I'm 16 and for the past 5 years I've been having constant thoughts of wanting to be female, I mean like daily thoughts and always wishing I could be female.
I've been covering it up by being a "lad" because I know my family won't accept me at all ( trust me they're really transphobic). When I'm at a party and I'm kissing girls I just have the thought in the back of my mind that i wish it was the other way round!
Every time I see a pretty girl I just wish I was her, I've just been thinking to save up and when I'm 18/19 move to a country thousands of miles away and getting a sex change and living as who I want to be. ( I just can't stop thinking of how much my family will hate me but I still love them).
I'm fortunate to have a pretty feminine figure and I try and shave my body but I just don't really know what to do! I'd really appreciate any advice anyone has or even just you're thoughts on what I'm thinking!

Oh and call me Ellie!

x

Hi Ellie 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's Place!  I'm Jessica.
I'm so happy you found Susan's Place, this is a very supportive group here that can be of great help.  Another great starting point is by speaking privately to your doctor and finding a gender therapist to help you find the path you need to take. 
Family dynamics is certainly an issue, but sometimes love wins over hate.

I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red.  It has answers to questions that are commonly asked.  Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.

I see you are one of our younger members, please feel free to stop by the Youth Introductions Forum and get acquainted with us all!

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@jms345 
Dear Ellie   .
I am glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your very first posting with other members here on the various threads on the Forums.
here. 
I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation..

I see that our beautiful and lovely member @Jessica has already welcomed you but please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.
When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 
Included in the LINKS that Jessica posted below her welcome message there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

@jms345
Oh, and another thing Ellie,
As Jessica recommended to you near the end of her Welcome Message
please stop by the Youth Introductions Forum and get acquainted with us all!

I will be looking forward to seeing your various postings and comments around the Forums.
Hugs,
Danielle

Welcome to the site. I'm Julia. I can relate to your story. When I was 16 I was a very unhappy "boy" but I was afraid to come out as trans. My family just assumed I was gay and they were aware that I liked boys and that I messed around with them sexually. They accepted me but I was really afraid coming out as trans would be pushing it too far. But even if your family seems transphobic and you're sure they won't accept you that's not always the case. Sometimes people who seem totally unaccepting will accept something that effects a family member, especially their child. My dad is a former Marine and is now a police officer. He's very much the masculine guy stereotype and I was really afraid he wouldn't accept me being trans. Because of that I was afraid to tell him. Finally right after I turned 17 my dad outed me himself. He just asked me if I wanted to be a girl. He said if I did it was ok but that I needed to do it and get it out of the way while I was young. My dad helped me with everything related to transition. He signed giving his permission for me to start hrt, paid for everything related to transition and paid for my SRS which I had in may. I never imagined he would actually help me transition but he did. My grandpa was and is very anti trans and anti anything LGBT related. He's always been very vocal about it too. I was sure he would never accept me being trans. But he did. It wasn't an immediate thing but over time he's accepted it. His attitude seems to be "I don't approve of or accept LGBT people but since you are family I will accept you". People can surprise you.

If possible I suggest you talk with a counselor familiar with gender issues. You can try calling a LGBT hotline and perhaps they can refer you to someone who won't charge you. If you decide you want to transition try to start testosterone blockers as soon as possible.
I don't know what the laws are in your country but I assume you would need parental consent to start testosterone blockers. If that's the case and your parents won't give consent it's ok. Even if you start blockers and hrt at 18 the results will still be good. I started hrt at age 17 and I still got great results. If you're planning on transition there are things you can do now that will help make it easier when you turn 18. If you need it there are all kinds of tutorials on YouTube for making your voice more feminine. You can also start hair removal if you have facial hair.

Your family might surprise you and be more accepting than you think but only you can decide if you want to risk coming out. But even if you have to wait until you're 18 you're still young enough to get very good results from hrt.

Hey Ellie, (which is a beautiful name, by the way )

Yep, that jealousy. I know.

Before I began transition I considered the same. Moving away, once I'm old enough. Save. And then get it going. I didn't wanna tell my family at first, and I wasn't sure about some of their reactions. Eventually I ended up coming out to my mother when I was 16 in order to get the hormone blockers. The fear of puberty and its irreversible effects made me too sick and depressed. It took me another year until I went full time, but everybody surprised me by how supportive they were.

In the meantime, I tried to become androgynous. Got a nice pixie cut, got myself gender neutral clothing. (And sometimes people already gendered me correctly. Ouh yeah!  ) That was a big relief and made it easier to jump to the other side later on (not that much of a shock for people around you, as well as much better for your wallet to update your wardrobe slowly).

Also, I told some friends and started to express myself aorund them in private. If that's an option for you, consider it. May be a giant relief too. Even if you're only talking about it. That's great. You can get these feelings out there, share them, throw a little load of your mind.

And ... if you can manage to do that safely and have the guts  , you can get yourself some clothes from the women's section. A dress or anything you're interested in, skinny jeans, a bra, ... and have them for yourself, when you're alone, to see yourself in the right clothing from time to time. That's a relief as well. (You could even try the skinny jeans in public, though that might go too far if you're staying stealthy for now.)

What brings me to my next point. Practice some things you may need later, already. Gives you a headstart then. One of them could be tucking. Or make up. You could let your friends teach you. Think about letting your hair grow.

So, heres a short overview for you:

- Try and see if you can get hormone blockers (stay away from self prescription, please)
- Get yourself an androgynous look (clothes, haircut)
- Come out to friends, be yourself with them

- Get yourself some feminine clothing for when you're alone
- Practice what you may need later on (tucking, make up)

I jope that helps you a little bit and inspires you, Ellie. You're gonna be great. :*