@Roll
Dear Ellie:
Wow, time flies when you are having fun!!!   8 months of HRT usually, as you reported, provides some significant changes that are quite noticeable and are thrilling to see happening on our bodies.  Over the time that I have been following your thread and your progress I have seen many good changes in your appearance.

All the things that you described are things that most of us longer term transitioners have experienced...... so the good news is that you seem to be "completely normal"   

CONGRATULATIONS on your 8 month HRT anniversary....
As always I will be eagerly awaiting your future updates.

Hugs,
Danielle

Congrats Ellie! Such great progress and you like beautiful [emoji4]

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Great news Ellie! I'm not sure what to think about the whole boob thing either. (It is still not proportional to my upper body). If you go by the calculators, I should be well into a C cup size, but I am wearing an A cup bra? Humm? Go figure. More changes to come girl. We both still have another few years to grow. 

Hugs,
Donica.

I feel physically ill at the moment. I just learned my friend I've spoken of a few times here who had so many losses just over a year ago has now had another one, his father just passed away last night. In 14 months he has lost 3 out of 4 family members, in addition to other horrible things. I am so heartbroken for him, I can't even begin to express it. I'm also terrified that he is going to slip further into his depression which has had me worried on numerous occasions. It also kills me that I can't even be there for him because of geographical limitations as he's up in NY and I'm down in GA.  Not much else to say here...

Quote from: Roll on August 17, 2018, 04:12:49 PM
I feel physically ill at the moment. I just learned my friend I've spoken of a few times here who had so many losses just over a year ago has now had another one, his father just passed away last night. In 14 months he has lost 3 out of 4 family members, in addition to other horrible things. I am so heartbroken for him, I can't even begin to express it. I'm also terrified that he is going to slip further into his depression which has had me worried on numerous occasions. It also kills me that I can't even be there for him because of geographical limitations as he's up in NY and I'm down in GA.  Not much else to say here...

@Roll
Dear Ellie:
What you can do Ellie, is to stay in communiction with him, phone, text, emails, facetime ... all of those things... and make certain that he knows that you keeping him in your thoughts and also offering words of encouragement, sympathy, empathy, etc.....
   
Just him knowing that you are making those efforts will go a long way in helping him through these very difficult times.
Just be a loving and caring friend to him as you already are.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

I'm only bringing this up here, and this is not something I would ever dare mention elsewhere to even remotely seem like I'm making this about myself in the slightest, and here only because I'm struggling with feelings I've never had before and probably are heavily transition related... but... I can't believe how badly it's affecting me. I am in actual physical pain thinking about how much he's in pain, I feel like someone has been punching me in the stomach repeatedly. I didn't know it was possible to feel like I do for someone else's losses. Which isn't to say I've never been sad for people before, or empathetic to their pain, far from it, but this feeling that's like... Honestly, it's weird, on some level it does feel like it was a personal loss? My nephew is here visiting for the day, and all I can think is I don't even want to go out and do a family dinner or anything (and I really feel too sick to eat), I just want to sit here and cry for him.

Oh, Ellie.

You are much too young to learn what "gut wrenching sorrow" means.

I - make that we all - know how much your friend means to you - your grief at his losses speak volumes about the love and care you feel for him. Friends such as these are few and far between. I wish and pray that somehow, someway, someone could lift this burden from you but you will have to dig deeply into your inner strengths to get beyond it.

Listen to Danielle. If you cannot be there in person, use the tools you do have to keep in contact. He will know you are by his side in spirit if not in person. My own experience is that when one's hurting inside, a friend with a kind word can transform and bring hope and light to otherwise utter despair.

Huge Hug (you need it)
Susan

Thank you, Susan.

Sadly, I know this feeling all too well with my mom's passing. What is new to me is feeling it so profoundly for someone else's pain. :/

Right now, he isn't letting me help. I understand that. He's still numb, that much is clear. I know one friend up there was planning to go to his apartment today, but not sure what came of it. I know he's not talking to me about it, and it worries me he might not be talking to anyone about it. I'm leaving him messages every so often, not too many to overwhelm him, just enough so that he remembers people are there. Unfortunately, it being the weekend a lot of people I know up there I usually talk to during the week are a bit incommunicado so I can't get updates from them. It's a complicated situation.

