Hi there,

I'm still new to the community (my only other post had been in the introducions section) and to dealing with / recognizing my gender dysphoria.

I've only been trying to sort this out for a few months, after recognizing my feelings as gender dysphoria, and remain as confused as ever. A few weeks ago I felt very strongly female (I was assigned male at birth) and was feeling so sure that transition was something I wanted to work toward. Now, the dysphoric feelings don't seem nearly strong or consistent enough to warrant all of the trouble. It scares me how much these feelings can wax and wane. I worry about working toward transition, as if this is just some phase that will pass. I feel like a fraud sometimes, like maybe this isn't about who I "really am" and more about something I want or need to be.

Have any of you had waxing and waning dysphoria like this?

Have any of you decided to not transition because of it? How they deal with the dysphoric bouts when they resurface?

Maybe I'm just scared, and in doubt about my ability to transition.

Maybe my feelings are better described by "non-binary" than "trans"? For some reason trans feels more right to me. I kind of feel like I swing between no gender and female, rarely, if ever, feeling male.

I'm feeling rather scattered at the moment, and frustrated by all this confusion. I've been seeing a therapist, which has helped a lot but I think engaging with the community here might give me some more clarity. Would love to hear from any of you who have been through similar circumstances!

-Chloe

Hi Just Chloe,
Waxing and waning dysphoria really is a common phenomenon. It can be interesting to keep a journal and watch the regular cycle unfold. For me if my gender misalignment is not pushing and I feel just "normal" then I know another bout of gender angst is just about to begin.
Another ironic situation is starting HRT and finding the dysphoria vanish - then you stop HRT and find you are not cured and the dysphoria starts again.
You don't have to jump into transition boots and all - although you may want to in the end. It's possible to express your femininity in dress and behaviour & maybe HRT to let the pressure off as required. Having fun with your girl self offsets the issues.
I don't think the waxing and waning ever stops unless you complete a transition.
Interesting thread you started Chloe.
Kind regards, Kirsten.

P.S. I haven't completed a transition (yet).

@justChloe I'm in the same boat, born male and some weeks like this week I feel it really bad like things should have been different and it's all I can think about. Then other weeks (or months) I feel like there are just bigger fish to fry in life.

One thing I like to keep in mind is that life is more than being trans (or not trans), just as cis people don't go around thinking about their gender every day, neither do trans people really. There will always be days where work pressure, relationships, life  building, hobbies, etc will take precedence. And other days they wont. You don't think deeply about what career you're in every single day, it comes and goes, but you are never the less in that career (or insert other equivalent thing for yourself, you get the idea). This is partly because we humans have limited emotional energy, and a lot of things to spend that energy on in order to live our lives. Some people rotate things on a daily basis, some monthly, etc.

My point is, this is very very normal for almost anything that is important in your life, you won't think about it obsessively all of the time, duration and frequency may vary with different things and different people, but that thing is no less important for it, like wanting to own a house, or be in a band. Being trans / dysphoric is no different, it's still real even when you aren't feeling at this very moment.

Hope that helped!

Very normal I think that happens to everyone and it doesn't mean transitioning is wrong for you. You don't have to be 100% certain if becoming female makes you happy go for it. The nice part is you can start HRT and see if it helps your dysphoria and stop if it doesn't. The effects are mostly reversible for the first 0-3 months. My opinion is YOLO. I don't know anyone who goes into therapy with gender dysphoria and self identifies as trans like you are that ended up changing their mind and deciding they weren't actually transgender.


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It has always been that way with me.  I think of it like the tides.  Sometimes it's high tide.  Sometimes it's low tide. But for me, at age 65, I can pretty safely state it's never going away.  I don't know that that mandates transition.  You might be able to live in a non-binary way or something like that that falls short of transition.  But it's doubtful that you (or I) will ever be a standard-issue, conventional guy.

Welcome, Chloe.

I think just about everyone feels this. 

One of the sure-fire things that will make dysphoria wane for a while is doing something, anything, about it.  So even thinking, "What if I were to transition?" might be enough to make it go away for a while.  Or like Kirsten said above, people will start HRT, the dysphoria vanishes, then they stop and it comes back.

The thing about dysphoria is that it always comes back. Typically, it gets worse the longer you leave it.

Not everyone needs to transition.  Some people are able to manage their dysphoria without transitioning.

This is where talking to a gender therapist is helpful: it helps you to figure out what your own needs are.

So, so common Chloe. For me the dysphoria starts with nervous butterflies int he stomach, then grows and grows and I get this feeling like "I can't be in this body".

Sometimes I have to go into a toilet cubicle and collect myself.

Distractions help me cope. I'll think a lot about a task I have to do..or go down an internet rabbit hole researching a subject or story. Or I'll set myself a goal, like a savings task.

When it is bad, even looking at another woman is hard. Looking in a mirror is worse.

