My great grandfather is going to be 100 years old next week.  There's going to be a huge party, with family members from all over the place flying in to be here for it.  There's a big banner with his face on it, streamers, balloons, table decorations, and a guest book.  I overheard my grandma talking about him picking which suit he wanted to wear.

I don't want anything to do with any of this.  I currently live with my grandma because things didn't work out with my previous living situation and I had nowhere else to turn, and my job doesn't pay enough for me to afford housing in this area.  I've been waiting several months now for a family friend to get one of her rental properties fixed up so that I can move into that, but she hasn't even gotten started.  So for now, I'm stuck here.  I already requested the day off for the party, so I can't claim that I can't get out of work.  I didn't realize at the time just how big of a thing this was going to be.  I expected a lot of family members showing up at my great-grandparents' house in a casual setting, but now it's looking more like some kind of semi-fancy event that's going to take place here in my grandma's house.

Reasons I don't want to do this:

-I came out to my mom and grandma several years ago, before I was able to start transition, and it didn't go well at all.  I was still living elsewhere then, so after they blew up on me and then refused to acknowledge that any of it had ever happened, I was able to just go back home and not talk to them... but now I live here again, and I have the "choice" of either having my gender and anything to do with it completely ignored or having it escalate into a huge fight that I no longer have any way of escaping from.

-While I'm sure everyone "talks" behind my back, I haven't personally come out to anyone else in the family, so I don't know who knows what about anything.  These are all basically strangers who think they know me because they saw me a few times a year as a kid.  None of them have gotten to know me as a person, much less an adult, and we're not in contact outside of family events.  Likewise, all I know about them is superficial traits and the fact that everyone in this family is Christian.  So I can't realistically expect to find support or understanding among my relatives.

-I've been on T for 9 months now.  While I'm still not 100% passing, I do pass more often than not.  Changes have definitely occurred, even so none of the people who see me on a daily basis (like my grandma or the people at work, who I'm not out to) seem to have noticed.  If they have noticed anything, they keep it to themselves.  I'm basically in the early stages of puberty, which is easy for people who don't want to see me as anything but a "girl" to ignore.  But still different enough that anyone looking for things to gossip about will surely notice.

-Family gatherings are never comfortable for me.  I have a bad history with my mom and grandma, who have both been and sometimes continue to be abusive (particularly my mom, whom I refused to live with ever again regardless of my financial situation).  The rest of my family doesn't really know me, and will just go between making forced small talk and simply ignoring me.  So I'm just trapped there feeling alone and out of place, being surrounded by a lot of loud noise and people who see me as something I'm not and don't have the time of day to listen, knowing that if I did tell them anything, it would probably be a mistake.  Last time we had a get-together like this, I started having a panic attack and had to go sit outside for a while so no one would notice.  And that was a much smaller event than this is going to be.

I don't know what I'll do if someone starts questioning me.  I also don't know if I can handle being continually misgendered and having to avoid saying anything about it for fear of "ruining" the event and having no way to escape the backlash from my mom and grandma afterward.

As far as I can tell, my only option is to be present and be miserable.  My grandma likes to treat me like a performing dog whenever she has company, calling me out to make sure I "speak" even when I'm not the one the guests came here to see.  She has made a point of refusing to treat me like an adult or even acknowledge that I am one, with her excuse being that I live in her house instead of my own (despite the fact that I have already moved out, had to come here as a last resort, and have been trying to get into my own place again ever since).  Since her gossip is all my extended family knows about me, they also treat me like a child whenever they're around.  There's nothing I can even do about it. 
And all that is bad enough on its own, but being closeted even while transitioning is killing me.  It's killing me at work and it's killing me at home, and if something doesn't change soon, it might kill me for real.  I'm completely at a loss for what else to do, though, because talking about these things only makes my situation worse.

I'm hoping that others will chime in, but after reading your post, these are the first things I thought of.  Hopefully they'll help, even a little bit.

Is there any way you can go to a motel for a night or two?  I'm sure that your Great granddad would much rather have a personal gift and quality time alone with his grandson than watch you have a panic attack in the middle of his party.

As for the strangers you're related to, it sounds like the less contact you have with them the better. 

As for your grandmother and mother, I'd avoid them as much as possible.  If you have you  own room, stay in it.  Say you're not feeling well, after all, it would be a partial truth.  If you have a car, whenever they're around, maybe go to friends' houses, the park, the beach, library, etc.  If there's a third shift at your job, you might want to consider switching to it.  Not only would you be sleeping when they're awake, but it would be a way to help you avoid any further family get-togethers. 

Your grandmother needs to realize that you are an adult, NOT a trained dog.  Your mother you might want to avoid altogether, especially if she's abusive.

Is there any way you can rent a room from someone else since it seems like your friend is flaking out on you?  Check craigslist, or your local apartment directory online for "room to rent."


Perhaps move your stuff into paid storage?  That way, if anyone's inclined to toss out your stuff, they couldn't. 

It sounds to me like you may need to make a clean break if your family's upsetting you so much.  So much mental poison isn't healthy for anyone.

If you want anyone to vent to, feel free to message me.  Trust me, you're stronger than you think.

And congrats on 9 months+ on T!

