Here ya go! https://m.facebook.com/ellie.shivers for anyone else on tapatalk too

So I officially started PREP. It scares the crap out of me. Just the acknowledgement is terrifying, but... it's the responsible thing, and better than hiding my head in the sand and assuming no one is going to lie to me, be ignorant about their own status, etc.

Also, it occurred to me by the time I move to Atlanta, I'll have been on HRT 9 months. I don't even understand how that is possible, I started it yesterday. 9 months... Jesus. Honestly, I thought I'd have more physical changes by now. I mean, I've had some for sure, but breasts still A (maybe close to B), muscle hasn't really been shed too much, etc. Maybe it's just perception though, I don't have any good pictures to compare to.

And lastly, I had... an interesting thought tonight. So, I sort of wanted to give certain uh... sexual experiences a try that I haven't done in a while, to see if there has been any changes with HRT in that regard. Well, there was but not the one I was expecting. After already preparing and getting setup I just stopped and thought about it and was like... "Meh, I'm tired and have a small headache, not tonight." And then I remembered all of the stereotypes about the girlfriend/wife/etc. being tired or having a headache. So that settled something once and for all: Any vestigial testosterone driven sex drive is most certainly just gone. Like... 100% utterly and completely gone. Curious what will happen on progesterone.

Just realized I never posted this. Me in the dress outside of Hamilton. I have to work on my posture.

Also no clue why my hands look huge, weird dress contrast or something. I have disproportionately tiny hands.

Quote from: Roll on August 03, 2018, 10:11:50 PM


Just realized I never posted this. Me in the dress outside of Hamilton. I have to work on my posture.

Also no clue why my hands look huge, weird dress contrast or something. I have disproportionately tiny hands.

@Roll
Dear Ellie.... you look terrific in my opinion.  Please don't be so critical about your appearance.
As is usually the case, we are our own worst critics.

Again, you look great. 
Thank you for sharing your picture with us.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on August 03, 2018, 10:29:36 PM
@Roll
Dear Ellie.... you look terrific in my opinion.  Please don't be so critical about your appearance.
As is usually the case, we are our own worst critics.

Again, you look great. 
Thank you for sharing your picture with us.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

I happen to agree with Danielle.  Everyone of us are our own largest critic. We all are learning and with such, perfection is hoped, but never recognized by ourselves.  Always seeing everything everyone else doesn't see.

Hugs and smiles, Jess

So finally got hold of another person I needed to come out to. She was another of my mom's best friends and an amazing friend to me over the years as well. I was friends with her son as a kid, but.... uh, less said about that situation the better. Anywho, I came out to her on Saturday. I have tried before to call but between both of us being busy with life never managed to connect. She was amazing accepting as has been everyone else, and we met up for lunch on Sunday and talked for a long while. She then got really excited and took me back to her place to try on some clothes that no longer fit her, and gave me two pairs of jeans, two tops from Chicos that are super nice, and some jewelry, plus a cool pink hooded sweater I definitely needed going to Atlanta for the winter! She was having so much fun and said it was like having a little sister.

Tonight i'm going to try to stop and call the last two people I need to tell, my aunt and uncle on my dad's side. This might be a hard one. They are loving, sweet people, but I would be extremely surprised if they knew anything about trans people beyond what the wrong type of news media might be telling them. Fingers crossed.

Quote from: Roll on August 06, 2018, 03:20:40 PM
So finally got hold of another person I needed to come out to. She was another of my mom's best friends and an amazing friend to me over the years as well. I was friends with her son as a kid, but.... uh, less said about that situation the better. Anywho, I came out to her on Saturday. I have tried before to call but between both of us being busy with life never managed to connect. She was amazing accepting as has been everyone else, and we met up for lunch on Sunday and talked for a long while. She then got really excited and took me back to her place to try on some clothes that no longer fit her, and gave me two pairs of jeans, two tops from Chicos that are super nice, and some jewelry, plus a cool pink hooded sweater I definitely needed going to Atlanta for the winter! She was having so much fun and said it was like having a little sister.

