I was strolling down memory lane today, back to ye olden times when Compuserv chat rooms were a thing, and recalled something that has always stuck with me.  There was a Saturday night chat room for trans people, and one of the more active members, who was transitioning, once talked about how she was working on "cutting the dick off between my ears."  Difficult work after a lifetime of socialization and testosterone. I realize that even when I am trying to present feminine, inside I still largely feel like a very unusual male, or perhaps a mix of the genders, but still a lot of male there.  It still feels awesome and authentic. but I wonder about those who have transitioned or are far down the path.  Do you come to see yourself dramatically differently inside, and if so was that a gradual change or a "ah ha" moment?  Does the feeling of being male just fade away?

We have had years of training as our birth gender and that training doesn't go away over night. It's a gradual process and even after all these years I still carry some of the old male traits. It's not really an issue because men and women often carry traits of the opposite gender. Ever hear of an aggressive woman or a passive male? It acceptable if it's what you truly want to be.

Without the hormones driving them, I find most of my masculine behaviours to be habit. And mannerisms learned. So, breaking the habits and mannerisms is a gradual process, for me.
I love the idea of cutting the dick off between my ears... Though it feels more like a tumor

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I guess we need to talk about mental transition as well as medical and social.  In the last three years before I finally admitted to myself that I was transgender, I wrote three novels in first person narrative where the narrator/lead character was female.

Yet even then I thought I was a guy and I patted myself on the back for having a really vivid imagination.  I should have known something was up when I realized that writing about experiencing sex as a woman got me really excited.

I think it really hit home, though when I was about three weeks into HRT.  I just had this moment sitting in my home office where I thought, "Holy **** I'm really not (deadname)!"

In terms of behaviors, we are formed partly or mostly from the society we live in and others reinforce our behaviors based on expectations of what we look like. It's judging a book by its cover. Facile yes, but a remnant of social and biological evolution. In our case, what society expects doesn't match the reality of who we are. Living with this cognitive dissonance fad a price...that said, overcoming social indoctrination will vary from person to person. If I dress female, meaning skirts/blouses/dresses it feels so normal to me. What society expects based on my appearance is something different and even if I do things to conform to my true gender, I still will probably run into people that have their own cognitive dissonance based on their indoctrination. Hopefully society will continue to progress and facile thinking will go away, allowing people to adjust properly and live more happy and fulfilling lives. For me, if I wasn't afraid of the consequences of the change, I'd just be Trudie from this moment on, but the thought of added stress from non-acceptance and potential problems stops me in my tracks. I know I can't control what others think of me, but until the desire to be authentic trumps this, I'll be stuck. I can tell you that it's moving along, just at a very slow pace.


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The more I transition the more I realize that is NOT about removing all those male traits, its about being ... me. I am mostly female, a little bit male, and there are some things I can't change. However, I feel more comfortable and at peace with the world than I've ever been and perhaps that's the answer for me. I found myself and myself is neither, rather a mix of both and that is enough.

Quote from: Gertrude on July 24, 2018, 08:13:39 AM
In terms of behaviors, we are formed partly or mostly from the society we live in and others reinforce our behaviors based on expectations of what we look like. It's judging a book by its cover. Facile yes, but a remnant of social and biological evolution. In our case, what society expects doesn't match the reality of who we are. Living with this cognitive dissonance fad a price...that said, overcoming social indoctrination will vary from person to person. If I dress female, meaning skirts/blouses/dresses it feels so normal to me. What society expects based on my appearance is something different and even if I do things to conform to my true gender, I still will probably run into people that have their own cognitive dissonance based on their indoctrination. Hopefully society will continue to progress and facile thinking will go away, allowing people to adjust properly and live more happy and fulfilling lives. For me, if I wasn't afraid of the consequences of the change, I'd just be Trudie from this moment on, but the thought of added stress from non-acceptance and potential problems stops me in my tracks. I know I can't control what others think of me, but until the desire to be authentic trumps this, I'll be stuck. I can tell you that it's moving along, just at a very slow pace.


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Trudie

I agree with all you say and I also feel I am moving along but probably due to 24 weeks HRT, I feel the desire to be authentic increasing as each month passes. Despite the mental/social problems to which you refer, I feel I can and wish to be authentic meaning going public next year.

Wishing you happiness on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela