Greetings Everyone,
  Just putting pen to paper for the record. Right now is a precarious time. I have the feminizing effects of HRT really starting to kick off.
The recent straw that broke the camels back was - I came back from the salon with an eyebrow tint. The wife's response was , " You look ridiculous. Why are you doing this stuff ? You are existing in a fantasy world - in a bubble. You have some sort of internet fetish. "
Maybe she doesn't understand that none of my gender issue is a fetish. Presenting female is time out - relaxation - a pleasant way to do chores or just read and chill out.
I must admit at times it might be a distraction to the point of obsession. I've done a massive amount of research trying to resolve my existential angst. It does grind and chafe. I wish I could just snap out of it - and that works for a while.
In 2017 I had 12 months off HRT to repair the family dynamic and it worked to a large extent. The problem was it came at the cost of my dysphoria management. The feeling of missing the boat and not living my life fully plus gender angst & unease got me back on HRT for 2018.
2018 got off to a good start with- work and family dynamic good - life in general good.
My wife has had the best intentions & has tolerated my cross dressing & feminine expression on the whole. She is very good accepting other trans people or gay or lesbian or straight ect - the thing is though I know there is a primal gut instinct in her that gets turned off by my femininity. At night she has to sleep next to a husband that now smells more like a woman than a man. Where there was hard muscle, hairy chest and back is now naturally hairless, soft with obvious breasts.
Apart from the male equipment I love the way my body looks - but I know she does'nt.
In the bathroom she navigates a cabinet that also has my beauty products, cosmetics, skin care ect- something not every wife wants to see.
As a side note - we havent had any physical intimacy for 8 years. Sex has never really been our thing & I foolishly thought that dynamic would allow my female self to come forward without impacting on our romance- I was wrong.
I have lived through this scenario before in 2016 - this time I dont want to stop HRT. I feel I need to resolve my gender misalignment somehow - transition may or may not be the answer.
I do love my wife & her life & happiness means a lot to me. At the same time I dont want a return to suicidal thoughts and self harm as I've experienced before.
I think I must pay it cool, but not bury my female self. I need to give my wife space and respect. Right now is it very important to keep open the lines of communication. Desperately trying not to break her heart or mine. Unfortunately the onward march of HRT makes the inner woman become quite obvious & apparent.
My cosmetics and clothes are going out of sight for now & dressing in front of the wife and children must take a back seat.
I wish I knew the right answer to this dilemma - has any body else out there delt with a similar situation?
Yours truly, Kirsten.

While I haven't been in that situation, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Know that with enough time- you will figure things out. I wish you the best of luck. 🍀

@Kirsteneklund7

Kirsten,

Having come out to my wife 6 days ago - and having been displaying various femme attributes , some public, many in stealth that she is aware of for about 18 months I have an idea of what you are going through.
The single most striking concept is - my wife is attracted to masculinity and I am increasingly displaying femininity - can she love the person without the man? Is it possible even for her to love the woman you long to be?  Is it even fair to ask her to try?
Fear and doubt have been eating away at me for the last week, there are many glimmers of hope too, in these tough times I do what Danielle would do ( @Alaskan Danielle ) just keep smiling and try to stay positive!

I have not started hrt and do not fully dress infront of her or our son, so I'm not as far along this path as you, but I get the same type of questions. I am lucky in the fact that we are still intimate - which I do believe creates an important bond, for love, and acceptance.

I certainly don't have all the answers for this but I would encourage you if you can, to try and connect with her in a way that feeds Her femininity, because in situations like these, she needs to feel the most feminine by far - maybe giving her massages, or treating her to something womanly - like a facial spa, or makeover etc

Hope this might help,

Sonja

Kirsten,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. I hope that with time you can work things out in a way that makes you both happy.

Hugs,

Lexie

Hi Kirsten 🙋‍♀️ So sorry that you've run into this roadblock again.
Sonja has the same idea I've been working with.  Expressing your love and devotion with deeds that make her feel special.  She may feel that she is losing too much.  Show her that she has more to gain.
I hope you can get back on track with what you feel you need, and getting what your family needs. 

Hugs, Jess

Quote from: SallyChoasAura on July 26, 2018, 10:00:37 PM
While I haven't been in that situation, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Know that with enough time- you will figure things out. I wish you the best of luck. 🍀

Thank you for your thoughts Sally. I just wish I could solve this right now.
Kind regards, Kirsten.

