Hi all - I am mom to DD, who is 18 and mtf. She's been on hrt for about a year and unfortunately has not seen an improvement in her depression. We had hoped that by working to have her outside affirm her inside, that she may become hopeful for a future. Unfortunately, the depression and anxiety is just as bad and the loneliness is worse. I am just about her only irl person. She pretty much won't leave the house. She feels that there is no way for her to connect with others and make friends.

Where did you all connect with others in your early transitioning years? As of right now, she won't go to any of the LGBTQ groups or centers. She's a musician and needs to be playing and only wants to befriend musicians, but doesn't know how.

Thanks for your input.

She's got some great tunes she's ready to take into the studio, but needs musicians.

My social life was always built around my hobbies.

By way of hobbies, I grow bonsai trees, customize cars, and play golf.  Other than my wife's and my mutual long term friends, most of our social life is through our bonsai club, and the local club network.  If I wanted to put the time in, I could join a car club or go join the women's club at my local golf course, but the world of bonsai has a pretty grueling show schedule — and that lets us meet and talk to a lot of people every year.

My point is, if your daughter loves music, she needs to go out and watch a few local bands, join web forums for enthusiasts who use her preferred instrumentation, join MySpace, etc.  If you want to make friends, you have to get out and talk to people who have similar interests.

Hugs, Carly

Hi Kailuamom,
She could start by bouncing topics or ideas, or thoughts and feelings on the Susan's forums. There are plenty of people who will listen and offer their life experiences or things that allowed them to move forward. Even just having a vent can help.
You may find a kindred spirit lives nearby.
Opportunity for friendship is definately here on the boards.
Wishing both of you the best,
Kirsten [emoji4]

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

The worst thing for anybody is to remain locked up in their room because it doesn't accomplish anything. The best thing for depression is to make progress with a problem. If your child wants to meet other people, possibly some of the younger members on this site would be willing to do video. It's a great way to meet others when distance is a problem. She only need to make a post in Youth Talk and see if anyone wants to share.

Closer to home, possibly the local music store or school band would be a way to meet others interested in music. Unfortunately our small percentage of the population would make it difficult to meet other LGBT members who are interested in music unless you go to a group or center.

Your primary goal should be to get her out of the house and into the public. If your not sure how to do it, a discussion with her therapist would probably help you formulate an approach.

As a parent, there is only so much you can do to solve this problem. The rest of the effort will have to come from your child. You need to ask your child how she expects something to happen unless she makes the first step.

Look for local support groups, there are some great resources in the forums. I find the chat here a good safe place to talk and ask questions. Maybe her therapist might  have some local resources.
I wish her the best.
Toni

Depression is mental disease, it not just bad mood, especially when it cames to suicidal thoughts, and there's specialist who trained to deal with it. Therapist is your best option in my opinion. Otherwise, I have no real advices, I dealing with that stuff with negative emotions, and that isn't way anybody can walk.

What's making her depressed? Is it her transition, not having friends, both?
Yes I agree she should she a therapist if she doesn't already.
I can relate to your daughter even though I'm older I'm almost a year on hrt... I know that your daughter wants to meet other musicians so maybe she can? I'm sure they're everywhere even lgbt center.
If she has a friend or someone she likes maybe have them come over and visit? With her permission of course. And then all 3 of you could go somewhere together.

I just moved back in with my mom. I've been going through the most awkward phases going between lookong andro and just looking very funny... But I do things with her too and even though we don't see eye to eye, she has my safety as a priority...
My point is that you're helping your daughter more than you'll ever know...
Hope she finds what she needs and good luck to her.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Hi Kailuamom,

It's wonderful that you're reaching out and trying to help your daughter through this - having that kind of support can mean a lot!

I've spent quite a few years struggling with anxiety, depression, and suicidal fantasies myself, and I've only recently started making real progress; I know everyone has their own struggles and their own way of dealing with things, but I definitely know what it's like to feel hopeless and alone, and hopefully some of the things I learned in my own life are helpful to you and your daughter.

In my case, one of the worst parts of depression and anxiety were the way they made it harder to move forward or get treatment, so I just ended up 'stuck' for a very long time.  When I was feeling especially depressed or anxious, I just wanted to avoid the world and stay in bed, or drown myself in work or solo hobbies so I didn't have to be alone with my thoughts or risk being hurt by other people.

As others have suggested, the first thing I'd recommend is to find a therapist your daughter feels comfortable with - if she doesn't start feeling comfortable with one after 5-6 sessions, try another.  Having the support of someone with experience in treating anxiety and depression is valuable, and a therapist can provide more ideas and referrals to others if needed.

I found that any kind of positive (or at least ok) experience out in the world, and that was different from my usual daily life, was helpful for me.  It could be very simple things like going to a new restaurant, or a mall, or a park, or just driving through a different part of town - anything where I saw at least a bit of the outside world and that didn't go too badly was helpful, and I usually felt a little better after a few hours despite not wanting to do it initially.  Since your daughter is interested in music, you could try a new music store, or going to some kind of performance or concert.