In a bit of overly normal "life is life" sort of typical news that doesn't focus on unbelievable and heartbreaking tragedy, I have encountered someone I truly despise. And the fun part is I get to write a series of research papers with him. He is the most condescending, alpha-male wannabe jerk I've encountered in my college career, and he doesn't even have anything to back it up. He is an absolutely atrocious writer. Everything I say he treats like I'm challenging him (he's not even the project lead!). I'm stuck with male name display in the course since I can't change it in the system until after legal goes through, and I don't know if he things it's some sort of masculine pissing contest or what. Here's the biggest example of this guy's combination of idiocy and jackassery: Right off the bat, when research group formed we setup a google hangouts chat for communication. The woman who set it up (one of my favorite people I've met in these courses and amazingly talented) invited the other two of us, and we kept telling this guy we needed his email address. Meanwhile he's sending out "Give me your email addresses so I can make the chat.". ... That... someone else already made... And we keep telling him, "Everyone is in here but you, just give us your email address". He says he did (he absolutely did not and there is evidence to prove it), and decides to meanwhile make a post in the PUBLIC class forums saying "My group can't seem to get things together and isn't working out, I would like to see about joining someone else's group". If I had seen that before hand I would have said let's just let him go, but instead I finally wrangled his address out of him and added him to the chat. It was unbelievable. And it has only gotten worse. Seriously, I hate this guy so much. If he costs me my grade I'm going to be livid. Fortunately, I have documentation of everything by the nature of the course.


Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Just had to vent there.

So, the more serious topic. My friend is... numb still. It's been days and he still just can't feel anything. I dread what happens when the dam breaks. He made a comment about how others were there worried about him more than they should be, he really has no idea how desperate and despairing he's coming across and that people have good reason to be worried. I know I am. I don't know what comes next for him, I truly don't.

I've also come to grips with the fact I have feelings for him. Can't do anything with that for quite a few reasons and will never be able to, not the least of the reasons being timing of the current situation, but... it adds a horrible personal element having to see someone you have feelings for suffer so profoundly. I just want to be there for a friend, but instead my own idiotic school girl feelings are distracting me from that. I mention this here only for posterity really, for the sake of the complete picture. I am going to do something very unusual for me and request that no one ask the reasons why I think it would never work, in order to try to give me hope. I know a few people would and have, and I love that, I truly do, it's just... I know what I know to be true, and that it is something that can never be. It is what it is, and I'm happy with him just being a friend.

Oh wow you sound like me. Especially with the 2nd guy crush you have. It's like when can you even tell someone? I mean he is a friend and that could potentially make things awkward... Sometimes I really don't know. I think every girl has that happen. The thing is, who makes the first move to le the other person know? It's a mystery to me

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Quote from: Allison S on August 20, 2018, 03:55:49 PM
Oh wow you sound like me. Especially with the 2nd guy crush you have. It's like when can you even tell someone? I mean he is a friend and that could potentially make things awkward... Sometimes I really don't know. I think every girl has that happen. The thing is, who makes the first move to le the other person know? It's a mystery to me

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@Allison S    @Roll
Dear Allison and Ellie:
In days gone by, perhaps before I was dating as a young male, it was always expected to be the guy's move for phone calls, dates, going together, etc... a girl would almost never initiate a phone call and especially a date with a guy.   

Now in this "modern age" that we are in with texting, cell phones, etc... it seems that anything goes...  girls are seemingly more aggressive in all of those areas and more.

As both of you know from reading my thread and various posts around the Forums, I have been dealing with both male and female suitors and I am trying to not play the old male part that I was accustomed to in my past life.... and as you so aptly implied Allison, it is difficult to figure out exactly what to do at times...  a mystery for sure.

Good luck to both of you girls with dealing with this stuff... 
I am stumbling along but I seem to do things right at times.

Hugs to you both,
Danielle

Tonight is a bittersweet night for me. While everything with my friend was going on, I haven't addressed a massive change in my life.

