Sorry it took so long to respond.  I spent a few days away from the internet and the phone.  I needed some quiet time.

Anyway. Thank you all for the condolences.  He was a good friend and a mentor.  I'm sad, but I'm glad we got to be friends.  He was worth knowing.  On top of that, my dad died in November, so that makes this loss tougher.  Still, life goes on and I'm ok.  I just miss my friend.

posting here because that's what it's here for. I didn't want to post in my thread and get pats-on-the-head or platitudes (not meant to insult my online friends, I know they care).

Last night and today suck. That's the best way to describe it. Body Dysphoria kicked in strong last night and continuing today. Last night I almost lost it and choked it down. I am holding it together today, but only just. I'm at work, I can't break down here. I picked a middling outfit. I wanted to wear a big ratty t-shirt and similar pants ... I don't have any and I couldn't wear it to work anyways. My wife has threatened to dispose of all my, less-than-good-work-around-the-house, clothes to prevent me from finding and wearing them.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

No, I'm not OK.

Faith,
I'm sorry for your bad day, I have had similar days,  it sucks, big hugs and hope you feel better soon.

Nicole

Quote from: Faith on August 15, 2018, 06:29:42 AM
posting here because that's what it's here for. I didn't want to post in my thread and get pats-on-the-head or platitudes (not meant to insult my online friends, I know they care).

Last night and today suck. That's the best way to describe it. Body Dysphoria kicked in strong last night and continuing today. Last night I almost lost it and choked it down. I am holding it together today, but only just. I'm at work, I can't break down here. I picked a middling outfit. I wanted to wear a big ratty t-shirt and similar pants ... I don't have any and I couldn't wear it to work anyways. My wife has threatened to dispose of all my, less-than-good-work-around-the-house, clothes to prevent me from finding and wearing them.

I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle.

No, I'm not OK.

@Faith
Dear Faith:
You never have to be worried about pats on the head or platitudes on this thread.... also any comforting replies or comments that you get on the other forum threads, especially on your own thread, as a result of posting bad news... is genuine and heartfelt, especially from your regular followers...  by the way, I will always accept all the comforting comments that I can get when I am down and out.

By the way we obviously all have bad news from time to time, so it is not an big and bad issue to post about it,
besides, when @Nicole70 started this "R U OK?" thread a few months ago back in early June, more than 63 replies have been posted.   
This thread is doing exactly what she intended it to do, to let participating member post about their bad days without a flurry of trite consoling replies...   
Here especially please feel free to vent your frustrations and get them off of your chest when you can.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hey Faith. Sorry for the bad day you are having. I hope tomorrow is a much better day for you.

Hugs,
Jayne

This was a great idea for a thread Nicole.

I spend a lot of time in my own head. I'm a self confessed introvert and tend to not socialize very often so an outlet like this is nice to have. I spend a lot of time feeling depressed, angry and scared. I hate what I'm going through. I hate being this way. I spend a lot of time wondering "Why aren't I normal". If I'm female why wasn't I born that way or why don't I feel male as I was born that way. Sometimes it get's too much. Life shouldn't be this hard to live or be who you want to be.  I just want to be happy and I don't think I can be. I feel trapped in a shrinking box that is one day going to get too small for me. All day every day I think about how I feel so wrong. Trapped in my own skin in some overweight ridiculous masculine prison. Serving time for a crime I didn't commit being born the wrong gender. I think if I was alone in life it would be easier, I hope it would. As it stands I'm not alone and I'm afraid of dragging the people close to me through hell. People say I shouldn't be worried about them or I should do what's best for me but it's not that easy. I'm frustrated. Because while it's great being here and being myself and talking to you all which is a great help and benefit to me I'm not like this in real life. I'm still dressing male, acting male, being what society deems me to be. Even though my wife knows she would never accept it. It's a joke to her "Don't become a woman" "you'd look great in high heels" mocking me. I hate myself and sometimes think I don't deserve to be happy. The slim moments when I am happy and I forget about the troubles in my life I always come crashing back. I know I'll never be happy until I make that change but I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. If I'll have the courage to do it. I hope therapy helps when I get started with it.

Thanks for giving me a place to release. I needed to do it. I appreciate it.

Abi

Abi,

I'm just catching up after the weekend, I'm so glad you shared your feelings with us, it must be incredibly hard for you not being able to express yourself as a woman, feeling trapped and angry, something many of us here can identify with. I'm sorry your wife isn't taking you seriously, it is certainly no joke.

I understand that you are afraid to upset those around you, it is an extremely difficult decision to make.

Please feel free to post whatever you need to, I'm so glad you found this helpful, a girl needs an outlet! lots of hugs and take care

Nicole

The past two days I've spent most of my time feeling out-of-sorts and back to feeling like a guy dressed as a woman, a poser. It's really got me feeling down about myself. I stare at the closet looking for that magic outfit that will take that feeling away, but I don't own one.

Faith, Been there. Moods are usually transient. Wish we could chat over a cup of coffee or a nice dinner as girlfriends. :-) Nancy