Thank you everyone for recognizing Laura for the amazing woman she was. I first met Laura when she emailed me. She and I shared the same therapist and I had given her permission to share my name with any of her clients who might need someone to discuss things with. She first reached out to discuss my experience with my GCS doctor. Our relationship soon went beyond that and developed into a friendship.
Laura was a quirky, funny and troubled young lady. We did a number of things together and she had been a guest at my house on a number of occasions. We discussed a lot of the issues that we face in transition. We went out to clubs and we just hung out. She was very spiritual and had a lot of things on her mind. She was a medical doctor who specialized in Psychiatry and Neurology. She was working with sexually violent predators (mainly pedophiles) at the Calinga State Hospital at the time of her death. (Before that she worked at Kaiser Permanente in San Diego) We did not discuss her work much because she couldn't talk about it. We would text and FaceTime each other as we discussed our transition related issues. We shared other doctors as well and we discussed our experiences with them. We talked about dating, relationships and sex. I know that she struggled with a lot of issues and I was glad that we had each other to talk about things.
Laura was an extremely private individual and so I never publicly posted anything about our friendship and what we did together. She was so private that I do not have a single picture of the two of us together because she never wanted others to know about her transition. She struggled with her relationship with her family. It's apparent that her parents did not accept her transition. Laura was raised Christian but had become Buddhist in her adult life. She had told me that she forgave her family and said prayers for them.
A few months ago Laura asked me a rather strange question. She asked me if she could hire a funeral home back in New Jersey and hold a funeral for her former self. She thought that by doing that she could help make peace with her past self and with her parents. She felt it was a very spiritual thing to do and could maybe help everyone. She had just recently been in communication with her brother and sister via FaceTime. She said it was a "miracle" that her brother and sister-in-law called her Laura. She said that her sister thought that she looked better than her. She had texted with her parents but Laura didn't think that they were ready for any conversations yet. I don't know what her last contact with them was like but obviously they did not accept her.
Sadly, the funeral for her former self is the one that was held for real. There was no mention of Laura at her funeral, although I've been told by someone who was there that there her brother peppered his comments with hints about Laura. I was told that he looked and sounded devastated and that it looked like he was hiding something. She is now another statistic of what is all too common in the transgender community. Rejection by family is one of the most cited reasons that trans individuals give for taking their own life. I don't understand how someone can turn their back to their own child. But it happens way too much. I have been crying ever since I received the news of her death. I cry for Laura and I also cry for those in the community who have to endure the rejection of their families. Being trans is hard in and of itself. Being trans without the support of family is enormously difficult as we all know.
I have shed a lot of tears over her death and over how she was treated by her family. She once told me that she had sent her former self away to the final resting place in heaven, inside herself and everyone else. Apparently her family didn't get that memo. Her old self was her protector and his work was finished when she emerged. She had inherited all of "his" best qualities. She told me that transition was not easy for her and she had to risk so much to make that leap of faith. She had lost a lot but she had trust that everything, and more, would be restored to her for the benefit of all beings. She had recently mentioned that there were so many girls who had gone before us who "rest in power" as a reward for their self compassion of embarking on the virtuous and courageous path of physiologic and psychosocial transition. She felt that "resting in power" comes from our courage of facing our fears and risking death or annihilation. She told me that she would never give up and that I should continue to pray that the universe would become kind to her. Looking at these messages now and rereading them again and again I can see that she was struggling with so many things.
Apparently she did give up and I am left to wonder what was it that crushed her optimism that she had always shown. I grieve for her and all of our other brothers and sisters who have reached the point of no return and see only the darkness as a way to the light. Support from family, either birth or chosen is so very important in getting through the field of landmines that is transition. I know I have many friends who struggle with so many issues. We have to be present for each other and be willing to love and support each other.
Laura once told me "may the time of outer, inner, secret and any type of conflict cease for all beings..." I hope that someday we can all get to that place. For now, REST IN POWER Laura, you mattered to me and many others.