Quote from: Sonja on July 26, 2018, 10:38:05 PM
@Kirsteneklund7

Kirsten,

Having come out to my wife 6 days ago - and having been displaying various femme attributes , some public, many in stealth that she is aware of for about 18 months I have an idea of what you are going through.
The single most striking concept is - my wife is attracted to masculinity and I am increasingly displaying femininity - can she love the person without the man? Is it possible even for her to love the woman you long to be?  Is it even fair to ask her to try?
Fear and doubt have been eating away at me for the last week, there are many glimmers of hope too, in these tough times I do what Danielle would do ( @Alaskan Danielle ) just keep smiling and try to stay positive!

I have not started hrt and do not fully dress infront of her or our son, so I'm not as far along this path as you, but I get the same type of questions. I am lucky in the fact that we are still intimate - which I do believe creates an important bond, for love, and acceptance.

I certainly don't have all the answers for this but I would encourage you if you can, to try and connect with her in a way that feeds Her femininity, because in situations like these, she needs to feel the most feminine by far - maybe giving her massages, or treating her to something womanly - like a facial spa, or makeover etc

Hope this might help,

Sonja

Thank you so much for your kind words Sonja. I think you really have something there with cultivating situations that feed her femininity. I think right now that is very sound advice. Back in 1989 I was seriously involved with a woman who I nearly married. She knew me so well she worked out that deep down I wanted to be a woman and that became a threat to her femininity. It didn't go so well at that moment...
Anyway I think your approach with your wife is a good one - communicating and being honest - I guess that goes hand in hand with you reassuring her & taking things gently & slowly to prevent scaring her & allowing her input.
You mentioned intimacy and I think you are so right to keep it alive is important for a solid foundation of love and understanding. My wife and I had a discussion a long time ago and decided physical intimacy wasn't the be all & end all but still it does break down barriers all the same.
PS. I would love to hear how your journey unfolds over time.
Wishing you the best, Kirsten.

Quote from: Jessica on July 26, 2018, 11:51:36 PM
Hi Kirsten 🙋‍♀️ So sorry that you've run into this roadblock again.
Sonja has the same idea I've been working with.  Expressing your love and devotion with deeds that make her feel special.  She may feel that she is losing too much.  Show her that she has more to gain.
I hope you can get back on track with what you feel you need, and getting what your family needs. 

Hugs, Jess

I think you are right Jessica. She does need some solid love and appreciation of the very good job she does as wife and mother. I know I can plug away with HRT quietly - I just need to bolster her self esteem - she has been so much better than most dealing with a husband with issues. We will get through this better than before.
Your reply is very much valued.
Bigger hugs, Kirsten.

This might be hard.

I have been there and it is awful and hard and consuming for both of you. After coming out of it I realised, probably way too late, how much my wife gave to me by even accepting my cross dressing and gradual feminisation.

Could I have done that if it was her that transitioned?

We need to look and understand the other persons perspective. It is very hard too see or understand while you are going through a transition. It is only afterwards when you can reflect that you can see the other side.

Love and Hugs and keep safe - both you and your partner.

We have been married over 34 years and have two adult daughters. When I came out to my wife in Feb 2017 she took it very hard. We didn't talk about it for months. Sometimes we did not even sleep in the same room. Occasionally I would mention it and she would get very defensive and angry. I gave her time and space, later that year I found a therapist to work with. Some therapy sessions were with both of us, others just one. One of the things I told my wife early on is that I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I also said that when we got married it was 'for better or for worse' and she had survived the 'worse' part, is she could just hold on for a while it would get better.

My wife is still upset, but she has made great progress. She rarely uses my dead name now, and if you ask she will say that she does prefer me over him. Many marriages do not survive this, but time and patience are your best tools. As I mentioned to my wife, if our marriage survives this, then there is nothing that can ever tear us apart. I wish both of you the best of luck.

I've come to the conclusion that most people don't really get things unless they experience it and fall back on core beliefs in reacting to what's different. In modern democratic societies, what I would hope for is basic respect for what's different. With spouses, there is a psychosocial element that also relies on core beliefs and because in many cultures being LGBT is unacceptable or people perceive it is, they attach shame to the practice. It's easy to support LGBT and not have ones social standing jeopardized, but being married to someone that comes out creates shame in many cases. Even if you don't have sex, part of her social identity is being married to you. Maybe it would be a good idea for both of you to go to a competent therapist, together and separately.


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Thank you for your kind words Cindy. You are so right that transition is tough but maybe even tougher on the spouse following along.
Thank you for the tip.
Big hugs Kirsten.

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I am in the same position. My wife married a man not a woman and She can't accept the current situation. I can't and won't go back so we have pretty much given up being married. If you can find a solution that keeps the family together more power to you! For me it was just too hard.

