Hello all! I am a new member to this forum. I joined because I wanted to get opinions on my experience and also to read the stories of other transgender and gender nonconforming people.

Basically, what has happened to me is, I came out as agender when I was thirteen (I'm almost eighteen) and then shortly after I realized I was a trans man and I started the process of physically transitioning. I was on hormones for a year and three months, and I went off of them because I stopped being excited about the changes that were happening to me and I also faced my attraction to women and detranstioned and came out as a lesbian. I have been living as a lesbian and a woman for a few months now, though in those few months I did feel a draw to start identifying as male again and went through a period where I asked friends and people online to call me he/him, male terms, and a masculine name. I have felt an inclination to identify as male again. But, on one hand, I feel if I really am male it may not matter.

Because of the negative experience I had with HRT, I do not want to go back on hormones. I also want to become pregnant when I get older and I prefer feminine clothing. These things make me think that if I really am male I should just continue living as female because that is the role that fits me the best. Really what I wish was that I had been born a cis man and could just be a feminine man.

Any insight that could be given on my experience would be greatly appreciated. Do you think it would be possible for someone (living in a big city in the Western US) to present femininely but go by he pronouns and be seen as male by most people?

Thank you all, and I look forward to becoming an active member on this forum.

Gender is a spectre. Don't restrict yourself with binary "female" and "male", there's some more options. Transgenders also can express them in different degree as far as I know - somebody need to make full transition, other ones are good with just talking in gender role they want. Also I'd suggest you to let it settle and see what happens in few years. Will you still feel yourself as male? Or maybe you'll find yourself somewhere in middle? Until that you can learn more from people here, for example.
Not that I'm expert but it's mine opinion

Hi, Spock!

Welcome to Susan's.

It sounds like you might be non-binary.  There are many flavours of transgender, so you are not limited to male or female.  No one can tell you what you are: you have to figure it out for yourself. 

I would recommend talking to a therapist about this to help you get some clarity.  Presumably, you had a gender therapist for your previous transition attempt.  Can you still go back to them to help you figure this out?  Alternatively, you could try a new therapist.

Live long and prosper!

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Quote from: spock on August 16, 2018, 06:43:04 AM
Hello all! I am a new member to this forum. I joined because I wanted to get opinions on my experience and also to read the stories of other transgender and gender nonconforming people.

Basically, what has happened to me is, I came out as agender when I was thirteen (I'm almost eighteen) and then shortly after I realized I was a trans man and I started the process of physically transitioning. I was on hormones for a year and three months, and I went off of them because I stopped being excited about the changes that were happening to me and I also faced my attraction to women and detranstioned and came out as a lesbian. I have been living as a lesbian and a woman for a few months now, though in those few months I did feel a draw to start identifying as male again and went through a period where I asked friends and people online to call me he/him, male terms, and a masculine name. I have felt an inclination to identify as male again. But, on one hand, I feel if I really am male it may not matter.

Because of the negative experience I had with HRT, I do not want to go back on hormones. I also want to become pregnant when I get older and I prefer feminine clothing. These things make me think that if I really am male I should just continue living as female because that is the role that fits me the best. Really what I wish was that I had been born a cis man and could just be a feminine man.

Any insight that could be given on my experience would be greatly appreciated. Do you think it would be possible for someone (living in a big city in the Western US) to present femininely but go by he pronouns and be seen as male by most people?

Thank you all, and I look forward to becoming an active member on this forum.

Hi Spock, welcome to Susan's Place!

I don't think it's realistic to expect male pronouns from most people if you're presenting as female. Normally we expect to be gendered based on our physical appearance. People aren't mindreaders, they see what they see. Having said that, you have the right to appear and identify any way you wish. I present as female, but I certainly don't identify as female.

Good luck on your journey, and I'll be seeing you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

Welcome to Susan's Place. Your story sounds very similar to one I often hear from MTFs and has ben told by a few FTMs. It seems that for many when cross sex hormones are administered, it can suppress the dysphoria we experience. We have a fair number of MTFs who aren't transitioning but are taking blockers and estrogen so they are able to cope with life. Unfortunately because of the effectiveness of testosterone, this trick doesn't work well for FTMs.

There is another issue I see with some of the MTFs. They may start HRT and experience the loss of dysphoria. Thinking they are "cured", they stop HRT only to have the dysphoria return. Some have repeated this cycle several times before they realize they need to make a choice between dysphoria or HRT. It's not an easy decision and unfortunately your the only one with the answer.