way. I got out of work early today because of rain and then I had a little episode when I was on my way home and then when I got home my cat gave me  a really nice greeting and was super cuddly for like 10 minutes and he was so cute and it made me want to cry. I hate how I'm acting right now!

and I found out something interesting this morning. My sister texted me and said I'm not the only trans person in our family. My cousin has a teenager that came out as ftm last year, I had no idea! the last time I saw them was at my grandma's funeral 8 years ago. I think they were about 5 at the time and I remember thinking how cute this kid was when they were handing out flowers, they were really shy!

@Maddie86
Emotions as we progress in our transition can also be a right of passage experience.

Oh, that is interesting about other trans people in your family... it might be fun to meet with them on that level.

Hang in there and enjoy the many new emotions that are now "available " to you.
Hugs,
Danielle

Well last night was nice, I went out to dinner with a friend and it was the first time I got to feel normal all week, it was such a relief to be able to go out as myself! The waiter kept referring to my friend and I as "ladies", which is a lot nicer than my dad calling me "bro" the other day, the pausing and saying "uh, I mean... son". ugh. I went out as a male on friday because I had a few errands to do, one of which was laundry. the place I go to is pretty sketchy, a few people there definitely seemed like heavy drug users, and then there's usually a bunch of kids who can get pretty annoying, so I don't feel comfortable going there as a woman. When I go out as Maddie I wanna go places where I have an easy escape if something bad happens, and if I run into someone who gives me trouble it might get bad if I have to wait around for my laundry to get done!

I've been pretty ridiculous the last few days. I've been getting extra frustrated while being stuck in traffic and I would actually start to yell at cars. I got out of work early friday because of rain and then around 2pm I got stuck behind a lot of cars and yelled "why are there so many of you?! you should all be at work!"... then later that night I had a glass of wine and my cat seemed very interested in it and I actually lectured him about underage drinking.  I think there's not only been a spike in my estrogen but maybe my testosterone too? my sex drive has been up lately, and yesterday in the shower I seemed to lose more hair than I usually do, and lately I've had a hard time getting some of my makeup to stay on certain parts of my face. I've fought sweat before but I usually overcome it, so I'm wondering if it won't stay on because my skin is starting to get greasy like it was before HRT. ugh! I go back to the doctor in 3 weeks, I'll probably go get my blood tests done next weekend, hopefully things are just a little off right now and they settle down by next saturday.

So I played around with some lipstick last night and I think I found my fall look, I'm digging the darker red! This brand doesn't seem to wanna stay on too good though, so hopefully I can find a similar shade made by Too Faced, I have good luck with them!