So I have decided to sign up here and write about my story a bit and find out if I have just been oblivious for most of my life.

I am MaaB but recently (a few months ago) figured out that I am bigender m/f (or possibly F/M really).

The thing is I just never really thought about it throughout my life (36yo). But now thinking back on it--it all makes good sense. From as far back as I am able to remember, I have always identified more with female characters in games, books, and movies. When playing tabletop games I will normally play females characters if I am able (group dependent) Heck, I have even masqueraded as female online for as long as I have had internet (as long as there was no video and/or voice aspect). I always went by Alexandra/Lexie or Lexanta, despite that my nickname offline is gender neutral.

I have always been more comfortable around females, and would have to resist the desire to get mani-pedi's with my girl-friends even when the pushed and pushed me to join them despite that I actually like them.

I have come out to my SO, who is fluid, a close and trusted female friend, and my SO's sister (whom I trust) other than that I have been nervous AF about all of this. I am planning on cosplaying Weiss Schnee from RWBY at a convention later this year with my SO teaching me makeup and am hoping to pass. This will be the first time, likely at that point, that I go into public dressed as my fem self.

However, the more I am thinking about it, the more I am wondering if I am actually full trans and just in denial due to socialization. I have always been disgusted by body hair, and have been shaving it off and on since my teen years, but even those periods when I have not it has been mostly due to laziness.

I am also worrying about being able to pass, my SO and friend tell me that I should be able to (with the right makeup and spanx), but my voice is a problem.

Sorry, kind of rambling...

I guess what I am leading to is: How did everyone else come to the conclusion on their gender? Have I just been my ditzy, absent-minded self with all of this or have others been oblivious with this kind of stuff? And, does anyone else question if they are fully trans vs bigender?

To be honest, all of this is simultaneously relieving and anxiety inducing for me...

Thanks in advance

Lexie

@LexieDragon 
Dear Lexie:   
Thank you for your very first posting here on Susan's Place.   PLEASE KNOW that I am not trying to hjack your thread and posting but FIRST THING FIRST.  Other members will be coming along that can possibly provide answers to questions.

I see that you are new here and may have questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances. 
Be aware that there are lots of members here that can identify with the issues that you brought up in your introduction posting.

WELCOME to Susan's Place.  You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you have signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and get involved at your own pace.  Be sure to look at the Links that I posted below, there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.
Please pay particular attention to the LINKS IN RED .... they have the answers many questions that our new members may have.
Again, Welcome.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
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Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

@LexieDragon
Oh, and another thing Lexie  ... in my effort to help you find answers to your questions, you first need to let more members here on the Forums know of your arrival and therefore you will receive more involvement in sharing information of interest to you ...
...and other like-minded  members reading it will be more apt to share their thoughts with you and will help to answer your questions.

If you would, please go to the  Introductions Forum  to tell the members about yourself! 
It would be good if you would briefly re-state your question there also. 

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place,
Danielle

I've known I was different all my life.

It took years to figure out my gender, therapy, this place, others.

Read through past posts, dig deep, look far back into the history of this place.  And just feel the feelings.

Trans is trans, its like being a little bit pregnant.  You're pregnant, your pregnant, the degree in which you express who you are can vary, but the core you, that may be binary trans, or it may be nonbinary trans.  And that can take any expression, may or may not need hormones or transition, only you can say.

Denial is a weird thing, but dysphoria can push a nonbinary transperson into going "all the way" into the binary and then boomeranging back, often with painful results.  It takes a while to cut through the BS and find the truth, undo the social programming, see past the binary to the nonbinary and then make the choices.

A gender therapist is huge, make sure they understand the whole deal.

I personally do not label with the boxes, I don't worry about it, I want to understand what makes me happy and what is real.  And because who I am is real, I have few issues on the street, in whatever gender I choose to present to the world.  I know who and what I am, what is under my shirt is my business.  (And its full transition trans, no operations).

So there is a comfort level, because I dropped all the acts.

But the answer to your question is that I knew from my earliest childhood memory.  I always was trans, nonbinary style.  I just never knew what it was.

