My feelings on the matter are aptly described by the following music. Please don't be rude and give it a listen, it is supposed to serve as background music while reading.
youtube.com/watch?v=EM3Re3zWuzw

So, the local drugstore is supposed to have my hormones, but they never came in. I do not actually care. I am told, I can register in a CryoGenics to spread my hate-seed with the world.

If I had to identify as any gender, it would be Mafia. Most of the time I am spent brooding, feeling angry and miserable. I resent this world. I will get to the flaws of this world in another thread. But more about me. I turn on the TV show Blacklist, I say yes that's me. Endless bottled emotions, bitter, and efficient. Superior to those around me.

It is not that I enjoy being a man. It is that I see there is no alternative. If the rest of my days are spent in a vacant stare while posting on the internet, so be it. There is not much hope for this world anyways, it is a dystopia which is doomed by the powers that be, a martian rock in space, filled with contaminants and life destroying toxins.


For instance, I have just been rejected by a woman today. During my highschool years, I was always shy and nerdy and baffled at how to approach women. Since then, women have always treated me cruelly and unfairly, and I have no received a drop of love in all of my days. Instead, the love is always shared toward "alpha males", masculine men who I can never truly emulate. And of course, lesbians don't accept me either. Blue pill ideology, recommending I stay cheerful and positive, is simply lost on me, and I have little interest in the mundane cheerisms of the bovines around me.

This creates a paradox: Resentment and contempt towards females, while simultaneous admiration of them and wanting to be them. This paradox is only adequately resolved by compartmentalization. And yet, I find no true companionship with those with Dissociative Identity: I have no blackouts, no forgotten memories, all of my personifications are fully coherent. Rather than waste energy on trying to resolve the paradox, reconciliation is found in me through nihilistic fantasies of brimstone and punishment, fire and asteroids of great cataclysms.

There are a whole hose of dissociative disorders besides DID. Therapy would be a good first step to learning more about yourself and the cause of your suffering.

@Angelic Lookup borderline personality disorder

Quote from: gingerViktorKay on August 23, 2018, 09:07:37 PM
@Angelic Lookup borderline personality disorder

Yep I definitely have that. Read an article about it, written by a afab (cis female.) She says the thought of being hosed in relationships makes her angry. (hosed meaning treated unfairly, it does not refer to a generative, or sexual term, rather it means the opposite: a vacuum, separation, a distance-making, in this case.)

And I realized, yes my BPD is very similar, if not exactly the same, to the female symptoms of BPD, as what grinds my gears the most, is the idea that I cannot ever be given love.

Quote from: Virginia on August 23, 2018, 09:01:50 PM
There are a whole hose of dissociative disorders besides DID. Therapy would be a good first step to learning more about yourself and the cause of your suffering.

My therapist tells me to talk about my feelings, so that I do not punch walls. I would very much like to pick street fights, but he says that is a bad idea. He keeps me bottling up my feelings, he keeps me out of prison. But he does not give me any real sense of happiness. Still, the road of Eleanor Rigby is superior to the road to Alcatraz. Purgatory is preferable to outright hellfire.

Hey.
Your story sounds familiar to me but don't know if my experience will be helpful for you or even interesting. All text below is what I personnaly think, it may not fit you anyway, but even in that case maybe it'll give you some ideas of how to deal with all of this. And sorry if I misunderstand you somewhere.

Though I don't have problems with such disorders, I used to bottle up my feelings and explode it in unpredictable destructive way. I could break something or yell or hit somebody or leave home or etc. Never had therapy and never trained to manage it, just walking where my anger lead me and almost ruin my life. I felt this world rotten and hated humanity and myself as part of it. Sometimes I wonder if it'll be better if I was never born. But then I decide to check how long I can survive this world without killing myself and soon my hatred faded in face of trying to establish my life against all odds. I started use my anger to do what had to be done, to boost my resolve and burn things that hindering me. Sometimes I put myself in bad situations just to enrage myself and solve the problem. I focused on myself instead humanity and world, it isn't my problems anymore.

What I want to say... Focus on yourself. Try to use your negative in constructive way instead of destructive. If you wanna express your rage with hitting something hit punching bag instead of real person - it also will keep you in good physical shape. Instead of brooding on flaws of this world you cannot change enrage yourself to think how to improve your position here and do what have to be done to achieve it. And if you can find more effective strategy of anger management - use it.

Sorry I can't give you any advices on relationships. I'm lone wolf. Was rejected few times, never was interested in such stuff anyway.

Hopefully you'll figure things out and find your way to be happy.

Quote from: Alice V on August 24, 2018, 05:13:33 AM
Though I don't have problems with such disorders, I used to bottle up my feelings and explode it in unpredictable destructive way. I could break something or yell or hit somebody or leave home or etc. Never had therapy and never trained to manage it, just walking where my anger lead me and almost ruin my life. I felt this world rotten and hated humanity and myself as part of it. Sometimes I wonder if it'll be better if I was never born. But then I decide to check how long I can survive this world without killing myself and soon my hatred faded in face of trying to establish my life against all odds. I started use my anger to do what had to be done, to boost my resolve and burn things that hindering me. Sometimes I put myself in bad situations just to enrage myself and solve the problem. I focused on myself instead humanity and world, it isn't my problems anymore.

This sounds a lot like me. But the one thing I don't understand. I don't get how to channel anger into productive means. I can't work while I'm angry. I have to convert the anger into something else, like sadness, before I can function.