For the past year on Susan's I have spoken time and again of my sister. I have talked about so many things regarding her, because for the past 4 years, after my mother died and I came down here to grieve and recover, she has been the central pillar of my life. She has been my biggest supporter in my transition, and to be frank she might be the only reason my recovery after my mother's death was smooth in the slightest. She gave me something to live for, a silver lining in that I was then getting to watch her grow up in person rather than from afar.

When I came down here she was 14, and had just started High School.

Today, she left to move into her college dorms.

Regardless of whether or not I was going to Atlanta, this was going to be a massive new chapter in my life, and I suddenly find myself apart from my best friend.

I thought I was handling it well, and I am I guess. I am so unbelievably proud of her, honored to be her sister, and so sure of her success as she moves forward in life. She had a rough time in high school, and it was not an environment favorable to her personality, she struggled with making friends despite being outgoing, positive and charismatic (often because she had no interest in drunken parties or serial "dating"). I have faith this will be a different experience for her. Above all else, I am truly excited to be able to see her off as she goes on to so many great things.

Yet here tonight, I sit alone. My dad and step mother went with her to help her move in, and I am alone. I decided to turn on Netflix, taking a break from my own school work which is stressing me out, and I just began sobbing. Many times I would sit right here with her by my side, as we watched TV and movies together. She discovered shows I had loved from years before, and we found new series we both fell madly for.

It's been 6 hours and I already miss her so profoundly.

Quote from: Roll on August 21, 2018, 07:36:36 PM
Tonight is a bittersweet night for me. While everything with my friend was going on, I haven't addressed a massive change in my life.

For the past year on Susan's I have spoken time and again of my sister. I have talked about so many things regarding her, because for the past 4 years, after my mother died and I came down here to grieve and recover, she has been the central pillar of my life. She has been my biggest supporter in my transition, and to be frank she might be the only reason my recovery after my mother's death was smooth in the slightest. She gave me something to live for, a silver lining in that I was then getting to watch her grow up in person rather than from afar.

When I came down here she was 14, and had just started High School.

Today, she left to move into her college dorms.

Regardless of whether or not I was going to Atlanta, this was going to be a massive new chapter in my life, and I suddenly find myself apart from my best friend.

I thought I was handling it well, and I am I guess. I am so unbelievably proud of her, honored to be her sister, and so sure of her success as she moves forward in life. She had a rough time in high school, and it was not an environment favorable to her personality, she struggled with making friends despite being outgoing, positive and charismatic (often because she had no interest in drunken parties or serial "dating"). I have faith this will be a different experience for her. Above all else, I am truly excited to be able to see her off as she goes on to so many great things.

Yet here tonight, I sit alone. My dad and step mother went with her to help her move in, and I am alone. I decided to turn on Netflix, taking a break from my own school work which is stressing me out, and I just began sobbing. Many times I would sit right here with her by my side, as we watched TV and movies together. She discovered shows I had loved from years before, and we found new series we both fell madly for.

It's been 6 hours and I already miss her so profoundly.

Ellie,

I am touched by your recognition, appreciation, thankfulness, and love for your sister.
Remember the good times with her and look forward to more of them.
Cherish these memories. 

I know you will miss her daily presence.  You already miss her. 

Hugs,

Chrissy

Remember that she is always a phone or Skype call away. I understand it's not like being there but you can remain in touch daily if you wish.

Ellie, you are in "empty nest syndrome" which is familiar to many of us who raised children and then watched them leave for new, brave experiences while we remained behind. Be strong and know that she's entering what we hope will be a positive phase of her life. You have been an important part of her upbringing and helped make her who she is. Be proud of your contribution, and know that she is taking a part of you into her new life. You will be strong and get through this!

And it continued into this morning, can't believe how much I'm crying. During my trip to NYC when I as able to be me the entire time, when we went to see Hamilton and I was able to get completely dressed up... it was one of the happiest moments of my life, and one I shared with my sister. We both fell in love with the play of course, and have been singing the songs with each other. Today I put on the soundtrack, and after a second I just bawled. I seriously went through an entire thing of tissues. Then all it took a bit later is I thought about some of the funny pictures and videos of her on my phone, and when one crystallized in my head... out came the tears.