Quote from: krobinson103 on July 28, 2018, 12:09:10 AM
I am in the same position. My wife married a man not a woman and She can't accept the current situation. I can't and won't go back so we have pretty much given up being married. If you can find a solution that keeps the family together more power to you! For me it was just too hard.

@krobinson103    
You are very correct with your comments...  spouses of a transitioner have a most difficult task for them to accept their partner's decision and goals.... and that is obviously understandable as you mentioned.   

There are members here that report that their spouses have accepted their transitioning partners and have decided to stay with them... that is very fortunate for both parties and can be encouraging for those that have not yet decided to split.   
Of course with children in the mix, it does become a bigger and more complex and difficult issue.
I trust that you and your wife will have peace about whatever decisions that both of you make.
Hugs
Danielle

I've been through very similar.

When my ex wife and I met I told her that I had this in me and that I did not know what the future holds. She, she admits naively, thought she could get rid of it, or it was just a kink that we lived with.

We went to gender counsellor meetings together, and to the psychologist together and she complained as much as me that I wasn't being given hormones.

And then I was prescribed them. And everything changed. She looked at me differently. She didn't want to cuddle up in bed. I knew then that the relatinaship was over. And as I developed, through androgyny and inevitably across the line where I was more female than male, it for worse.

But naively in hindsight we fought on. We got married. I cut off all my hair. I stopped HRT. I tried to live as a boy. A proper boy. I tried to convince her that I was cured. And I stopped dressing up.

For about eight months.

One day she asked me why I had not got rid of my stash. I replied that I couldn't let go and what if I realised I was wrong. The next day she ended my marriage.

We had a very rocky path afterwards. She started seeing someone (and I'm fairly sure that she had affairs, but to an extent I don't blame her).

Roll on 18 months and I'm transitioned and living a life that makes me happier than ever. Me and my ex are now good friends and talk more on the phone than we did then. She's been brilliant with supporting our daughter through it. We occasionally have dinner together.

In my case the marriage couldn't survive, and it was unfair of me to think that it could. I am now exploring myself, and my sexuality. I accept others are in relationships where it can survive this. Mine couldn't and me and my ex are now better than we were for all of our short marriage and much of the time before. I now have a better relationship with my family and friends, all of whom comment on how much nicer I am now to be around! If your marriage can survive, brilliant and I'm sure me and everyone else would say how brilliant and happy we are for you. If it breaks down it will be hard, awful. You'll hate the break down. But it could also be a different kind of brilliant.

Em x

 I now know where Walking The Tightrope leads. It leads to being asked to leave. Tonight will be my second night away from home. There is no such thing as an agreed compromise for my wife and I and transition.

I dont know what the future holds.

                                               Homeless hugs, Kirsten.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 27, 2019, 09:22:37 PM
I now know where Walking The Tightrope leads. It leads to being asked to leave. Tonight will be my second night away from home. There is no such thing as an agreed compromise for my wife and I and transition.

I dont know what the future holds.

                                               Homeless hugs, Kirsten.

OH Kirsten!  Your situation must be so full of stress and concern.

I wish the best for you, and that things can work out with your wife and you transitioning.

Perhaps you said more in another thread related to this recent homeless development, as this thread is somewhat dated except for your most recent message.  But I read enough to know that this has got to be a tough time for you now.  Be strong. 

Hugs,

Chrissy

I am so sorry.  Unfortunately, I experienced the same thing 6 months ago.  This is going to be a tough time for you with a great deal of tears if your experience is anything like mine.  I wish I had magic words to help, but I don't.  Please seek help if things get too rough....I did, and it did help.  You can get past this.  Don't let it defeat you.

Quote from: Kirsteneklund7 on May 27, 2019, 09:22:37 PM
I now know where Walking The Tightrope leads. It leads to being asked to leave. Tonight will be my second night away from home. There is no such thing as an agreed compromise for my wife and I and transition.

I dont know what the future holds.

                                               Homeless hugs, Kirsten.

Kirsten, many of us were as homeless as you are.  You need some time to overcome the initial shock, it takes quite a few days.  I was ready to end my life when it happened to me.  I went to therapy, and they made me whole again.  After a while I could start to build my own life, which ended up at the place I am now, a very happy older woman!

You are strong and will master this, too.  You now have the freedom to become the woman you are supposed to be, go for it once the initial sadness is over!

We all feel with you, and send you all the virtual hugs and love we can!
Stay strong girl!
Linde

Hi Kirsten,
I'm a bit of a shy lurker, but have certainly followed your story closely the last year that I have come to the site. Just wanted you to know that there are more here than just the regular posters that follow and care about your story and are wishing the best for you. Sorry I don't have any magic words for you either, just my sympathy and well wishes.  😢

All my best,
Kate