Then it can go again..and you doubt yourself

Hey. I have a lot of doubts. Sometimes I don't feel dysphoria at all, but usually it means my thoughts busy with something else. But when I feel doubts I remind myself about all of my life - though there wasn't much place for pondering on gender issues dysphoria always was there. Sometimes I can focus on something else, but when I can't it comes and embrace me like old friend. So I just stop and think - it is the problem and should be solved. I will never let my doubts to stop me now. Even though I don't match stereotypes I know who I am and sooner or later I will take what is mine or die trying.

But that's my own experience. It may not fit you. Only you can decide who you are. Do this and you'll be able to deal with your doubts and decide what you need

The inner dialogue can drive you mad. It makes you live in your head.
The angel and devil on each shoulder.
'You are a woman..'
'Your life will be ruined..'
Etc...

Hi Chloe, I could have written what you've written.

Every one of your thoughts has gone through my head. I constantly think what if, what if, what if? Are you an overthinker at all? I can relate to transgender thoughts. I am a male at birth, but I often wish I could have been born female. I wish I could transition with no issues. Then I think Im an idiot.

I too question whether this points to something else lacking in life. Perhaps I could still be a man, but express myself in less masculine clothing, embrace the inner femininity while embracing my body. It's all social at the end of the day.

Im not scared of being transgender, or of not being transgender. What I am scared about is that Im conditioning myself into accepting something that really isn't there. I have a need to be genuine. The times I've put on female clothing, feels great, but looks horrible, and I feel really self concious. Keep trying is the response, like learning an instrument. Am I not just conditioning myself by doing this? Am I forcing myself to accept being transgender?

I must admit, I don't have the answer to that one.

But in truth, you don't know what you'll like until you try.

Lucy

It waxes and wanes for me, too. It feels worrying, but seems to be pretty common.

I think it can wane after seriously considering transition for a long time, which can lead to deciding that it isn't necessary, which can in turn turn lead to it waxing after you've decided not to do it. It makes sense; taking steps to relieve dysphoria results in less dysphoria, which makes it seem like less of an issue, so then once you stop taking those steps more dysphoria comes back. My dysphoria was the worst when I had untreated anxiety and was convinced I couldn't transition, then it receded once I started taking anti-anxiety medication, then it came back moderately once I'd been in a mentally stable position for awhile, so I decided to transition. It hasn't been debilitatingly terrible since then, but it likely would be if I was dead-set on not transitioning like I was before.

I lived on that yo-yo for years and only recently started HRT confident that it was my best solution. I think it's almost like being an alcoholic in a way in that you actively have to say "No, not today." to those feelings on the regular. It's not a passive thing though certainly it's possible to get distracted but other things and obligations. For me the feelings never went away for long and only intensified the more I denied or ignored them. Dress up days, group meetings, little secret makeup applications helped me feel I was doing something about my emotions without a full transition commitment. You might try the same? I wouldn't rule out anything including non-binary until you've had time to fully explore your feelings with a group or ideally a licensed professional. 

Quote from: LucyEgo on August 22, 2018, 08:10:39 AM
Hi Chloe, I could have written what you've written.

Every one of your thoughts has gone through my head. I constantly think what if, what if, what if? Are you an overthinker at all? I can relate to transgender thoughts. I am a male at birth, but I often wish I could have been born female. I wish I could transition with no issues. Then I think Im an idiot.

I too question whether this points to something else lacking in life. Perhaps I could still be a man, but express myself in less masculine clothing, embrace the inner femininity while embracing my body. It's all social at the end of the day.

Im not scared of being transgender, or of not being transgender. What I am scared about is that Im conditioning myself into accepting something that really isn't there. I have a need to be genuine. The times I've put on female clothing, feels great, but looks horrible, and I feel really self conscious. Keep trying is the response, like learning an instrument. Am I not just conditioning myself by doing this? Am I forcing myself to accept being transgender?

I must admit, I don't have the answer to that one.

But in truth, you don't know what you'll like until you try.

Lucy

amen

I get the waxing and waning dysphoria too.  It's just so tricky to know for sure what the right thing to do is when sometimes I feel okay and don't even really think about it, then at other times it's really painful and disturbing and totally crushes my spirit.  I have similar doubts to @LucyEgo too, wanting to be genuine but not even sure myself what that means.  It's just such a personal thing too.  Something that worked well for one person may or may not be the right thing for someone else.

Quote from: Sarah77 on August 22, 2018, 09:44:30 AM
amen

Could you expand on that Sarah?

When I read back my message, it sounds quite negative.

I think I just wanted to get across that none of this shouldn't be forced. I don't think I should be coerced, cajoled, manipulated, guided into being transgender. I want to be transgender because I am. I am sure that this is something a lot of people struggle with and discerning fact from fiction or reality from fantasy.

Lucy

Quote from: LucyEgo on August 22, 2018, 10:33:07 AM
Could you expand on that Sarah?