I'm genetically male but easily pass on the street as female.  Or on the telephone!  I also like girly stuff, like watching Mamma Mia 2.  Or shop with the enthusiasm of a kid in a candy store!  It may help that I'm also both gifted and generous, a very rare combination.  This year I think I've matured into better dealing with the greedy.  It helps when you have co-workers backing you up on whatever your decide.

Thanks @Satinjoy.

Its heartening to know that I'm not alone in not figuring out why I was "strange".

I never really understood why the other boys my age did and liked most of the things they liked to do, even from a younger age I always preferred my "My Little Pony" toys to playing sports with the kids outside. I was always that weird boy that liked to hang out with the girls more than the boys, though I could hold my own and do it when I had to.

Quote from: Satinjoy on July 25, 2018, 08:53:09 PM

Denial is a weird thing, but dysphoria can push a nonbinary transperson into going "all the way" into the binary and then boomeranging back, often with painful results.  It takes a while to cut through the BS and find the truth, undo the social programming, see past the binary to the nonbinary and then make the choices.
...
But the answer to your question is that I knew from my earliest childhood memory.  I always was trans, nonbinary style.  I just never knew what it was.

Thank you @Satinjoy - I've realized along the way (with help from posts like yours and others) that there is always going to be a degree of my masculine self that is part of what I'm made of, I generally identify as female 70% and male 30% - and some days I feel more feminine than others, and on rare days feel more masculine but its important for people to realize that traits like these can vary in different people and vary from day to day, and its ok to identify with being like that.

Sonja.

@Maid Marion

I hope I will be able to pass. The main reason for doing a cosplay at a con is that I can retreat to "its just a crossplay" if I get overwhelmed and scared.

I have been attempting voice fem techniques, so far the best I have been able to do is raise an octave and switch to throat res...and get a sound that is very much like Winnie the Pooh...I'm thinking of trying something different than what I am doing now.

@sonja

I'm still male presenting at this point, though i think my proportions might be about the same as yours...we shall see.

@LexieDragon Your story sounds remarkably like my own, which is remarkably like a friend of mine who is male-bodied NB.

I started questioning my gender around when I turned thirty, about the same time I started hanging around a group of friends made up mostly of LGBTQ individuals. I was aware that transgender people existed but hadn't met any. Once I did my brain started wondering, connecting dots, and I started wanting to explore femininity, cross-dressing, makeup, etc.

The biggest wakeup call for me was seeing myself in the mirror wearing my room-mates (female) clothes, it's hard to convey how profoundly "right" that felt.

But even with moments like that, among other things, I still doubt myself, wonder if it's all in my head, ask myself "why didn't I know in highschool like all the other queer people I know?".

My close friends, partner, and therapist all tell me that this self-doubt, confusion, etc, is exceedingly normal and not a sign that "it's all in your heard". I guess what I'm trying to say in my rambling way is that you're not alone.

Quote from: Satinjoy on July 25, 2018, 08:53:09 PM
I've known I was different all my life.

It took years to figure out my gender, therapy, this place, others.

Read through past posts, dig deep, look far back into the history of this place.  And just feel the feelings.

Trans is trans, its like being a little bit pregnant.  You're pregnant, your pregnant, the degree in which you express who you are can vary, but the core you, that may be binary trans, or it may be nonbinary trans.  And that can take any expression, may or may not need hormones or transition, only you can say.

Denial is a weird thing, but dysphoria can push a nonbinary transperson into going "all the way" into the binary and then boomeranging back, often with painful results.  It takes a while to cut through the BS and find the truth, undo the social programming, see past the binary to the nonbinary and then make the choices.

A gender therapist is huge, make sure they understand the whole deal.

I personally do not label with the boxes, I don't worry about it, I want to understand what makes me happy and what is real.  And because who I am is real, I have few issues on the street, in whatever gender I choose to present to the world.  I know who and what I am, what is under my shirt is my business.  (And its full transition trans, no operations).

So there is a comfort level, because I dropped all the acts.

But the answer to your question is that I knew from my earliest childhood memory.  I always was trans, nonbinary style.  I just never knew what it was.

