I found Susan's while searching for transgender support groups. I was looking for answers and explanations for how I have always felt inside.

Like several others, whose posts I have read, I was raised in a very religious home. I have the best parents in the world. They could not be more supportive. I have not come out to them though because of my moms reaction to other transgender people who have come out.

I'm 45 years old. I was born with male anatomy. However, I remember playing dress up when I was 3 and putting on one of my mom's night gowns. My next memories are around the age of 10. I started wearing her clothes whenever I was left home alone. It was in the early 80s and she had several business skirt suits that I loved. I especially loved wearing her 80s aerobics attire. A leapard print leotard and some thick shiny tights. I felt so pretty when I dressed up.

It wasn't until I hit puberty and a friend told me about masturbation that these episodes took on a sexual nature. From the age of 11 or 12 self pleasure started accompanying my dressing episodes. This continued into my teens and mid twenties.

Throughout my life I would purge my clothing collections. As I got older and had money I had started buying my own things. Where as in my teens I would steal panties from just about every girl or woman I knew! This behavior conflicted with what I was taught in church. It often led me to feel embarrassed, ashamed and guilty.

My mom caught me with her things several times growing up. It was quite embarrassing. Once she sent my dad in and he asked if I was gay. I wasn't. I just wanted to dress up and feel pretty. I simply told him no. He left it at that and it never came up again.

Now, I'm 45 and for the past several years the desire to change my body and make myself more feminine has intensified. In April I went to see a therapist who specializes in Gender identity disorders. I told her my life story and after about 30 minutes she offered to send me to refer me to a doctor for hormones.

I was thrilled. I accepted and went to see the doctor and she indeed started me on a low hormone regimen. I was giddy for the first week. I still am pretty stoked about it, 4 months later. At the three month mark she increased my dosages slightly. I had gotten a taste and wanted more.

I have opened up to a small group of trusted friends and all of them have been supportive. I still dread talking to my parents. Their opinion means a lot to me.

I struggle with things that run through my mind now. How much difference will HRT make at my age? What about my hair? (I'm balding) What about work? What about all the expensive surgeries I will require? FFS? Electrolysis? Laser? Orchi or SRS? All of these things try to enter my mind and turn me away. But... I can't live life like I have for the last 40 years. I can't keep this thing bottled up inside me driving me into deep dark depression that has been with me since my early teens. I can't let the "it's better if you just die" thoughts take hold my brain. I just cant.

I want to live. I want to let Melinda live. I want her to be free and experience life like I never have.

Thanks to some posts by Annah I was able to resolve my religious conflicts. So, thank you Annah!

Anyway, that's my intro. I look forward to making some new friends on this board and getting advice and opinions when I need it from those who have bravely walked this path.

Melinda

P.S. - The photo was modified using Youmakeup . I will look that good one of these days!

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Hey Melinda! Welcome to our family!
It looks like you have few supportive friends and it's really great. Don't know what to say about parents - though I've come out to them yestarday and today, we never was religious, they just finally accepted me as adult one who can decide what to do. But it seems you already found people who've met same problems and start getting help you need

As far as I know hrt makes hair grow again. Operations aren't neccessary if you don't want it. Many people consider it enough to just pass through hrt without cutting themselves. It's up to you to decide how you wanna change. And some people also don't use electrosys or laser for facial hair, they just shave it time to time, though many trying to get rid of it. There are so many ways you can choose, don't be afraid

@Melinda@heart
Melinda   
I am so glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and detailed introduction posting with other members here on the Forums. 

I am thinking that you may lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
 
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.

Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....

***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 
I have included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hi Melinda 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Thank you all for the warm welcome! I don't find myself with much time to post but I lurk the boards and read posts by others throughout the day as time permits. I have read plenty of insightful, encouraging and uplifting posts. On the flip side, I have read some depressing, discouraging posts concerning the struggles we face with HRT, coming out, and many other things that have been on my mind. However, I choose to remain hopeful. I choose to remain positive. I choose to accept who I am. I choose to believe God loves me and created me this way.  Paul said he firmly believes NOTHING can separate us from God's love. I choose to accept that.

Thank you all the Christian's who write posts encouraging others in this walk we have chosen to undertake. So many Christian's lack the understanding of what it means to love like Christ. All they do is judge and condemn and reject. It brings me great joy that so many trans women get it!

I look forward to getting to know you all. As slow as that process may be!

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