When I read back my message, it sounds quite negative.

I think I just wanted to get across that none of this shouldn't be forced. I don't think I should be coerced, cajoled, manipulated, guided into being transgender. I want to be transgender because I am. I am sure that this is something a lot of people struggle with and discerning fact from fiction or reality from fantasy.

Lucy

merely agreeing that is the demons that speak inside my head..constant self doubt

You are not alone.    This waxing / waning, doubts, etc...is real.   For me it gets fuelled by time in my head, reading I do, women I see and relate to, family, etc..

All contribute to highs and lows, and wonder.    The think for me is, now matter how many little steps I take, or how good I feel in certain periods, the dysphoria and longing comes back.   As time goes on, I am better and understanding the triggers and patterns.   Today at lunch, there was another woman that caught my eye...not in an attraction way but in a longing to wish I could be like her...her hair, her nails, her laugh, and dress.  Boom the longing and dysphoria is back, but I now know what it is and I can better deal with it.

You are not a lone.

Karen

Quote from: Karen on August 22, 2018, 01:06:25 PM
You are not alone.    This waxing / waning, doubts, etc...is real.   For me it gets fuelled by time in my head, reading I do, women I see and relate to, family, etc..

All contribute to highs and lows, and wonder.    The think for me is, now matter how many little steps I take, or how good I feel in certain periods, the dysphoria and longing comes back.   As time goes on, I am better and understanding the triggers and patterns.   Today at lunch, there was another woman that caught my eye...not in an attraction way but in a longing to wish I could be like her...her hair, her nails, her laugh, and dress.  Boom the longing and dysphoria is back, but I now know what it is and I can better deal with it.

You are not a lone.

Karen

I feel the same as Karen above.
Sonja.

Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses, this has made me feel loads better, or at least like I'm not alone / going a tad insane .

Oddly, I hadn't really consider that the small things I've been doing to alleviate dysphoria might explain some or much of the waning periods, and how environmental cues (longing to be that woman over there, etc) might be triggering the more intense dysphoric feelings.

@Kristeneklund7 and @Nikkimn, very good advice regarding HRT. I've been wondering if that's worth experimenting with over a short period to see if it helps. I had worried about the reversibility of the effects in the first month(s) as well, it's very helpful to know this might be an option.

@Sam1066 spot on! This is most certainly helpful, reframing dysphoria as simply one  (albeit a big one) of the many factors important to us and clamoring for our attention day-to-day makes good sense to me.

@LucyEgo Yep, I am very much the overthinking type! It helps to hear from someone having the same struggles / questions. I have the same problems around being genuine, and feeling self conscious presenting female. It's definitely a journey and I think you make a good point that the only way to know is by trying. I'm slowly learning to live with the fear and tension of it all.

I came here to find gain more clarity, and in the hope that I'd find shared experiences. It means a lot to me to hear your stories, so thank you for sharing!

Quote from: justChloe on August 22, 2018, 07:54:56 PM
Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses, this has made me feel loads better, or at least like I'm not alone / going a tad insane .

Oddly, I hadn't really consider that the small things I've been doing to alleviate dysphoria might explain some or much of the waning periods, and how environmental cues (longing to be that woman over there, etc) might be triggering the more intense dysphoric feelings.

@Kristeneklund7 and @Nikkimn, very good advice regarding HRT. I've been wondering if that's worth experimenting with over a short period to see if it helps. I had worried about the reversibility of the effects in the first month(s) as well, it's very helpful to know this might be an option.

@Sam1066 spot on! This is most certainly helpful, reframing dysphoria as simply one  (albeit a big one) of the many factors important to us and clamoring for our attention day-to-day makes good sense to me.

@LucyEgo Yep, I am very much the overthinking type! It helps to hear from someone having the same struggles / questions. I have the same problems around being genuine, and feeling self conscious presenting female. It's definitely a journey and I think you make a good point that the only way to know is by trying. I'm slowly learning to live with the fear and tension of it all.

I came here to find gain more clarity, and in the hope that I'd find shared experiences. It means a lot to me to hear your stories, so thank you for sharing!

This is an awesome thread.   I hope we can keep sharing and keep it going.  This is great emotional support.   I too over analyze and think things, and then I worry that I am just creating the reality because you become what you think.     It is definitely a waxing and waning process, which really makes me doubt myself or think that I should be able to live with this.   

Had a really exciting and sad period yesterday within a very short period of time.  Got my blood tests and was told "my testosterone levels are in the female range at .7"...I felt so excited and validates.   Then my excitement shifted to tears...over the impact this has on my relationship with my amazing wife...why should she have to give up her husband...why should my kids have to go through this....a simple acknowledgement that if life was over now it would make things much easier.   How hard can it be to just be me...

So for me it waxes and wanes, and roles over the mountains of highs and lows.   It is so good to have others to relate to and to be on this journey with.   

Karen