I found self care can be helpful too - especially diet, exercise, skin care, and a little fresh air and sunshine.  It can be hard to do yourself while depressed, so any encouragement or low-pressure assistance you can give your daughter in those areas might be helpful.

Recognizing and celebrating the small victories was helpful for me as well.  Anxiety and depression have a way of making even the simplest things, like cooking a meal or running a few errands, seem so much harder.  I also struggled a lot with self esteem, so I just spent a lot of time feeling like a failure over the 'easy' things I wasn't accomplishing, but anxiety and depression are medical issues, not personal failings, and they really do make things harder.  Acknowledging that, and recognizing even the seemingly small accomplishments can help build some confidence and make it easier to keep going.

I also haven't gone to any local LGBT+ support groups yet despite having a few around.  In my case, I'm busy with everything else in my life as it is, but going to a local support group also has a way of making an already difficult part of my life (being trans) feel even more real and immediate, so I know that it's something I have to work up to and feel ready for before I can find the motivation to do it.  Online support is easier to deal with for me as it's more anonymous, at my own pace, and doesn't require me to leave home and go somewhere unfamiliar.  Maybe your daughter could find some support here on Susan's until she feels ready to meet others in person.

Making friends is something I've struggled with for a long time as well, and I've not made as much progress on that as some other things.  I started out trying to focus on making friends before dealing with anything else (long before I was willing to admit to myself that I'm trans), but it's much, much harder to make good friends while you're struggling with depression, or being closeted and hiding a big part of yourself and worrying how others will react when they find out.  Your daughter may find that making progress in other ways makes it easier to make friends, or if she's already much happier when focused on music, then trying to make friends in that setting may be easier as well.

Sorry if I've rambled on about all this, but hopefully others can benefit from some of the things I learned the hard way.

I hope that things get better for you and your daughter and that she's able to find happiness in her life.
-Megan

Are there any open-mike jam sessions that your daughter could go to and/or participate in?  That would be a good way to meet other musicians.

Do you think she'd enjoy doing theatre?  I ask because I had been amazed at how accepting the theatrical community here has been for me.  I have a whole new family in that group.  I think that theatre people in general tend to be LGBT-friendly.

Hi, I do not know where you live. If in the USA and in a large city there may be a children's hospital that has a gender clinic. Perhaps they can get her into their care. In Philadelphia there is a youth trans facility and activities to support them.

I use to go to group and in group there are all different trans. I have see some of the more difficult sides of being trans there. I have lost friends, a lot of friends, HIV, drugs and alcohol, overdoses and suicide.

I suffered from severe depression for a very long time. I had severe suicidal ideation and suicide attempts. When I got help I eventually receive medication for my depression. After almost 6 years of therapy, medication and full transition my depression lessoned. I no longer take medication and although I still have depression it is much more manageable. I have not tried to kill myself in almost 2 years.

Reaching for help is the first thing she needs to do. It is scary and extremely difficult. She may benefit from a goal plan from her therapist. Small goals at first. She may benefit from mindfulness training.

She needs to work on her depression and ideation and get help. Transition is difficult and the benefits takes time. For me addressing who I am, my depression and suicidal ideation have been the most satisfying part of my transition. Yes, being comfortable in my skin is fantastic but addressing the pain of depression has been fantastic.

One thing that can help are positive affirmations in the mirror each morning and night. Another is accepting positive feedback and letting it in and believing the positive messaging. Replace the negative messaging with positive messaging.

I read several books about PTSD and did some therapy for it. I will be pursuing additional help for that. If she was abused and needs help for that then she needs people specially trained on the different techniques.

I wish you the best with your daughter,
Rachel

As someone who has depression I can tell you than during the depth of a depressive episode the tendency is to want to do nothing.   What I can tell you is than when one is in that place it helps to set a small goal.   Large goals like getting back on an even keel are just too overwhelming to contemplate.    So I set a goal to do just one thing.   Just one.  Anybody can do that.  Every day.  Maybe it's just a walk around the block.  After awhile it becomes 2 things.  Then a few more.  Till finally one emerges from the darkness and with the help of therapy, support and perhaps medication back into the normal swing of things.  But it has to start. Somewhere. One thing. Every day.

Depression can be a tricky thing to deal with, I'm a bit older but I deal with very similar issues - Glad that you are making the effort to help your daughter

There are quite a few musicians here at Susan's, sounds a good place to start meeting people

I'm in my 50's but I do play a bit

Hugs

I agree with what has been said. 

For me, my work and kids have got me out of the house in the very low points.  Thank goodness.   Being trapped alone and at home is not good.  Our mind gets us into trouble.   Following her passion with likeminded people is so important. 

I also was diagnosed with very high anxiety and depression and made the decision to start taking anti depressants.   They have made a big difference for me.  I would like to stop, but don't want to go back to that dark and overwhelming place.

All the best!   Lots of caring and supportive people here.

Hugs

Karen