Tonight i'm going to try to stop and call the last two people I need to tell, my aunt and uncle on my dad's side. This might be a hard one. They are loving, sweet people, but I would be extremely surprised if they knew anything about trans people beyond what the wrong type of news media might be telling them. Fingers crossed.

@Roll
Dear Ellie:
Wowzers... this is fantastic good news about your mom's friend and her acceptance of you...

Yes, for sure, the older crowd like your aunt and uncle probably have only heard and seen bad news about trans-women.  There is a lot of not too flattering information and pictures out there that depicts transgenders as freaks.
Good luck with coming out to them and I am wishing your well as always.  If they are nearby perhaps a personal visit might be a better option as it was for coming out to your mom's friend.

Please keep us posted.
Hugs,
Danielle

Congratulations on coming out to your old friends Mom. It sounds like you had a great time.

Coming out to your Aunt and Uncle. It may be difficult and they may not welcome you. That is their choice and it is beyond your control. You are their niece and that really is the core, Beyond that is gravy. I wish you luck and I will be sending positive thoughts your way.

Welp. That's that. I batted 1000. Every last relative and family friend is supportive and accepting. I don't understand how this is even possible, almost all of my extended family is devoutly religious and mostly politically conservative. How the hell did I hit the lottery like this? I mean, I'm just blown away by all of them. I mean, I seriously feel sort of guilty about it. The worst I've gotten was my brother's strange ignorance on a few things, but that was nothing in the scheme of things.

When I told my aunt, she instantly said how happy she was for me. We didn't get to finish the conversation unfortunately because phone kept cutting off, so I'll call her back tomorrow.

I think it helps that they all knew how bad it was before for me, and how much I went through with my mom... so when they hear how well I'm doing... that I'm getting out, driving, about to graduate, my anxiety is gone, I'm down 90+ pounds... I think they see that it's a positive thing without question, nothing to be shamed or preached about or questioned or anything.

God... What was I afraid of all those years?

Awesome, I am so happy for you.

Quote from: Roll on August 06, 2018, 07:56:56 PM
Welp. That's that. I batted 1000. Every last relative and family friend is supportive and accepting. I don't understand how this is even possible, almost all of my extended family is devoutly religious and mostly politically conservative. How the hell did I hit the lottery like this? I mean, I'm just blown away by all of them. I mean, I seriously feel sort of guilty about it. The worst I've gotten was my brother's strange ignorance on a few things, but that was nothing in the scheme of things.

When I told my aunt, she instantly said how happy she was for me. We didn't get to finish the conversation unfortunately because phone kept cutting off, so I'll call her back tomorrow.

I think it helps that they all knew how bad it was before for me, and how much I went through with my mom... so when they hear how well I'm doing... that I'm getting out, driving, about to graduate, my anxiety is gone, I'm down 90+ pounds... I think they see that it's a positive thing without question, nothing to be shamed or preached about or questioned or anything.

God... What was I afraid of all those years?

@Roll
Dear Ellie:
This is very fantastic news....   you are right, what were you afraid of all those years. 

I had the same kind of anxiety when I finally (and accidentally) came out to my town and to my suitors...  all of my fears and trepidation were for nothing....  except for a few people here that I could count on my hand with a couple fingers missing everyone else has accepted me readily and unconditionally.....  I ask myself, what was I afraid of all those years? 

Now my next challenge is to get accepted by my parents, my extended family... and to some of my old friends back home....  so far I am batting a zero on that front.   Can I borrow your bat?  Perhaps I will have better luck.

Thanks for posting your good news story.  Is there anyone else that is important in your life that you need to come out to

I am so very happy for you.... go forward without fear onto your goals!!!
Hugs, and more hugs,
Danielle

Not really. I mean... My Mom's family knows fully. My Dad's family just found out tonight. Family friends know. Childhood friends know. Internet friends know.

There is one more friend of my mom's I'd like to tell actually thinking about it. I will work up the nerve to call her tomorrow. She was there when my my mom died, and they were literally friends when they were teenagers. I haven't spoken to her in a while and need to check on her regardless.