BUT I'M STILL SO HAPPY FOR HER!!!

The cognitive dissonance is killing me.

The truth is as well... in my heart I believe she will be the closest thing I ever have to children. I was old enough when she was born, and while we were definitely siblings first and foremost, many times I've had a more maternal role with her. My dad and step-mom are always working. From cooking dinners, helping her with her homework, and being there whenever she needed to talk, there is definitely an element where I have helped raise her. Even before I came out she would make little half-serious jokes about "you're a better mother than my mom". And I cherished that so much. (As for why I will never have children of my own: well, obviously the whole transition thing regarding biological children foremost. But more than that, by the time I am remotely stable with everything I will be in my 40s. I know I'll need more time beyond that to have the experiences I need to make up for not having previously. Even if I were to find a partner who wanted to children, I probably would be going on 50 by the time I even had a chance of adopting.)

Just remember if you want something enough it will happen

Well. I've had a bit of an education in the last 24 hours.

I made an account on OK Cupid.

To recap previous episodes of "The Roll Show", I have never been in a relationship. I've never even been on a date. I've never even asked anyone out. Honestly, fun semi-flirting with Sarah_P here a bit ( ) is the most I've ever done. So this was huge.

So I made my account, put up my picture, and... well. The likes started piling up instantly. Within 10 minutes I had a few messages. I freaked out and closed my computer like I was trying to keep the girl from the Ring from getting out, then ran downstairs. ... Sorry, that was a weird throwback reference.

I finally went back and started looking at some profiles it brought up as matches. I kept not disliking anyone because I felt like I was hurting their feelings. (Great sign for future relationships.) I eventually worked up the nerve to actually read messages. And there the lesson in life really began. Men are horrible. The first message was from a guy who had a profile picture (A PROFILE PICTURE!) of his hairy body with no face, and a cartoon teddy bear over stuff. His bio amounted to "I date transgender women. Abandon your childhood girl dreams of a white knight sweeping you off your feet, this is 2018. Lower your standards if you want to find someone." ... Yeah, no guilt blocking that guy. With one exception I haven't decided if I'm going to reply to yet (but I haven't blocked him), they were all creepy and weird. One was a cowboy who VERY CLEARLY lied about his age to get into the lower suggested brackets. If this dude was 52, he had a very, very hard life. The clear winner of the creepfest was one guy who didn't even say "Hi". Just send me a message saying "Can you wiggle your hair and ears". I don't know if he was going for cute pickup line or what, but... *shudder* ... and blocked. I got used to blocking pretty quickly apparently. (A non-sarcastic great sign for future relationships!) The one exception that caught my eye mostly was just because he looked like my friends. Not a great standard, but... I dunno, no red flags in profile or anything like that. Still not sure if I'm comfortable enough in myself to match up with cis people, male or female, just yet though... So. He sits there unblocked, but unreplied to.

So yeah. I then changed my settings to "not show straight people". Things became... better. Two more people messaged me, an Ace Trans Girl asking if wanted to be friends and a Trans Guy who's intentions are not clear as of yet. The girl seems really awesome, but the conversation seems to be having a bit of a traction issue as we are obviously both super awkward. I hope to keep it up though and maybe we can both come out of our shells a bit. The guy instantly was more conversational, seems nice too. I'm intrigued, but right now it's all just making connections in a community not setting up dates or anything. I'm not even in Atlanta yet. (I set my location to there in advance.)

Some of the questions on this site by the way... unbelievable. This has actually been the best comedy experience of my life, I am going to put like 30 screenshots up on twitter at some point.

Ellie,


Be careful, watch out for those weirdos, and take it slow and careful.

Then there are the "catfishers" who pretend to be something that they are not.

Maybe you will find someone really nice in the not-too-distant future... I hope so!


Chrissy

Oh absolutely, I'm even listed on the site as "less trusting" than average. I'm having fun so far though, which is a huge change for me. Still nothing romantic-ish by any means, but also talking to another trans girl who also seems pretty awesome. I feel like I'm finally getting some of the experiences I never had when I was a kid, awkward conversations maybe, maybe, maybe, MAYBE leading into someone nervously asking someone out.