Hi all, first off, thank you to all who have made this site the amazing wealth of knowledge and support that it is; owner, admins/mods, and members alike.
That being said: Mods, if anything in my intro below needs to be edited out, feel free to PM me and I will promptly comply.
About me:
I'm a 34 y.o. biological male. Happily married to my high-school sweetheart. We have 4 kids from 7 months to 11 years old. I have always been a bit...
different I suppose, and have engaged in various "kink" since as early as 5 years old. As I experiment more with my gender, and look at my past, I have noticed a pattern that leads me to believe I may be transgender, or at the very least, gender dysphoric. My behaviors and likes generally center around genital abuse and minimization that, as the forum tagline says, balances on the sharp edge of a knife between innocent kink and self harm. Now before the mods freak out, I DO NOT condone DIY approaches to anything physiological (be it hormones or body modification).
One curious item of note is that, while I have always been openly bisexual, I have never (to my knowledge) outwardly expressed a desire to be female. Despite this, my previous girlfriend in high school once bought me a pair of panties to wear. To this day I don't know why or what compelled her to do so, and our relationship is such that asking would be an awkward enough conversation that I avoid it. Fast forward 5 or so years and one relationship and baby later, about 10 years ago my wife and I began dabbling in enforced chastity and a female led relationship. It felt so... right to be without access to the body part that I have always had somewhat of a disdain for, and in the periods where my boy bits are not locked up, I always feel a mild depression and yearning to return to the cage which leaves me without the use and function of it. For a long time I thought it was the power play that caused me to be drawn to it, but I'm beginning to believe more and more that it's the virtual "loss" of my boy bits that makes it such a satisfying experience.
Fast forward to about 6 months ago, there is one pair of my wife's panties that I really like and began wearing on a fairly regular basis. She noticed that it kept showing up in the wash despite her having not worn them and she confronted me about it. She frequently wears my boxers, shirts, sandals, socks, jackets, etc... so I downplayed it as being me just acting in kind. At the time, I didn't really understand WHY I liked wearing them, but I send her an email that said something along the lines of me liking the way the felt and how they make me feel. In her reply she said that she thought this was more than me proving a point but hoped she was wrong, and followed with"
QuoteI don't really understand why you'd want to wear girls underwear or underwear that looks feminine. That sounds like the beginning of becoming a cross dresser... Next I'll find you wearing my bras...
Seeing a guy wearing feminine looking underwear is a turn off for me. I am attracted to guys because they are guys. Lace and thongs and frills totally kill the mood for me.
You said you like it because of the way it made you feel... Like a woman? Like a cross dresser? I'm just not understanding this...
Since I myself didn't understand it, I denied the desire to wear bras and cross dressing, because, at the time, I thought that was just silly, but it planted a seed that I just couldn't shake and made me start examining myself, my feelings, and my behaviors...
As I've continued to question myself and experiment since that point, I have started shaving my legs and enjoy that greatly, and the feminine feeling it gives me.
Two weeks ago, my wife was working on the weekend, and I offered to paint my daughter's toenails, and to my surprise, my wife suggested that my daughter paint mine. I let my daughter pick the color (flamingo pink) and she proceeded to do the best a 4 year old can do at painting toenails. When she was done, I tidied up the polish and did a proper job. I LOVED them. Looking at them gave me a deep sense of joy and a feeling of confidence about myself. This only leads me to be more gender confused. I frequently envision myself without all the male traits, and what I see is a more content, happy, and confident me. I've always felt like the face in the mirror wasn't me, that I was looking at a stranger but didn't know why.
I continue to question my gender identity, and like anything I'm passionate about, I have begun researching and trying to understand it as deeply as possible. At this point, I think seeing a gender therapist is likely a wise idea, but I am positively TERRIFIED to bring this up to my wife. She is extremely liberal, but at the same time, she is one of the most hetero people I know. I am madly in love with my wife, she is the person I want to grow old with. One thing I do have going for me is that for the last 5-6 years, we have been in a polyandrous relationship (where she is allowed to seek romantic and/or sexual relationships with other men while I remain faithful) so regardless of what becomes of me gender wise, I have absolutely no problem with her seeking what's missing outside our marriage. But while I would be 100% content in a sexless marriage because of how much I love her as a person, a mother, a friend, and so much more, I'm not certain she would feel the same. Outside of my gender identity issues, I have a seemingly perfect life: Beautiful wife, 4 beautiful kids, our dream house, nice car, great career, etc. The last thing I want to do is be the one who blows it up and loses everything, but at the same time, I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my own assigned gender.
So this is where I am, and where I've been. Hopefully with your help and support, I can navigate the waters with myself and my wife to reach where I'd ultimately like to be. I know this was a long post, but if you made it this far, thank you for hearing me out.