There is SO much truth and wisdom here!   And getting the courage to "drop all the acts" seems to be one of the hardest steps to take...but sometimes shedding the "acts" one by one has been a way I've found that works for me.

@Lexidragon, you are among your tribe here!  <3  Many hugs!

QuoteI guess what I am leading to is: How did everyone else come to the conclusion on their gender? Have I just been my ditzy, absent-minded self with all of this or have others been oblivious with this kind of stuff? And, does anyone else question if they are fully trans vs bigender?

Dunno if question still actual, but I'll answer
When I was child I felt myself wrong but didn't knew why. When I was teen, I felt myself trans, but there was other stuff to worry about and people manage to convince me that due my age and it's all just in my head; it wasn't priority matter at this stage. Now I'm in relatively stable position and I'm here

It's so great you have such friends. Though my friends are good people and we helped each other in different situations, they're not with me in this one.

We all have a moment of realisation, when our past snaps into clear focus, and we can suddenly explain what had been hitherto inexplicable. For some, that happens early, and for some it's late - it takes knowledge to give certainty and confidence to trust and be more ourselves - and that knowledge is hard earned on our journeys to understand ourselves.

(Hugs)


Rowan

Lexie, I started to wonder when I was about your age.  I used every rationalization in the book to convince myself that I wasn't trans, and that I couldn't transition.  All that got me was 20-some years of denial and despair. 

I started transitioning at age 61.  I don't pass when I open my mouth, but I pass surprisingly well otherwise.  More importantly, I am treated with respect as a woman, whether I pass or not.  And I am gradually getting more control over my voice, so there is hope there.  The important thing is that I feel 100% better as a woman than I ever did trying to be a man.

In hindsight, I see many indications that this is the right course for me.  Of course, I didn't understand their significance at the time.

Quote from: LexieDragon on July 25, 2018, 07:31:18 PMHow did everyone else come to the conclusion on their gender? Have I just been my ditzy, absent-minded self with all of this or have others been oblivious with this kind of stuff? And, does anyone else question if they are fully trans vs bigender?

Long story...

I can date one specific event (seeing a particular photo), where I wished that I was a girl, quite accurately to February 1962, when I was 7.  I know that I had daydreams of being a girl all around that time, so it is possible that that photo was not the first occasion.

Around age 12, I was trying on my mother's clothes.

Puberty was confusing for me, because I knew I was supposed to be a boy, but I had no idea what that meant or how to do it.  I was not particularly successful and got bullied quite a bit.  I didn't date girls, because I didn't know how.

I got my mother to teach me to sew and knit and bake cookies.  She thought it was cute.

In university, I decided to "man up" and joined the Air Force.  (Well, okay, it was more than that: "You mean they'll pay me to learn to fly jets??!!")  I learned to keep my head down and not draw attention to how different I was.

All this time, I wanted to be as feminine a man as I could get away with.  I never once wanted to be "macho" and just didn't understand that urge at all.  You learn to self-censor when you are like that in the military.

In my 30s, I started to cross-dress at home and under-dress full-time.  I won't deny that there was an erotic component to that, but I quickly realized that there was more to it than that.  It just felt good and right to wear skirts.

When I got married, I thought I could just get rid of my women's clothes and stop dressing.  But I couldn't.  Several times, I went through cycles of acquiring a new stash of clothes, wearing them when I was alone at home, and then eventually getting rid of them.

It was realizing that this was an urge that I couldn't stop that started turning it around for me.  I knew that if I got busted, by my wife, it would end our marriage, so I knew I had to do something.

The final event in becoming aware was attending a lecture by an astrophysicist who happened to be transgender.  I wondered how the audience would react to her.  After the lecture, I listened carefully to the snatches of conversation in the lobby.  There were lots of comments on how good the talk was, but none at all - not a single one - about her gender.  That was when I realized that times had changed and it might be safe to be transgender.

And here I am.

All that time, I was semi-oblivious.  I knew something was up, but I refused to believe what it was.  The evidence only became clear in hindsight.

I never had any thought of being any flavour of non-binary.  When I figured it all out, I saw myself as a binary female.  I may not be hard up against the 100% female end of the spectrum, but I am definitely well over on that side.