Ryuichi

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@meatwagon

I agree with what Ryuichi said above, I think the party is best avoided for the reason you stated. If this was your party I would confront my family But - it is not, I would contact your great grandfather and tell him you will spend time with him one on one (if you can)
I actually got a bit teary reading your predicament, I really feel for you because I know what its like to have nasty family members bringing you down. (my mother-in-law is really horrible)

There comes a time in every persons life when they must confront the truth, in this case the truth is about you.  When I was 20 years old I confronted my violent and abusive father infront of my mother, my brother and his girlfriend, I could say I was nervous but actually I was furious with something my father had just said to my brother - a massive put down, one of many, and this time I wasn't going to let it go.  I found out later from my mum that my father spent the entire night crying about it and came and said sorry to my brother and me in the morning - which felt very strange (and unfair ) after so many years of living in fear of him.

That being said, the consequences of falling out with your grandmother means homelessness and hardship. I suggest you find and make plans for the long term that include moving away from immediate family because I can't help feeling that you will only gain the respect of your grandmother (and mother perhaps) when you are completely taking care of yourself. AND you will have the freedom to make the decisions for yourself that make you happy.  When you are no longer under another persons roof - they will understand that they no longer have the same hold on you and their comments will become more respectful because they know you now have the ability to simply walk away from them and there's nothing they can do ( but make amends ).

I don't know about your work situation but - its important to have a job somewhere - for income, for your self esteem, for people contact.

I hope you are able to formulate a plan that works for you,

Take care,

Sonja.

thanks for your replies!  i wasn't sure if anyone was gonna bother with that wall of text or not...

I'm still not sure what the best immediate solution is, but I know regardless of what I do about the party I need to move out as soon as possible.  The only reason I haven't found another place already is because I don't actually want to live in this area longer than I have to.  The house I'm supposed to be renting is in a better part of town, and the only reason I'd be able to afford it at all is because the owner knows me--and even then, I'll be splitting the rent with a friend (who unfortunately lives an hour away right now and isn't in a very good home situation, either, so hanging out together to get away from either of our families just isn't doable).  So the plan was to accept this house so that we could both have a chance to get on our feet without having to make a big, risky move straight off the bat.  We've done a lot of searching for other affordable places in the area, and there just aren't any.  So at this point, it's pretty much either that house or another city entirely.  The owner of the house says that work should be started by the end of this month.  If that doesn't happen, I will have to back out of the arrangement and start looking elsewhere.
But given the way things are going for me lately, I think it couldn't hurt to keep looking for temporary housing solutions.  I've ruled out things like motels/hotels; they're low commitment, which is what I really need right now, but way too high cost to be a viable option.  I don't have any other friends I can stay with, or any family members nearby that I trust.  But I'll at least be keeping my eyes open for an opportunity.

I would like to see my great grandfather and just spend time with him by myself, and if my family were the least bit reasonable, I'd just tell them that I'm going to do that instead of being at the party... but they've got to make a huge deal out of everything and won't hear of other people having different ideas of how to do things.  So that's just something I'll have to deal with if I end up not going, even so I do plan on seeing him to tell him happy birthday and all.  We haven't been close since I was little, but I still love him and he's never done anything to hurt or upset me.  Of course I want to be there for him, just... wish I could do that without having to be surrounded by everyone else and expected to "perform" in a role I'm not comfortable with.  I'm especially worried about the hints that this might be a semi-formal occasion.  I don't even own "nice" clothes, and if I did, they certainly wouldn't be for women. 

Part of me thinks it'd be much easier to just suffer through one single day than to worry about uprooting what little security I have, which I think is a valid option... but then the other part of me knows that I've been so stressed from being caught in between everything being stagnant and everything being in transition (not just my body, but my life) that one big hit might just be enough to make me snap.  I've been wrestling the urge to quit my job, get in the car, and just leave everything... either that or take it out on myself in some way.  So I have my reasons for why this "one day" carries so many red flags and is a much bigger deal than it might be otherwise.  I have to be careful with what I choose from this point on; I'm just not sure which choice is the right one.

There's the possibility of skipping out on it and visiting him by myself and just telling my family that work called, but I'm worried about the aftermath if I have nowhere to go but home after that.  My only other option, though (unless I find a place to stay and literally move out within less than a week somehow?), is to just stick it out and tell myself it's not that bad and the party will only last a few hours anyway.  Maybe it'd be worth it, maybe no one will say anything at all.

I'll be giving it some more thought.  I have a couple of days left...

@meatwagon

Hi, I understand that this particular gathering holds a number of head-on collisions that make it a standout moment for you.  When we can see things approaching like this, we can ask ourselves - is this a battle I want to fight? - personally I only like fighting battles where I can predict the outcome, and that the outcome is in my favour. The outcome of a confrontation with your family at the moment will only put you in a weaker position as you are forced to swallow your pride and back down.

Because you don't have any alternative accommodation at this point in time I would urge on the side of caution,  perhaps playing the part for a few hours is, on this occasion the best choice, you can tell yourself - your doing it all for your great grandfathers happiness, to avoid the drama of a confrontation on a day celebrating his life. 
Clothes wise - borrow something from friends or family, play the part - but keep the thought in your mind at the party ( this is only for my great grandfathers happiness ) God knows how many times I have had to bite my tongue at family gatherings over the years....but sometimes confrontation will genuinely make things worse.

If you are not married and and don't have any children, I would seriously consider moving well away from family, for some reason the people who are meant to watch your back can often end up jumping on it and weighing you down.

Good luck! what ever you do, wear a big smile - because everyone will be wondering why you are so happy! an its because you've got plans for the future!

Sonja.