Congratulations Ellie! People see how positive this has been for you, as you said -- anxiety gone, weight loss, driving, graduating...they love you and can't help but be supportive. Mostly people want their loved ones to be in a good place, and it sounds like that's what you've done for yourself. Onward!
Randy

Congrats Ellie!  Wow, you are so much further along.  It seems like yesterday you were just starting.  I have some catch up to do with you now.  Amazing everybody is supportive.  So far, I am in the same boat.  It's so weird that our conservative families are backing us, but they are!

Bari Jo

Congratulations on all your progress, Ellie and for coming out and being accepted by everyone that matters in your life. And by now you have probably spoken to the one tensing friend of your Mum. I trust that went as well as it did with everyone else.

Btw, you look really good in the photo from NYC outside the theatre.

Hugs,
Jayne

The picture is bothering me honestly when I see it now. I felt like I looked better than I do in the picture but I just look so... square and large. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of myself for taking it, and for spending that weekend as I did including dressing up, I just... I dunno.

Gotta get rid of this extra weight, it is destroying my self esteem.

Quote from: Roll on August 10, 2018, 07:19:40 PM
The picture is bothering me honestly when I see it now. I felt like I looked better than I do in the picture but I just look so... square and large. Don't get me wrong, I'm proud of myself for taking it, and for spending that weekend as I did including dressing up, I just... I dunno.

Gotta get rid of this extra weight, it is destroying my self esteem.

Don't be too hard on yourself Ellie. Remember we are our own worst critics. Even cis women have the same kind of self image concerns. You really do look great and getting better all the time as the HRT keeps working and you learn more about your own personal style. You have a lot to be proud of.

Hugs,
Jayne

Hey Ellie,

Stop being so hard on yourself you look fantastic, it's only in your mind.
Look at the woman to your left further back she has a bigger frame and no cares in the world. Everyone of us is different, it keeps things interesting that way.
Seriously stay positive, you've come so far lately and look awesome.

Hugs

Sophie

Sent from my SM-G950F using Tapatalk

Thanks for the kind words as usual, those sudden downs are rough.    Most of the time I really am positive.

The other day I made a post in the faceapp thread of yesteryear, comparing me now with the filtered versions from February. I have to admit, it's getting close even if it is hard to see it in isolation. I keep going back to that same old same old: complete devastation of beard remnants is what is most in order, along with weight loss (or far faster fat redistribution, as long as I get rid of the love handles/belly! ).

Anywho, going to do something a bit outside of my comfort zone today. So as you all know, I did hair transplants back in June. It has now been about two months since them. 2,250 grafts. Prior to the transplants, I wasn't completely barren on top but I was getting there. My hair line was solid (nothing was done in the front inch or so), but the rest was... bad. So all of a sudden I am noticing a massive shift. I don't have any saved photos of before to compare to, but here we go, 2 months post transplant. (Face cropped out because holy god I sliced myself up shaving this morning. New blade.)

Front view. Notice my curls in the back that even though this is fresh out of the shower, STILL WON'T STAY DOWN. The rest of my hair will be like that in about 10 minutes. My sister keeps poking at the ringlets.


Top view.


I've been told this is nothing, only a fraction of what it will look like in a year. I've seen two different timelines. One says starting month 3, 10% per month with 100% just over a year. The one my doctor gave me was up to 50% by 6-9 months, 90% by 18 months, 100% by 24 months. On either scale I seem to be ahead of the curve considering I'm just at 2. I can feel lots of spiky stubble hair growing in constantly, and also plenty of wispy vellus hair that should become visible sooner than later. In grown has only been a minor problem so far.

In the first picture you can actually see the scar on my forehead. That scar has the best dumb story ever. When I was a little kid I was running around with my pants around my ankles, because... you know, I was a little kid and also weird. Welp, I tripped. And I hit the sharp edge of a metal bed frame probably made in the 70s before people thought "hey, kids hurt themselves on things a lot, we should probably do stuff that will avoid that". A screaming car ride to the hospital later, COOL SCAR.

aw, that's great progress!

I too have a scar on my forehead from when I was little. I was around 4 years old and I was out with my mom and I was jumping around on some stone planters at a strip mall. I think I remember my mom saying "stop it, you'll split your head open!".. then guess what happened! Only time I ever got stitches lol